Friday, November 4, 2011

Healing The Hurts

It seems as though J and I are going through the 5 stages of grief at different times.  He is seeing a counselor, one that I now refuse to see because the man only takes my husband's side, the soldier's point of view.

I think I've mentioned before that my husband and I go to marriage counseling to make sure that we stay on the right track.  Well with trying to conceive it has become a necessary part of our communications.  However, this former chaplain, is not helping matters.  I realize that because my husband is a soldier he has be protected and come first, but I feel as though my medical conditions should also be put as a high priority too.  This counselor does not try to understand me and likes to cut me off when I'm trying to make a point.  I'm done with this former chaplain.  I have my own counselor who I'll be seeing again later this month.  I can always move our marriage counseling to another person and I think we've decided to do just that as of last night.

Communication at times is lacking in relationships.  Its a necessary thing if one wants to receive what they most desire.  Mind reading is not an option.  In the last few months I've had more sit down, evening discussions with my husband than most couples have in a year's time.

I need to know where we are headed and if we are on the right path.  I don't want to become pushy just so that I know that I'm getting what I want.  I just want to remain in control of my own life without someone else trying to control it for me.  I'm willing to take a back seat, and usually I do, to make sure that we are doing what he needs to get him back on the right path.  My spouse is a bit of a loner.  He wanders off into the darkness on his own path way too often forgetting about obligations to the family time in pursuit of his own desires to be alone.  Okay so we all need a bit of selfish alone time to heal our own wounds but seriously I'm getting tired of yanking him back on the path.

My husband is a wonderful guy that is sweet, and sensitive, and pig headed, and obnoxious, and well a man!  Not that any of it is a bad thing but at the wrong time it can be.  Right now I need that sweet and sensitive guy to hold me while I cry about the miscarriage.  I've yet to have him do that.  I want my time to grieve.

Because I'm unable to let loose fully right now with him I'm stuck often in denial and anger.  When I first started to bleed I did the bargaining.  I knew what was happening.  I prayed to every god I could think of with the hopes that one would hear me.  Sometimes things just happen that I have to accept.  The depression is now hitting me.  I'm not in my happy place. I have hope that because the next IVF cycle isn't that far off, January is the retrieval and transfer  but the medications start much earlier, I'll be in a better mood knowing that a baby is once again a real possibility for us.

Denial             check
Anger             check 
Bargaining       check
Depression      check
Acceptance     getting there


  1. Rebecca your blog is inspiring and well written i am so sorry for what you are going through and could never imagine the pain. my prayres are with you and your family, i hope soon you will have peace and comfort....Shannon

  2. So very sorry for your loss. I had a chemical pregancy about a week ago, so I can really empathize with you. For me that was my last shot with my own eggs, so its a very very bitter pill to swallow. I hope you have good luck in Jan. Hang in there -- and be kind to yourself.

  3. This really spoke to me. Sending you love and light...


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