Friday, November 18, 2011

Miscarriage Therapy Session # 1

Rain drummed on the roof of my SUV as we drove to the clinic.  I looked over at J and asked him to run an errand for me while I was in therapy.  He nodded in agreement and said that he has the list for the grocery store.

J pulled up to the building and let me out into the pelting rain.  This is it I think. Time to go in and get some therapy.

First thing first, I have to check in with the receptionist and use their computer to log my emotions.  Have I been suicidal?  Have I had thoughts of harming anyone?  Have I had marriage issues?  Those are just some of  the general questions that I have to answer in order to get seen at my appointed time.  Thankfully there is an essay block where I can type in the real reason I need to see my therapist today....miscarriage.  Plain and simple I need to find a better way to grieve.

20 minutes later I'm in the therapy room.  My doctor asks me how I'm doing.  I'm trying not to lie but I feel like I have to close up.  I have to protect myself from further hurts.  She sees that I'm already closing down within minutes of the session.

JD gets me to open up a bit.  Just a bit and some tears flow.  Quickly I suck it all back in and start bouncing my left foot up and down while the right one rests over it crossed at the knee.  She says to me, "do you see what you are doing?".  I respond with a squeaky voice with a simple, "Yup".  Why she wants to know.  I explain that crying is a waste of energy and that I was taught to suck it all up.  She says she can see that I'm angry.  Correct I am.  I'm very angry.  I'm being childish but I'm angry at myself and the world.  She explained to me that I'm "wasting" more energy by letting the anger build up when I should let the tears flow.  Its okay to cry.  Its okay to feel hurt and betrayed and all those other emotions that we go through when we have lost someone important to us.

She explained to me it doesn't matter how far along I was pregnant, the fact is that its harder when you go through IVF because you know you are going to create that baby and have it transferred to your body.  You know you are pregnant even if only for a little time.

So JD and I are going to work on my issues with this miscarriage on a weekly basis until I can learn to grieve and let go.  I really need this as I go into my next IVF cycle.  I'm scared of losing another pregnancy.

Even now I'm sucking the tears back in.  I'd like to try to schedule a tear session for Sunday when J has his CQ duty.  I'll have the house to myself for 24 hours and I'll be able to possibly let go and give myself some time to grieve.  Yes, I'm embarrassed to be seen crying.  I never used to be this way.  This is something that has recently started and I don't know how to let go and lose control now.  Its scary.


  1. So glad you are going to talk to someone. I hope you use that time for yourself and if you do cry I hope it makes you fell better. I know I always feel better after I cry. Hugz!

  2. I can totally understand the not wanting to cry. Its messy and well embarrassing. I hate crying, but there are times when I can't fight it. I think the real reason I hate crying is that its an expression of letting go, and allowing the grief to be expressed with tears. And overall, crying has a bad association. But bottling it up is much worse, because you never know where you will be, or who you'll be with when you explode.

    Its okay to be angry right now, but don't bottle it up, let it out. You will feel better once you do.

    I'm so sorry about the miscarriage. I know the grief that comes with it. (((HUGS)))

    Thanks for commenting on my blog.

  3. (*hugs*) on your first session. I hope that it helps you through this. It really is okay to grieve, to cry, to get angry, and even to laugh. I'm sure it's scary, and I'm glad you're seeing someone about everything.


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