Open Letter To My Friends

Dear Friends:

I thought I'd start this open letter to all of you with a thank you.  I appreciate the support that you have given to me since I started this blog.

Now even more I'm going to need that support.  The visit to my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) didn't end with the results that I had hoped for.  In fact the two ovarian cysts are now a mass.  My doctor couldn't define one ovary from the other nor could she tell which one had the mass alone as it looks like they have grown together.  The nurse commented that with the size of it she doesn't know how I can stand the pain.  I just do with nothing more than acetaminophen I have no choice, now do I?

The RE spoke with me after I got dressed.  My husband was with me in the room.  Again no sex.  Again no fertility drugs.  Again bad news.  She would put in the order for five blood tests.  She explained to me that they needed to do one test that would take two weeks to get the results back.  They were going to check for cancer.

The C word is always scary.  I've had cancer scares before.  Luckily I've been able to escape it thus far.  I'm not so sure this time. 

The first day of my next cycle I need to go back in for another ultrasound.  They found the first cyst on 29 March.  Its almost 6 weeks now and the first cyst has grown, another has formed  in early April. Now they've created a mass together.  In about two weeks I'll be at the point where if its still not resolved the RE is going to refer me to Oncology.

Friends, I need your support even more now.  I'm trying to not fall apart.  I'm hoping that I'll still have a chance to reproduce.  I want a child of my own genetics so very bad.  If I already had a child I think I might be a bit more resolved to the fact that I might lose one or both ovaries but still it would be an awful blow.

Believe it or not friends, other than my spouse knowing about this you are the first to know.  I'm almost afraid to tell my family.  My dad is not well and I don't think my parents could take the added stress.  When I had the heart attack I told my husband to not let my parents know about it.  I would tell them after I was out of the hospital.  It was just a mild heart attack with no damage.  Like I said my dad is not well and I don't want to involve them in this dilemma when it could turn out to be nothing.

So my friends, if you live close by I hope you understand that I'm going to be moody.  The next few weeks are going to be torture for me having to wait for the lab results.  I'm going to be more withdrawn and want to hide a bit behind my walls and read.  Reading relaxes me.

But for now my life goes on and its time to put another load of laundry in the machine.

Wishing all of you out there good health.

Rebecca