Envy

Photo of my eyes, they are a dark greyed green with bits of brown.

It always seems as though there is something we each want in our lives that someone else has.  I of course want children.  Others want more freedom, time to themselves, a green lawn, more money, more friends, etc...

Today I was again reminded how my life, though filled with medical issues and the inevitable deployments, is still envied by others.

I live a simple life.  I like to keep close to home most of the time, though I'd love to go on trips but with my medical issues (fibromyalgia, asthma, meniere's disease and the list goes on) its just not that easy to jump in the car and go where ever, whenever.

I like to spend time with my friends.  I like to spend time reading a book curled up in a chair.  I like knowing that some mornings I can sleep in or stay up late without worrying about taking care of anyone but me.  But I'd be willing to change all that if I could have a child.

While I was out today I got a call from my infertility specialist.  I saw them just last week Friday.  I was told that they would only call if something was wrong with my test results.  But I'm still hoping that when I call them back on Monday it will still be good news, news that maybe I'm accepted for the October IVF mini cycle.

I'm an optimist.  I always have hope, yes even when I've been given bad news.

I have yet to share on my blog what the OB/GYN said to J and I during my well woman exam.  It was painful.  The exam is always painful.  Even though Dr.K. noticed right off that I was ovulating; I bled from the pap test.  He had a lot of difficulty with the speculum too.  Its never easy to get it positioned right for some reason.  The reason I now know the answer for;  I have what is known as a retroverted uterus.  And that isn't the only problem.

From the questions Dr. K. asked and I answered plus from what he saw and what other GYNs have said it looks like I have endometriosis too.  Well its not the first time an OB/GYN has told me that and it would explain the heavy bleeding, painful sex, and almost chronic pelvic pain I have even when I don't have the ovarian cysts.  Meh, I've lived with it this long.  I'll know more though when they cut me open, whenever that will be.

So I envy those women who are able to live "normal" lives.  I envy people that seem to have life "easy" as it were but, I can almost guarantee that no one person on this planet will think that they are normal or their life is easy.  I guess we all envy each other for something.