Monday, November 28, 2011

Walking The Ledge Of Insanity

This morning I did my final testing.  Both tests were so negative that I'm surprised the control lines even showed up.  Its time to move on from this failed cycle.  Its time to once again let go.

Last night I was watching the season finale of Sister Wives and I cried.  I opened up my box of grief and started to let it flood out.  I called to my husband, who was in another room, for a hug.  He thought of himself again first as the room I was in was colder than where he had been.  Instead of seeing my grief he saw what he needed first.  There are days I feel so unimportant in his eyes.  So I sucked the flood back into my box and snapped that lid shut again.  What came out next was rage.  I shut off the television, I didn't finish watching the episode, and let the anger blast in his direction. He said I was right that he was being selfish.  All I wanted was a hug.  I wanted to once in our marriage come first.  I can't make him give to me what he is not able to give.  I have to accept that.

So I went to bed alone last night.  I said I was angry.  I refused to sleep with him.  Couples have that happen from time to time.  Because I went to bed angry I paid for it in  my dreams.  I was once again locked in that four year old girls body.  At four I experienced the wrath, the violence, the abuse of sexual, physical and mental abuses that no one of any age should have to endure.  I paid for it all over again in my dream world.

My next appointment with my psychologist is not until 9 December.  I hope I can hold myself together that long.  I could call and leave a voice mail message begging to be seen earlier but it wouldn't do any good.  J needs the vehicle for his classes this week.  He has already informed me that its a good thing that I don't have any appointments this week.  Geez, make me feel worse already because I had been thinking about trying to get an appointment for the pelvic pain.  Did I forget to mention that I'm in a lot of pain right now from the endometriosis?  I swear its worse as my period draws ever near.

So I'm awake, I've showered, made the bed and now will drink my caffeinated tea, something I haven't had in weeks, in the hopes that some sort of regime will fight off the depression knocking at my mental doors.  I've got a little over two months before the next egg retrieval and I plan on using that time to lose more weight, exercise, get my marriage in better shape and my mind too.  We'll see how much I actually get accomplished.

Oh and I might just go back to church.  What?  Yes, the church.  The Roman Catholic Church.  I've been feeling a pull in that direction for most of the year.  I've been fighting it off.  But I think I need to go there and address my issues of why I pulled away and why so many are going back to the faith.

Look to my next blog post, possibly later today for the awards I'll be handing out to other bloggers.  For now I need to get going on the projects here at home.


  1. That's why sometimes I think we should get ourselves a brother husband! : ) All joking aside, ARGHHH! So sorry about your frustrations with DH. You deserve better, at the same time, the reality is probably more akin to you having to learn to deal with what you have/your current situation. So sorry you have to shoulder issues w/ marrirage crap on top of everything else. Hopeful for things to improve...

  2. I hope things get better. Maybe your hubby needs to go to these appointments with you. It sounds like you both need someone to facilitate conversation. I'm sorry for your pain.

  3. I just watched that episode and it was SUCH a tear jerker. I'm sorry about your cycle & the rough patch you and J are going through. I'm glad that you have your blog as an outlet. I hope you're both able to get on the same page soon. *hugs*


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