Friday, April 22, 2011

Grand Illusions and Self Pity

This morning I woke up with a strange urge.  I wanted to go to the mall.  I detest almost all forms of shopping.  My thoughts of a mall trip were probably influenced by my cousin L's recent shopping splurges online and the dream I had last night.

I've been having a lot of vivid dreams of late.  Last night two stuck out the most.  The first was that I was a teenager again and living at home with my folks.  There were rules living there and with those rules not much fun was to be had.

I remember dreaming about my friend J last night and how she always had fun breaking the rules.  I wanted to be like her.  I wanted to be able to just take off and go to the mall without my parents permission.  I was a kid that always followed the rules and rarely got into trouble.  I wanted to have fun but was afraid of the repercussion if I did break one rule.

First pity trip of the night was knowing how much I was a slave to my parents.  Knowing how much I missed out on being a kid.  I suddenly realized why my grandparents were always wanting me to come spend the night at their house and now knowing that I feel terrible.  My grandparents knew my life at home wasn't what it should have been.  I was afraid to go to their place as they raised my father and if my dad was this terrible person to me then they must have been worse.  Well that was my logic.  My grandparents were never the type to mistreat me or my brother.  No they were the typical type of grandparents that wanted to spoil us.  I just lived in terror of leaving my house for fear of being mistreated by neglecting  my chores.  I was always to blame for my mom's bad moods and her pms.  I was to blame for my dad not being happy because my mom was angry.  The dream was self pity.  If I had the chance to redo certain aspects of my childhood I think I would have spent more time with my grandparents and more time with my friends at the mall being that typical teenager.

Second vivid dream of the night.  My husband purchased two race cars.  One from the early years of NASCAR racing and the other from the mid 70's.  The older of the two only needed minor work but the newer needed an almost total rebuild.  Our friend B was there helping J out with the cars.  They went off and raced them, unregistered and got arrested.  I'm at the police station paying the fine when the copper ring I was wearing in the dream fell off and changed into a kitten then into a baby.

Pity trip number two.  It was my fault because I didn't do the paperwork in the dream so they got arrested.  Somehow I always find myself to blame for something.  I need to stop blaming myself for everything that goes wrong.  I guess that is because in my childhood I was always told I was doing everything wrong and screwing up the family unit or something akin to the cause of family dysfunction. 

The kitten and the baby part are rather obvious to me.  I've been putting off getting a cat because if I get pregnant and J deploys who will help me empty the litter box?  If we get a cat then move soon its going to be difficult on the cat with the move.  I've done Army moves with my cat, Jasper may he rest in peace, before and he did not take well to travel and had to be sedated.  I think I should have been too.

The baby part is a smack in the face that I know I must admit to defeat upon.  I think we waited to late.  The baby in the dream was running away from me each time I went to pick it up.  Big self pity trip there.  On this one particular aspect I am to blame.  I should have stood up to our marriage sooner and stated my wants and needs clearly.  This is something that can't be fixed easily.  I can't let the guilt eat at me either.  Nor can I just ignore this want.

On a really bright note it looks as though my neighbors from Oh Poop and Drama Queen are moving out.  YAY!  Seeing the U-haul in their driveway across the street last night was a joy.  Even better, though I shouldn't take joy from this but can you say KARMA?, was Rent-a-Center showing up and announcing that they were there to repossess their stuff.  I hate to see anyone fall on hard times but really Karma out did itself this time for me.  What goes around comes around.  I was nice and gave to them on many occasions when they'd told me they would return the favor. They chose to poop on our friendship.  I'll be waving goodbye to them with a smile on my face when the last load leaves and their name is taken off the dwelling.

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