Reproductive Organ Transfer

As I was in the shower this morning, I have my best thoughts there it seems, I came up with an odd thought or two. 

What if the people that were undergoing transgender surgery wanted to donate their reproductive organs to others going through the same surgery?

I'm an organ donor on my license and military ID card.  If I were to die I would donate any viable organs.  I wondered what if on this one too.  What if another person were to die and offered the same?  Would they take the reproductive organs and donate them to others that need them?

Think about it.  Its more than just for reproduction.  The reproductive organs produce some hormones that can help ward off other issues in the body.  Yes we all realize that they can also cause major problems.  But osteoporosis is one thing that women take hormone replacement therapy for prevention of.  What if we could just transplant the ovaries of a younger female into the menopausal female so they don't run the risk of other associated cancers by using the synthetic drugs?

 If someone had to have a radical hysterectomy at a young age they could have the chance to bear children if transplants were available. 

Or maybe if someone that doesn't want children could just donate their ovaries? 

I know from my bio ethic class in college that there are problems with these theories.  But what if?

How would you feel about accepting that particular gift of life?  It would be a gift of life truly because as we all know non functional ovaries can't bring forth life.  Egg donation seems to be our only option now with that respect to the bad ovaries.

Sorry for the weird thoughts if I offended anyone.  This is just my mind wandering while in the shower again.

On another note.  Still in pain.  Really bad pain last night.  I took it easy when I got home yesterday.  We'll see what the scan shows tomorrow and hope for the best.   I'm trying to give the medicine a chance and I'll push through the pain.  Oh and being a guinea pig for this experiment isn't too bad.  Lt.Col.B. was discussing my case at a conference last week when they came up with the idea of the injections.  I can't do birth control pills because they cause migraines and mood swings and well in general don't work on shrinking my cysts if last year is any proof to that trial and error.  Lt.Col.B. graduated from Stanford with his medical degree.  I guess that is a good place. 

Surgery Avoided So Far

Well okay things are on hold.  I made that choice.  I had three options after what Lt.Col.B. found today. 

1) Surgery for tomorrow which is still an option if things get worse tonight pain wise.

2) He could drain the cyst in the office.

3) Ganirelix Acetate Injection to combat the estrogen.  I'd be a guinea pig for them and if it worked I'd set a new precedent he said for treatment.

I opted for #3 for right now. 

Friday I go back to the REI clinic at Madigan and will be seen by Dr. B as Lt.Col.B is out for the day doing training.  I will also finally have my full abdominal ultrasound that Gastroenterology ordered for me back in April on the same day.  More lab work for the REI clinic and hopefully some answers.

If the non functional estrogen producing cyst is shrinking I'll be able to put off surgery for a while.  Lt.Col. B. is hopeful but he said it could go either way.    He is still thinking that I'll need surgery but is happy that I'm willing to give hormone therapy a go too.

Maybe I'm a fool?  Have any of you ever used ganirelix before?  If so what are the side effects your experienced.

The clinic had on hand three of the shots and ordered five more with only a small co pay on my part.  Probably less than $20 for all 5 is their guess.  When they arrive I get to keep two and give them back the three that they gave me to use.  I guess that is fair enough.

I administered the first of the shots myself when I got home.  Its a walk in the park after IVF.

E2 level was down to 500 from the 624 the other day.  Remember this is CD34 for me.
Progesterone, LH and FSH were almost non existent he said.  Oh joy!  Lt.Col. B. said my hormones are messed up.  Oh and no these shots won't get my period started either.  I'll still have to wait for that one.  UGH!!!

So that is where I stand.  I might still need surgery tomorrow or next Thursday.  They only do surgery on Thursdays for non emergency.  I'll know more as the hours pass into days.

The pain level just sucks.  I'm still on modified bed rest.  Stupid me decided to try gardening yesterday.  I thought I was going to pass out from the pain of being in a squat position and bent over to transplant flowers from one garden bed to the other one.  Someone slap me if they see me doing that again while I'm supposed to be resting!!

Oh and no the cyst is still 7 x 6.7 cm.  No growth thankfully but he said the cyst did twist a  little with the gardening blunder.  But the blood flow is still good.

Waiting Sucks

I called my RE's office this morning to report that AF has not shown up and I'll be needing that shot.  I also will be needing another pelvic scan as the pain is pretty intense this morning.  Now I just have to wait for them to call me back as I got their answering machine.  Its been almost an hour so I think I'll be the one calling them instead.

If I have to get blood work today I need this show to get on the road like now.  I realize that because of the four day weekend that the answering machine is probably going to quite full of messages.  I just hope that eventually I'll get called.

I need to know if I'll have to go through surgery on Thursday.  I know that Lt.Col. B made sure that I understood that I had to call his office back today either way.  I tried.  I'll try again soon and I guess I'll keep trying today until I get a live voice.  I might just have to drive over there when I get in touch with J today to see someone since the phones are going to be quite busy.  I would walk but I'm in too much pain for that little one mile hike.

Sorry if this post is kind of garbled.  I did say I was in pain.  We all know what pain does to the brain.  I'm just wondering if the cyst ruptured or what.  I feel like a wuss if it did indeed rupture but I do recall that the residual pain of healing will last approximately two weeks.  Which is probably the reason why I still have pain on the right side and that particular cyst ruptured last week.

Memorial Day

Let us not forget the reason for this holiday weekend.  Remember those that gave their all to defend our freedom!

Company Coming Over

J and I agreed to invite a soldier friend of his over tonight for some grilling.  They guy is legally separated and on his way to a divorce.  Rather sad to be alone on the holidays I think.  So I have no problem with having him over today.

J gave me a condition though, I'm not to do anything today.  Glad he said today because last night right in front of him I made a huge bowl of pasta salad including making the mayo and oil dressing from scratch.  Tasty if I do say so.  Don't worry its no longer raw egg, I made it on the stove top to make sure it came to a boil first and added all the ingredients to it making a cooked dressing.  It shouldn't make anyone sick.

I'll be sticking to my freezer diet food today even while they enjoy the grilling.  I have to.  I'm not active enough to be eating high fat, high sodium barbeque food.  The two athletes can eat it instead.

Yes, J is an athlete.  He can run 14 miles in a day easily and still go to work after and come home.  He's done it before for the "Walk To Afghanistan" they set up monthly.  J and all the other soldiers are required to run as much as they can during the allotted time period.  So yes he can enjoy all the calories he wants when he is working out.

I hope every one has a safe weekend.  Tomorrow is the day we celebrate Memorial Day but officially it is 30 May for the Memorial Day.  I'm not sure why we celebrate it on the last Monday in May when it has it's on particular day.  I guess its for those that are looking forward to the long weekends.

If you get the chance stop by your local cemetery and place an American flag on the grave of a US veteran.   I used to do this every year myself in the family cemetery and in the church cemeteries where my kin folk are buried.  It doesn't hurt to place one on a stranger's grave either if you don't have a family member that served and is buried nearby.

Picture Post

Thought I'd share some photos with every one.  The fushia plant is presently hanging in the front of the house where it should be.  Had to move it to the back of the house with high winds last week when the hook came out of the beam.  The hummingbirds love this plant.






The fushia plant now hangs next to the hummingbird feeder and this other flowering beauty in the front.

The garden in the back of the house that J started for me when he was on leave from Iraq in 2009.  I put in the plants after he left because March was too cold that year to put them in the ground.  J is standing next to one of the poppy plants. 

Poppy plant  first to bloom.  Poppies are if you remember used by veterans for remembrance.  They sell the fake ones at the tables all the time.  Thought I'd grow them.  I can't wait until the others open up.

The rhubarb plant before I cut it back yesterday.  I convinced J to try his hand at making rhubarb crisp from scratch.  Rhubarb is a vegetable.  By the way it was delicious and J got a kick out of making dessert from veggies.
The carnations are full of buds in the photo along with the Campanellas too but you can't see them well.

The yarrow, snapdragons, campanellas, and holly hocks are starting to get big.  Hopefully I'll have some nice blooms from all of it soon if the slugs leave it alone.

Same flower bed but to the far right.  The parsley is huge at this end.


Well that's all I have for today.

One Down

<====  Sloth  or my pain face while I'm stuck being a sloth.

As many of you know I've been in a lot of pain this past week.  Well I found out why yesterday.

Must be Monday night or early Tuesday morning that the endometrioma ruptured.  Yes a 6.7 cm blood cyst.  Its gone.

I had a 1300 hrs appointment yesterday with Lt.Col.B.  that got pushed back to 1400 hrs due to the fact that they were extremely busy.

The ultrasound showed that the right cyst was gone.  The left one has grown a tiny bit.  The dimensions are now 6.7 cm by 7cm.  Its now almost egg shaped.  How lovely.

I'm stuck on sloth mode until this cyst either ruptures or resolves.  Lt.Col. B. is going to take a more proactive approach this time.  He had labs drawn.  My Estrogen is 624, wtf am I going to ovulate again?  My progesterone is 0.4 and the HCG beta is negative, I told him I wasn't pregnant and he stated that I was correct in what I said to him in the exam room.   The white count was low and my iron count is great he said.

The doctor thinks that even though my cycle is now on its 29th day I should be getting my AF today.  Um, no.  I spot before hand by four or so days.  I checked my cervical mucus and its still white.  Nope no coloration to indicate a cycle starting.  No cravings.  No symptoms of PMS.

If it doesn't start by Tuesday I'm to call him.  He is planning on giving me an antagonist shot after doing another ultrasound.  He also said that he can set me up for surgery for Thursday if need be.  He is thinking its going to be needed too since he knows how difficult my hormone levels have been and my ovaries to respond to the meds.

So this is where I asked him if he does have to do surgery if he'll be looking for the endometriosis while he is in there and he said yes that he would do what he could while in there to clean things up.  YAY!

Now when he called me personally at home with the lab results I put him on speaker so J could hear the numbers above.  J went to the appointment with me yesterday.  So we asked Lt.Col. B. all sorts of questions over the phone.  J stupidly said that, "we want to avoid surgery at all costs.".  After we ended the call I verbally smacked him.  I don't want surgery that is true but if its necessary I'm not going to avoid it and he isn't allowed to speak for me on that matter.  He has no right.  He isn't the one in pain.  I did offer to let him know what it felt like.

Last night at 2330 hrs I had a searing hot pain in my left side of the pelvis.  The pain enveloped my lower back and down my left leg too.  Then it started to feel like it was exploding in my pelvis.  Still in pain today but I'm not sure what the hell happened last night.  J isn't very concerned.  So I let into him on that a bit today.  I said, "didn't you listen to what the doctor said to us yesterday?".

People there are times I just want to...Okay not going there.

<==== this would be me and my doctor trying to make my uber smart husband understand just how bad this is and still getting the stupid look from him.  J is uber smart just not emotional, more like Spock and just logical which can be aggravating.

I know he can't truly understand unless he is the one experiencing the pain.  I could change that though with one good swift kick.

So we are going to not be trying to conceive for another cycle or two.  We are trying to get my ovaries back to normal size.  NO more CLOMID ever!  Injections and Letrazole are the next thing that Lt.Col.B wants to try when we get back to trying to conceive again.

I'm just lucky that this particular doctor does care about my health and well being.

Early To Rise

Well I'm up extra early this morning.  Pain woke me.  Pain also kept me up most of the night.

I have a 1300 hrs appointment with my RE today.  They are really worried about torsion or so Nurse S said after she spoke with both doctor B's.

I know this might sound foolish but I'm not going to eat until after the appointment today.  I can remember back to last year when I had the 9 cm cyst and they were talking about operating on it then.  Dr. B. was glad that I had yet to eat for the day as a "just in case".  Even though I realize that I'm going to be starving by 1300 hrs I'll be okay.  I'm fat enough to deal with skipping a few meals.

I want this taken care of soon.  My back is now killing me.  Its been hurting so bad the past few days.  My thighs hurt too.  I just want something done about the pain and if need be something done about the cysts like removing them if they haven't already ruptured.  I'm thinking that its a possibility that one might have ruptured and I ignored the pain.  A few months back I ignored the pain when I had one rupture and my RE has spotted it in the ultrasound.  He said next time that I'm in pain to call them.  I'm so used to being in pain with all my other medical conditions that often I just ignore it and keep going.  No its not easy but it can be done.

So I'll know more this afternoon about what is what inside of me and what they are planning on doing next to make me more comfortable.  I'll write about it either later today or tomorrow.

Oh side note, I've been working really hard this week to lose weight and I've managed to get 4.2 pounds off with just watching what I eat.  Oh I still have snacks but I have to take in to account the fact that I'm now a sloth and am on modified bed rest. 

Oh Things Get Better

Insert lots of sarcasm with the title please.

I'm in pain.  The tramadol is not working.  Well okay it works for a few hours to knock the pain down to a 5 but there after its back to knife stabbing pain that then leads to throbbing radiating pain.  Fun times!

I called my RE office today.  All doctors are off site.  Nurse S tells me that since I have an appt. with my PCM today for  a dermatology consult to ask him about my issue.  Yeah sure.  Okay.  Like I want my PCM coming near my pelvis.  They office has no ultrasound but it does have an exam table with stirrups.  What can he see with just a light and a speculum?  Not the ovaries for sure.

So Nurse S tells me then I need to go to the ER.  Really?  Only if I'm dying lady.  Last year I took their advice and went to Madigan's ER for a ruptured cyst.  Not only was the medical treatment crappy the time was absurb.  They left me in the room for an hour before coming to check me out.  The problem was that they forgot me.  Lovely.  Then one of the medics knows that I'm in bad pain and she gets someone to give me a script for a shot of Diluadid. Finally a little relief.

The doctor then decides to ignore my ovaries and look at the uterus with a speculum.  Really doc?  I said that I need an ultrasound. He listened after I yelped when he pressed on my ovaries with his hand.  Sure enough the ultrasound had shown I had one rupture.  He didn't prescribe pain meds.  He didn't prescribe antibiotics.  He just printed out a medical flyer telling me my endometrioma, the 9 cm one, had ruptured.

So do you really think I want to go back to the same ER?  NO WAY!

I will if I have to I said to Nurse S after telling her the above story.

She calls back while I'm on the phone with my spouse.  She said that even though they are double booked with all the IVF for Thursday that Dr. B (not the Lt. Col. but the Major) would be willing to see me tomorrow if my PCM can't do anything for me today.

I then told her what Lt.Col B. said about having to do surgery if they reach 8 cm.  I explained that the cysts are large enough that they are touching and Lt.Col. B. couldn't be sure which ovary they were on.  She said, "EWWW".   As in that's not good, not the yucky eww tone.  Basically the same.

So there is where I stand as of today.  I'm waiting.  I'll still need to be seen tomorrow.  That is a given.  Whether or not my PCM gives me pain pill is irrelevant I know I'll still need to see the RE because of the possibility of the cysts growing since last week.

*****UPDATE*****
Just got back from seeing my PCM. 

He said, "I am not of the school to prescribe narcotics.  I will not prescribe you pain medicine.".

So I called my RE office and talked to Nurse S again.  She said she will make a note to herself to talk to Dr. B. about getting me in tomorrow or at least to see what they can do for me if they can't get me in.

Nurse S was aghast  at what my PCM said.  She said, "...your medical conditions are well documented.  Its not like you have a drug seeking behaviour.".

So with any luck something will be done for me tomorrow. 

Again though, Nurse S said, "If the pain gets worse please go to the ER.  I don't like the ER either.".

Pretty bad when the nurse doesn't like our ER!

Julia's Child

Recently I read a light hearted short novel that reminded me of my own struggles to start a business.  Years ago I did have an online business where I sold my bath and body products.  Oh I made some really decadent and luscious lip balms and soaps.  My lip balms always sold well and I had repeat customers that were so disappointed when I decided to close up my shop.

I wish I still had my online shop.  I loved making the bath and body products from scratch.  I felt, well, useful.  But when I did my last military move I realized that I couldn't have them ship my essential oils.  I couldn't have them ship my refrigerated ingredients.  I couldn't drive cross country in the middle of the summer knowing that my supplies would make the journey.  I had to close the shop.

I probably could have reopened the shop after I got settled here in Washington State.  I knew though that after being gone from online for over five months that I would have had to of started over with an entirely new customer base.  Oh yes and the start up fees to buy all the supplies again would rip holes in my shallow pockets.

I loved being part of the small enterprise system where I shucked off the corporate uniform and struck out on my own.  I had a sense of being my own boss and making my own hours.  I learned that the hours were long.  Making my product didn't take most of my hours, no it was the advertising.

Unlike Julia Bailey in Julia's Child, I didn't have local grocery or retail stores in which to peddle my wares.  No my clientele were online and I had to make sure my advertising caught their eyes.  You can't physically reach into a monitor and touch the product for sale so you have to make it as appealing as possible.  You have to make them want to pay out $2.50 for a lip balm plus another $1.50 for shipping.  Or even $6.00 for a soap plus shipping.   I realized right off that there were going to be issues with the cost.  But because I'm a small business I still had to turn a profit.  No one was giving me the ingredients for free and the over head costs had to be figured in too.   The only thing I can remember not charging for was my own labor.  I never got paid, only the bills did.  In the end my shop was more a labor of love than an income.

This post is inspired by the novel Julia's Child by Sarah Pinneo. Worried about what her kids eat, Julia Bailey starts a prepared organic toddler meals business. With names like Gentil Lentil, can Julia balance work and family and still save the world? Join From Left to Write on May 24 as we discuss Julia's Child. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

So Much Pain Out There

I'm so sorry so many of us are experiencing pain right now.

Lauren at Not Just An Army Wife got a BFN on her IVF.

Irrationalexuberance at So Much For Simple And Easy is losing her baby.

Journey With Endometriosis is losing her baby.

Why does life have to suck so much?  When you get the chance, please go visit their blogs and give them some support.

As for me, I'm still in pain.  Nothing new there.  I'll probably try to get an appointment this week with RE again if not it will be the ER.

Rain

It rained yesterday and it looks like according to the forecast its going to be raining all week and next weekend.

Oh joy!

Its not like I don't like rain.  I know our planet needs more of it right now with all the fires.  I just don't like the pain of the arthritis flare up from the rain.

Well I guess one good thing, since I'm on modified bed rest, I won't have to worry about not being able to water my plants.  Plus J gets a reprieve from having to do that one little chore.

J was a sweetie this weekend.  I sent him out the to commissary for 14 lean cuisine dinners.  I didn't want him to have to cook for me and since I'm not supposed to be on my feet for meal prep and cooking the tv dinners are just what I needed.  I've already lost .5 lbs since yesterday.  Meal portion control is another good thing about the tv dinners.

J was nice enough to do the laundry, mostly his, the cooking for himself and the vacuuming this weekend.  It was good for me to just sit as much as possible with my feet up.  I even read a book over the weekend.

We watched a couple of movies together and chatted.  I was just happy to have him around the house as a friend.  He is a bit worried about the size of the cysts and neither of us wants me to lose an ovary out of stupidity.  So I'm still taking it easy today even with him back to work.

As I watch the rain fall I am contented to know that I'm snug in my house soon to be with my feet up again and a book in hand.  Oh the life of Riley!  I'll be insane by the end of the week at this rate!!!

Oh and a side note.  I was watching Army Wives with J last night.  He enjoys watching it as he can pick it apart.  He was miffed when Roxy found out she was having twins.  I was too.

Better and Worse

Today my mood is better.

Today the pain is worse.

If it continues to get worse I will haul my body off to the ER.  I promise.  Though I'd rather wait until Monday because we all know that the ER is crowded on weekends.  I've yet to figure out why too.  I mean do they have nothing better to do than get sick on their day off?  Is this their only excitement in life?  I feel sad for them if it is.  I see so many not very ill folks when I go to the ER. Often its just people with nausea and vomiting or a cold that they could just as easily wait until the next duty day and get seen by their PCM.  I can only imagine that if the medical care were socialized the ER would get worse.  Just my opinion.

Day 3 of Bed Rest

I'm so sick of just relaxing.  I wish I could curl up with my books but no curling my legs inward towards my pelvis just hurts.  So I sit in my recliner with my legs out straight waiting for my butt to go numb.  I have to get up every 30 minutes to pee because I'm trying to push out as much bloat as possible.  Its not working!  I gained 1.4 pounds over night!!!

Now for the rest of the lab results:

The HGB A1C level was 4.8 which Nurse J said was normal...yay I don't have sugar issues.  I'm not sure what 4.8 means as of yet but I'll look it up later.  Okay looked it up now 4-5.9 % is normal so even with eating a lot of sugary crap the night before the test, hey I didn't know I was going to be tested, I'm still perfectly fine.  Not a diabetic.

The progesterone was only 2.  WTF!  I know I ovulated as the corpus luteum cyst showed just that very thing.  Does this mean that I'm revving up for another ovulation again?  Or does this mean that my progesterone level just bottomed out?  Nurse J said that it means I didn't ovulate.  Okay maybe she should read my chart next time and see that I did ovulate since its in the doctor's notes.  We know I don't like Nurse J.

As for the ovary pain well this morning it felt like someone was pushing down and inward on my iliac wings and pressing upward on the lower lumbar.  Kind of like folding me in half like a piece of cardboard feeling.  Not at all pleasant.  In 1.5 hours I can take my next pain pill.  Sitting here at the desktop even for just a short period of time hurts.  I feel like such a wuss until I realize again just how big my cysts are:  TENNIS BALL size.  I'm thinking that they probably grew a bit last night.  Come Thursday when the pain meds run out if I'm still in pain I'm going to call the RE office and beg for another ultrasound to see just how much bigger they got.

Its A Negative

Well I already knew I wasn't pregnant and given the fact that I have two large cysts on my ovaries its a good thing I'm not pregnant.  Now if the cysts grow a bit more to 8cm from the 6.7 cm the doctor will opt to operate to remove them.

Much as I wanted to be pregnant I didn't want to be in pain and be pregnant.  Right now I run the risk of losing one or both ovaries if the cysts twist.

Yes I am taking it easy.

I have only the results from three of the labs and am waiting on the other two results to be reported today.

HCG negative
CBC stable
Hemocrit Stable

I'm waiting on the progesterone and sugar.  I'm just rather surprised that he didn't want an E2 level.

So yes I made it through the night without a trip to the ER.  The Tramadol is taking the edge off the pain.  Its still there.  It still hurts to walk and move too quickly.  Oh and the medicine gives me a headache.  But I'm alive.  I'd say that the pain is now a manageable 5.  I'm used to be in a level 4 daily with the endo pain and the fibromyalgia.

I doubt I'll get addicted to the tramadol.  I don't get a high from it.  I don't enjoy the headaches either.  Rather feels like someone is trying to pound a stake through the top of my head the first 30 minutes of taking a dose.

If the pain gets worse, I've had a 9cm cyst rupture last year at this time, I'll head to the ER.  I promise even if its the middle of the night I'll drag my husband out of bed and make him drive me even if he is in his robaxin induced coma.  At least he responds well to his pain meds for his back.  One robaxin and he is snoring like a chain saw through wood.

RE Report

Well I'll start with the fact that I'm writing this blog post from my husband's lap top and not my normal computer which is a desk top.  I'll most likely be writing from this computer for at least a week.

I saw Lt. Col. B. this morning.  He is the RE I prefer.  Its not the best of news but he still gave me hope.

The blood cyst is now 6.7 CM in size.  The cyst that I ovulated from is also just under 7 cm.   He said that at this point its hard to tell which one is on which ovary. 

So yes the four pounds that I have gained this cycle are indeed from the cysts.  I look pregnant and I'll be finding out soon if I am.  Lt.Col. B seemed hopeful, there are times I wish he wasn't so hopeful as it gets me hoping too, that I might be pregnant.  He said that he would do surgery to remove the two cysts but if they are producing progesterone to support a pregnancy he doesn't want to take the chance.

He ordered a HGB A1c (test for my sugar levels.  probably because I'm obese, hypoglycemic and have two parents who are diabetics), CBC, and progesterone.  I thought he was going to order a HCG beta too as its now 17 dpo.  He didn't because he was going by the CD21 theory that its too early.  Well it probably is too early but I did a HPT at 14 dpo and it was negative.  I did tell him about the pee test. 

After getting my labs drawn I went back to the clinic and asked Nurse M about the test for hcg not being included and she stated the CD21 thing.  But said that she would have the lab draw it off the progesterone test anyways.  Well I'd rather be sure because I don't want to have to have these huge cysts rupture if they can just be drained if not needed is my own theory.

Oh and I'm on complete pelvic rest for the next week.  Lt. Col. B. is hoping that in the next week I'll have a reduction in size of the cysts.  It didn't work last year and I have my doubts about it working now but I'll try.  So I have a general list of what I'm not allowed to do:
NO lifting
NO sex
NO standing
NO Tampons
NO douching (I don't anyway)
I'm to be either in bed or in my recliner except when I need to use the bathroom or get a meal to eat and I'm not to be preparing big meals like I did last night.  Maybe he is worried about the cysts twisting the ovary since they are the size of tennis balls?

Fun times for J ahead.  He was there at the appointment.  I looked at him and said, "you know you are going to have to tie me to the bed because I can't sit still long."  He said, "good thing I have plenty of 550 cord at the house!".  We all laughed at that one.

I was prescribed for pain Tramadol 50 mg one tablet 4 times a day.  I've never heard of the stuff.  Have any of you ever used it?  If so let me know what the good, bad, and ugly of it is.

If the pain gets worse Lt. Col. B. wants me to head directly to the ER and no waiting on getting an appointment with the clinic.  Yes, Sir!

Feeling Unwanted

This is not about my spouse or other family members.  No, I feel wanted by them.  This is a venting of my feelings about my doctors right this minute.  Specifically the staff at the Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility clinic (REI  clinic); well actually about a particular nurse, Nurse J.

I was in terrible pain last night.  I was bent over in pain.  I was bent over and limping trying to walk as the pain radiated from my pelvis down to my right knee. Then the left ovary decided to compete with the right ovary and caused my left thigh to ache down to the knee.  No I didn't want to go to the ER and get poked by doctors that had no clue especially with the speculum insertion as I try to tell them my uterus is retroverted and they ignore me.  Why they feel that is necessary after I tell them that its my cysts I don't know.  But they don't listen so I'm not going to ER unless its absolutely necessary.

I called my REI clinic this morning and actually got to speak to a live person after only pushing one button for the extension.  Amazing.  I could hear Nurse J eating.  I was a tad sarcastic I have to admit when I said, "oh wow I got a live person!".  I was laughing and she wasn't.  Personality absent any one?  I guess she's never had to wait and wait and wait and only talk to an automated system before in her life.

Well Nurse J and I talked about my pain last night. 

She said, "I don't know who is there today."

I said, "I'm willing to wait until this afternoon.". 

She says, "Dr. C. will be here in the afternoon." 

Funny how she had no clue who would be on today.  Okay, um little peeved at that lie.

She says, "Dr. C. will be in an IVF class all afternoon."

  B.S.  I'm thinking. 

I said, "I've taken the IVF classes before and I do remember how long they take.".

 ( Its only 30 minutes tops with the doctor in the room after the nurse gives her lecture of which the doctor isn't even present for.  So with the 8 couples he'll be counseling afterward maybe another 80 minutes tops for all of them. I figure about 2 hours of his time.)  I didn't state this so I'm questioning why he can't still see me for just the 10 minutes  he normally spends with me.  Oh and where the hell are the other three RE doctors? I'm thinking all this and not stating it.

I can understand one or two of them not being there but that is such B.S. from Nurse J's mouth.  When they are doing the IVF classes they always have another RE doctor covering the appointments and emergency call in appointments.  I'm not that stupid.

So here I sit and wait in major pain.  Oh and I've gained another 0.4 lbs making it an even 15 I've now gained since January's IVF, almost 5 lbs of which I've gained alone in the past three weeks from bloat in my pelvis. Its CD20, 16DPO.  But really I guess I'm okay to them.  If only I could make them feel what I feel.

There is my vent/rant/anger spewing.  Thanks for reading this far down.

Waiting On Radiology

Okay fun times this morning.  I finally made an appointment for a follow up with my cardiologist.  The soonest I can get in to see him is 22 June 2012.  Good thing I still have enough medicine to last until I see him again.  Next I scheduled an appointment with my PCM to get a referral to dermatology.  I've had a few blistering sun burns on my face and now I have some bumps that aren't moles growing on my forehead where the worst of the blistering was.  I know I have damaged my face as I saw a dermatologist when stationed in Germany and they treated me for the pre cancerous crap.

Finally I got through to my Gastroenterologist about the ultrasound that they put in for on the 25th of April.  I still haven't heard from radiology on that one.  I called radiology before I called my gastroenterologist this morning.  Of course radiology never answers their phone.  Its not only me as the nurse at gastroenterology also tried and they didn't answer for her either.

Looks like I'm going to get referred out to TRA imaging in Tacoma again.  I went there once for an ultrasound on my thyroid.  I didn't like the experience there or the technician who seem incompetent.  The reason why I can't be seen at Madigan for the ultrasound is that they don't have enough film readers right now to cover the appointments.  I guess that some are deployed?

The only way I'm going to get in for an ultrasound at Madigan is if I go through the ER as an emergency.  If the pain gets worse, of which it started up again over the weekend with intense pain, I'll be doing the ER route.  I'm not going to hold off on this if I'm in acute pain.  I'm tired of being in pain from so very many things in my life.  If I can get proper treatment for the various issues I'll do it and stop complaining so much.

So here I sit waiting for radiology at Madigan to give me a call back.  I need a code from them for denial of treatment at their facility before I can be seen at another imaging place.

On a lighter note; I've won three books on Good Reads this week.  Awesome!

How I Celebrated Mother's Day

I woke up at 0430 hrs and started crying.  Then I argue with my spouse about how crappy our life was, then more crying.

Finally two hours later I went back to bed.

I woke up several times before I decided enough of the depression and hauled my self out of the bed.

The fun started shortly there after.  The room was spinning.  I checked my blood pressure and it was 107/70.  Kind of low for me and I had taken my blood pressure medicine 5 hours before checking the pressure.

Looks like I had a wonderful case of Meniere's for the day.  So happy Meniere's Day to me for yesterday.  I walked into door, knocked stuff over, burned my thumb making pizza from scratch...damn oven I know it just jumped out to bite my thumb.

If I tilted my head back the room would spin ever so wonderfully like I was drunk.  Wish I had been drunk since at least that would have been more fun.

J treated me well yesterday.  Over the weekend, starting Friday he gave me ruby earrings, two plants, cake and ice cream oh and a  card.  But of course I made him pizza so I deserved cake and ice cream because I make fantastic pizza.

I survived yet another Mother's day.  I test with a HPT today since I'm 14 DPO...BFN.  Oh well it was a cycle off.  What did I expect?  The breast tenderness, nausea, uterus pain, headaches, food aversion, and heightened sense of smell can all be traced back to other problems I have that are chronic.  Funny how they all developed over a four day period and not all at once.  Such is life!

I hope all my friends here survived Mother's day.

Mother's Day

Hummingbird Food

Every year since we moved in I've been putting out the hummingbird feeder.  Every year the Rufus hummingbirds come back.

This year I almost forgot to put out the feeder but the Rufus reminded me by buzzing my head for two days in a row.  So out went the feeder and today J and I bought some hummingbird plants.

Well okay they aren't actually hummingbird plants but they are the plants that the hummingbirds prefer.  Fushia and a mixed hanging basket of Bacopa, Million Bells Calibrachoa, Verbena and Trailing Petunias.  I'm still waiting for my snap dragons and salvia to open up.  Both are really tall and have their buds.

Okay my brain is fatigued.  I think I need to go rest.  Wishing the pain would just go away soon.  For those curious about that part of my life its now CD 16 and I've been spotting for 3 days, not bright but still spotting.  The boobs really aren't sore, more like PMS sore.  Its now 12 DPO.  Crazy I know but I ovulated really early this cycle.  I'm thinking in a couple of days a new cycle will be starting.  Oh and the pain is now making me nauseated.  Fun times!

One other trip we made today besides to buy flowers was a local used book store.  I actually had a credit there from a recent trade in and I decided to use half of it today towards the purchase of 11 books.  I had to pay only a little over 8 dollars for my purchase.  I realize that I still have two shelves of books I need to read but I'm addicted to reading.

Military Spouse Appreciation Day

Today is Military Spouse Appreciation Day. 
 

I wish all the military spouses out there a happy day and hope that you are truly appreciated.

Gay and Lesbian Marriage

Yes I'm going there.  I think gays and lesbians should be allowed to married their partners and have all the same rights as a heterosexual couple.  Aren't we all allowed the same according to the Declaration of Independence?  "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness".

I like the idea of creating more families.  I like that I am opened minded enough to not judge someone else because of their sexual preference.  I mean really does it matter to me who they love?  No.  So why should I pass judgement upon them?  I shouldn't and I won't.

I  like how Obama has decided that he will support gay marriage. However I don't like how the House Armed Services Committee banned gay marriage on the military installations.  Read more at the link below:
 http://www.military.com/news/article/obama-gay-marriage-stand-spurs-ndaa-amendments.html?ESRC=eb.nl 

"On the same day that President Barack Obama declared support for gay marriage members of the House Armed Services Committee included in the Defense bill for next year measures intended to prevent gay marriages from taking place on military bases.
One amendment to the National Defense Authorization Act  provides “conscience protections” for chaplains whose religious beliefs and sponsoring agency are opposed to homosexuality and gay unions. Another amendment states that no base chapel shall be used for gay marriage or marriage-like ceremonies."

Feel free to tell me how you feel one way or the other.  If you want to vent in your comments just make sure you aren't being vulgar and I'll post it.

*Please note that I realize that my blog post have been sorely lacking in grammar and punctuation correction.  The intellectual content hasn't been the best either and I can only blame the pain I am in as the source of my bad blogging.

One Lovely Blog Award

Thank you Cristy at Searching For O ur Silver Lining for this award of which I will gladly share with other bloggers.

Here are the guidelines:

• Share who gave you the award with a link back to their blog.
• Write down 7 random facts about yourself.
• Give the award to 15 other bloggers.
• Let them know they've won and pop the award up on your blog.

Now for the facts:
1)  I have dimples on my face, three as a matter of fact.  One in each cheek and one in my chin.

2)  I try to live a green life as much as possible by planting a garden each year.  I don't use pesticides so well my veggies often get eaten by creatures other than myself.

3)  I don't have a cell phone. Gasp!  That's right folks.  If someone needs to contact me they can hunt me down.

4)  I read on average a book a week.  Way more fun than watching television.

5)  I'm still greiving the loss of my cat, Jasper.  I feel like its my fault he disappeared.  Probably the very reason why I don't have a pet right now.

6)  I miss life on the East coast.  Don't get me wrong living on the West coast for the past 4 years has been nice but I miss lightening bugs, thunderstorms with lightening where the electricity goes out and the sky is very black.  I miss all the foods that I could find in NY like good Chinese, real Jewish bagels, and authentic German food.

7)  I love doing charity work.  It just makes me feel good to help out someone else.  However, I'm not as able-bodied as I once was so the majority of my charity work is down to crafting these days.

Now for the hard part;  I need to try to find 15 bloggers that haven't been awarded yet.  Not easy.

1)  Emily
2)Jen
3)http://survivinghuntingtons.blogspot.com
4)http://lifeishard76.blogspot.com
5) http://businessofbaby.blogspot.com
6) http://cristaleen.blogspot.com
7) http://biagobaby.blogspot.com
8) Sarah
9) Alex
10) EJ
11) TeeJay
12) Katie and Ben
13) Jenny
14) Thien Kim
15) Toni

I realize some of you might have already been given this award but I can't remember who so please bear with me.

Painful Lessons

Sometimes life has its painful lessons.  Listed below are the ones I've learned of late.

1) I'm learning the hard way to put me first.  I know that I've been saying for years now that I need to put me first when I'm in pain but still I some how end up the martyr.  I'm so used to it that I have no idea how to change those habits except with extreme measures which usually involve me becoming quite vocal about how I need to be treated differently.  But just how does one change when they are the cause of their own problems?  If I want to be treated differently I need to set the rules for my own treatment and reinforce the good.  I need to stop caving-in every time someone needs me.

2)  I'm learning that while I'm supposed to take it easy it doesn't mean to just sit there all day and moan with the pain.  I swear just laying about all day makes the pain that much worse.  I know it causes my fibromyalgia to flare up.  Those of you that are able to just lay about all day, I envy you and your recovery time.

3)  I've learned that when I'm out-of-order and a couch dweller I cannot make myself feel better with sugar, fat and salt laden foods.  Sure the temporary effect is just what I wanted but when I get on the scale its a nightmare.  Since my last IVF in January I've gained 14 pounds. I could blame a good portion of it on the hormones and my doctors limiting my exercise to light housework only but really I think its more of a hand to mouth issue than anything.

4)  I'm smacking myself upside the head every time I think about wanting to start an exercise program like Zumba or kick boxing or anything else that most women my age would be wanting to do.  For me Yoga is an extreme sport and even then I've been told to only stretch just so far and call it quits.  Right now stretching, as in yawn and stretch, still hurts my pelvis.

5) I've learned that giving up sugar and salt gives me a headache.  That is a painful lesson that I'd rather hide from doing but I need to ween myself off the refined sugars and added salts again.  My wedding rings were rather difficult to put on this morning making it another painful reminder of why I shouldn't eat Pork Bao.  I love Bao in shrimp and pork but obviously its not good for me when I eat way more it than I should.  I have no constraint when it comes to Bao.

6)  I've learned that the melatonin I'm taking is helping my pain in the left side of my upper abdomen.  Yeah weird huh?  The prilosec after three weeks didn't eradicate the pain but two nights of melatonin and my stomach was feeling much better.  Melatonin is supposed to help reduce the affects of stress on the body and create better quality eggs for IVF.  No I'm not going to do IVF again, my eggs are crap but the melatonin helps with my sleep quality and stress reduction.  Unfortunately if I do get pregnant I can't use it. 

7) IVF does not guarantee a baby.  It doesn't matter how great of an embryo quality you have because I've had two Grade A embryos and both pregnancies have failed.  All it can guarantee is a lighter purse, heavier heart, fatter belly, and pain.  Sorry if it seems like I'm putting my thumb down to IVF but so many of us have learned what I have learned.  IVF is just a diagnostic tool that sometimes works with happy end results.

I AM FORBIDDEN

In I Am Forbidden by Anouk Markovits the characters of  Mila and Josef would understand how I feel about having a family.  I want a baby and there isn't much I wouldn't do to get pregnant.  I am infertile. I've done the whole infertility journey with IVF, IUI, HSG, SIS, SA, and the abbreviations go on from there.  This book really brought home to me that because of my religion I am more free to pursue infertility treatments than others that are held to their bond by their religious beliefs.

I can remember back to when I first found out I would have trouble conceiving a child.  It was 1995 and I was married for the first time and living at Fort Hood in Texas.  I was young and naive enough to think that if I just had sex when I ovulated everything would work out on its own.  Well I didn't know back then what I know now.  Its not that easy for some of us.

My ex had bad sperm.  I ovulated early.  He and I managed to conceive just once on clomid and it was a twin pregnancy of which I miscarried just before the first trimester was completed. 

Fast forward to the present day.  I've now gone through many  infertility treatments and have achieved four pregnancies.  None have produced a viable offspring.

I know how Mila feels when she sees all those swelling bellies and women pushing prams.  I feel the same longing and jealousy.  I think, "why not me?".

I have struggled now for 16 years to have a child.  My time is almost up.  The endometriosis has claimed more than one pregnancy.   I feel the frustration that Josef felt before his wife became pregnant from a tryst.  I too wonder if I'll ever have a child to pass on my lineage.  I'm thinking for me there are no more options.

As my own journey draws to an end I find that I have learned a lot about myself .  I have learned just how far I'll go to have a child.  I have learned that I won't always listen to my doctors but I will still do what I feel is best for me especially when they wanted me to give up years ago.  I would have given my own life in order to bring a child of my own into this world.

 This post is inspired by I AM FORBIDDEN by Anouk Markovits. Though not sisters by blood but through their Hasidic faith, Mila and Atara views the rules and structure of their culture differently. Mila seeks comfort in the Torah while Atara searches for answers in secular literature she is forbidden to read. Ultimately each must make an irrevocable decision that will change their lives forever. Join From Left to Write on May 8 as we discuss I AM FORBIDDEN. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Continuing Pain

I'm still here.  The pain is still here.

I tried to sleep in this morning but I forgot to have J remove the phone from the bedroom and turn down/off the ringers.  So at 0930 S calls me and is upset that Equity is refusing to come out for her non-emergency toilet running.  I told her give me 30 minutes and we'll be over there to fix it.

Army wives need to know how to fix something as simple as a leaky faucet, dryer hose disconnect, running toilet, etc...but alas most of them don't know how to fend for themselves when the repairman is not on duty for regular maintenance calls. 

We hauled over with us the tool box and repair manual.  We get there and S says that it stopped.  Really?  This means that I missed my sleep, I have a headache, didn't get in a shower and well I'm in fricken pain.  I didn't say all this to S but I did get a rather cool reception from her because I wasn't at home for her phone call telling me that I wasn't needed anymore.  Sorry but when I say I'll be there in 30 minutes it means you'd better call me within 20 to tell me you don't need me because the other 10 minutes is spent traveling in the car to your place.

By the way, the T3 is just a joke.  I'm starting to wonder if its really T3 or just placebo pills that look like T3 because its not working on my pain level.  I guess come Monday I'll be calling and begging for an ultrasound to find out what the heck is wrong inside of me now.  This is just stupid making me deal with this pain when they could be doing something for me.

So no I'm not angry with S I'm angry with my pain and the fact that I just fell asleep and got woken up because of my own stupidity of not taking the phone off the hook.  But I just don't understand why she is cool with me.  Usually I get a two arm hug, now I get a one arm barely hug me hug when just yesterday it was different.  I can't figure out people.  Maybe its because J had other things he had to do today and couldn't babysit at the last minute her boys so she could get some glamor shots done?  Well J has only 48 hours off a week and he needs to get stuff done here that he likes and wants to do.  I certainly can't be babysitting kids right now with my pain level.

S if you are reading this please understand that I'm in pain and not angry with you.

Reading Is Pure Bliss For Me

Today, as I'm working my way through another book for my book club of which I will write a review of around the 23rd of May I realized just how many books I've read since the beginning of the year.  Sixteen books, and not all for the book club either.  Most of the reads have been selected by me from my ever growing stack of books that I pick up used and put into my want to read pile.

On Monday I have a review for a book due that I finished last month.  I think that many in the infertile community will appreciate one of the themes in the book since its directly related to us.  But I'll leave that for Monday's post.

Reading is my way to escape from the world and its stresses.  For me curling up with a book to read is pure bliss and it envelopes my "me time".

So without further ado here is my list of books I've read thus far:

Quiet; The Power of Introverts in a World that can't stop talking  by Susan Cain  (book club)

The Inheritor by Marion Zimmer Bradley

Witchlight by Marion Zimmer Bradley

The House Between The Worlds by Marion Zimmer Bradley

Confessions of an Ugly Step Sister by Gregory McGuire

The Awakening by Kate Chopin

The Art of Hearing Heartbeats by Jan Philipp Sendker  (book club)

Signs of Life by Natalie Taylor  (book club)

Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver  (book club)

Up by Patricia Ellis Herr (book club)

A Prayer For Owen Meany by John Irving

I Am Forbidden by Anouk Markovits (book club will be posted 7 May)

The Time Traveler's Wife  by  Audrey Niffenegger

The Girl With A Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier

The Prince and the Pauper by Mark Twain

Julia's Child by Sarah Pinneo  (currently reading and half way done...for book club)

I think that perhaps the only reason why I was able to read 16 book since just this year is that I have no children to occupy my time.  I would gladly give up the majority of my reading time to spend it with a child of mine.  If only I had child....

Update Of Yesterday's Pain

So yesterday I finally got a call back from the RE's office four hours after they said they'd get right back to me.  Well I guess that isn't too bad unless you are in pain.

I'm not allowed to use the oxycotin or vicodin any longer because they contain the synthetics that it seems that I am allergic to, unless I piggy back it with Diphenhydramine HCL (Benadryl) or so Nurse S said.  Well they are just guessing its the synthetic ingredient.  The doctor prescribe me a whole 6 pills of T3.  Oh wow, at one every 4-6 hours that will last me an entire day.  Insert a ton of sarcasm here.  Thanks for being so generous doc.

I'm not being taken seriously.  No I didn't take the pain killer last night.  I opted to able to poop this morning.  If you've taken codeine you know what it does to the bowels.  Today I might take sone in about an hour before I head out to my marriage counseling session.  What do I care, I don't have to drive! 

So I'll find out today if its the synthetic in the hydrocodone and oxycodone or if its the codeine itself.  Don't worry I live right next to the hospital.  Oh and I've learned to keep Diphenhydramine HCL  and my rescue inhaler in my purse in case of allergic reactions.

I just can't believe Dr. C. only prescribed me a stingy amount of the drug.  He knows that I only rely upon narcotics when all else fails.  The oxycotin I used the other day was left over from May of 2011, prescribed for the same reason as what I'm dealing with now.  I'm such a drug addict...insert more sarcasm!

I Can't Figure Out My Mood

Short post.  It hurts my back and pelvis to sit here and type.  I feel like crying from the pain and I'm nauseated.

Funny how I woke up and the pain wasn't all that bad but now it is.  I find it depressing.  I find that I'm cranky.  I find that I'm just all over the place with my moods.

I didn't take a single pain killer last night but I might just today.

**Update 1050 hrs**
Just talked with Nurse S at the RE's office.  She says for me not to take any more vicodin because the itching means I'm allergic to it.  She noted in the computer my start date and said for me to call back when my next cycle starts.  She is going to talk to the doctors about what I can now do for pain control.  She did suggest NSAIDs but I can't take those with my gatric ulcer.  Hopefully they can think of something a bit stronger than the acetaminophen and heating pad routine.  I'll update again when Nurse S gets back to me  or at the latest I'll update tomorrow.

Cycle Off

Last week at the RE's office I was told to take the cycle off.  Oh sure like that is going to be easy with all these OPK's at home.  I started a new cycle on Friday and yesterday was only CD 4.  Believe it or not I had my LH surge.  I had started testing last week Wednesday after on Tuesday I was told I was recruiting follicles.  But because I've been in so much pain J and I took the rational approach and decided to stick to the doctor's orders.  I'm at high risk right now for ovarian torsion.  Do I really want to risk losing an ovary in my attempt to catch the egg?  No.  But I do want a baby so I keep sitting on the fence with this particular issue.

Logic and reasoning have kicked in.  Given my age of 42 I'm advanced maternal age.  My egg quality sucks.  Cycling out a new egg within a week of being told that I'm recruiting follicles means that most likely the egg released in the the next 24 hours won't be of high quality.

Still I keep thinking what if.  What if we don't try this cycle and we lose out on our last chance to make a baby?
What if we do try and I do conceive?  What if we do try and it causes ovarian torsion?

Much as I want a baby I don't want to risk body parts to do so.  Much as I really want sex right now I don't want it if its just going to cause more pain.  I'm taking my Oxycontin, one before bed and one at 0500 hrs.  The pain killer only takes the edge off and if my pelvic region is slightly brushed it hurts like hell.  I'm not sure I could within stand even a quicky for the sake of baby making.

Endometriosis has left me with so many problems.  While I bleed my best friends are my hot rice bag and the bathroom.  Each cycle means I again ask my husband to put me out of my misery the pain is that bad. I rarely have relief from the adenomyosis and endometriosis pain during any part of my cycle.

Oh and my newest oddity is that within 30 minutes of taking the codeine and acetaminophen combination pain killer (vicodin, oxycotin, T3, percocet,whatever you call it) I start to get the creepy crawly feeling on my limbs that moves inward to my torso.  I have to scratch the itchy spots because they are so intense.  Not fun.

Today is my last chance at catching the egg. If I feel up to it I'll give it a try but in all likelihood I'll be letting this cycle just roll on by.