Sunday, October 16, 2011

Blogaversary Just Slipped By

I haven't been in a very good place of late.  I'm letting all those wonderful IVF hormone shots that J gives me nightly change me.  Sure the change in my body has been for the better but the mental changes have not made me a nicer person.

Talking with my psychologist the other day in my DBT group I realized that the hormones I'm on are considered mind altering drugs.  But my psychologist, a Ph.D., reminded me that currently its something that I can't give up without repercussions.  I want to be on these drugs.  I allow myself to be injected nightly by J.  If he can't inject me for some reason, like work, then I'll do it myself.

So I sit here wallowing in my own pity how I've let these meds turn me into a horrible, screaming, banshee of a person.  Yes, I scream.  Little things set me off.  Anything can set me off these days.  I don't expect all of my readers to understand what I'm going through, even if you have done IVF your own experience is very personal with how you respond to the drugs.  However, I'm sure that there are quite a few of my IF blogger buddies that can well understand the challenges I'm facing daily in just dealing with the emotions that flood me from the hormones.

I've let my blog anniversary just slip by.  It was 14 Oct.  I've been whining and complaining about my life for a year now.  Its been a good life, a good year.  Sure I've yet to conceive, I've yet to see my spouse get promoted, I've yet to settle with my NY lawyers my work comp case or even see a single dollar of the money I was supposed to get.  However, I now need to list my blessings. 

1)  I have lost weight.  22 pounds over all with a slight gain back this week from the ovaries of which I was told I should expect.

2) I still have my marriage.  I work at it daily.  I apologize to my spouse when after I've yelled I've realized I shouldn't have.  I apologize if I put the blame in the wrong direction too and when I realize I'm wrong with anything at all.  I strive to make things work.  I find reasons to make it work even when I want to call it quits.

3)  Even if I don't get pregnant I still have a full life ahead of me.  I have probably another 40 years to go and I plan on living it to the fullest even if it is without children.  No folks adoption isn't all that easy and for some of us we will never be the chosen ones by the agencies to raise someone else's child.

4)  I can paint.  No not just the walls.  I have a raw talent that I've let go undeveloped.  I'm thinking that I need to take a few art courses, a drawing one would help.  I love to paint watercolors, not always all washed out but bright and bold.  Its been a year since I've picked up a brush and I have that unfinished painting to finish.  Sometimes I let life get in the way.  Now its time for me to take back my time, my me time, and do some painting.

5)  I'm independent.  I like being a strong individual.  I don't have to have need of others to care for me.  I can do it myself.  Even with my disabilities I can still dress myself, cook for me and a small army, do my housework on most days unless I'm not the one who made the mess.  I like going for drives by myself.  I usually like me, except while on the hormones.

6)  I'm easy on the eyes.  I'm not beautiful but I'm not ugly either.  I'm aging well.  Even if I was ugly I think I'd be okay with that because I know who I am.

7)  I'm proud of my past.  Its not been the best childhood with the abuse and I had a bad first marriage.  My past has created the me who I am now, the strong and independent me.  I like who I am.

8)  I'm able to create.  Yes I say create like its a good thing.  Sometimes others will find my logic messed up but I can still create a witty story out of just watching a single person walk down a street.  I have that ability to entertain. I can take a lump of clay, a ball of yarn, a piece of paper and create something more of it than just stare at it.

9)  I have a good reason why I get out of bed each morning though one would think that the amount of pain, thank you Fibromyalgia, I'm in should keep me there and heavily sedated.  I enjoy life.  I want to live every bit of it that I'm given.

10)  I'm blessed with love.  I have the love of my husband, family, friends and most importantly me.  Yes I have to love myself before I learn to love anyone else.  If I can accept who I am even now at my worst then I can still give love to others.

Those are my blessings.  I'm happy with them for today.  They evolve and grow with me as the day passes into night and the night becomes the morn.


  1. Just give in to the bitchiness of the hormones. The more you try to fight them, the worse it is. I know we think that we should somehow be better people than to allow those chemicals to change our behaviors, but we're not. You can't rewire those chemicals through force of will. So just relax and accept that you're going to be bitchy, irrational, and irritable for a few more days. When you finally sit back and accept that, the stress level reduces a whole lot.

    Hope you see you on Wednesday for the most awkward "oh gee, nice to see you here!" meeting in history!

  2. Knowing you are blessed is half the battle. Some people never realize how good they have it. They decide to compare themselves to others and feel their life comes up short. Nope. It's not in the life, it's in the thinking.

    Love you, cousin. Thinking of you.

  3. Happy blogoversary!

    Many great things! I say go for a painting class :)


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