Gadget Love

Had to show all of you this new gadget I received information about in an email this day.  Yes, it's  Doctor Who related.  But even better it's a television remote.  A bit of geek love and I'm a bit of a geek.  Can you imagine messing with the family members by changing the television program they are watching with a device so cool as a sonic screwdriver?

J's face just lit up when I showed him the vid attached to the description.  So I'll share it with all of you too.

No I don't work for thinkgeek but I do wish I could afford one of everything or quite possibly two of everything in their catalog.

Going Ape

As you can see from the photo of the volcano the lava dome is building up quite nicely yet again.  This year we had some really gorgeous views of the volcano and the mountain ridge lines. This photo was taken up at the Johnston Ridge Observatory.

It was on the second day of our trip that we went to the Ape Caves and Windy Ridge Loop.  Yes I said Ape Cave.  It is actually a lava tube.  Fun trip.  Oh and I did trip.  I managed to severely sprain my left ankle in the caves. 

I tripped halfway through the EASY CAVE and refused to quit.  I kept going to the end and climbed back up again.  I still managed to make it to Windy Ridge too.

These are what are known as the rail road tracks inside the cave which formed naturally.











This is called a Lava Meatball.  It fell 12 feet from the ceiling and rolled along the lava until it got stuck right here.

Three quarter of a mile there and three quarters of a mile back.  Yes 1.5 miles.  See I can add.

Towards the back of the cave you have to crawl.  I kid you not!

Ah there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Finally getting back out again.  Its quite chilly in the tube, about 46 F.  I could see my breath and was happy I had a fleece vest.

I made it to this point at Windy Ridge Loop view point, which is about half way up.

See that tiny person in the photo?  That is J and he is almost to where I stopped which is the photo above.  Not bad for a person with a sprained ankle.  I wanted a good vacation so I did everything possible to enjoy it.

J waving at me from the very top of Windy Ridge. 

This is part of the blast zone from the 1980 explosion.

The lateral blast knocked down any tree less than 8 feet in diameter, moments later, the landslide pushed dirt, rock and trees into the southern end of the lake, forcing the water up over the northern shores.  When the lake flowed back into it's new bed, all the trees on the hillside were washed into the new lake.  The whitish stuff is the trees.

See the tiny island to the left and closest to the land mass in the front of the photo?  That used to be the area in which President Truman's lodge was located.  It now sits at the bottom of the lake buried by the blast.

This is a photo of J and me at Windy Ridge Loop Mount St. Helen's National Volcanic Monument.  Squinting from the sun and wind with smiles on our faces.

Flowers growing wild in the blast zone.

Now for the complaints, though few, here they are:
Many thanks to Stayfree, Kotex, Playtex and Tampax for aiding me in making it through my holiday with J.  J says to say "screw you Al.wa.ys and your 'have a happy period'".  So yes the 27th brought the flood gates from hell in the evening.  The Endometriosis has definitely grown back.  Piggybacking tampon with pad got me through about two hours at a time while on my adventure.  Side note:  porta-potties are not very conducive to female needs.  Thankfully I keep hand sanitizer with me!

 I went to the doctor today.  The ankle is wrapped and they gave me an IM of Toradel.  Hasn't helped a bit yet and it should have before I left the office.  I rolled my ankle out, then in causing a three stage sprain: high ankle, medial and lateral.  I still had a fun time in the caves and managed to walk out on my own two feet.

J and I celebrated his birthday on the road and he is so proud of me, and so am I for what it matters, for making the vacation fun though I was injured and in major pain from the endo.  There are times you just have to say "screw it I'm going to live my life no matter how much pain I'm in.".

The Baker's Daughter

I love to bake.  I love to eat.  I love a good story.

From very little substance but with much love and effort a country rose up to take back its power much like what happens when you make bread.  Like when capturing yeast from spoiled milk, the milk goes sour and starts to breed bacteria which is similar to when a people have had enough of their leadership and soured by them breeding dissension.  Feed the bacteria and it will grow into its own culture.

I lived in Germany for three years and enjoyed my travels in Europe.  The food, the sites, the culture in Germany are more than just the costumes and castles.  They are survivors that have rebuilt.

I lived on the economy in a small town called Markt Einersheim in Bavaria.  My apartment was sandwiched between the landladies quarter and her daughters' apartment above me.  Omi was located in the basement.  We became a family for three years.  We laughed and cried and quarreled at times.

In the spring I would grow plants and share the seedlings with my landlady.  One year I had  too many tomato plants and gave her a dozen.  She repaid me that year with plums and butter head lettuce.  Little gifts would appear on my door step like cookies and I would bake some for her too.  The holidays were extra special with the baskets of wine and sweets.

The German hospitality is something to be appreciated.  One must remember to reciprocate too.   If I was invited to a dinner party I would bring two bottles of wine one white one red.  I didn't always know what was on the menu so I played it safe.  My German friends loved a good home cooked meal and their love of cooking really showed with how they displayed the foods on the table.

This novel brought back some of my most favorite memories of Germany.  I can't wait to try out the recipes at the end of the book.


This post is inspired by Sarah McCoy's The Baker's Daughter. In a small Texan town, Reba discovers Elsie's German Bakery and falls in love with more than the pastries. Shes drawn to Elsie's life in Germany during the last year of WWII. Join From Left to Write on August 29  as we discuss Gone Girl. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

CD 20 Wasn't Fun

Yesterday I did another OPK, still a faint line.  No LH surge yet.  Today CD 21 I decided to not bother to test at all.  At least not after what happened last night.

The ovarian cyst pain has been getting worse.  By nightfall I'm in really bad pain.  The RE has told me to take it easy and they know I still want to try for a baby on my own but have warned me to be careful.

Well so last night, as per my every other day rule, I tried.  It hurt.  I bled.  I bled.  And I bled.  I passed a clot.  I'm like WTF!  Its not bad enough that I'm getting endo cramps after I pee, I get the ovarian cyst pain and the nausea from it too but now I'm going to bleed again!

The bleeding stopped after an hour.  I swear it was like a bad slasher flic with the blood on my thighs, towel, and every where else.  But I knew it couldn't be my period yet, even that is minimum of five days away still and I should only be spotting.

I'll report this little mishap to the RE office on Monday.  They should know that it looks like the endometriosis is indeed growing back and quickly.  Before we go ahead with the donor eggs I'll have to get another HSG or SIS and some other testing.  I'm really hoping that I'm wrong about the endometriosis.  Maybe it was just a cyst ripping open and causing a bleed?

All I know is that I don't need this to be happening before I go on vacation.  Even if it is just one night and two days away from home.  I need to get out of Dodge for a while.

Not Much To Say Today

For all you newly pregnant friends and new parents; remember to install the nanny cam in the kid's toy! 

Just Saying

Some of My Shop

Just wanted to give you a sneak peek at what I'll be carrying in my shop.  I know that some of you have checked it out already and have seen what I've sold in the past.  As of yet I haven't had the chance to purchase the rest of the items to make the lip balms or soaps but I might get to that soon.

For now I'll be listing in Daren Diana Designs some of the following items:

Baby booties, chain maille jewelry (my husband makes some really lovely pieces),  and gemstone jewelry that I handcraft.  I'm a registered jewerly artist with the SRAJD and my number is #137.  I registered with them, and was accepted by them about 6 years ago.

Now because of a bit of paranoia, a healthy dose mind you, I won't be posting photos on here of my work until I've listed it in my shop.  Yes, people love to steal designs.  I did run into that when I was with Etsy.  A little war ensued and I removed a few of my items because another girl insisted she had them first.  It of course as a lie.  I was stupid enough to show photos of my items, in a forum, before I listed them.  I thought for sure no one would be a copy cat, why would they bother I thought?  I trust my regular readers but there are those that like to lurk that might decide what I have is quite novel and want to get in on it.  There isn't much I can't craft.  I used to make 3.5 inch floppy disc note pad.  I used to make credit card note pads too from all those cardboard credit cards they used to send in the mail.  I used to make bullet jewelry before it became a hit on ETSY and I took quite a bit of flack for making it from the community that thought it was too violent because of its very nature.  Oh give me a break!  Most of you know where I would have gotten my spent rounds because my spouse and I like to go target shooting.  I will be putting some of that very stuff back into my shop too.  Well the stuff that I can get away from my spouse that he won't be trying to reload that is.

Alright enough of my babble.  I have a healthy paranoia as I've explained above.

CD 17

Every morning I get up and do an OPK.  Every morning it still shows negative.  However, I do have the egg white cervical mucus.  No clue why if the LH surge has yet to be.  Still we are BDing every other day.  Yes, even though I do still have a 5 cm ovarian cyst on the right side. 

The pain is there.  There is also now more pain on the left side.  Maybe I'm getting ready to ovulate?  Maybe I'm developing another cyst?

This morning there was some blood in the egg white cervical mucus.  Implantation bleeding?  Probably not.  Most likely something is screwy going on inside of me.  We all know with my age and rotten eggs the chance of me getting pregnant is slim.  I have a higher chance of getting a second ovarian cyst.

On a different note:
I'm way behind on my kirigami because I've been getting stuff ready for my Etsy shop when I open it next month.  Every day I've been creating a new item to put into the shop for sale.  I'll be using the proceeds from the sale to cover all those glorious medical bills from infertility that aren't covered by the insurance.  I doubt I'll be able to make enough to cover donor eggs but I'd like to give it a shot.

Today I felt froggy enough to dye my hair.  I figured it was time as its been a month.  I wonder, if I get pregnant, if I'll be allowed to dye my hair throughout the pregnancy.  I've been slowly going grey since I was 16.

Ashamed and Annoyed

I am really ashamed at where I live.  My neighborhood is going to pot.  I mean a piss pot at that. 

Today I called again about the abandoned house next to me.  Nothing has been done.  Nothing will be done either as long as the tenant keeps paying for the satellite dish and their rent.  Its disgusting how its been left.  Equity told me today that they can't give me any information about the place.  I stated quite firmly that I didn't request information about the place but that I am reporting that it has been abandoned.  They don't care as long as they get their money.

It was so much better when the Army owned the housing on the installation.  They only own the land the housing is on.  Its really irking me at how the tenants think that they can just get away with everything.

I spoke with Tianana at Equity this morning.  I complained about the neighborhood violations.  She laughed.  Nice how she thought it was so funny that our neighbors leave their trash and recycling cans out on the sidewalk for 5 days past the pick up date.  She asked me for house numbers.  I gave her two right off.  All I had to do was look to my left to see the ones that are doing it every week.  This place is looking like the slums.

If you are going to live in a house with a lawn you need to take care of your rental.  I'm sorry but I don't want to see your trash out on the sidewalk and watch you drive up and just ignore it.  Really does it take that much effort for you to wheel your trash cans up to your house?  If you wheeled them down there I'm sure you can bring them back up.

I don't want to see you walking your dog off its leash and letting it shit on the sidewalk and walking away without picking it up.

I don't want to see you driving 40 in a 20 mph zone.  Yes, even the buses violate the speed zone.

I don't want to see you working on your vehicle, or friend's vehicle in your garage with the door open or in the driveway letting all those toxic chemicals spill down in the drain way to get washed into the storm drain.

If you drop your paper, can, bottle, wrapper, or food container  pick it up.  Don't leave it there for the raccoons and crows to chew on.

 I think my neighborhood needs some major extermination of the violators.  I'm so sick and tired of following the rules that I signed off on only to have my neighbors decide to not follow them.  You've been warned.  I'm turning all of you in.  I tried to live with a cohesiveness and happy go lucky but not anymore.  I see it, I report it.  The housing office is going to have to get off their butts and start ticketing the offenders if the neighborhood is going to listen.

You can't be the wishy wash parent that only applies the rules when you want to.  You have to be the firm parent that keeps the rules enforced

Staying Cool

This morning in my email I got word of some bad news.  My ex sister-in law told me of the death of her brother-in-law, my former brother-in-law.  My former nieces and nephews still call me aunt.  They often remark on how they miss me.  I miss them too.  Its the only thing in the divorce that I regret putting behind me.  My ex had two nice brothers.  One died yesterday.  He was the same age as my own brother.  They had the same birthday too.  Its just hard to believe that he is gone.  May he rest in peace.

On to other news.  Its hot here.  Nothing I can't handle.  I keep the shades drawn and windows closed for most of the day.  Right now I have them open to get a cross breeze.  I'll probably be shutting them in about half an hour before the sun hits my living room window making it a sauna.  I realize that it could be much hotter than the 92 plus heat index of the last few days.  Most folks don't realize that the village I live on on post does not have air conditioning.  The newer villages come equipped with it in their housing but not my place.

Now as for rumors.  This morning I was woken up by the phone.  My bestie called me to find out if I knew anything about the rumor going around.  I said I had not heard about it but would call my spouse to find out if he knew.  He hadn't heard anything about it either.  So at this point we can neither confirm nor deny that there has been a shooting on the north fort of this installation.  The rumor is that some guy has an M-16 on north fort, which is now supposedly under lock down (yeah I'd like to see them try to lock down the whole north fort section and its training areas and lakes), and is running around shooting people.  I turned on the news stations, I searched for it online...NOTHING.  So again I cannot confirm nor deny the rumor.  It is just a rumor at this point.

With that being said I left my house unlocked and walked to the mail box and back.  Hey if someone is going to take me out they'll take me out.  Most likely I'll die of a heart attack before I'll die from a shooting.  Remember a shooting has better chances of survival than an unattended heart attack.

AF might just be going away after 13 days.  I have to be careful to whisper that little tid bit.

Yesterday I did more maintenance on ETSY.  I set up my shop with type of payment, policy, and shipping restriction.  Right now it will be domestic only.  I also took 4-5 photos of everything I have on-hand that I'll be putting in my shop.  Just a few items for now.  I still have to go about making more things.  I might just have it open by the 4th of Sept.  I figure why waste time on putting it up on the first if every one is away from the internet enjoying the labor day weekend.

Off On A Religious Tangent

Last night before bed I read The Heart of the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  Rather interesting book.  I've only glanced at it before and read a few pages.  Even after taking my melatonin last night I was restless.  Always wanting to improve my relationship with my husband I read the book.

Now because I read the book and there were some passages quoted from the Bible I ended up having thoughts this morning that ran off in entirely different direction than what I was hoping to keep focused on.  Thanks Fibromyalgia.

So I will pose what will most likely be a long and complex question to my readers with lots of sub questions making a whole mess of what I really wanted to ask in the first place since we know my mind rambles here and there.  Here goes nothing.


Since Jesus was the son of G*d, and born a Hebrew how did the Christian offset become?  Oh and since he was born of G*d does that mean that when the angel Gabriel came down from Heaven with "The Blessing" from G*d does that mean that she was artificially inseminated like an IUI or perhaps an IVF if the whole embryo was implanted and it wasn't created within her?  Oh and would this make all IVF and IUI babies divine by G*d's creation of his son?  So since Jesus was born to Jews, back to the main question, why didn't his own people, "the chosen ones", deem him to be the prophet that they were waiting for and follow him?  Why did they in fact chose to betray him sending him to his death?  Judge not lest ye be judged and all that stuff.

Well with all that said I hope someone has some clues for me or answers.

I've decided to wait until at least 1 Sept to open my Etsy shop.  I have a lot of planning to do in the background including making more merchandise, taking photos, construction of the light box and setting up accounts for monies received before I have it ready to open.  I plan on using the proceeds to help pay off any and all debts I've incurred for the treatments to get pregnant.  As in pay back to my savings for my retirement.  J thinks this is a splendid idea and fully supports my venture into the business world once again.  He used to be my errand boy.  Yes, I had him bring all the parcels to the post office for me on his way to and from work.  Maybe I'll get him to make some chainmaille jewelry for the shop too.  He makes some really beautiful creations.

Oh and still AF is here!  Ugh!  What did I start with that?  Yikes!

What Next?

So um yeah, I thought the bleeding was slowing down but AF likes to trick me I guess.  Hoping it will soon stop as I've already booked a getaway for later this month.

J and I want to go back to Mount St. Helen's.  Last year when we went it was socked in with fog.  This year we are hoping for a bit better scenery.

Just before I run away from home again I'll be posting a book review for the book club I belong to.  I'm really loving the story line of this novel and the recipes at the end of the book.

Last night J and I sat down and went over the dozen egg donors that I printed out.  I narrowed it down to my blood type.  I'm A positive which seems to be quite common among the donors.  Then because none of the donors come even close to my husband's coloring we went with mine.  I was rather hoping to find a blonde haired, blue eyed donor so that I could just tell our kid that he/she looks like its daddy.  Well that isn't going to happen.  But there are many donor out there that look a lot like me.  I swear my folks cloned me.

With all the above said we have our first and our second lined up.  Now if only they will be there later this year when we want them we'll be set.  Ugh!  I know how luck goes.  We have the 3rd, 4th, and 5th lined up too.  Who knows what the fall of the year will bring with donors.  For now we have promise with the ones we chose.  All five are proven which pleases me.

On the cyst front:
I'm getting more pain. Now the pain is more on the left side and the cyst is on the right. Could I be revving up for ovulation?  Probably.  I did an OPK yesterday and it was pale.  I should probably do one today.  Seriously at this point it would be just like my body to shoot out a bad egg to muck things up more.  Not like I'm really wanting sex with all the bleeding and pain either.  Still it would probably lead to yet another nasty cyst and that is far from what I want at this point.  The one I have is bad enough.

Looking At My Options With Hope

Well today I finally got the email I've been waiting very impatiently for.  Oh and it made me happy.

I have yet to tell J the good news with the email but I'll share it with him later on. 

As for the doctor now.  Okay RE's office called me yesterday and told me that they wanted a blood count done. I got it done.  It was just fine.  I'm fine too.

Thankfully the bleeding is light today.  I'm hoping it will be done in a day or two since its now CD 10.

So back to the email.  I got my password today for the donor egg bank.  I've been viewing profiles ever since.  I'm a little dismayed that there aren't more donors than originally given at a glance.  But that is okay too.  I have looked at each profile.  I have written down information and will sort through it tonight with any luck. 

Yes I want to get this ball rolling as soon as we get word.  The word being whether or not J can re-enlist.  I'll deal with the rest of the gynecological issues as they crop up.  I do have a real worry with the endometriosis.  I know that prostaglandins can cause me to miscarry early on.  Again I'll worry about that when I have to.  I lose enough sleep with the fibromyalgia.

Thank you to all my blogger friends out there that have given me so much support.  Now its just a wait and see.  For now all I can think of is the cyst that is not going away and how it might make all this a bust.

Working On Things

Well that is the finished banner above.  I've been asked I don't know how many times why those names.  Well it goes together nicely the 3 D's.  J always liked the name Daren and as a kid I loved the show Wonder Woman thus the Diana. 

Yes I've been crafting since I was a kid.  I learned to sew at age 4.  I did my first needlepoint at age 6 according to what my mom wrote on the cardboard backing to the item she framed.  She was very proud of me.  By age 11 I had earned most of the Girl Scout badges in the handbook.  Over achiever.  So now what do I do with the skills that I've learned?  Not much.

In my shop there is presently nothing listed.  If you go to the site you'll see by looking around what I used to sell under the 162 sales.  I had it open for about 1.75 years when I closed it.   I was preparing to move to Korea of which never happened.  I closed it too soon.  I ended up moving to WA instead about 8 months after I closed the shop.

Now for other matters.

****TMI****
Its still going.  I've been eating quick carb, salt, sugar foods to keep my energy up.  Thus I've put on 2.5 pounds.  One cannot eat macaroni and cheese boxed food without paying the consequences if one is sodium sensitive.  I feel like a puff ball.

I haven't called my doctor yet today.  As a matter of fact I haven't even been awake for but an hour as I type this.  I've been sleeping a lot from the fatigue.  I do have some hope that the bleeding will soon slow down as the rate of passing clots has slowed to twice an hour rather than every 15 minutes.
*********

Its Monday so my spouse is back at work and its not like I'm going to go walk over for an appointment.  His workplace is sick of him asking for time to go drive me to appointments.  They got fed up with it in June when I had the surgery.  So if I can't walk to the appointment its not going to happen.  This is the Army we are talking about.  They don't pay enough for an enlisted soldier to keep and maintain two vehicles.  They don't want you to have family.  I've said before the old saying, "if they wanted you to have a family they would have issued you one.".  Its true.

So with that said I will call the RE office and let them know what is going on.  I will also tell them what I am doing to take care of said matter.

I'll work it all out soon.  Still no word from the frozen donor egg clinic.  I have emailed them no less than three times.  Nothing in my email or spam folder from them.  Maybe they don't like my email address?  I'll have J try to email them from his official email account since mine has to be re-certified.

My pelvis still hurts, pain still goes down the right thigh.  I was hoping that the cyst would have ruptured by now.  No such luck.

Keeping Busy

Well I might just be re-opening my etsy shop.  I closed it when I moved out here 5 summers ago.  Just now I logged back in and while trying to change to announcement that I would be coming back soon my banner disappeared.  Oh Joy.  My little icon is still there but I miss my banner.  Boo Hoo!  So I guess it will take some time to make a new one.  I liked the Celtic theme I had too.  I first opened my shop in March of 2006.  I did pretty good on my sales too, I think.

****TMI****

On the Red Front; will it ever end?  I think its the fourth day of heavy bleeding.  I'm so distracted I can't think clearly.  I'm so tired I think I'm working on my last brain cells.  I know if I had looked more closely at my Etsy account I would have not clicked save changes without clicking on my banner and saving it.  Ugh! 

I stand up to get my glass refilled and I can feel the blood.  When is this going to stop?  I know I complained about how long it had been since I had a cycle start but I'd like this bleeding to stop now.  I've given up on the super tampons as they are doing nothing to abate the flow to panties.  I'm just wearing a super long maxi pad in the hopes that I can make it through an hour without having to change it.

Maybe if I just tell everyone to buzz off and leave me to my own devices I'll just sit in my recliner all day and mope.  I can't do that.  I have to stay busy.  I'm not one of those people that can relax by watching television all day long.  I fidget way too much.

So there is my whine again today.  I have managed to do yet another load of laundry.  I have managed to re-open my shop.  I just need to start on the process of making a new banner.  The old banner is lost.

Saturday Slow Start

J and I have dog duty today but I'll get to that in a few.  First I'll tell you how the dental appointment went yesterday.

I arrived early like I usually do.  I had several xrays done, then one more because my insurance won't pre approve squat and needs a special xray for one thing.  UGH!  I think I'm glowing in the dark now...thanks insurance.

I have no cavities.

I have two old silver fillings that are cracked badly. They were installed when I lived overseas so they truly are old...over 12 years old.  Considering that I have bruxism and just started using a night guard earlier this year is it any wonder the old fillings are cracked and missing pieces?

My former dentist on the East Coast would have gotten a dressing down by the dentist here if she had been present.  Dr.S. doesn't like how Dr.C. did my teeth.  Dr.C. didn't seal my two crowns.  Dr.C. didn't rebuild my 8 year old molar properly either according to Dr.S.  "I'm not impressed", she said.  She also commented that the Indian dentists she knows are usually top students.

So okay I have more dental work in the future.  But Dr.S. noted right off that she could tell that I do floss.  Yay me!

My bestie S is out for a while today to celebrate her youngest child's birthday.  I was invited.  I'm not going.  I'm bleeding so heavily that at times I'm dizzy.  She isn't understanding.  I'm looking normal and she thinks that she understands but yet begs me to come along.  Really folks I know that most people are not going to understand endometriosis.  J and I agreed to go over to her house and water and walk her dogs.  I'll water, J can walk them.  I can't handle walking them as they are larger dogs.  They pull and jump on me too.  I'll wear old clothes.  I'm doing this not for S but for the dogs.  I can't see leaving them all day long in the crates.  S means well by them at least.

I still need to get S's youngest a gift.  I still need to get J a gift too.  His birthday is coming up quick.  This means I'll have to suck it up today and go shopping.  Fun times today....NOT!

This is me signing off of the whine train.  I'll make the best of today even if I have to wear a diaper to do so.

Dental Check Up

This is the very post card I received from my dentist reminding me to schedule my cleaning.  Today I'm off to see my dentist.  I swear its about the only thing I usually get a good check up in.  I'm hoping that none of my fillings are cracked.  I still have a couple of old ones that could possible have to get removed.

Not looking forward to the cleaning.  My teeth are sensitive and they always hurt after I get my check up.  Worse is that though its CD6 I'm still bleeding (its finally getting to flood gate stage) so my gums are sure to be really sensitive too.

Well I'll find out the damage in a few hours.  I do floss daily and brush twice daily and I use a mouthwash recommended by the dentist.  What more can I do?  Well I could eat less sugar I guess but we all have a vice or two.

So if I get a good check up should I expect a kitten as a reward from the dentist or a cheap toothbrush?  I'd rather get the kitten because I don't use their toothbrushes; I have a sonicare that I use.

My Shoes

I'm wondering if there is anyone out there in my shoes who has had success at my age with conception with all my problems.

Facts:
43
Army Wife (means at times I'll be doing it all alone)
miscarriages
Endometriosis
Hypertension
Fibromyalgia
CFS
Oh and the list goes on.

But really with the blogging community I'm starting to feel alone.  Its not the fact that there have been a lot of BFPs lately.  If anything it gives me some hope.

But there is the reality.  I'm 43.  I have endometriosis.  I have other health issues.

Has anyone my age been able to get pregnant with these issues?

With their own eggs?

With donor eggs?

Have they been able to carry to term?

If not to term to viability and have that baby survive?

I'm hoping that there is someone out there my age, with similar issues, that can give me a light of hope.  Oh and yes, age does matter to me.  I need to find someone 42-44 or older that has gone through what I have.

I'm not tossing away my friends but I'm looking for someone who is like me that can give me advice.

Is it still advisable to continue on the journey?  Should I try for donor eggs?  Or am I just throwing away a nest egg on a futile hope that the endometriosis won't cause me to reject the embryo?

Blessed or Depressed

I went to bed around my usual time of 2300 hrs.  I got up late.  I'm still really fatigued.

Maybe I did too much yesterday.  I know I went to bed in pain from the ultrasound and walk home from the hospital.

Today I'm doing housework.

Maybe the pain is making me depressed?  If so its time to count my blessings once again.

1)  I have a house.  Its rented but I have a house.  Not an apartment.  I don't share walls with another tenant and I have a yard in which I can grow plants.

2) I have a husband that loves me.  He may be selfish and immature but he does love me.  He won't cheat on me.....I hope.

3)  I have food to eat, even if I'm too tired to prepare said food today.

4)  I have free time each and every day to complain whereas others do not.  I'm not working myself to death.

5)  I'm childless.  WHAT!  Is that truly a blessing?  Well some days when I'm sick it is.  When I want to just up and go somewhere I don't have to figure out travel with a child.  I'd like to have that particular challenge some day.  Unlike traveling with a pet, children are accepted at motel chains without having to pay an extra fee for possible damage.  Though I swear I've met some kids that should have pet deposits imposed on them as well.

6)  I'm pet free.  I can pick up and go when I want, where I want.  Well sort of.  I have my bad fibromyalgia/endometriosis/meniere's days....oh heck you all know I have a lot of medical conditions by now.

7)  I have my health.  Not joking.  I do have my health.  I'm not on death's door step though I feel like it today.

8)  I have money in the bank though the interest rates are so low these days I might as well stuff it in a mattress.

9)  My debts are all paid off.  Except for the usual utility bills that come in every month along with the cable bill.

10)  I have a choice.  I have a plan.  Its a blessing to know that I have still have options in my geriatric fertility years.  If all goes well I'll be pregnant by early next year.  I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket as they won't be my eggs will they?

11)  I have friends.  They may come and go but I have my friendships.

So with all of the above said, sorry if it seems like I'm still a tad blue, but I'm just worn out.  I can't get out of my own way today.  Now if only I could find a gluten free, tasty, soy-free Chinese place that delivered I'd be set today.

Two Hearts; not always better than one

There are days I just want to have a hissy fit.  Today might just be one of them.

0845 hrs J drops me off at Madigan so I can get my blood work done then go to my appointment at the RE clinic at 1040 hrs.

Lab runs me through quickly which was rather surprising.  At 0915 hrs I'm at the clinic.  I tell the receptionist that I know I'm early but I'll wait since I had to get blood work.  She puts my folder up on the top of the desk.  I get called in next.  Okay so much for waiting.

At this point it doesn't matter about the blood work.  I know I'm not pregnant and I know with the pain, diarrhea, and nausea I've been getting things aren't good.    In comes Dr. B.  In goes the probe.  Up on the screen he marks where I'm shedding my uterine lining and mentions that I've probably got a few more days to go with that.  I knew that too. 

Now for the bad stuff.  Yup the cyst is still there.  Its not smaller.  Still same dimensions just a different shape.  Its shaped like a heart.  A 5 CM HEART!!!

So no letrozole for me. 

No pass go and collect extra follicles this cycle.

Sex only  with extra caution and no deep penetration because we might just twist the ovary.  I'm not winning folks.

The only good thing that Dr.B. said was that I'm ovulating on my own.  He said that unfortunately I'm not producing quality eggs.  This I knew.

Again I chat with him about the Donor Egg Program in Seattle.  J isn't with me, he is at work.  I'm waiting on his re-enlistment when his profile has expired.  That is if they'll let him re-enlist.  Talk about stress.

I walked home from the hospital.  Its less than a mile and I can use the exercise.  I've only lost a pound this week.

Yes, we are done with my DNA unless a miracle occurs. 

We are done trying totally unless he can re-enlist.

We can't do donor eggs until we get my cyst issue under control.  That means birth control, most likely, once it is resolved.  We need to prevent further estrogen producing cysts which would muck up a donor egg cycle.

I have to say I'm disappointed with the cyst still being there but I knew it was there from the symptoms I've been getting.  However, I am excited, but I don't want to get my hopes up that we can move on to donor eggs.  I want to do donor eggs.  I'd rather eliminate the possibility of passing on some genetics that are mine that could be bad (IE: endometriosis, fibromyalgia, heart disease, diabetes on both sides of my family) and go with the "rock star" eggs.

Keep me in your thought and prayers if you would.  Next RE appointment is slated for 4 September.  We'll see what the next scan shows in a month.

100 Days

One hundred days has come and gone.  Last night CD 1 hit.  YAY!

Tomorrow I have lab work and an ultrasound at the RE office.  Oh joy I get poked and prodded while bleeding. 

The bleeding was heavy at first last night and now its so darn light I could probably get away with a pantyliner.  This is the usual for me when I've had to use progesterone to get it started or when I got done using progesterone after yet another failed clomid cycle.

I knew it was coming soon when I started craving my PMS foods.  I've been good but I can hear the potato chips calling my name and saying for me to please eat them. 

I have a dental appointment on Friday.  Gad I hope my gums don't bleed too much from the hormone levels being screwey.

But yes speaking of hormones I'm really hoping that the E2 level is down and the cyst is gone.  I can hope right?  I've had enough bad cramping over the past few days that I would only hope that maybe, just maybe it ruptured.  I'll know more tomorrow.

Still dealing with the green nasal discharge and breathing issues.  Chest hurts to take a deep breath.  Things are just fun times here right now.  Hear me WHINE!  I'd say roar but that would hurt to try to do so I won't roar I'll just whine.

New Charges and Old Beef

Okay so today I'm still feeling not so hot.  Or perhaps I should say not so cool as the temps, including my own body temp are rising.  I'm coughing up thick yellow crap and blowing out green.  Breathing is fun at times.  I need to ride this out, been there, done that crap before.  Yes this blog is about crap since I'm feeling like crap.

Today's mail yielded up more crap.  Two credit card offers for my spouse, a postcard reminder for my one kill a tree pleasure magazine subscription and a notice from our landlord.  Our landlord is Equity.  Yes the ones that purchased our housing from the military years ago.  I detest our landlord.  We now pay for any overages of the average neighborhood usage per month for gas and electric.  Thankfully I've been getting refunds most months.  Now the latest beef of mine...trash.

We are now going to be charged for our trash pick up if its over the limit.  I put out the cans every two weeks on the recycling days.  My recycling can is usually half full and the trash can about a quarter full which isn't too bad considering there are only two of us and this is me putting it out every two weeks. 

"The only charge you may incur is if you choose to go over your average consumption for trash services.  WE are really striving for everyone to recycle as much as possible and help Lewis-McChord Communities and JBLM achieve "net zero" waste."

So does this mean they are going to weigh my trash?  Does this mean they are finally going to allow us to put glass into the recycling bins rather than truck it down to the recycling center ourselves?  Probably not.  I'm guessing it will be a can count and I doubt I'll be getting a refund check for my less trash consumption.

We compost.  We shred our mailing.  We recycle what we can into upcycled projects.

I'm going to most likely, after my spouse reads the letter, recycle the letter into scrap paper which will then become something else including possible compost last.  Or maybe I'll use it to light the copper kettle fire pit to roast marshmallows when its use as scrap paper is finished.

I'm wondering if this is part of the budget cuts.  I think the government has cut back on the benefits to the soldiers enough already.  

Enough of this crap already.  I'm tired of giving until I've given up what I should be entitled to in order to cut corners.  No pay raises, cut benefits, PCM that cut corners making it so that I can't get proper medical care, rising food costs and gas prices.  Someone needs to be voted out of office before I have to cut holes in my pockets to replace the fiber I used to be able to afford in my diet.

Echoes

It is said that history repeats itself so that we learn from our past mistakes.

I've just taken my last dosage of Provera.  Hopefully I'll never need it again for this purpose.  I get nightmares.

Yesterday morning I awoke with convulsing sobs racking my body.  In my dream I was told to say good bye to my husband.  They had done everything they could but they didn't intubate him in time to save him.  He was brain dead.

This morning a phone ringer awoke me from another bad dream.  This time I was in the hospital and they said that my husband had a GSW (gun shot wound) and was in surgery.  Again they couldn't save him.

I don't recall ever having nightmares where my spouse couldn't be saved.  I don't recall ever having the nightmares two nights in a row.

The phone call was another echo from the past.  Just before J was to deploy this past spring the same number called.  I know who it was.  I know why they called.  I'm scared.

I called J immediately to tell him of who called.  I asked him to check his official email some time today just in case its what I think it might be.  I realize its rather late in the game but J's profile, from surgery, is about to expire and he'll be deployable again.

I did tell him about yesterday's dream and pushed it off as the hormones.  I did not tell him about today's nor will I for a while since I'm guessing it really is just my fears and the damn hormones.

If he is going to deploy I'm going to freeze his sperm.  I'm going to ask him to set up an appointment with me as soon as possible with the clinic in Seattle for the donor eggs.  You just never know.  I mean why wait.  Its something we had planned on doing together this new year coming up so if he is going to deploy why wait.  Do it now.

So this is where I stand today.  My asthma has been beating up my respiratory tract for the past several days, almost a week now.  Yesterday I had to use my emergency inhaler twice.  Today I took a benadryl and I might just start back on my nebulizer.  The green gunk from my nasal passages is getting too thick.  I'm trying to avoid antibiotics as they mess up the rest of my body.  The post nasal drip is making it so hard to breathe.  This wouldn't be the first time I've developed a sinus infection that turned to asthmatic bronchitis in summer.  Yes I know its heading there too.  Neti pot, pushing more fluids, benadryl, nebulizer...I've got it covered.  Its just going to take some time to clear up.  Just one more echo from my past.

***Update***
J just came home to get some documents.  He said they wouldn't be allowed to deploy him until his three months have passed from the date of surgery.  Well that is some good news.  He still has time here and will hopefully be safe.

Lack Of Bees and Pet Peeves

This year my tomatoes aren't doing all that well.  The flowers open up and wither away.  Why?

LACK OF BEES!

I've only seen a few bees around the garden.  I have but a few tomatoes on the two plants.

So when I saw a pest control truck pull up across the street I almost freaked out.  My neighbor is having her nest ripped out and chemicals sprayed.    I'm so sad.  Yes, I know she could quite possibly be allergic to them but more often than not we humans are idiots.  We don't wait until the end of the season to remove bee nests.  WE RIP THEM OUT in peak season.

I'm miffed.

Okay the neighbor doesn't take care of their lawn either.  Leaves their trash cans out for days after the pick up.   Why don't they try to bring up the neighborhood rather than drag it down.

Yes, its a pet peeve of mine.  If you want to live in the slums then move off post.  I don't want your junker cars that leak fluids parked up on blocks on my street.  Its against the rules here.  Oh and who cares?!  No one but me I swear.  I've called housing and they just don't do their job.  I've still not seen a single person come out to check on the vacant house next to me.  I guess housing just likes to sit on their butts and collect their pay and our rent checks!  Dammit I wish the Army had kept their own housing.

Yes the Army did take better care of their own properties.  They sold the housing to Equity but kept the land.  We pay out the butt for rent and get very little back.  I miss the days of the family housing taken care of by the Army and the families actually caring about their rentals.