Baking Away The Pain

I'm a foodie that loves to bake and cook.  I've been in a lot of pain of late.  Those that follow my blog will know that I've been writing about the pain.  Yesterday while I was waiting for the vicodin order to finally get put into the system I just sat in my office watching House because I enjoy the humor in that particular show.

By evening my vicodin was finally in my hands.  But I didn't take any of it until bedtime.  I know I had told my spouse that I was going to hold off on taking it because I already had acetaminophen in my system from earlier that day and had to wait.  I don't think he heard me or if he did it just didn't register.  So I sat there for two hours in a near catatonic state willing the pain to go away.  I told my body to go numb.  It did.  My arms and legs got really cold and slowly the only thing that would move was the myoclonic jerks that I sometimes have when the sugar gets too low.  He wasn't happy with me.  But I couldn't speak to him.  I could blink.  If I moved voluntarily the pain would start up again.  Eventually I pulled myself out of it to fetch us both some dinner a half hour before bed time.  J was refusing to eat worrying about me I guess or perhaps he was being a bit childish thinking I wasn't speaking to him out of anger.  Truly it wasn't anger and he should have realized that I did this to stop the pain.  I've done it before.  When Zen breathing doesn't help I lock myself down.

So today I'm taking the vicodin every 6 hours as directed.  It stopped working after the second dosage.  My lower back and pelvis are hurting.  I can't afford to take more me time away from us.  I have promises to keep.

I have in the oven right now a Lemon Loaf.  I figured it was easy enough to make and the soldiers at the COF would still chow down on it.  Sorry that its not cookies this week but I just don't have the energy to make cookies with my pain.  J has his CLS (combat life saver) class this week to re-certify however, he does go back to work each day after the class is over.  I know this because he called me from work yesterday.  No he didn't stay home with me yesterday.  I was left alone to my own devices, all part of being an Army Wife.

Tonight I'm making a casserole.  Pastitio to be exact.  I have all the ingredients here to make it and its easy enough that I'll not be standing for too long to make it.  Plus I'll have left overs so I won't have to cook tomorrow.

Tomorrow I have a dental appointment.  I'm having three cracked fillings removed and refilled.  I'm hoping the cavities that are now under them aren't too deep.  I'm not sure how much more pain I can take.  Luckily I won't have to drive tomorrow as J said he'd take me to this appointment.  Maybe they'll give me gas.  I've never had gas at the dentist and as a kid my mom refused to let them give me any pain killer including novocain.  Mom still doesn't use novocain.  I guess she likes the pain of getting her mouth drilled.  Sick person.

My mom is not on my happy list at the moment.  Right now I need a mom to turn to with this female pain.  I called her up and talked to her, instructed her not to tell dad about the issue.  She didn't sympathize with me at all.  No my own mother tried to top my pain.  This is not a competition.  Maybe she thinks it is.  My mom has never had ovarian cysts.  She did have a fibroid in her uterus.  But you'd think she would at least try to comfort me.  I don't think she knows how.  She always ran to me to have me comfort and wait on her.  When she hurt her back, one disc herniated, she expected me to wait on her and I did.  So now that I really need her to comfort me over the phone since she lives 3,000 miles away.  But she can't find it in her to show me compassion.  Mental anguish over that one but I have a choice.  I can just deal with the fact that I am very little more than bump in her life or cut her out of mine.  I guess I won't call her very often.  I can't remove her, I'm too soft-hearted and probably too stupid.

I'd like to say things can only get better from here but I have to be a realist.  I still have two more ovarian cysts and they aren't small.  They could rupture.  I could develop thick scars from the rupture that would prevent my eggs from getting out of my ovaries.  That would mean ovarian drilling and I'm not sure at my age I'm willing to have that done.

I'm going to try to not wallow, at least for long, in self-pity.  Twice today my PCM's office called to schedule a blood pressure check.  Yesterday my blood pressure was really high because of the pain.  Twice I've now explained to them that is was because of the ovarian cyst rupture. Both the the staffers have now told me to take care of me.  I'm not sure I know how to just take care of me.  I've always taken care of everyone else.