Not A Recapping Post

I'm not going to do the recap of this past year.  Instead I'm going to ask for some healing thoughts.

My dad is back in the hospital again.  One of his heart valves is failing and they can't do surgery.  He has pneumonia and several other issues which are causing complications.

Grocery Shopping

I must be out of my mind to decide to grocery shop at the end of the month the end of the year.  The three stores I went to were crowded.  I did manage to stay under budget and get quiet a few bargain.
At my first stop I purchased the unsalted nuts that I like from Trader Joes.  J bought his pineapple and flavored almonds.

Next stop I bought brand name pasta at bargain prices from Big Lots.  $1.00 a box for veggie pasta when the same brand is $1.29 where I normally would buy it.

We stopped for lunch and I had a craving for an Angry Whopper.  I haven't had one of those in four years.  Not since I moved out to the West Coast.  I rarely eat beef so please don't judge me.

Last stop was the commissary on McChord AFB.  Here is where I struck gold.  Two boxes of cereal, J eats the cereals not me as they are too full of sugar, for only $1.19 each.  Kleenex tissue 184 ct. boxes were on sale for $1.00 each so I picked up nine boxes.  With my chronic sinusitis I go through a lot of tissues. 

On the way home nausea struck.  It wasn't from being hungry nor from what I ate.  I'm not sure what brought on the episode.  No strange smells being pulled into the car from outside either.  Maybe it was J's driving?  Some of my readers know what J's driving is like and how he sometimes swerves while driving.  One cop has pulled him over actually thinking he was intoxicated.
 http://www.magellans.com/psi-bands 
Maybe I should get one of these to combat J's driving effect on my stomach?  or possibly keep some of this on hand?

Neighborhood Changes

By the beginning of Autumn I thought most of the military moves were finished on my street.  Usually the Army tries to move families April through September if possible.

In just the past six weeks we have had three houses empty and two fill up with the neighbor just to the right of us moving out this week making it now four moves.

Watching the Bs move is rather funny.  Perhaps I should go outside with a mug of hot cocoa and direct them on how to pack the truck better.  Why on earth they are deciding to do a DITY move I don't know.  The Penske truck is loaded all awkward with things falling over in it and the female adult has already screamed as things fell on her.  Nothing heavy mind you but still enough to frighten anyone that is unsuspecting.  They decided to add on a car carrier and loaded up the pickup onto the carrier first before loading the moving truck.  Well that was really smart.

Hmm...wonders if they thought about backing the Penske up into the driveway with the garage door open and loading stuff in that way rather than crossing the street for every box and mattress?

I think one of them is sharing the single brain cell.  Perhaps their two year old has it today because he seems to be enjoying the moving sport.

Three days now the truck has been there.  The idea of a DITY move is to pack up the household before you get the truck there so you can save on the daily rental fees.  I've done enough DITY moves and I'm getting too old to do any more with my bad back.  Maybe if I were twenty years younger I'd think about it but not now.

Mind you my neighbor is now 22,  married just three years with a child that is 27 months old.  Lucky wench got pregnant right after her husband got back from his deployment.  I went to her baby shower as she gave me an invite and a listing of her registry.   Sniffs...would have been nice if she would have sent out or hand delivered a thank you card for the gifts I gave her.

Hoping that who ever moves in is quiet, clean, neighborly. 

  Who remembers Bewitched?

Choices For Today

1) take a shower and do nothing else since the shower will exhaust me.  or
2) take a sink bath and do laundry.

I chose option #2 since I want some clean clothing.

I slept until 1000 hrs again today.  So tired.  Whatever sinus issue I have can back to hell where it came from since I am sick to death of being sick from it.

In symptom news:

NOTHING
Absolutely fricken nothing!  Not even sore breasts now.  So obviously the HCG shot is totally gone from my system.

I discussed with J testing.  He and I both agreed to wait until the specified time of 15 past IUI are up to test.  In my case, since I have endometriosis, there is little harm to me to be on progesterone for the full 15 days.  As a matter of fact will lessen some of the symptoms of the endometriosis if I am lucky.  So I won't be testing until at least the first of January if not the 2nd.

Hope everyone thinks this is a good idea.  I'm sure my doctors do since they are the ones that told me to do so in the first place.

So I've Been Sick

...is that any different from most days?

Wonderful side effects of progesterone are getting a bit better if I sip ginger ale throughout the day.  Just one can helps immensely. 

My sore throat and swollen glands that the PCM wrote off has now gone into a sinus infection with a chest cold.  Gold Star for my doctor on that one.  Love the bloody green discharge from the nasal cavities and now coughing up green.  Doctor you need to update your medical knowledge.

Thankfully no fever.

I'm tired.  Don't know if it from the progesterone or being sick.

My lips have absolutely no color.  I mean they are as pale as my face without make up.  I sleep in for about 10 hours and still wake up exhausted.

But I did manage to cook turkey with gravy, mashed potatoes, crescent rolls, and a green bean casserole for Christmas dinner for J and I.  Yes I washed my hands with soap and water several times to make sure I wasn't going to spread germs.

Here are some photos from Christmas Eve with the cousins:

Why is it that so hard to get every one to smile and keep their eyes open for one photo?  K, J and J are in this one

J here with K in the back left.  Have I ever mentioned how big my husband's family is on J names?

J and J here wearing their Santa hats.  With J in the far back right near the map.

I guess that is good enough photo wise for now.  I have a lot more photos.








I think I like this Santa hat.  Maybe next year I'll get myself one.  Though it does seem to be a guy only thing at J's family as four men were wearing different Santa style hats.

5 DPIUI

Progesterone is the gift that keeps giving this holiday season.  My only hope is that I'll be needing it for the 10 weeks and not just the two week wait.

Symptoms as of last night:
Weight gain
Bloating
Vomiting...almost came out my nose last night
Breast Tenderness
Fatigue

Knock on wood, I haven't had a migraine this time around.  Mood swings yes, headaches no.

Government web link to side effect of Progesterone weight gain/loss
have my doubts this would be any better than the Endometrin I'm on right now.

4dpIUI

Well it is the fourth day past my last IUI.  All is well so far.

Last night the progesterone medicine made its presence known to my body in several ways.  1) the mess.  2) the nausea.  3) the breast tenderness.

Two cycles ago when I did an IUI with progesterone support I didn't get the second or third symptom, only the first and the migraines.  So far so good.

As a friend has said and all my doctors have told me, "there is no reason why you can't and won't get pregnant soon.  It is just a matter of time."  So J and I are being cautiously hopeful.

I am going to try to restrain from testing until Jan 1st as that will be 14 days past the IUI.  I was going to wait until 15 days past IUI but seriously who can wait that long.  J should be home on the 1st and I'd like to share the news, whatever  it will be, with him there.  Besides if it is positive I could leave a voice mail message with the clinic to do a blood test for the 2nd.

The hard part is going to be the waiting.  Tomorrow begins the implantation window which usually occurs days 5-9.

Wish us luck!
  These are so cute!

Last Dinner Of Autumn

For those of you from ICLW, Welcome!, I have a tab set up that you can view about my infertility journey and other tabs to enjoy as well.

Look who has come for dinner?  Did it smell my cooking?

Is it looking for mice?

No it seems to be looking away now.

Ah it is waiting.  This hawk has been feeding off the birds that visit my feeder every day.  Nothing I can do about it right?

How about some fowl weather pot pie?

The aroma  of freshly cooked bird pie is such a delight to the senses.

Left overs put aside.  And no I didn't use the hawk. I didn't touch the hawk.  I did make chicken pot pie last night for J and I.  He came home at lunch when I was boiling down the chicken and making the broth.  The smell was so good he said he had to leave the house it made him too hungry.  
Only enough for two people for lunch today out of the six servings this dish makes.  J ate 2.5 portions last night for dinner.  I too at a large portion but that is okay since I made it all from scratch and knew exactly what went into the recipe for sodium control.

I am excited to see that there is a hawk visiting our yard.  I'd rather not find mice in the house and if it wants to go for them I'm cool with that.  Wish it didn't eat the little birds too but well I'd be a hypocrite because I ate bird, albeit chicken, last night too.
What a pretty pie dish!

Cookie Day

These are the cookies I made up yesterday for J to take to work today.

Oreo cookies covered in vanilla candy melts.  Easy to do but yes it is time consuming.  Would probably have been even more time consuming if I had used the decorator bags to pip the candy into the molds.  I did try on just two cookies to spoon the different color in place but it bled out.  You can see the two cookies in the back that I tried it out on.  Really I don't think the soldiers are going to care what they look like but only how they taste.

In other news, for the past three days I've been making pineapple smoothies.  I found that I really don't like the one with the frozen banana in it at all.  It gives me indigestion.  Yesterday I made pineapple and blueberry smoothie which wasn't bad.  Today it was pineapple and blackberry smoothie.  I make enough for two servings so that I get my serving in every morning and J can have his serving, I stick it in the freezer, as more of a frozen fruit ice in the evening.

My smoothie recipe:

1 cup of frozen fruit
3 ice cubes
1 TBSP honey; more or less for sweetness
3 pineapple rings
1 cup almond milk or low fat milk

Puree' in blender and serve in a glass.



I bought a large package of Oreo double stuff for the above cookies.

In The Meadow We Can Build A Snowman

I realize it is lopsided but I did tell J to stop shoving it my way.  We built a snowman together.  I started the mid section myself and he finished it.  We lifted the mid section together and mounted it on the bottom.  I made the head. 

Why pointed?

Sorry if it is blurry, it was windy last night.

The snowman is wearing a hoodie like my husband so they both have pointed heads.

J never asked why the point on the head.

We had a snowball fight before starting on the snowman.  Just couldn't help ourselves.  Last year we had a lot more snow by now and I wasn't allowed outside because J was afraid I'd get hurt.  Ugh!  Just because I had an IUI yesterday doesn't mean I'm going to stop living life.  Exercise is good for me.

Today, after I get done with the laundry, I'm going to start making cookies.  Since his brigade is home now and not everyone is on leave yet I'm making cookies to say "thank you" to the soldiers.  I used to make cookies for them before they deployed too.

Yay! SNOW

I woke up to this.  Last night it snowed only a little.  I love snow.  Hoping we get a bit more this week so I can make a snowperson.

Still no word on J being able to re-enlist.  He did find out why his down range SFC said no to recommending his re-enlistment.  One reason was me.  Yes, really it was me.  Why?  Well he said that I had too many doctor appointments.  Okay so yes I'm very sorry I'm infertile but I do need my husband there for the appointments where he had to provide his specimen.  Excuse me for wanting to start a family.  They can't legally use this against him in the context of my infertility but they can say that my health is an issue and he is a liability because of it.  I don't request that J take me to my appointments except for the infertility ones and I've gone to quite a few of those alone too.  He wasn't around for the SIS or many of my ultrasounds.  So much for the Army being progressive.  I have requested use of the family car for my appointments and his bosses get pissy that I need the car for appointments.  Well sorry as far as I know there is nothing in his contract saying he has to have a car or a cell phone for that matter but the Army gets mighty pissy when the cell phone is shut off or out of range.  He only has to have a contact number, mainly a home phone, for them to reach him.

Today I have the IUI.  J had to explain to them it was a procedure that he had to be there for.  Well he damn well better be there for his part.  I'm sorry but I'm not letting just anyone be my baby's father!

Triggering Today

Today was my ultrasound appointment.  I really don't know exactly where I am in my cycle because last cycle was so screwed up.  I haven't been using OPKs, not that I don't have plenty on hand, but I just didn't use them this cycle.

Captain H is a new doctor at the clinic.  Really nice man so far.  He was gentle with the probing though he did have a hard time finding my ovaries.  Most new doctors do have a difficult time finding them the first probe.

My uterine stripe is 12.8, really thick.

Right ovary has a 5.5 mm follicle

Left ovary has a 29 mm follicle

I gave myself the trigger shot as soon as I got home from the clinic.  I asked J if he wanted to do it this time since it has been a while and he said no.  I told him he has to at least watch.  He did but it still bothered him.  Honestly I didn't even feel the injection.  Yes, I'm that good at giving injections!

I have to say that last cycle I didn't eat coconut or use coconut oil but I did this cycle.  I've noticed that when I use coconut products in my daily dietary intake I have better follicle output.  Coincidence?

Remember this again is a natural cycle.  They don't give me stims any longer because I develop cysts.  Captain H, though I though 29 mm was a bad number, thought it was really good and I should trigger today with an IUI tomorrow.

SRM will hopefully be calling me before 1400 hrs to schedule the IUI.  J has an all day class tomorrow so for us first thing in the morning would be best.  Hopefully we'll get a really early time.

Three days after IUI I am to start the progesterone support as ordered.  I didn't even have to ask for it this time.

Last evening J and I were discussing foster to adopt.  I was telling him how adopting and older child might be the thing for us.  Often the older children are harder to place and would love a home just as much as the newborns.  He thought it was a wonderful idea.  I even suggested adopting every couple of years through the foster system of which he again liked the idea.

One way or another we'll have our family.

Why?

I just want to know why?

Why are the wrong people ending up with guns?

I have to go through a check to get a gun. 

I had to get finger printed and obtain a permit to carry.

 I make damn well sure that my firearms are locked up with the ammunition stored away from the firearms.

Removing the right to bear arms won't solve anything.  Violence is still going to happen.

I'm sure some psychologist will explain away why the man did what he did to those young children but it still won't make sense to the majority of the population. 

I'm sure his mother loved more than just those children she taught.  She obviously loved her son too since he was living with her.  She didn't have to let him live with her.  She could have turned him out of her house since he was an adult.  No, I do think she must have loved him and just couldn't feel it.

So sad.

Still on the Bench

J and I are still waiting for an answer.  No news is good news right?  Well not for stress it isn't.

We are hoping to have an answer by the end of today or at the latest early next week.  Half days will be starting at most offices on the installation soon.  If J is going to be able to re-enlist they'll need to get this approval from the colonel soon.

In sad news, a friend of J's family died recently.  J's mom emailed him about the death.  I haven't seen him so sad in a long time.  May Col. Q. rest in peace.

My labs came back from the draw yesterday.  All is fine.  No numbers were given to me.  I really didn't think I was deficient to need support since I do take vitamins daily.  Now to figure out why I'm still sick.

J told me that maybe I need to file an ICE complaint about my doctor.  Honestly I had forgotten about that option.  I'd rather not have to report my doctor for anything but his general knowledge is lacking.  He is the same doctor that won't prescribe narcotics and refused me any before my laproscopic surgery back in June.  Many of you will remember how much pain I was in back then.  This is the same doctor that has misdiagnosed me on a few visits too and refused to put in referrals to specialists too.  If we didn't have such a shortage of available doctors for dependents at my clinic I would actively seek out switching in a heart beat.  It could take months for me to get a new doctor, not a PA or NP either since with my medical issues I need an MD, D.O. or what have you.

I hope that everyone has a good weekend.

More of the Same

I'm exhausted. 

I went to the doctor's office today.  My PCM looked down my throat and said it was fine.  Is he going blind or am I stupid?

My glands are swollen, my throat is red and my tonsil are sticking out.

He offered to do a culture if I thought I needed it.  I don't have a fever so I said no since I know I'm not infectious.  He offered me the Isolep solution again.  Gag No Thanks!

So I guess it isn't just my RE office that is suffering the budget cuts but my PCM office that is being tortured with budget cuts too.  I say this because I told the doctor that I've had this problem since September and he thinks I'm fine.  Okay, sure.

He did order blood work for the fatigue.  Vit B 12 and follate.  I'm thinking that yes I might be a bit low on the B 12 but still in the normal range.

My PCM also didn't like the long list of problems I have.  By problems I mean diagnoses by other doctors and started eliminating them on the computer from my records.  I had to stop him.  He heard in my voice that I was getting angry, especially when he tried to take out my infertility diagnoses.  I mean I wish I didn't have it but taking it off my records won't change that fact considering I am still actively trying to conceive!

Why are they instituting such budget cuts that I end up with crack pot doctors?

In Darkness there is Light and Hope

My living room lit only by the tree.

This year I know will be my last Christmas while trying to conceive.  We are wrapping things up.  It isn't that we don't have hope but that we are realizing that it isn't just the age of my eggs, even if they are still plentiful and good quality, it is the zona pellucida that has thickened making penetration by the sperm difficult and add in a hostile uterus.

We've created babies together.  We've lost them together.  Our marriage is still intact though wounded.  Come April we'll be deciding what our next step is together.

I'll be hoping for lighter, brighter time together without having timed intercourse.  Without worrying if we can afford another treatment.  Without the stress and limitations I think our marriage will once again blossom.

In 2000 I remember while visiting my parents, my neighbor brought over her granddaughter and daughter.  I was to be very happy for her, the daughter that was always a bully.  The grandmother said to me I'll have one someday too.  I told her I'll never get pregnant again.  Well I did get pregnant again, and again, and again, but I've never to have had that chance to hold my own baby.  I wonder if I didn't have endometriosis if I would have been able to do donor eggs?

Now I just hope for a miracle that my endometriosis doesn't get worse.  I hope for better times.  I hope that all my infertile friends will find a way to become parents.

My true hope if for all of you out there.  I hope that you find joy and peace this holiday season no matter where you are on your life paths.

Pool Therapy and Cycle Update

Today I'll be walking in water.  I had to put it off last week due to the endometriosis putting me on full pelvic rest.  I'm no longer bleeding but I'm still having pelvic pain.

It is CD5 and I'm already getting the EWCM, what the heck is going on?  The cramping is bilateral too.  I think my cycle is seriously mucked up.  Maybe I didn't start 5 days ago and instead I should have counted on the 16th day when I had the first break through bleeding?  If so that would put me at closer to CD 10 and would make a lot more sense for the EWCM and cramping.

God, if this is some cruel joke you can stop now.  I know I'm getting rather old to be still trying but you blessed many a woman that is older than I with a perfectly healthy baby.
This year I placed my four glass angels on the tree and added the gold one I had in the box too.  Can you believe I've lost five babies?  Sometimes there are just no words to express the loss we feel.

Married To The Army

Of late I've been able to catch on demand a few episodes of a new show on OWN called Married To The Army Alaska.  Not sure if any of my followers watch this show but I highly recommend it if you like the Army Wives drama.  The show on OWN is more realistic than the drama on Lifetime network.

There are days, heck weeks, where I feel like my husband is married to the army and not to me.  This past weekend was just one of those many times.  I'm not complaining mind you but just telling you like it is.  I'm used to putting our marriage last to his job.  I'm used to having to cancel well made plans at the last minute.  We will find time to be together.

What I am going to complain about is that J is still waiting on a final decision.  Yes, the "Hail Mary" that we've been waiting for.  He'll know this week.  This word will be the final decision.  Meanwhile J is working and going to ACAPP.  He is doing everything he can to please everyone involved in this process.

I honestly can't wait for this decision to be final.  I can't take much more of the stress.

CD 4 and I'm having bilateral pelvic pain.  Rather soon for follicles to be causing pain.  J and I are remaining hopeful that soon we'll catch an egg.  So many things in our lives our now on the last chance.  We had to put off creating a family while he was deployed, though I do know of some that have continued to try while their husbands were away it just wasn't for us as we didn't have that option back then.

http://www.oprah.com/own-married-to-the-army-alaska/Episode-4-Someone-Has-To-Go

if you want to watch the show I mentioned above.

CD 1

I started this morning.  I rather knew from the ultrasound that this cycle was going to be a bust when even my doctor had no confidence.

I called my clinic and left a message with them to try to schedule a mid cycle ultrasound.  This means if all goes well I'll be ovulating a few days before Christmas.

In other news, a friend offered me a rare gift today.  I met this particular woman while in college.  She is married to one of my husband's friends, again from college.  She and her husband are lucky enough to have three sons.

The gift she offered me was precious.  She, from what she said, has been talking with her husband for a while about what J and I are dealing with in infertility.  She is willing to be the donor and surrogate for J and I.

Now the only problem is that she lives clear across the country.  J doesn't yet know about the offer.  You can bet I'll be talking about it with him tonight.

It is something we'll need to talk about for a while too.


With my stage III endometriosis the chances of me being able to donor eggs and having a baby as a final outcome and not another miscarriage are slim.  I realize that if I do have my friend do all this for me that my insurance won't cover any of it and I'll be paying out-of-pocket.  More to think of.  I can't put us into further debt for my wants and needs.

I can still hope for a miracle.  I don't deserve any more than the next person.

Lit Up

Well the lights are up for what we planned on putting up this our last Christmas at our house on post.  I'm going to miss this two bedroom house.  I'm not one that likes apartment living and I'm afraid that is what we'll be heading into after J leaves the service.  Nothing against living with family but I'd rather have our own place even if it is a really small apartment.

Today is CD21.  I was put on full pelvic rest yesterday.  CD 16 I started to bleed.  I won't be taking the progesterone this cycle.  No sense since most likely this cycle is a bust.  The heavy bleeding only occurs when I lift, squat, strain or stand for too long.  I guess that is why I'm on pelvic rest.  Rather hard to do with workmen in the house fixing things.

I had to remove boxes and clothing from the closet today.  J knew they'd be coming by but his mind is so focused on finding a new job he doesn't think about domestic issues and helping me out.  I'm also doing two loads of laundry.

Don't worry if the bleeding gets worse than brown today I'll be sure to put my feet up declare a strike on housework really quick.

Yes it is possible that I had another follicle or cyst hiding behind my uterus.  I had one that was found during my pelvic surgery in July.  I had a really awful ripping sensation over the weekend like something tore on the left side where I was getting the pain but where the doctor saw nothing in the ultrasound.

I did ovulate.  However, the chances of a embryo implanting with such a hostile environment right now are really slim.  If it tried to implant it would disengage with the uterine lining that is trying to slip away.   I'm due for a new cycle in about 5-7 days.  We'll see if I start on time.

I plan on finishing up the Christmas shopping for J this weekend.  I'll be careful to not exhaust myself too much.  If there is pain I will stop.
This book looks pretty intersting.  I wonder if a workbook would actually help me get pregnant.  If so how do I use it?  Do I tear it up, process it for injection or do I just try to insert it in my V?

Split Top Chicken Pot Pie

This is actually my own recipe I created from various sources:

1 cup frozen peas
4 cups chicken, cooked and diced
8 ounces mushrooms, sliced and pan cooked
1 packet chicken broth sodium free
1/4 tsp. black pepper
1/4 tsp.  Thyme
1/3 C. butter
1/3 C.  flour
2 3/4 C. milk

Brown mushrooms in a large non stick skillet.  Add in chicken and peas and put to the side for later mixing with the sauce.

Grease, I use spray oil, a 9 x 13 inch glass baking dish.

In a large sauce pan melt butter then add in flour until well mixed.  Slowly pour in milk making sure to break up any lumps from the flour and butter mixture.  Add in packet of chicken broth, Thyme, and pepper.  Cook over medium heat until sauce is thickened.  Add to the large skillet and mix well into the other ingredients.  Pour into greased baking dish.

Pre heat Oven to 350 F.

1/8 C. of vegetable shortening
1/2 C. milk
1 C. flour
1/2 tsp salt, I use celtic sea salt which I have to grind
1 1/2 tsp. baking powder

Mix together in a large bowl the flour, salt, and baking powder.  Add in the vegetable shortening by cutting it in with a fork or pastry device.  With a spoon stir in the milk until a dough is formed.

Drop teaspoon sized dough balls onto top of chicken mixture in the baking dish.

Cover with foil wrap and bake for 30 minutes at 350 F.

Uncover and raise oven temperature to 450 baking for 15 minutes more until the dough is golden brown.

We couldn't wait to get into the pot pie so I forgot take a photo before serving.

Reheats quite well.


Tonight I'll be making Lasagna from one of my own favorite recipes too.





Think I'd like to read this particular cook book to find out if there are dishes I'd like to make.  Does anyone have a copy of it?  Can you recommend it?

The Book I Couldn't Finish

I love to read.  If there was a book that became a movie that I wanted to read I would sometimes see the movie first and later read the book, much later.  For some time now I've been trying to read Oldest Living Confederate Widow Tells All by Allan Gurganus but I just can't get past the first eighty pages.

I've watched the movie on television and delighted in it quite a bit however, the book moves so much slower and jumps around quite a bit.  The book invariably ends up back on my to-read list never to be finished.

I'll call this book my mountain.  It is 875 pages in length in the soft cover edition I have in my mitts.  I've read longer books that were more stimulating.

If you enjoy the writings of Mark Twain you'll most likely enjoy reading this particular novel.  Currently I am reading a book by Mark Twain and am again having difficulty getting into the book.  Perhaps it is the writing style that I don't enjoy.
Another book by Allan Gurganus I've yet to read nor purchase.

Celebrating the Holidays

We put our manger up early last week and J's mom send us the wise men for the creche this year.  Last year she sent the manger, holy family, shepard with flock and angel.

The paper chains and Kirigami snowflakes are slowly going up.  The snowflakes in the living room are of various colors on one side and white on the other.  I've been making them over this past year.

This year's Advent wreath.  I bought a brass frame with candle holders built into it along with the appropriate candles from a local Catholic book store.  J cut branches off the rosemary from my garden and wired it to the wreath.  Every night through Christmas we'll be lighting the wreath.  One purple candle (the candle of Hope) for the first week of Advent, two for the second (the candle of Peace) and on the third Sunday we light the pink candle which is known as Gaudete the Shepard's candle representing Joy .  The final purple candle represents the message of the Angels : “Peace on Earth, Good Will Toward Men.”

Even J is decorated for the holidays.  I bought him a Santa-style hat which has antlers.  He wears it quite often.  This photo was taken at his cousin's house recently.

 For the last three years J and I have enlisted the aid of his cousin's children in decorating the main window in his cousin's house where we get together at each year.  I think it turned out quite well this year.

kind of cute but I'd rather have this:

http://www.christmasvacationcollectibles.com/productDetails.cfm?merchID=100623134433905249&category=100430112032173163&position=1

CD 15 A Little Darker

Today my OPK was a bit darker but still not as dark as it should be.  Maybe tomorrow?

I'm not trying to be depressing but I am realizing that even if I manage to get pregnant this cycle the odds are against me.  Even without having Stage III Endometriosis I have only a 50% chance of carrying to the 20th week.  I've explained all this to J.    To be honest I think my best bet would be not only an egg donor but a surrogate too.

On that train of thought, I know it's bad, but wouldn't it just be easier for my husband to have a fling at this point?  He would still have a child of his own.  I'm not trying to be depressing but haven't most of us just thought about this just once?

If I had a young cousin that didn't mind doing an IUI it would be great but the fact is that I don't have any young cousins.  All are either too old or too young.  My husband has cousins that are the right age but um, I think we'd have to worry about the genetics since it would be his cousins unless it is a cousin far enough out but then again I highly doubt any would volunteer to do something like this for us.  Pregnancy takes a lot out of a woman.  I had a friend volunteer her eggs two years back but her BMI puts her way above the allowable limits to make it safe for her.  Plus now she is over 35 herself.

But I can dream that I'll get pregnant this cycle, stay pregnant long enough to have a viable birthing and a child to pass on the: DNA, dreams, hopes,  and learning too?

Come April J will have to pay out of pocket to keep Tricare coverage for both of us.  Before it was more simple.  J was fully covered by his job.  We are learning just how hard this is going to be for transitioning.  I really hope he finds a good job before he leaves the service though he isn't allowed to start working for them until I think they stated 30 days after he leaves the service.

I too need to start looking for work. J will still have two years of reserves he has to fulfill but that won't pay the bills.  So I guess the only thing that I won't have to change is the name of my blog for two more years.  LOL

CD 14

CD 14 and still no dark second line.  I was hoping to do an IUI with trigger shot by now.  But my doctor decided otherwise.  To him a 16 mm follicle isn't mature enough and with the budget cuts to our clinic they can't have me come in again this week for another monitoring appointment.

I'm hoping that maybe tomorrow I'll get the dark second line.  Until then it is baby dance every other day as most of us that are trying to conceive will do.

I have a nice stress rash behind and above both of my ears.  The patch of stress rash that is on my abdomen has now returned to flesh tone but is still raised.  Mind you I've had a stress rash before.  When J decided to enlist in the Army I broke out in a nice rash on various parts of my body.  After all it is war time and was so back then, I was afraid of him getting hurt or worse.

However, I can't take the necessary medicine for the problem.  No it isn't because my clinic doesn't know,  of which they most likely wouldn't care since it is an OTC drug that works but it is because I can't take the steroid cream that I will suffer.  Those trying to conceive know quite well that steroid usage while trying is limited to a only upon death bed do you get to use it.

I can't wear my spectacles.  I'm wearing my contact lenses.  I have a sample pack of the 1 day lenses and I'm not liking them.  I'm thinking this weekend I'll put in an order for the two week ones I normally use.  I haven't purchased contact lenses in over two years.  Just never have a reason to wear them all that much until the rash.

My stress level is up enough that again last night I had the PTSD nightmares.

Written Off Part 2

This morning my RE clinic called waking me from PTSD dreams.  I'm thankful for that at least.  I finally have a few answers.

J and I weren't imagining it yesterday when it seemed as though Dr. C. was overly concerned with the costs of my care.  Our insurance is doing cut backs.  The pharmaceutical companies are no longer donating extra medicines to our hospital.  Tricare is trying to disallow anyone under the age of 65 from using it as their primary insurance coverage, which means we'll be forced to buy into another insurance program soon, and if you are using Tricare then when you need a prescription that the hospital pharmacy doesn't have you are going to pay out big.  The formulary costs are now going to be raised to a modest $14 co-pay but the non-formulary are going up to $44 per script some time next year.  So far this is just proposed but each time a hike in our co-pays has been proposed it has been passed.

My infertility clinic here has had most of their funding cut because of the government budget cuts.  No wonder their score has dropped to a 41 out of 100.

• In Vitro Fertilization (IVF)
• Gamete Intra fallopian Transfer (GIFT)
• Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI)
• Embryo Cryopreservation
• Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET)
• Intrauterine Insemination (IUI)
• Blastocyst Transfer
• Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD)    

On 17 Apr of 2009 the above services were still available but not now.  http://www.mamc.amedd.army.mil/obgyn/Reproductive_Endocrinology.htm    When I first got to Lewis IUIs were still done at the clinic or so I was told.  But when they did renovations that was dropped from their list to no longer be added back.  If I need an IUI I have to go to Seattle Reproductive Medicine.

Nurse S said that they will no longer be doing P4, E2, FSH, LH or any other blood draws because of cut backs except for betas on me monthly.  I had requested a CD3 for next cycle but they can't afford it.

Nurse S told me that they will be able to continue to help me get pregnant through natural cycles and TI.  Well um, do I really need them then?  What are they going to be able to offer me?

This isn't  my only clinic that has cut back on their services.  I can't get appointments with rheumatology,  neurology, or  pain management within my hosptial.  Actually I can get pain management outside of the hosptial if I don't mind driving 1.5 hours to get to the place that they offered me.  But rheumatology and neurology services don't exist for me now with the budget cuts.  When I first moved here I was due to see a neurologist because of a car accident I had been in two months prior.  I got denied by my insurance for treatment.  I was however able to get an MRI within a week of my doctor requesting one and at the MRI clinic on post next to the hospital.  Now I have to wait for a denial letter from MAMC Tricare and a call from an imaging place off the installation to get an MRI.  Mind you the nerve damage in my back and neck is not getting better and I'm dropping things more often.

Still Tricare is better than no insurance.  Soon I won't have insurance when J no longer has his job.  Congress has really tied the military's hands.  We aren't getting the  medical treatments for our soldiers that they desperately need even with taking away benefits from the family members.

Congress isn't opting to take a pay cut but they are saying our military is overpaid in comparison to the civilian sector.  Hmmm, $25,000.00 a year for the average E-4 is too much?  I beg to differ.

Back in the 1990's- early 2000 I would have received my dental care, though I was paying for the insurance for it, through the dental clinics on the installation.  Now they only treat the soldiers.  I go outside the fence for dental care and the costs out of pocket are crazy expensive even with my insurance.

I'm beginning to think that if the military went back to using its own clinics we might have less available appointment but a better use of our funding.  When we go outside the fence for medical care we pay extra.  It's like paying contractors to do the same jobs that the military is capable of handling.  But we are paying more out of our budget to support the local economy.

My husband explained it to me the other day.  When his office runs out of the paper and ink supplies they need to create imagery they aren't allowed to go to the Express Supply on post which is run by the government for the government workers, instead they have to go outside the fence and support the local economy which does cost more.  But they have rules they have to follow.  Nothing like tying the hands the military with more stipulations.

Hope that this long post helps unravel the confusion.  I'm thinking it won't but I tried.

Written Off

A post of venting about my RE clinic.

I know how old I am and I know quite well how old my eggs are too, thank you for telling me yet again.  However do you really think that I don't have much of a chance of getting pregnant considering the fact that I have in the past four times gotten pregnant, the last being earlier this year?

I ovulate on my own.  I'm not telling you I need fertility drugs to get pregnant.  What I'm asking you for is medication to ensure that I stay pregnant once the embryo implants.  I have endometriosis, I know what can happen full well after losing five babies.

Please don't go into telling how much the cost of the Endometrin is since I know quite well it is expensive but my insurance covers it fully and you aren't the one that would have to pay for the medicine.  Why you even suggested and decided to ignore my request and prescribe me the prometrium instead is beyond me.  Thank you doctor for being inconsiderate.  Now I have to find my way up my vaginal canal with two fingers and insert the capsule myself.  Just the very reason why I don't use non-applicator tampons, it hurts!

Thanks a lot for not coming back to my exam room with the semen analysis results.  I really appreciate you not wanting to remove your colleague, who was just chatting with you in the office, so that we could have some privacy for the result.  Giving me the results in the hallway was so professional.

It wasn't enough to insult my intelligence by reminding how old I am but now you decide that just because I have one 16 mm follicle on the right ovary, after you didn't search very hard for the left ovary even though you know it likes to develop cysts that hide behind my bladder, that you won't prescribe a trigger shot this cycle.  Again you deem it not necessary and expensive.  My insurance fully covers the trigger shot too.

IUI would be a waste of my time and money you said since at this point you told me it wouldn't matter.  So you are not saying but left unsaid that you already believe that this cycle is a bust?  Hey doc I hate to remind you but for a gal my age to still ovulate on my own is quite an achievement.  So what if I didn't produce follicles on both ovaries this cycle I did it for two cycles in a row without medication.  I think I'm allowed a slow cycle.  Oh and thanks for not wanting to order a beta in 14 days and telling me to go home and do OPKS.  You want me to use the expensive smiley face ones that aren't covered by insurance well actually none of them are covered.

I asked you when you thought I might ovulate and you had no clue.  I asked what if it happens on Saturday when you are closed.  You just tell me to call SRM and schedule an IUI if I still want one though you don't think it is necessary.

I feel so loved.  End of rant.

I notified Nurse M that I'd like a beta draw 14 days from Saturday.  She wrote it down on a scrap of paper.  Hopefully she'll put it into the computer.  I realize that I'll either have to get it done on the Friday before or wait until Monday.  I'll be testing with HPTs at home.

It is like they just wrote me off.  I really can't wait for Lt.Col.B. to get back.  Even before Dr.C. examined me I told him that I've been getting a lot of pain on the left side.  He ignored me so I didn't bother to tell him that it is hurting after I pee again because he would probably order a urine test to check for a bladder infection of which I don't have.  I've had two of those before.  I won't forget those symptoms.  This feels more like Endo pain.

So this cycle is a bust.  I'll not be celebrating the holidays with at BFP.  My doctor has no faith what so ever in my ovaries and uterus but they won't come out with testing that I need for a possible solution as to why I could be losing pregnancies except to blame it on Endo.  If you blame it on endometriosis you get written off.  I hit the magic number of 42 last year and they started to ignore me then.

Douglas Adams had it right with 42.
I have the question for his answer of 42.

At what age are you written off by the RE?

42!

Forgot to mention it is CD12 and my endometrial stripe is already 9.1, nice and plush!

Walking In Water

0730 hrs I had my schedule appointment with my doctor of physical therapy.  J was able to go with me to the appointment.  First time he has been with me to an appointment in several months.  I swear we had to beg time for the IUI.  Can't really do it without him, or could I?

Physical therapy has been changed for me.  No longer will I be doing weight bearing exercises.  I guess from the physical exam today my foot has gotten worse.  I told Dr.A-Z.  about the low D3.  She was very concerned.

I'm to start pool therapy next week.  I could have started tomorrow but I'll hopefully be doing an IUI sometime later this week.  Tomorrow is my ultrasound.

On the ovary front: I've been getting twinges of pain from both sides.  Hoping that that both ovaries are again wanting to produce on this non-medicated cycle.

Not sure how water aerobics will affect my cycles.  It has been four years since I've done this particular exercise.
I actually remember using this type of belt last time I did water aerobics.

Wedding Day

Just a short note.  J and I are off to be with family again today.  There is a wedding today. 

If I remember to take a camera along, ever forgetful, I'll post some photos.  J brought his camera along for Thanksgiving and took not one photo.

Hope every one has a pleasant Saturday.

A Journey Of Thanks

Twist, turn, left then back right.  The narrow black top curved back upon itself before we reached the destination we had in store.  Upon the winding road a once bubbling stream has swelled over its banks. Rushing noises seeping through the car's windows.  To the left a small waterfall that was almost dried up this summer now pounds the rocks below.  Ferns so green they glistened like emerald dew drops in the morning's mist ribbon the winding road on either side.

Crunch, skitter, creek the car came to halt on the the crushed stone driveway.  We are here at last.  Alighting from the car I tell J that I'll make sure the cat stays away from where J is trying to back into a spot.  Poor Benny, poor, poor Benny.  He is loved to death by the end of the day and looking for a hiding spot from all these strangers.

Oh no, Lucky!  Lucky, a black Labrador retriever is a Hurricane Katrina survivor.  I've forgotten about how he doesn't take to men in hats.  The red velvet, white faux fur trimmed cap with the antlers is too much for the dog.  He growls at J.  Getting down on knees in front of Lucky I reassure him that it is only us.  Later J and the dog are playing wildly with Lucky's toys.

J parks the car and we unpack the many boxes and bags to take into the house.  I've begun the ritualistic cleaning out of excess from our house that I do every time we get ready to move.  This trip only one box of  books will be given away.  Next box is the pie I slaved over.  Finally the last packages are in the house.

The family is gathered in the kitchen.  The smells of garlic turkey, and pies pervade the air.  We bow our heads while D says a prayer.  Aunt J states that there will be no throwing of the green beans this year since they are cooked in bacon.  Pleasant memories of holidays past wind through my mind with the thought of the inevitable food fight that ensue shortly after the food has hit the plates.  I can testify  with no guilt that I did not throw food this year.  I've been good for the past two years.

The night wound down with a Nerf gun fight amongst the men of the clan, professional photos (I am camera shy and declined), and desserts for those that wanted some.

Finding a bit of solace with dog on the settee I gather my thoughts.  Where did the years go?  This was our last Thanksgiving with this kin.  Next year I have no clue where we will be or with who we'll be sharing the holidays.  With not a few tears in my eyes I close them and give thanks for family.

Kill The Pumpkin and ICLW

Ride of the Valkyries to the wording of kill the rabbit by Elmer Fudd is going through my mind except Elmer Fudd is singing Kill the Pumpkin in places.  The small pumpkin saw its last days a whole fruit yesterday.

I cooked the pumpkin down, made my own pie shell and baked the beast.  Here are the recipes I used:

From a 1951 copy of Meta Given's Modern Encyclopedia of Cooking vol.2.

Cooking Fresh Pumpkin.  5 lb pumpkin equals a No.2 can of pumpkin meat.  I sliced the pumpkin in half and greased the cut sides of the pumpkin, not removing seeds.  Placing it in a preheated 400 degree F. oven for 50 minutes.    After baking I scooped out the seeds and stringy matter setting it aside.  Into the food mill ( that sieve thing with the wooden bat) went the rest of the pumpkin meat minus the skins.  After a half hour of working it out into the bowl with the orange stuff in it I was ready for the next step.  Oh I had made the pie crust from scratch while the pumpkin was baking mind you and I chilled it too.  Really easy crust using shortening, water, flour and salt.

1 3/4 cups fresh cooked pumpkin puree
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ginger
2 eggs
1 cup cream
1/2 cup milk
First cook down the pumpkin until it thickens which takes about 10 minutes.  Remove from heat and add in the remaining ingredients stirring with a whisk rapidly.  It forms a custard.  Pour immediately into the chilled pie shell and bake in a preheated 400 degree F oven for  35-40 minutes.  Cool for 1.5 hours on a rack.

I decided to make enough for two pies.  One of which I'll take to a party tomorrow.  The other my husband and I got into last night.  The above is for Thanksgiving.

The one in the dark pan to the right is the one I made specially for J.  I made a crushed ginger snap crust for that one.  Mind you he loved it.  He brought some of it into work today to share with his SSG.


Oh and I should tell all of you that I have never on my own made a pumpkin pie from a Pie Pumpkin before.  I've had help as a child making one but this is my first so I was very pleased that it came out so good.

For the ICLW crowd it is CD6.  I'll hopefully be doing an IUI next week.  Ultrasound is on the 27th to see how many follicles in a natural cycle I have going on.  Pelvic region is really achy today and I called off my physical therapy session.