Miscarriage Day 2

Letting go of a hope and a dream is never easy.  I had really big hopes and dreams for JR.  I had hopes that I would get to give it a real name as it grew within my womb.  I had hopes to one day feel it quicken.  And yes I had hopes of changing its dirty diaper, cleaning up its trail of toys through the house, and worrying as it went to school, dates and college. 

Now I just have to let go of all those hopes and dreams for this particular baby.  My tally of losses is now increased by one.  I've now lost three.  I'd rather not keep count but who among us infertiles has not keep count of their near and dear almost hopes and dreams.

Within a few months of arriving in Washington State I met someone that loved to read palms.  I'm not one to take to flights of fancy but she was genuine and sweet.  I let her read my palm.  What she saw scared me and I'd almost forgotten all of the bad until now.  She said you'll lose three children but will have others that live to give you grandchildren but that you won't live long to see those grandchildren mature. 

I thought at the time she had to be mistaken as I've only lost two and we haven't had a third show any where near us.  I felt joy knowing that I would someday have grandchildren, but first I had to get a child.  So okay I've now lost three, I want the ones that live.

With that said, we are going to try again.  Yes, we are now on the list for the January IVF.  This will be our last attempt.  Our finances are taking a big hit with this second try but we are prepared as prepared can be.  I did save up for two tries and I want those two tries before my eggs shrivel up and die off altogether.

I have to admit that I am in a goodly amount of pain this morning.  Emotional pain is pretty high because I am finally alone to deal with it all.  J is back to work today.  They let him have a half day to be with me yesterday.  He cried.  He didn't think he would.  But when you realize that you've lost part of you to never see it grow up, it hurts.  I have no clue what the emotional pain would have been like for us had it died shortly after living.  I'd rather not think about it.

No today I'm deal with my own emotional pain.  Tears are welling up easily.  But I still have hope for next cycle at the same time.

The pain of miscarriage is twisting my uterus like someone wringing out a sponge to dry.  I'll deal with it.  I'm not going to say its going to kill me as I've dealt with Endometriosis for as long as I've had periods but just didn't know why they hurt so bad.  I'm not going to say that I'm used to pain either.  But I will say it does hurt.  I may have to reach for the percocet if it gets worse.

Given time, a lot of time, I will heal my emotional hurts and my physical ones too.