Sunday, April 3, 2011
The Pain Of Loving A Soldier
With love comes pain. Pain of worry, pain of longing, pain of waiting with no answers in sight.
There are days in our marriage where all I can do is worry. I know he's been trained to fight and to survive. He is good at what he's trained to do. I know that he will always do his best so that he can come home to me alive. He wants to grow old along with me.
There are days though that one can't rely upon the skills that their soldier were taught. There are instances where things are totally out of our and their control. Fate can be one angry bitch or she can be as soft and gentle as a summer's breeze.
I had my scare this morning. There was a muck up of epic proportions, well at least I consider it was epic, this morning. I got a call that my soldier never showed up and was missing. How is that for a wake up? Yes, I was awake as much as needs be when knee deep in seven loads of laundry. My heart went to my throat as I answered the questions asked of me. I had no clue where he was if he wasn't where he was supposed to be. My blood pressure began to rise and I knew I couldn't panic, yet.
How could they lose a man? Who was the idiot out there that didn't notice he showed up? I spent two hours stressed out wondering if I should call the hospital because my J couldn't be reached. What if he was dead? Its all I could think of. I felt my life crumble. The pain gripped my gut. I hate the "what ifs" that are always a part of life when one is married to a soldier.
J was there. He had showed up on time to relieve the other person. It was the other person on the two man team that didn't show up when the appointed time arrived. Why did the person being relieved report that my soldier didn't showed up? Are they getting that sloppy?
Believe me right now I'd like nothing better than to find the person that started this whole mess and give them a piece of my mind for giving me a fright. But I know that I'm not allowed to do that. I have to suck up the fear. I have to suck up the anger that is always felt when it turns out they messed up.
It could have been a lot worse. But now I wonder about next time. He's survived a deployment. What's to say the next one won't claim him? Its something we aren't allowed to talk about. Its something we'd all rather not think about. Its one of those things that when the time comes to deal with it it gets dealt with and hopefully without losing one's sanity.
I know that J will come back to me after each assignment, each shift, each deployment as long as fate allows. I have to keep that hope that he and I will enjoy our rocking chair years together.