Dining Table Restoration Complete

I can't complain we didn't pay a dime, except for gas to truck it, for the table and hutch we have had for almost six years.
Here is a photo of it chemically stripped. It was a gift.  It had to be restored.

I started chemically stripping the table when J was in Iraq.  Since the sander is one of his tools he wanted to do all the sanding.  Be my guest.  You can see the hutch behind him. Unfortunately this had to be an indoor project as I just wasn't going to take the legs off the table and haul it out to the patio every day and back in at night.  The table had water stains on it from the plants the lady kept on the table.

I stained the table.  J wiped it off.  It really was a project we both worked on together.

This table is from the late 1960's back when large families and large gatherings were popular.  I think that the table measures abt. 120 " when fully open with all 3 leaves.

J and I both worked on the clear coat together too.  Here of course is a photo of J doing some of the clear coat.

This is the finished table.  Okay this is a photo I took before I put the two coats of wax on the table.   But it looks way better than it did when we got it.  In the far left you can see the three table leaves leaning against the wall.  Yes, they too will eventually get stripped along with the chairs.  Two years ago I did re-upholster the chairs and they look beautiful.  We received the dining room set with only five chairs so I do have one mismatched chair in the back.

Oh and the table is made of Walnut with a light red oak stain over it.  I mean light as I barely let the stain penetrate before I was having J wipe it back off. 

Even though I was in pain over the weekend, I ended up taking the oxycotin last night and early this morning, I still managed to get one project finished with my husband.  Funny how we bonded even more over a table and found that we can work well together.

Don't Ignore Your Own Strength

It is incredibly important that we realize that we can help fight the battle in our infertility journey.  If we let our guard down infertility will win.

I realize that my own infertility journey is shortly going to come to an end but I'm going to keep fighting my own battle until I reach menopause.  I'm counting on my own inner strength to get me through the worst of this as I learn what my body is doing to itself.

Today I woke up in more pain than yesterday.  I'm refusing to let the Endometriosis and Adenomyosis win today.  I'm up, washed, dressed, and I've eaten some snacks.  I'll eat more when I feel bit more able to later today.

I have things that need to get done.  Each day I'll make either a written list or a mental list of things that I want to accomplish.  These lists are what can actually distract me from the negative influence that being an infertile and dwelling on that particular issue can do to harm my psyche.

Today it was so far just helping out with the clear coat sealer on the dining room table.  Last week J and took upon us the task of striping, sanding and staining the dining room table.  I had started the stripping part and he finished it along with the sanding.  I got to do the staining last weekend.  This weekend that project will be finished and I'll have my dining room back.  If only I could tackle infertility problems the way we did that table.

However infertility struggles are much like the table.  First you have to identify the problem. Next you make a plan on how you are going to work to the end goal.  For us the goal is to have a child.  It might no longer be a child of my own DNA or of either of our DNA.  Much as I long for that genetic child my longing to just raise a child is stronger.  As my plans evolve the goals do to.  With the help of my spouse I find that even in my weakest moments I can still find the strength to go on.

I will find the strength to continue this infertility journey to the end whatever that end will bring.  We might not end up with a baby, or a child.  We might just learn to live our married life without children and find that okay too.

I'm glad that I have my network of blogger friends to lean on when I have questions and feel down.  Thanks for being there for me ladies.  You help give me the strength that I need in this fight.

Sometimes You Have To Let It Out

This morning I had just had enough.  I actually screamed out loud in the house.  No one was around but I'm sure the landscapers heard me and so did my spouse as he was pulling into the driveway.

J and I share the vehicle.  He brought me to my psychologist appointment this morning.  This was a bad week.

I vented to my therapist about how my doctors and my spouse just aren't listening to me.  J just blankly stares at me and treats me like I'm glass at times, its so annoying.  My RE doctors just don't care what I think it is or that I'm in pain, or at least it feels like that most visits.  I mean why aren't they doing something about my endometriosis?

I told my therapist about how I'm upset that I'm still not pregnant.  That I'm facing a ticking time bomb in my womb and should probably just give up now.

JD and I talked for the hour about my issues, how I'm taking care of my needs and a possible plan to make sure that I'm getting what I need from others.  I'm not sure how I'm going to make the doctors listen to me but I am going to make sure my spouse listens.

On the way home I just cried.  I'm so tired of fighting.  Why can't any of this just be easy?  Why are my doctors ignoring me?

I sort of have the results from the stomach biopsy, my doctor called and apologized for being so behind in his paperwork of which still hasn't been mailed to me.  I have a small gastric ulcer and my GERD is bad.  Well I knew that the GERD was bad and I kind of figured I had an ulcer months ago.  He asked if I was still in pain and I said yes on the left side just under the ribs.  He ordered an ultrasound of my gallbladder.  Okay I'll get it done but the gallbladder is mid-line in the abdomen.  Unless its created a gall stone that is blocking a duct in the pancreas I doubt its the gall bladder.  The pancreas is the only other thing on the left side besides the large intestine.  I'm thinking its more likely my large intestine but I'm not a doctor.  I have IBS and the large intestine gets irritated easily.  The pain radiates around to my back on just the left side.

Volunteer Luncheon

Today was the volunteer luncheon at JBLM.  My first that I have attended though I've been volunteering now for three years with this installation.

As soon as I walked in the door I felt out of place.  Not because of what I was wearing because I do know how to dress for these functions but because so many of the attendees were officer's wives with their spouses in tow.

Oh my I felt so alone.  Not one person did I know.  I found two large round tables off to the corner and took the one farther away from the corner.  I didn't want it to look as though I wanted to be alone.  Soon two major's approached me and asked if they could sit at my table.  They were without their spouses and not volunteers since they didn't stand when all volunteers were asked to.  I told them of course they could sit with me as I didn't want to be eating alone at such a large table.  Right after a woman named Kristi came by and asked if she could sit next to me and save seats for her husband and two friends.  No problem there as the table was still quite open.

K's husband, a full bird Col., sits down after introducing himself.  I forgot his first name and couldn't quite the hear the name of the two friends that Kristi had with her.  But we all started up friendly conversation.  I felt right at home shortly there after.

With two Majors and a Colonel at the table I know J would have felt rather uncomfortable and I'm not sure they would have been allowed to sit together because of ranks being mixed.  Its rather tricky with Army protocol.  Besides J is doing much more fun stuff today.  Today he is taking his road test on a STRYKER.  I'd rather be doing the same too since it sounds like so much fun.

I did feel a little odd when the question of how many children do I have was brought up.  I did say that we were still trying but alas I keep miscarrying.  Next question please.  So what installation did you meet your spouse at?  I didn't.  We met at a friend's wedding and realized after meeting that we both were attending the same college.  See I'm a most unusual Army wife: I have no kids, I volunteer even though my husband is lower enlisted, and I didn't meet him while he was in the service.  I was the novelty at the table once they found out that I like to go to the range for stress relief.  Oh and the fact that I also make blankets for wounded warriors. I'm an odd duck.  I make knit, crochet, sew, cook, shoot, bake, craft, volunteer and still some how have no kids.  Must be I need to volunteer for special undercover duty more often to get the kids?

I guess they'll be sending me my certificate of appreciation for volunteerism since I wasn't one of the spotlight people, yes there were nominees, receiving awards.  I loved meeting new people today, felt awkward but soon got over it and left with the feeling that I'm not volunteering enough.  I have no clue where these wonderful people find so much time to volunteer but I'm glad that they do find it because volunteers are always needed.

Don't Ignore People With Infertility

Please stop and think about what you say to someone you know is infertile.  Don't ignore their feelings.  We are people too.

September 7, 1996  I had just been released from the hospital after my first miscarriage.  I had to have a D&C.  I get home and change into pajamas and relax on one of my couches when I get a knock at the door.  My friend, another infertile, from across the street is at the door.  I let her in.  She tells me how sorry she is that I lost my baby. She has lost several herself.  She gives me a miniature rose plant.  I weep a bit over her kindness as my own family has ignored my pain and loss.  However, she does something that I would never do.  She tells me she is pregnant.  Okay really?  You know I just lost my babies at 10 weeks 6 days and here you are telling me that you are pregnant?  Why?  I didn't say anything mean to her.  I congratulated her and she left.  I had my little tantrum about how life is unfair after she left.

I'm not sure why people can be so insensitive to someone that just lost a baby but they can be.  I think it hurts even more when its someone that should know what I'm feeling.  A spouse, parent, sibling, friend, who knows about the infertility shouldn't ignore the situation or person when the infertile really needs them to be there for support.

Now to update all of you that don't know all that much about me.  I'm infertile that much is obvious from the above.  I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis, PCOS, Age related infertility (I'm 42), and a history of repeat miscarriages.

Often, because of pain I don't leave the house. 

Often, because of pain I can't do what everyone else can do. 

This doesn't mean I should be ignored.  It doesn't mean I am faking the pain either.  Infertility is not contagious.  If I'm sick and want to stay home it doesn't mean I should be ignored and treated as though I have a communicable disease.

Go educate yourself here: http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/
                                       http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

Big And Bigger

Well I don't have good news to report from my visit with the RE.  I am definitely not pregnant.  I am not in a new cycle either.  Actually Dr. C. has no real clue where I am in my cycle.  He said, "you are recruiting follicles and your E2 count was 145 Monday.  You have break through bleeding and your uterine lining is now only 7.1 when it was 9.1 just a few weeks ago."

The blood clot in my right ovary has grown.

The two follicles on my left ovary are now cysts.

I have corpus luteum cysts going on but he didn't state which side.  He did state that this is indicative that I ovulated and might have caught the egg. But it doesn't really mean squat to me at this point since he wants me off the endometrin as of now.  He says that the progesterone might be adding to the messed up cycle.

Dr. C. didn't tell me how many follicles I am recruiting nor the size of the follicles I have now or the size of the blood clot.  Maybe it just doesn't matter at this point?

He wants me off of the clomid for a cycle.  I should go on birth control but he said with the migraine headaches I get while on it that it wouldn't be worth the side effects.  So in two bleeds I'm to call the clinic and schedule blood work and a scan.  So about the end of May he figures.

This isn't the first time my cycles have gone haywire while on Clomid.  I was amazed that Dr. C. would even hint at menopause without digging through my chart.  Seriously I'm quite regular with 24-27 day cycles without the clomid.  The clomid is what messes up my cycles.

He said that I should try on my own, a full natural cycle this time, but only if the pain isn't too bad.  Good thing I have plenty of OPK's.  I have two hpt's on hand and that should be enough since its really the opks that will be needed most.

So within two weeks of going off of progesterone I've been known to have a bleed.  Back in the days of my really messed up cycles from the PCOS I used to use Provera to get my cycles to start after the negative Betas.

In two weeks if I don't start you know I'll be calling my clinic to find out what is up and try to get AF on board with our next trial run at pregnancy.

Oh and still no news from the gastroenterologist.

CD 22

Well all signs stopped yesterday.  I guess I didn't get CD 1 after all.  I have no clue what the heck is going on with my body.

Last evening I still was streaking bright red and sometimes brown in the EWCM.  No it didn't discolor it but it was just part of it in some streaks.  Odd I know.

But hey I've got some good news to share with all of you.  Don't ever give up on Unicorns.  One of my blogger friends just got a unicorn.  Bleeding Tulip you are one lucky gal.  Once briefly I did conceive without medications but mine was short lived.  For you dear I hope that this one sticks to the finish line.  Congratulations!

1300 hrs today I should be getting some answers as to the blood clot I have in my right ovary.  I hope its resolving.  I hope I can get some answers as to why my cycle is acting so screwy.  Probably its the blood clot doing what it wants and collecting all sorts of estrogen to throw a monkey wrench in my plans for next cycle.

Doctor Call

I called and left a message with the RE office at 0930 hrs.  At 1011 hrs I received an urgent call back from the RE's office from nurse J.

I was told I have to get blood work.

I was told I have to schedule an ultrasound for tomorrow.

Lt.Col. B is worried about the blood clot in my right ovary.

I started spotting early Friday morning.  It stopped then started again on Saturday only to stop completely with no show on Sunday.  This morning there was the bright red blood.  It stopped again with just brown and heavy clotting.  I'm not sure if today is CD 1 now or what.  According to my cycle day it would only be CD 21 even for me this is awfully early for my period to be starting.

I had the blood work this morning.  Now I just sit here and wait for the BFN result.  They also did an E2 draw so I'll see where I stand on that as well as the beta result and ultrasound results tomorrow afternoon.

Oh I know I'm not pregnant.  Not one symptom pointing towards a pregnancy.  So if somehow it shows positive I'm going to be incredibly surprised.

Yesterday's Fun in the Sun

S came by with her two boys yesterday.  They are a bit hyper and want to get into everything.  As most of you know I haven't had the energy to do much and very little patience since I'm sick. So I took pictures.

J decided to take the boys out back and teach them how to sword fight with my beating sticks.  I had hoped to get to use the sticks first since I made them but that hadn't happened in the last year since they were put together. At least they now have been used.

S's boys were well protected since each was wearing one of J's ACHs.  They took turns beating on each other while J called time out to try to teach them technique.  Okay sure they really listened to that...NOT!

So J did what any one would have who wanted to teach them how to play fair at mock sword fighting.  He got into it himself and taught both of them.

J and B mock fighting.

J and E learning how to properly hit and what muscles to use to move.

Did I say muscles?  Yup J actually did show each of the boys which muscle groups to use.  He explained using his own arms as to which muscle groups he was using for what movement.  Not to use the stomach muscles for the thrusting but only to evade.

Please note that the beating sticks are made from pool noodles and pvc pipe of which only extends part way into the noodle.  So you only get hit with the noodle not the pipe.  Digital Camo tape purchased from a craft store makes for a nice grip on the handle area and covers the non-toxic glue that holds the pipe to the pool noodle.

Taking It Slow

Today I gardened in the morning.  Not an easy task lugging around a 20+ lb bad of peet moss.  First I washed the front window and squeegeed it clean.  Next I thinned out the plants that I plan on sharing with my friend S.  Finally it was time to bring the layer of soil up to almost even with the side walk.  I did water it, trust me.  J reassured me that when he purchased the peet moss it would hold the water.  I just took the photos of the garden bed I did today.  I don't know about you but to me it looks rather parched.

In the garden right now I have growing: Italian flat leaf parsley, strawberries, yarrow, dalmatian bells, snapdragons, hollyhocks, and green onion (just one that some how decided to spring up on its own over the winter from last summer's seeding.).

I plan on putting in the seedlings that I have grown which are larkspurs, marigolds, organic heirloom tomatos, peppers, green onions, beets, radishes, sunflowers, and johnny jump ups.

I have two more flower beds to get to this weekend before I'll be happy with how things look around here.  Plus the hanging baskets and potted plants.  I moved all of the lemon balm to pots as it was invading all the garden.


These are just a few of my seedlings.  I have more but they are on my patio.  The two big pots are my lemon balm.

My rosemary plant in bloom.  It has gotten huge since I bought it 3 years ago.  I have lemon thyme in the bottom left corner of the picture with more yarrow.  To the back of the photo is the rhododendron plant, rhubarb, raspberry bush, birds foot ivy, carnations, and more dalmatian bells.  I think the dalmatian bells are also known as something called Campanulas.

Rainy Day Projects

J has today off because he gave blood the other day.  Its a compensation day for a good deed I guess.  Hmm...when I gave blood in college I never got a day off from classes.  But well its nice to have him home so I'm going to put him to work.

Its raining off and on today so its indoor project time.  I've been wanting to get the dining room table refinished.  I had J tackle it with his sander and no luck on removing the finish.  Okay back to the chemical remover I had started with last year on the table. 

Its a slow process to be sure and not very environmentally friendly with the amount of paper towels we are going through but the old sticky, cracked varnish is coming off.  I was really hoping that the power sander would have done the trick and he would have possible had the first coat of new stain on the table top today.

Now I'm rethinking this whole process I guess its going to take the entire weekend to finish.  I'm hopeful that when finished my dining room table, its walnut, will look beautiful once again.  It opens up to 120 inches if I remember correctly with its three leaves.  Yes, I've always wanted the big family dinners for the holidays at my house.  I have the table but no children.  Can't win for trying on that one.

The next two days are supposed to be sunny so while J is working on the table I'm going to go outside and with any luck wash the windows then put the seedlings in the ground.

So yes my life is a bit hum drum right now but its better to have a little less excitement for a change I think. 

In the next few weeks some changes will be occurring and hopefully I'll have some news to share as results come in.  With any luck J will be able to re-enlist and eventually deploy, though I'd rather he not deploy of course.

Parenting

I'm not one to be in contact with my parents all that often and many of you know why if you've read those particular blog posts.  Yesterday I emailed my mom to tell her that I still haven't heard on the biopsy results and that it could be another week.  They did tell me it would take 2-3 weeks to get the results. So my mom is already assuming that its nothing to worry about. Every time something arises that isn't good in my life or is good in my life she  tells me how much worse or better it is for her.  I just hate when someone can't be happy or sad for me that is supposed to be in my support system.  I need to let it go.  I just need to write my parents off like my therapist has told me.  I can't.  Call it Catholic guilt.  Honor thy father and mother bs.

So I'm still here just over two weeks now waiting for the results.  The paper work states that if by three weeks I don't receive the results I'm to call the clinic.  I've had things disappear in the mail before so if it doesn't arrive next week I won't be all that surprised.

No new symptoms pointing towards pregnancy.  Still all the same as last reported.  I know its too early for me to call this one a wash.

Something happened last night.  A close friend called me crying.  Now I have to ask all of you out there to first think before you open your mouths and utter the first hurtful thing that comes out.  I know that I do it too at times.  Last night my friend got judged harshly for how she was handling a situation with one of her kids.  Her youngest was bawling his eyes out at a nationwide chain store because she wouldn't buy him the expensive toy he wanted.  We all know that toys are expensive.  We all know that we can't start a routine of buying  a toy every time we are out with the kid either because its not affordable and two the child will think even with bad behavior it should be rewarded.

Well someone got all up into my friend's face about her parenting.  The obnoxious, judgmental female shopper told my friend she should remove herself and her children from the store.  She even went as far as to follow my friend to her vehicle and take a photo of her license plate.  This of course freaked the heck out of my friend.

I know my friend's kids.  They are for the most part really well behaved but when tired, hungry, bored, or wanting something they aren't going to get they get annoying.  We all did that as kids to our parents, even the best of us, the angels still got on our parents nerves.

Why the heck couldn't that woman stop and just think before she got into my friend's business?  Do we now have nothing better to do than to sit in food courts at mega stores annoy those with children and tell them that they should be parenting?  I don't know if this woman had children but if she did I wonder how bad of a mother she is herself.  I wonder if she would like someone else putting their nose in her business when she is trying to correct her child?

This woman judged my friend without knowing her.  My friend's spouse is deployed.  My friend is both mom and dad to the kids right now.  Its not easy being a single parent from what I've seen.

Too Hot, Too Cold

Okay so the progesterone is now making me more than cranky.  I'm too hot at night then all of a sudden too cold.  The house is set on 62 for the heat.  Its me not the blankets.  I start stripping off my footies, next I throw off the blankets.  Of course within a half hour or less I start with chills.  Back  on go the footies and blankets.

Last night I was crying at nothing.  The same with the night before.  I'm so moody.  I think I should post a warning sign on my front door.

Cramps.  I've got odd twinges in my uterus that could possibly be the implantation because it would be about the right time if the estimated ovulation date is correct.  But I'm not going to believe it because it could just be endo pain or adenomyosis or hell just gastritis.  Who knows?

I'm still a week away from the minimum of which I can take a hpt.  I'm going to wait longer because even though I ovulated early I have long two week waits.  The 24th will only be 22 days from my probably start date and yes it would be about 14 days from the ovulation but seriously my cycles are usually about 25 days so I'll probably push it out another 4 days just to torture myself further.

No breast tenderness yet.  But why should there be if it would just be implanting now?  One would think the endometrin would have at least given me that false sign by now, but no it hasn't.

So this is where I stand as of today.  Still no evidence.  Still waiting.

Its been two weeks as of today since I had my stomach biopsy.  I'm waiting for the results in the mail.  It could be another week as they said 2-3 weeks for results.  I guess I'll probably know the results of both next week.

For all out there trying and hoping, I hope all of you soon get your BFPs.  Good luck!

CD 15 and Who The Heck Knows Days Past Ovulation

Yeah I'm complaining again.  I have no clue when I ovulated.  I have no real symptoms but then again if I ovulated say last week Tuesday I doubt I would have any right now anyway since it would only be beginning to get to the implantation.  However, I am on Endometrin so one would think that at least my boobs would hurt!  But no, not even a little bit sore. 

I have the headache, nausea, and mood swings from the progesterone. 

We know that last week Wednesday my Progesterone level, before Endometrin use, was 14.15, so that means I did ovulate.

I have really bad cramps in the pelvic region on both sides of the uterus but not in the uterus.

I have EWCM (egg white cervical mucus) to go along with the Endometrin white slime.  Fun times as it feels like I've constantly got wet panties.

So I have no clue where I am in my cycle for sure and am really just guessing that I'm at CD15 considering I didn't have a real bleed this cycle.  No this cycle was screwed up from the start with just the brown bleeding for about 8 days.  I had to guess on everything.  Normally I have bright red, heavy clotting, bad cramping cycle starts.  I think this abnormal cycle start was due to the fact that last cycle was the first one back on the clomid.

I'm frustrated.  The only things I'm sure of is that I ovulated due to the blood work results showing me that fact, and that I have a large blood clot in the follicle that I ovulated from.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Yesterday was a busy day to put it mildly.  Most of you know that I've been really fatigued.  Well I pushed myself.

In the morning I dug up all of my Lemon Balm from one of my front flower beds and transplanted it into two huge planters.  S will be getting one and later as I split up the seedlings and more herbs she'll be getting some of each too.  I have a green thumb and it seems that no matter what I plant grows.  My back is now hurting from the digging and re-potting.

By 1015 hrs J and I were at S's house.  The five of us went antiquing.  S has her own shop in Fife, more a booth if you will and we went there first.  Next stop was the South Tacoma Antique Mall.  This last place was where I purchased some awesome items.  One item I can't mention because its a Christmas gift for a family member.  I know he'll love it.

So with all the walking we did I was aching by the time we finally got home at 1600 hrs. J and I stopped at BK for some late lunch early dinner before heading home.     I had a grilled chicken sandwich and gave J my fries.  Not allowed fries.  Needless to say the food still didn't sit right in my stomach.  I can't win when it comes to food these days.  I'm thinking some of the upset stomach is probably from the progesterone I'm on.  I vacuumed three of the seven rooms in our house and took a non-asprin for a headache when we got home.

1800 hrs finds me shaving the hair off J's head.  Its grown too long and now it needs to be cut.  Out come the clipper.  He says to use the 1/8" .  Okay so no hair huh?  At this point I have a raging headache that the non-asprin I took at 1600 hrs did nothing to fix.

At 1900 hrs I was yawning as I did up all the dishes.  I'm trying to be more Eco friendly.  I used only one small sink full of water to wash 3/4 of a dishwasher full of dishes.  It was an experiment that nearly killed my back and already aching feet.  Not sure I'll be doing it again either.  I'm a wuss.

2000hrs I was crying the pain was horrid.  The pelvic pain started in.  Mind you my feet, back, head and stomach were already voicing their objections.  I passed out on the bed at 2100 hrs and woke up at 2130 hrs. alone, J had decided to sleep in the living room.   I'm guessing that the pain got really bad and my brain said enough.

I have the next five days free from doctor's appointments.  This week I'm going to busy playing catch up on everything I've been neglecting, including me.  Today I'm doing two loads of laundry and hopefully will get the fours rooms I still need to vacuum finished.  I plan on cooking every night this week too and have a menu listed on the white board.  Thank God I have a casserole cook book!  J has been working some odd hours and I never know when to make dinner.

So there, I complained yet again.  I know I'm supposed to take it easy.  I don't think I know how.  Catholic guilt creeps in and reminds me that if I'm not doing something productive I'm letting evil in...idle hands are the devil's something or other that I can't remember.

Pardon Me For Being Here

Wow some really pushy people today.  I went to the farmer's market in Olympia this morning with J, S and her two boys.  It was crowded but seriously I hate being shoved around.  I bought what I needed and left for my next destination on my shopping list, the commissary on McChord.

Okay that was an even bigger mistake.  Yes, I know I shouldn't shop on pay day weekends but I had a planned list of items I needed and some not so planned since I took J with me.  J has his own food needs above and beyond the house hold for his breakfast and lunches.  I just cook dinner, take care of my own two other main meals since he is gone for those.

Well it was crowded to say the least.  The manners of the individuals were sorely lacking.   When is it appropriate to leave your shopping cart in the middle of the aisle of any store?  When it is appropriate to just back up into the person that is trying to get by who says "excuse me"?  Oh and when I'm in line waiting to go to to a check out line when the hell is it okay for you to shove your cart loaded with bottled water with your baby carrier attached to the top basket into my back and Achilles tendon at ramming speed?  I almost screamed it hurt so bad.  I did say loudly ouch!  The lady glares at me and snears...sorry.  Yeah right fertile one you aren't wrong it was me I'm guessing, because I don't have a kid and I don't count.  Today I decided to not use my cane wish I had as I limped off with my cart to the check out line.

To finish it off while I was in line attempting to pay for my groceries the checkout next to me was all of a sudden a place to be and I got pushed and shoved by two checkers that needed to access some machine tape for another register. 

Have any of the above mentioned ever learned manners?

Hoping For A Day Out

I'm waiting on my bestie S to find out if today is a good day for her too to just get the heck out of the area.  Not a big trip and first I'll have to figure out my finances too.  I need to pay the bills then decide with what is left what I'll be able to afford for fun today considering I still have the weekend to look forward to with my spouse.

I think this weekend will most likely be spent grocery shopping and gardening.  Still that means I'd better start looking through my cook books and making a list of grocery items I need for meal planning.  I don't mind winging it some nights with say fish sticks but I'd prefer to closer watch my nutrition by cooking from scratch whenever possible.

I think I need this day with S.  I've yet to put my hair into some order.  I should go slap some war paint on to but luckily it takes S a while to get ready.  I should be ready when she calls,  I hope.

Its CD 10 and Adenomyosis

My RE clinic has four doctors one of which is a civilian who is Dr. C.  One of the doctors is now back from his deployment and that would be Lt.Col B.  That leaves just Dr. B who is a Major and Dr. N who is a Cpt.  Yesterday I got to see Lt.Col.B.  I like him.  He is the optimist in the bunch.  So even though he had bad news to impart yesterday it didn't seem all that bad.

Lt.Col. B  thinks that I probably have Adenomyosis because of the symptoms and his findings during the examination yesterday.  Oh Joy!  I mean yes, I figured I probably did have it since my periods always hurt, sex hurts, peeing hurts, sometimes I get pelvic pain from just walking too.  However, Lt.Col. B. thinks that I should still be able to get pregnant?  Really?  Maybe he has a bit more faith in my reproductive organs than I do.

Years ago when I first starting to go to this particular RE clinic my doctor was Lt.Col. B but back then he was only a major.  I didn't even know they could deploy an RE.  I mean really does someone in a war zone need clomid that badly?  Its because he is a surgeon first I was told.  Okay that makes a bit more sense.

Most of the bad news was the diagnosis of the adenomyosis, however there was a bit more to that bad news.  The follicle count was two.  One 17 mm on the left and one boat shaped huge follicle on the right that contained a blood clot.  Yup the endometriosis strikes again.

Lt.Col. B ordered some labs and spoke with us about timed intercourse and the probability that we might have already ovulated.  Well its a good thing I've been using the OPKs this week.  I had sex the night before the exam when I saw those two dark lines appear.

Lab result for CD 9:

Estradiol  (E2)      406
Progestereone        14.15
F something was       4.89
L something was        2.08

 Oh and my lining was 9.1 so that was right up there where it needs to be for a hopeful embryo.


Nurse S was happy to hear that I covered my bases with the sex since she informed with the progesterone count that they missed the ovulation date.  Funny I was just telling J last week when Nurse M scheduled the appointment time that it would be too late and I'd miss ovulation.  They know I ovulate early.  So even though they had me pick up the trigger shot yesterday it sits in my fridge waiting for a next time.  I really hope this won't be necessary and I'll get pregnant this cycle.

Lt. Col. B seems to think, even though he knows how old I am, that I still have plenty of time to try on my own since I respond so well to the clomid.  I'm not a bad responder to IVF either but my follicles don't want to group together to release together so IVF isn't going to happen again for us.  Donor eggs are still an option along with adoption that we will be discussing in the future.

As for the endometriosis.  Lt.Col. B wants to wait on doing any surgery on me because I'm still in the child bearing years.  But, um, isn't the endometriosis causing the embryos to not implant properly?  He said he is still concerned with the risks to me from having it removed that I might end up having to have a full hysterectomy if its as bad as they think rather than just removing the bad areas from the ovaries and uterine wall.  Oh joy!  So then why the heck should I even think about donor eggs?

So it looks as though I ovulated from the right this month and the follicle ruptured filling back up with a nasty blood clot.  I'm not sure how the heck it could properly support an embryo.  Good thing I'm taking the endometrin.   We just don't know for a fact when I ovulated.  Maybe CD 8 when I had sex?  Even for me that is a new record for early ovulation, but I knew it would happen.  Murphy's law!

I'm back on the Endometrin as of yesterday since the RE's office isn't sure when I ovulated. I asked Nurse S when I should start it and she actually said I would have to guess at the when to start part.  So I opted for the sooner is better.

Now I'm in the two week wait which is more like 16 days for me or longer sometimes.  I have just two pregnancy tests here at home.  I'm also waiting on the results of my stomach biopsy.  I should know all the answers to both at about the fourth week of April.

Maybe if I think about it I'll order a pregnancy test from thinkgeek.  PTeq home pregnancy test seems to be rather cool looking except for the fact that my usb front ports are not horizontal ones and it might muck up the tester.

UP

In my early years I was a tom boy who swung from trees, played in underground forts, and attempted daring fetes that most boys would do, but I of course was a girl.  My parents would tell us to go outside and play in the yard.  Considering I was brought up on 57 acres of woodland that meant playing in the fresh air with trees, rabbits, deer, crayfish in the neighboring pond and the children that some how migrated to my yard every day.

Years ago when I was just a baby I climbed my first mountain on Uke's back.  I guess I didn't really climb the mountain as I was, at the tender age of 10 months, not yet able to walk.  I don't remember a thing about this journey except for the re-telling of my parents story.  Uke and Donny were my parents' best friends and they did most of the their weekend adventures together.

The next time, many years later, we tried to summit the very same mountain.  I stayed behind with my mom as her back with giving her difficulties.  She was just months away from having her back surgery.  Unfortunately I never got to see and remember the top of Poke-o-moonshine.  I've heard it was quite lovely from my dad and brother.  That's right rub it in that you didn't have to stay behind.

Alas my mountain climbing years were short lived.  Now most summits are merely faded memories.  I can barely remember climbing Mount Jo with my sixth grade class as a field trip.  I know that I was rather disappointed that we didn't get to climb Mount Marcy like the other sixth grade classes were doing that very same day.

If I had the chance to do it all over again, with UP as my inspiration I  would most definitely climb the remaining of the Adirondack Mountain range.  Maybe I can still make some short day hikes with my handicaps.  I guess I'll just have venture forth and give it my best while still taking precautions and deal with failure if it happens.

Maybe some day, if I'm lucky enough to have children they'll be able to go peakbagging.  There is so very much to learn while outside enjoying nature.

Trish Herr's then five year old daughter Alex wanted to hike all 48 of New Hampshire 's 4,000+ foot mountains. Would you let your five year old do the same? Join From Left to Write on April 12 as we discuss Up: A Mother and Daughter’s Peakbagging Adventure. As a member of From Left to Write, I received a copy of the book. All opinions are my own.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

I guess there has been a bit of confusion with my posting yesterday.  I'm not depressed though to some it might sound like it.  Thank you to all of my friends that expressed their concern.  I often forget that I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome until another bout of it hits me.  I was diagnosed so many years ago with CFS, I think about the same time I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  I did get tested about 5 years ago and sure enough I tested positive for having had in the past the Epstein-barr virus, which in my case was the trigger for the CFS.

Here is a bit of information about the CFS.

Symptoms

Symptoms of CFS are similar to those of the flu and other common viral infections, and include muscle aches, headache, and extreme fatigue. However, symptoms of CFS last for 6 months or more.
The main symptom of CFS is extreme tiredness (fatigue), which is:

• New
• Lasts at least 6 months
• Not relieved by bed rest
• Severe enough to keep you from participating in certain activities

Other symptoms include:

• Feeling extremely tired for more than 24 hours after exercise that would normally be considered easy
• Feeling unrefreshed after sleeping for a proper amount of time
• Forgetfulness
• Concentration problems
• Confusion
• Joint pain but no swelling or redness
• Headaches that differ from those you have had in the past
• Irritability
• Mild fever (101 degrees F or less)
• Muscle aches (myalgias)
• Muscle weakness, all over or multiple locations, not explained by any known disorder
• Sore throat
• Sore lymph nodes in the neck or under the arms
  
  
  Yes under the complications section depression is listed, but right now I'm not depressed. As a matter of fact I have some hope thanks to reading JOB the other day.  Okay that and the fact that tomorrow is my follicle scan.  I'll let everyone know how that went on Thursday's blog.  Tomorrow's blog post will be about the latest book I read for my book club.
  
  I'm just really tired.  No matter how much sleep I get at night I'm just exhausted because its not a restful sleep.  I'm cranky from being on the clomid and not sleeping well.  My body just aches and the stomach pain is not helping matters.  I've been miserable for months now.  So with any hope I'll feel better by the end of Summer.

Finding Some Hope In Job

I didn't go to church yesterday.  I slept until 1100 hrs.  I've been really tired.  I was up at various times throughout Saturday night into the wee hours of Sunday morning.  At 0500 hrs on Sunday morning I reached for my bible.  No I'm not a religious person.  I am more spiritual than anything.

Deciding to read a chapter from the book of Job really helped.  Job knows what its like to lose everything and still have faith.  Right now it feels like I'm losing everything.

In the past few months I've had heart ache from repeat miscarriages.

I've lost my health to the point that at times I think I should just give up and let them hospitalize me and run all those blasted tests.

I've lost my close connection to my spouse with these fertility treatments.

Now I have to begin to find my way back to a more normal life.  My faith may just be the only thing that gets me through the rough patches.

I'm just so tired.  I wish it were only depression.  Come 1400 hrs I'm yawning with fatigue.  Probably from trying to do way too much in one day.  I keep forgetting that my doctors have told me to take it easy on myself.  I keep trying to be just like any other healthy gal my age.  I don't like to think about my limitations.  I feel like a wuss if I stop and nap, or even rest.  My job is at home and taking care of that home.  If I can't take care of my home then am I of use?  I have worth, just not much use since my infertility had made being a mom next to impossible.  Most Army Wives my age have a brood of children, work from home or away from it, volunteer, and still find time to be close to their spouse.  I'm not sure how they do it.

So this is where I find myself today.  I have some hope when I read the book of Job.  If he can make it I think I just might be able to as well.

Blowing Off Steam

Photo of J by me.  He is wearing his best sweatshirt....Tuxedo.  Haha!  Seriously its his hometown that is named Tuxedo and it is where the Tuxedo was invented.

J and I have completely different ways to unwind.  I like to read a good novel and take a hot bath he likes to go to the range and blow stuff up or away.  Occasionally I too like the sport but not when I'm sick.

Today we did what he wanted to do.  He offered to let me shoot and even brought my gun with him.  I just wasn't in the mood to shoot.  I did pick up brass for him and re-sticker the targets.  J likes to reload his own ammunition because he says its a lot cheaper.  Okay good hobby for him but I really don't like the idea of gun powder in the house all that much.  I'm accident prone and forgetful.  All I need to do is accidentally knock down the powder container, split it open and think okay I'll vacuum it up.  Not a good idea to vacuum up black powder folks.

I told J to smile, maybe I should have told him not to blink either?
Bad photo but still its a good smile.

Even though J loaded up the car with about half of his guns, he decided that the hand guns were good enough for shooting today.  Um, I already told him that given the fact its breezy and cold as hell outside neither of us would want to be out in it for more than 3 hours so yeah handguns only.  Never listens to me.  I guess its the only way he learns, by making mistakes and realizing that well if only he had listened to me.  I give up.

Oh and yes I know I sound cranky.  Probably the clomid.  Could also be the puking, damn stomach.  Or maybe its my cold as death fingers hurting so that typing isn't very tolerable, damn arthritis.

I'll find out in about 2.5 weeks, give or take a few days, the results of the biopsies of my stomach.  I have to say the waiting is probably going to be worse than the results.  I either have an ulcer started from H.plyori or cancer.  Those are the only two reasons they said they do the biopsy.  Both are treatable, one is curable and the other well I'm just not going there.  What this all means to me is just that I might have to cut even shorter my trying to conceive.  I can still hope that its nothing and that my stomach will go back to normal once it sheds its lining again. 

Life goes on.

AH-chooooooo

They started mowing in our neighborhood today.  J heard the landscapers out there and he hates how they ruin his grass.  J is now out there mowing our grass with our old-fashioned non-motor push mower. 

I'm sneezing.  Cut grass, tree pollen, and the dandelions are making it difficult to breathe.

It might reach the high 50's here today.  Still not warm enough for me to put my seedlings outside in the garden.  The overnight low temperature last night was 32....that would freeze my plants.

On the  food front I'm starting to buy the foods that I'm allowed to eat.  I'm currently following three diets combined.  DASH diet for my hypertension, IBS diet for my IBS, and the newest one for the stomach issues which takes away even more food from what I was allowed.  Now I can't even have peppermint tea!  No chocolate or carob.  Just put me in the grave now why don't you?  No beans, lentils or nuts.  Wait I love eating my nuts.  Now its like I'm down to just chicken as a source of protein.  They took red meats, wild game, pork, eggs and dark meat away from me along with all dairy now when I used to be allowed to eat cheese.  Do you realize how quickly I can get sick of chicken and turkey?

So I'll figure out what I'm allowed to eat for soluble fiber foods and then whittle it down more from the other "you can't eat that" lists I was given.  Looks like rice cakes are going to be my main staple food.

Yes I'm complaining its my blog and I'm going to whine and sneeze today.  Since I can't have real wine, like ever again!

As for the antiphospholipid antibody test that was done on Wednesday, even though the lab tech said it would take about 8 hours to get the results, the test results won't be in until some time late next week.  Why?  Well they have to send the blood out to have the test done.  I guess my big regional medical treatment facility here called Madigan isn't so big after all that they still need to send out for tests.  So as a little preventative since I'll be ovulating this week I'm now taking one baby asprin a day...just in case.
Label me cranky today.

Yesterday's Fun Times

I have pictures to share with all of you.  Yummy you get to see the insides of my upper digestive tract, aren't I special for sharing them with you?

<--- Photo of the GERD damage its only Stage A so its not that bad.

Okay well you all know that I had my testing yesterday.  I went in at the appointed time and got back out about 2 hours later, even though the test only took 5 minutes to complete.  Why so long?  Well I sat in the prep and recovery room for the other 115 minutes.  No seriously they were moving slowly yesterday.  As soon as my test was done I was asking to get up and get going.  The nursing staff said to give  them a few more minutes to make sure all my vitals were fine.  Okay but I want out of here. 

<----They did biopsy two sites in my stomach because it looked suspicious.  Fun times ahead waiting for those results.


They called in my spouse to the report card room. Yes I felt like a kid being called in front of the teacher with my parent present.  But all went fairly well.  They sent off specimens for analysis.  Just a couple of biopsies.  No big deal, unless of course its a big deal but I'll find out in 2 or 3 weeks.



I'm back on prilosec for an indefinite period of time as the release paperwork stated :  -Use prilosec at 20mg by mouth once a day indefinitely.  Yay me!  I finally get myself weened off that drug two years ago and now I'm back on it again.  Hmm...wasn't 15 years of it enough?

I go upstairs to the pharmacy and pick up my script.  I chat with the pharmacist.  She suggested to me that I get an antiphospholipid antibody test done.  Okay sure.  I walk down stairs to the RE's office and ask to get one done.  They agreed.  Hmm...wonders why they never decided to do this test before?

Today I'll have the test results for the antiphospholipid test.   I never even thought about having that test done.  We'll see if the hunch the pharmacist had pays off.

Yesterday I started back on the clomid and melatonin.  We'll see what this cycle brings for me. 

Right now J is at the doctor's getting his back re-evaluated.  I hope its starting to heal.

Esophagogastroduodenoscopy Today

I'm scared. There are two possible outcomes: either they find something wrong or they don't and all of this is just in my head because of the stress or deployment then not deploying then deploying and all the infertility struggles.

I'm sitting here thirsty like a person baking in the sun without a drink of water and surrounded by ocean waters.

I guess all I can do is just try to relax now and wait.  I go in at 0915 hrs.  I hope its just an ulcer and nothing that needs to be followed up with further cutting.  Okay so really I'm just frightened of a staph infection.  Its understandable.  They are going to stick equipment down my digestive tract and possibly biopsy.  At least when we did IVF I was given antibiotics to prevent an infection since they were going to be routing about my ovaries and uterus with a honking huge needle.  Now I face being cut up from the inside, if need be; seriously that freaks me out.

J slept in the living room last night.  I knew I'd be tossing and turning a lot last night.  I was up every hour!  He had to get his sleep as we both had to be up at 0400 hrs.

I just want to know why sometimes it feels like something is getting stuck under my ribs when I bend over or stretch.  Its in the stomach area.  Two years ago my PA told me I was exercising too much and bruised a rib.  Well I stopped exercising and the pain never went away.  I had to ignore it to push through with the infertility treatments.  Now that infertility treatments failed and I failed infertility I'm back to trying to find out what the heck is causing that pain.  Sometimes I can just be sitting there and it feels like something shifted in my upper left quadrant where the stomach sits and the pain just feels really uncomfortable like again something is caught under my floating rib pair.

Maybe its just because I'm fat?  I still have about 40 pounds to lose.  Maybe it the adipose tissue getting caught under my ribs?  Oh heck I don't know.  Hopefully I get some answers today.

J is being given the day off to stay at home with me so that I don't do anything stupid after sedation.  Also in case for some reason things go wrong.

Utterances From A Fatigued Mind

I'm tired.  J had CQ duty last night which means neither of us slept.  I stayed up late not wanting to go to bed and sleep alone.  Yes, I realize that I do sleep alone when he is deployed but the one night alone drives me to stay up.

My mind is mush.  If I comment on your blogs today and my spelling is awry or what I say doesn't make much sense its because I've had maybe three hours sleep.

Oh sure its easy for everyone to tell me to go take a nap, they don't live where I do.  Day break means this place comes alive.  There is no real sleep when PT begins each morning or should I say when revelry is sounded.   

I can't get 'em up, 
I can't get 'em up, 
I can't get 'em up this morning; 
I can't get 'em up, 
I can't get 'em up, 
I can't get 'em up at all, 

The corporal's worse than the privates,  
The sergeant's worse than the corporals,  
Lieutenant's worse than the sergeants,  
And the warrant's worst of all!

I can't get 'em up
I can't get 'em up
I can't get 'em up this morning;
I can't get 'em up
I can't get 'em up
I can't get 'em up at all! 

And tho' the sun starts peeping, 
And dawn has started creeping,  
Those lazy bums keep sleeping, 
They never hear my call!

You've got to get up
You've got to get up
You've got to get up this morning
You've got to get up
You've got to get up
Get up with the bugler's call

The major told the captain 
The captain told the sergeant  
The sergeant told the bugler 
The bugler told them all.

So yes this is what is going through my head today.  I had my beta today and will get the results later this afternoon.  I'm thinking bfn as any pregnancy test I've taken of late has been negative and I have no symptoms.  Still no AF and its CD30 which makes me about 5 days late.  Most likely I'm just nervous about the endoscopy tomorrow morning.

 

 

Volunteer

Since I'm getting my mind off of this whole trying to conceive I figured I'd slowly throw myself back into volunteering.  Because I do volunteer I've been invited to the annual volunteer luncheon.  Usually I get a certificate of appreciation.  Last year I didn't even realize that we were having a luncheon I was so into this whole TTC lifestyle.  Its time to pay more attention to the world once again.

Hopefully I'll be dropping off the blanket I made to our FRG coordinator soon.  Its not that its annoying to have it bagged and sitting on my hall table but I'd just like to see it given to someone deserving in the near future.  Our coordinator is quite busy and when she gets a moment to breath she does look for those she thinks deserve little gifts.

Wow, I sound like such a snob.  Sorry if that's how I might come off in this post as its not intended to sound like I have my nose in the air.

Volunteering gives me a sense of achievement like I'm giving back to the community that has given so much to me.  It has given me the chance to make new friends and we all could use more friends.

Volunteering might just help me heal some of the hurts that I've experienced with my losses while on the trying to conceive journey.  Maybe I'm expecting too much out of this self-less service but hey if it makes me feel good, even a little bit, then how can it be bad?

CD28

Ah the clomid is working over time to mess up my cycle length I can see.  I normally have a 24-26 day cycle.  I'm not pregnant any more or possibly never was since the two lines I got twice last week could have been a figment of my imagination.  The final hpt was negative.  The spotting has started.  On to the next cycle.

J and I have sat down and discussed more options.  He finally spoke up.  He is worried about my health.  He doesn't like what all these drugs are doing to my body.  I don't either.  We are talking about only trying for a few more cycles until he deploys and calling it quits.  No donor egg cycle.  No adoption.  Just living our lives without children. 

There is no shame in calling uncle when you've done two IVF, numerous rounds of clomid ( I started those when he was in AIT in 07) some with IUI in 2011, and trying natural too.  We've done it all for what we could afford.  Its now getting to the point that if I don't get pregnant soon I can't see myself chasing after a baby if it even ran into the street.  Oh I would surely try but don't forget I often use a cane to walk with; today I used my cane.

So this is where we are going.  We will slowly fade away from the fertility treatments and slip comfortably into middle age knowing that we did our best.  There is no shame.

I've been looking more into pet adoption and will continue to hold off for a while yet.  IF per chance I do have a miraculous pregnancy I want to have a pet free environment.  I was and still am allergic to dogs.  J has a mild cat allergy, his mom has a bad allergic reaction to cats.  I don't want to risk our off spring being subjected to asthma attacks related to allergies.  I have them and it not fun.

For now I'm going to concentrate on fixing my health.  I have an endoscopy this week at the gastroenterologist office. When I eat my stomach gives me sharp pain.  When I don't eat my stomach gives me sharp pain.  I'm guessing here, maybe an ulcer since I've had them before.  Thank you stressful life.