Je Suis Fatigue

Man am I tired.  I was tired before I started taking the endometrin today. 

Had to call the RE office because I couldn't remember how often I have to take the endometrin.  Turns out it is twice a day and not once a day like I had remembered.  Good thing I called.

J is on call again tonight.  I'll be dishing out the candy to the kids alone.  With the weather we've been having I highly doubt we'll have that many kids here tonight.

J is finally getting his act in gear.  It took a kick start but he finally listened to me when I said to him,  "what do you have to lose by using the open door policy?".  It isn't like at this point they'll demote him just because they are pissed off that he went over someone's head.  The someone is the person, the Cpt., that didn't recommend him for re-enlistment. 

Here is the story:
J was denied re-enlistment.  The Cpt has been stonewalling J and his Sgt.  on getting an appointment with the CO of the brigade for 5 weeks.  J has several references in hand and I told him the above to just do it.  He spoke with the brigade CO today and it looks promising.  He said there is no reason why J shouldn't be allowed to re-enlist and he'll talk to his down range command along with the command that is on rear D.  Fact finding if you will.  He told J that they already down sized their brigade by 140 souls.  They are on quota already.

Hopefully we will know something soon.  As in before his term is past the point where he can't re-enlist which is coming up pretty darn soon.

Now for my update.  Last night while reading  my book I dismounted the bed on the left and my right ovary highly objected.  I have pain akin to the cyst like pain I had before.  I'm really hoping that the HCG shot didn't aggravate anything.  Still have pain on the right side today too.

Because I know that things are a bit swollen down there I'm going to continue to take it easy with no heavy lifting, heck very little lifting.  I'm currently doing laundry but I'm not going to lift the basket.  I'll just push it along with my feet to the bedroom.  Good thing I live in a one story.

I'll be baking the pumpkin for the pie later today and most likely making the puree today too if time permits.  But I'll be holding off on making the pie shell and putting it all together until tomorrow when I feel more up to it.

Irritated

After effects of the HCG shot and IUI.

• cramping yesterday
• brown spotting today, 1 day after IUI
• headache
• irritability
• sleepiness
• sensitive to smells

Those are what I'm dealing with right now.  In a few days the HCG shot should be out of my system enough that when J cooks up some of his taylor ham I'll no longer want to retch.

J and I had a long argument last night.  Right after the IUI he became insensitive again.  Oh heck, he started in the night before the IUI and gave him the what for.  He straightened up for about 12 hours.  Next day he was a jerk again.

I told him last night that I'm tired of him being immature.  It isn't cute.  I need an man that acts like a responsible adult to be my life partner.  I want someone that I can depend on.  Not someone that raises my blood pressure so that my head pounds especially when they know I have high blood pressure.

He can be that person if he loves me.  He can try if he wants to.  But trying is effort.  Effort means be responsible for ones actions.  It means he has to put his childish wants behind him and think of others first.  He can do this with his job so why can't he do it with his home life?  I'm fine with him being childlike on his own "me" time.  But when I need or want him to be there for me to share in joy, happiness and sometimes sorrow I want the adult.

I don't want to think that this cycle is already a bust but I think it might be.  The stress that I was put under last night is in no way conducive to sperm meets egg.

Okay I'm irritated.

So yesterday I managed to finish one baby hat and make another.  I'll share with you the photo of the experimental one.

 The white yarn has sparklies in the fabric though it can't be seen here.  This particular one is a newborn to three months size and currently I'm making one in the 3 to 6 months size.  I might make one in a preemie but I was wondering what my readers thought of it first.  So tell me, do you like the peppermint stripe hat?

If I can figure out how to make a red hat with a cuff of white would you like to see that in my shop?  Kind of like a Santa style hat.

My sales have dropped off dramatically.  I'm now paying out more for listing and advertising on Etsy than I'm taking in each week.  I hate to drop the advertising because it might just be the only reason that I'm getting a sale but I'm no longer making enough profit to even purchase more yarn.

Dismayed I guess.  Thinking that if my shop doesn't show enough profit I'll quit making items come January.  Had my FRG informed us about the holiday bazaar I think I would have purchased a table at it to show my wears.

IUI Today and Pumpkin Pictures.

I had the IUI at 1040 hrs.  J's counts were a bit better than normal with only one being a bit lower.  Over all he had well more than what we needed for minimum counts and in some place double and triple the numbers.  9 million needed over all and he had 99 million in the final sample which really isn't bad at all I think.

It hurt a bit but not as much as the last IVF with the threading of the catheter passed the cervix.   The hour prior to the IUI I emptied my bladder just a bit three times.  The nurse was getting worried that I wouldn't have enough.  I told her that I'm only emptying it enough so that it stops hurting.  She was okay with that thankfully.

The speculum insertion and catheter threading did sting.  I did have some cramping after too but that is to be expected.

The sperm have a tough job ahead of them with trying to get past my zona pellucida.  I know that as I age it gets thicker.  But the tech did tell me that since I had two follicles, one from each ovary this cycle I have a higher chance of fraternal twins because of my age alone.  I'll take what I get.  I'll be lucky to get one is what I figure.  Two means I can stop trying all together!

Here are the pumpkin photos.  Mine first 'cause I'm a girl and ladies should always go first!

I cut a hole in the back of my pumpkin to make the candle placement and ventilation process easier.  J should have learned from me on this one but he didn't.

My pumpkin all carved.

Mine lit up.

J carving his pumpkin at the table.  He is in ACUs because he was on call yesterday.

Virgo's are ever so precise.  He was cussing softly under his breath when it wasn't coming out the way he wanted.

J's pumpkin carved.

J's lit up.  He now realizes that he'll have to drill air holes so that his candle doesn't go out.  Could have sworn he learned that two years ago.

Yummy!  Pumpkin guts!

Carving Up Some Sleep

Today I'll be carving my pumpkin.  Hopefully I'll take some before and after photos.  The smallest pumpkin in the photo is the pie pumpkin.  Mine is the greener pumpkin in the photo.  No clue what I'm going to carve into it as of yet but I had better figure out something soon.  I have a good excuse why I didn't get around to carving my pumpkin yesterday;  I shopped for new spectacles.

Four hours shopping and trying on spectacles on my photo.  Finally I found two pairs that I really liked.  They had a BOGO so I couldn't pass it up.  $91.80 including the shipping cost I have my two pairs on their way to my domain.

I tried to get to bed early.  J was on call again last night.  Second time this week.  Our neighbors were having a party that ended at 0130 hrs with a drunken fist fight.  We called the MPs.  Looks like one of the drunks raced off in his car.  Hopefully he was caught later on.  Very nice considering J had to be up at 0300 hrs.  I finally conked out at 0530 hrs and woke up a few times thinking I heard J pull back in.  He did show up again before I dragged my carcass out of bed at 1100 hrs.

Laundry is in the washer right now.  I preparing for some sloth rest after the IUI tomorrow.  I gave myself the trigger shot at 2230 hrs yesterday.

Tomorrow at 0900 hrs we'll be at SRM to start our IUI. 

I so need to get that pumpkin carved.  I'm not in the spirit this year.  Probably thinking about last year when I was put on bed rest during the miscarriage.  A new year, another chance.  Tomorrow is a full moon when the Earth is ripe so hopefully it will be a good omen for me as well.

Picking

Today we picked out our pumpkins and now I'm trying to pick out glasses on line.

Earlier today we went out to a local farm where we purchased out pumpkins last year and purchased two more for this year's decorating.  We'll be carving them over the weekend. No real rush since it's raining all day today.

J loves pickled beets so I picked up a jar for him at the pumpkin place along with a pie pumpkin.  Yes, this will be the first year since I was kid that I actually make pumpkin pie from scratch.  J turned to me when I bought the pumpkin for the pie and said, "did I tell you that I love you today?".  He can't believe that I'm going to make a pumpkin pie from scratch.

Yes, I've been spoiling him a bit of late.  This week I made a beef roast braised in port.  Last night it was lasagna and soon there will be fresh pumpkin pie.  I'm really trying to make this part of my cycle more pleasant for him.

Now as for the glasses, I've narrowed my selection down to 9 frames.  I'm not too keen on the rim-less bottom glasses for fear of the nylon cording stretching out and the lens falling out.  But we'll see what I decide on soon.  If the price is right I'll soon have two new pairs of single vision glasses.  I'm not one for the fancy frames, I'm more of the matte black metal type of gal.  I used to go through the plastic frames like kleenex in high school.  Volleyball and plastic frames do not mix.

High Hopes

Today is CD 11.

I had my appointment with the REI clinic this morning. 

I have good news.

I will be giving myself a trigger shot sometime tomorrow night.

IUI will be on Monday.

I'm just waiting for the phone call from the scheduling nurse.

I'll be starting the endometrin on Wednesday.

By the way I have two follicles.  16 mm on the right and an 18 mm on the left.  Or vice versa.  Again two follicles, both ovaries natural cycle.  Now I just have to hope that I'll get a good egg out of this.  I have more hope because it is taking me longer to ovulate with anything being past CD11 representing better quality eggs than before.

I'm in the window.  Excited.  Happy.  Hopeful.

Wish us luck!

Going Blind

Stray cat on the main island of San Juan.  J and I actually went to the animal shelter on San Juan to inquire on how to take care of the stray animals in our neighborhood.  We were told to get in touch with our shelter/clinic here and ask for a trap so that we could bring them in for a check up.  So I guess just random feeding of the stray cats is not a good thing.  As soon as we get a chance we'll stop by the vet clinic here and ask about their have a heart traps and why we need them.

Before I get into the title of my blog post for today I'll say that I took some much needed me time for myself today and dyed my hair.  I'll get back to work later today.  I'm trying to make as much stock as possible for my shop for the holiday season.  I like to give my customer base a nice choice of items.  J finally finished another chain maille bracelet that I'll be photographing and posting at a later date.  I have more jewelry and baby items to list too.

I forgot to take a picture of the roast last night.  J was fairly salivating last night as he walked in the door.  I have to admit, though I'm not a beef eater in general, it did smell good.  It tasted even better. 

J actually helped with the making of the gravy.  After I removed the roast from the dutch oven and strained out the vegetables I prepped the corn starch with the water and added it to the drippings of the marinade.  J was more than happy to stir until it came to a slight boil and thickened.  He has never made gravy from scratch before but doesn't mind learning.  Truly he isn't a gravy person at all but he does love my sauces.  Not sure what he was used to at home, maybe the jar stuff?  I know my mom would often make up the jar stuff too.

I boiled down and mashed up red skin potatoes to go with the braised beef, carrots, and onions.  Plenty of leftovers for J to nosh on tonight and tomorrow from the 4 pound roast.  Hey the meat was reduced for quick sale so I couldn't pass up the 50% off price.

Okay I guess I procrastinated enough on the post title.  So okay I'm going blind.  Don't panic I'm not going to.  It isn't going to happen fully for a long time, or I hope it won't.

I have two blind spots in the left eye.  I rather knew they were there as well I can't see out of the two spots!
My buried optic disc drusen is slowly progressing.  I now have a thin spot on both eyes with a thickening on the opposite side.  The calcification hasn't gotten worse yet but I do have to go back in a year to make sure things aren't getting even worse.

Here are a few links on the subject to tickle your brain:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/22446716

http://bmctoday.net/glaucomatoday/2012/02/article.asp?f=optic-disc-drusen

http://www.albanyeyecare.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=eyecyclopedia.main&Criteria=Results&ID=194

Because I'm still young, not yet 60 when this usually hits, and the fact that my father is blind in both eyes the optometrist is worried.  Seriously there is nothing I can do about this.  Why should I worry.  I take plenty of vitamins and try to eat healthy.  Sometimes shitty things just happen. 

If I go blind at age 90 I'll be content in knowing that I've seen most everything I want to see in life.  1.6% progression rate is normal.  So it will hopefully be a while before I do lose my vision entirely.

Beef Braised in Port

No photo to show because it is still marinating in the port but tonight I am going to make for dinner a beef pot roast from Julia Child's cookbook.

Yay me!

I'm exhausted from having to walk to the hospital and back for my eye appointment yesterday.  Remember I have a sprained ankle and started my physical therapy for it this week.

J had better appreciate me doing his laundry and cooking for him tonight.  I'm doing my best since I'm ovulating to make it a very happy environment for him by not asking him to do overmuch that is taxing.  Okay so I'm wearing myself out to make sure everything is suitable for him.

Bad news for this week.  J can't go with me to the RE appointment on Friday.  He is too busy with work like the last two appointments.  Not much can be done about that.  However, I told him I need the car this time with the weather being rather off of late.  Yesterday on the way home the cold rain was a bit much for me to be walking in.

I guess it is a good thing that I have a general power of attorney.   I might just need that document to sign for his half on Friday if they think an IUI is just the trick for this cycle.  My opk this morning was rather dark but not so dark as I could say today was the day.  I'm hoping that my body holds out until at least day 11 as it will mean better quality eggs.

If I remember I'll take a photo of the roast tonight and post it tomorrow but I don't guarantee anything.  So I'll leave you with a photo of myself to gawk and laugh at.  Enjoy.

As you can see I'm hugging a Madrona tree.  I'm wearing lots of layers and its still cold with the wind.  Yes, I've been known to hug a few trees in my time.  Try it yourself some time and listen closely, you might just hear that living spirit in the tree.

San Juan day 3 and the Review

I had to make J pose like this in front of the lime kilns at Roche Harbor Resort.  I saw some females doing just this pose two days before and it was rather fun to mock them.

I expect for what we paid for the room for two nights to have a clean room.  Not have black mold growing in the shower.

Call me picky I don't like finding trash in the chairs where the maids didn't clean up after the former tenants.

Trash on the floor near the light that wasn't working.  We probably wouldn't have noticed the trash there if we hadn't of been trying to get the lamp near the couch to actually work.

Oh hey this is a cool cabinet I'll check to see what is in it.  I find the pull out bed, a huge spider that scurried off and more trash.

The fridge only froze things.  Can you see the ice build up?

Inside our room were several cobwebs with bugs hanging in them.

Nice huh?

When I got into the toilet room there was only 1/4 roll of toilet paper on the cylinder and no spare rolls.  J had to call and get some delivered.

Next day we went out and they didn't clean the room before 1400 hours and when they did they still didn't vacuum nor make the bed.  They did replace the towels and soaps.  Big deal.
When we checked out we complained.  They offered us a lunch coupon at the cafe and we said no thanks.  The cafe they work with isn't the best food in town.  I think MREs are much more tasty than the stuff served in the cafe.

Thoroughly disappointed with the Roche Harbor Resort.  I would not recommend the place to anyone unless they were only sight-seeing not staying over.

We ate at both the Lime Kiln Cafe and the McMillian house restaurant.  The first was over priced and lacking flavor except for grease.  The McMillian cafe was over priced but did have flavor so that was worth it in a pinch on a Tuesday night after a long day of sight-seeing.

I would like to go back and visit the island once again but I won't be staying at Roche Harbor again unless their living conditions change for the better.

Here are a few more photos of why I wouldn't stay there unless they fix some issues:

The paint is peeling up above the light socket in the bathroom.

Painted over rotting boards on our deck.  Is that really safe?

Cracked tile in the heated flooring near the tub.  Oh that really makes me want to stand there with wet feet.

Even at our discount rate we still paid with tax over $300 for the two nights there.  Maybe this sounds harsh but I've had better accommodations at less pricey places; think chain motels.

There is my rant review of Roche Harbor Resort.  It is a nice place to sight-see but I wouldn't recommend staying there under these conditions. 
When we checked out we took some of the trash from the room that was there when we got there, the stuff from the chair and floor, and put it in the housekeeping tip envelope and presented it to the check out clerk.  That is when she said we should have reported it before.  Well we did call and complain the room was not clean the day before.  Guess it went unnoticed when the clerk on duty on Wednesday said they were short staffed.  We were offered a compensation of Lunch at the Lime Kiln Cafe as I said earlier.  Not unless it comes with a roll of Rolaids for dessert was my thought that I didn't share.

San Juan Day 2 American Camp

After walking up hill and then back down of course, no one to carry me alas, my left knee, hip, and foot were killing me.  I have physical therapy today for the issues.  Our next step was to make it to the car and drive from the English Camp to the other end of the island to the American Camp.

Distant shot of the American Camp.  Most of the buildings have been rebuilt or salvaged.

I have never seen a black fox before J took this picture at the American Camp.  It was beautiful.

J sitting on a Madrona tree.

Lighthouse at Lime Kiln State Park on the Island.
I have more pictures and probably a rant post about the Roche Harbor Resort still to post.  But for now this is it for today.

ICLW

This is the very first I Come Leave We in which I have participated.  I'm 43 years old.  4 miscarriages, 5 lost babies that are recorded.  The first pregnancy was a twin pregnancy in 1996 but miscarried at 10wks 6 days.

 I realize that the ones that follow me every day will most likely get bored with what I have to say so I'll include some pictures where applicable.

I have stage III endometriosis.  Surgery was 6/6/2012.  Hopefully it hasn't all grown back now.  And yes these are the pictures of my insides.  I have more and have shared them back in June.

Two pairs of cute socks I bought for myself when I started the IUIs with clomid in 2010.  Nope not even cute socks helped.

"JR", the only embryo from our first IVF.  Ended in a chemical pregnancy.

"Hope" was the name of the single embryo from our second IVF.  This one too ended in a chemical pregnancy.

Inbetween the two IVFs we had a natural pregnancy that ended in a chemical.


I'm back to doing natural cycles but monitored and possibly this cycle I'm currently in will be an IUI with progesterone support.  We are really hopeful that with progesterone support I'll have a better chance of carrying.  Last month I had an undocumented chemical pregnancy.  I ovulated from both ovaries on my own.  This month I'm getting the same twinges from both ovaries I had last month.  Last month was documented with three follicles, one on one side and two on the other via ultrasound imaging with spontaneous ovulation noted through P4 though P4 was on the low side.

San Juan Day 2 English Camp

Our first full day on San Juan we went exploring.  I had in advanced picked out two sites that I wanted to investigate.  First was the English Camp. 

I've always wanted a garden in this style and hope to have one some day.  Again at the English Camp on the island.

J and I had a lot of walking to do to get to the English Camp's cemetery.  We had to cross a highway and walk uphill for half a mile.  No wonder my left ankle was aching bad.  More on that for another day.  When we got to the cemetery I saw that all the Canadian flags had been knocked clean out of their holes.  So being a nice person that I am I up-righted three of them and had J fix the fourth.  They may not be my nation's flag but I still respect what the represent.

English Camp cemetery
Tomorrow I'll post pictures of the American Camp and maybe a light house or two soon there after.

Recovering From The Trip

J and I just spent two night and three days up on the island of San Juan in Washington State.  While the exterior beauty of the Roche Harbor Resort was a delight to be remembered what lies beyond that door is another post for another day.

I'm exhausted.  Last night we didn't get home until 2230 hours.  Two accidents on I-5 Southbound made the three hour trip home into a five hour annoyance.

Why is it that J and I have no problem driving in ice, snow, hail and heavy rain but that some people just don't have the skills like paying attention to weather conditions?  A semi jack-knifed on I-5 southbound near the exit for 38th street.  It not only blocked all five lanes on our side but broke through the concrete barrier and into the north bound lanes effectively shutting them down for almost an hour or longer.

Next there is another accident on I-5 south bound near the exit for 72nd street.  If you can't drive in the weather conditions around here, pull over.

View of Roche Harbor from our back deck.

Lavender plants along our walkway.

Sun setting on Roche Harbor.


More photos tomorrow when I catch up on everything around here.  I'm exhausted.  Not looking forward to physical therapy today.

Special Order

Yesterday I received my first request for a special order in my shop.  I was so delighted that this woman picked my shop.  I crafted all day yesterday and posted the booties today.

She requested a size I had yet to make in the booties, 9-12 months for her little girl.  After posting a photo of the finished project she agreed to purchase them and was very excited.

Okay so my blogging grammar and lexicon are diminishing of late.  Maybe my brain is getting tired?  I'll try to work on sharpening my brain skills so that I have better quality posts and no so many rants.

BTW, Nurse M called me back yesterday afternoon before I headed out for my dental appointment.  I spoke with her about Nurse J's rude behaviour and she said that she'll have a talk with her.

I'm to call on the first day of my next cycle and pick up my meds on Friday.  Yay! or should I say Boo!  Well I know that the hormone roller coaster is about to begin once again but J and I came to an agreement to do more medicated cycles and IUIs.  He truly does want a child and until we know if he can re-enlist donor eggs are on the shelf.

The fact that I know I had one of the the two eggs fertilize and implant, good old leftie, kind of sealed the deal with us.  I told Nurse M that I realize no one is likely to believe me about the implant but I had the symptoms for two days and they disappeared with the progesterone dropping.  Hopefully Nurse M can convince the doctor to allow me to use progesterone for two reasons.  First it will help ease the symptoms of the endometriosis and two it will help the embryo stay put.

Heading out in a few hours for my little trip to San Juan.  I'll post photos as soon as possible.  Maybe some tomorrow if I can steal J's cam and laptop away from him.

Wishing all of my followers a happy day.

As If They Care

I have lost five recorded babies.  I care.  Maybe there are some out there that don't care.  I know I found one horrible person today that doesn't care. 

Today I called for my HCG results.  It was negative.  Another lost cycle.  I asked Nurse J what the number was and she said is was just a yes or no qualitative.  I knew she wouldn't put me in for a beta.  Why is she such a rotten nurse?

Nurse J was rude.  She acted like she was sick of hearing me call the office for results and pleading for appointments.  Lt.Col. B. won't be back until January.  So much for only three months away.  I swear things are better when he is there.

I pleaded with Nurse J for an appointment for two weeks after my period will start.  She said the soonest she can get me for a follow up appointment is November 6th. 

I pleaded with her to at least be allowed to do blood work to see if I ovulate next cycle.  She said it is up to the doctor.  Well duh, but she could at least have been nice and said she'll talk to him and call me back. Nurse M or Nurse S would have been nice to me and even tried to get me in earlier.

 I said that because my endometriosis pain is so bad during my bleed that I would like to see about doing progesterone support for two weeks directly after ovulation.  I said that it helped with the pain before.  Again I WILL HAVE TO ASK THE DOCTOR.  What happened to the nurse being the one that will do the leg work.  It isn't like I have the number to the doctor's line where he will be the only one to pick up.  Oh I have the number but Nurse J will always grab it first and decide if it can be forwarded or not.

I'm so tired of fighting for my reproductive rights.  I want a baby. 

I did explain to Nurse J that I want to do donor eggs but I am not sure when I'll be able to do so.  I told her that I know that the endo is growing back and that because donor eggs are so expensive I don't want to lose the baby to the endo because of it growing back.  Stone cold silence. She didn't care. 

I am not a lost cause with pregnancy.  I am 43.  If Michelle Duggar can still make a baby at 43 and one at 45, yes I know she lost that one, then there is no reason why I can't make one too.  Nurse J shouldn't write me off if Dr.C. thinks I still have a good chance of making one on my own without donor eggs.

As for reporting Nurse J, I did report her to three of the doctors and two of the nursing staff this past spring.  Nurse J was nice to me for about two weeks after reporting her.  Now she is back to being a rotten nurse.

I'm starting to have the attitude of "I want to get pregnant to show her and shut her up".

I'm getting tired of arguing with this nurse that I need progesterone support.  Two months in a row of low progesterone numbers 7DPO should tell  the RE staff  that I need progesterone if only to make the endo symptoms less.  Funny Dr. S., the newest doctor, said she would like me on progesterone.  Now Nurse J, two cycles ago says that she only meant if I wasn't going to try.  Well true but Dr.S. also suggested it to ease my symptoms too.

Right now the cramps are killing me and I'm not due until Wednesday.  I guess that is what happens when the embryo decides to implant then can't be supported.  Two months in a row now.  No I'm not counting the past two cycles as part of my 5 I've lost.  I probably should but I just can't face a number that is now reaching ten for every time I've ovulated, felt it implant only to lose it before the lab work.  It hurts too much to think of.  Besides it is only my word that the embryo implanted for a few days then died.  I didn't have an IVF to even prove there was an embryo there.

J and I were talking about doing an IUI next cycle.  If they can't get me in until my third week of my cycle I don't see how that will be possible.  I just called and left a message for Nurse M.  Hopefully she will be the one to call me back.

I'm Calling It

My throat is sore.  J and I both took a look at it this morning and it is raw with swollen tonsils.  This makes what?  3 or 4 days of this?  If I still have it when I get back from San Juan I'll make an appointment to get it looked at.

I'm feeling quite miserable.  I really watched my food intake yesterday and some how I gained back 0.6 pounds of the 2 pounds I lost in two days.  It had to be the low sodium nuts.  I ate half a can and at 45 mg per serving and 4.5 servings I guess my body decided to revolt.  I knew I was sodium sensitive but not that sensitive.

I can still lose weight easily enough if I just watch the sodium.  I can eat piles of junk food as long as the sodium content is low.   My doctors do know about this problem with my body.  It is most likely the reason why I have high blood pressure.

This cycle, however well the doctor said it was quite promising, is at its end.  I've started spotting.  The kind of spotting that any gal who has endometriosis can associate with a new cycle getting ready to start.  I always start spotting a few days before it starts.

I even started to pass small brown clots.  I can only guess how horrifying this new cycle will be when it starts fully.  I have a 12 mm lining to shed.  I've already started with some cramping.

I guess I might as well get the HCG test done tomorrow.  Nurse J never puts me in for the beta type she just puts me in for the qualitative yes or no blood test.  When I call for the results I'll schedule a mid cycle ultrasound to see what is going on again.  Well I hope at least they haven't written me off yet and will allow me to have the mid cycle test.  I'll ask if I can chat about options.  I need to keep my options open.  I need to know where this is going.

Nurse J is also the one that never gives me wipes or a paper to clean up after the ultrasound.  Nurse J is not a nice nurse.

Oh and some how I lost a follower overnight.  Lovely.  Just when I need the support.

Time For A Rant

This is so true.  I'm cranky today.  All I wanted was a decent nights sleep and a positive on the HPT.  Well I kind of figured that yesterday with all the symptoms I had disappearing, including the tightness in the womb feeling, that I would get a negative today.  Sure enough I got a negative.

Thank you to J for mucking up my implantation time with your little stunt.  Really!  I'm not happy with you right now.  I won't go into what he did because that is not my story to tell but seriously he is in the dog house for it and I might just make him sleep there.   I told  him how I felt this morning when he effectively denied me sleep with his snoring.  J snores on the weekends and vacations and holidays.   He  knew I needed sleep if I'm to have less pain during the day and deal more effectively with stress management especially during the precious implantation part of my cycle.  For J snoring is psychological.  If he is stressed he snores.  I'm guessing his Friday was worse than he let on.  We have had J checked out with sleep labs and there is no medical reason for his snoring.  PERIOD!  It is psychological.

This is a routine thing he likes to pull.  J, I don't think really wants to be a father.  Oh he likes the idea of being a dad but not the hands on part or so it seems.  Every time I ovulate he gets pissy.  He causes arguments making it so I either don't want sex or just want to cry through it.  Then he of course knows that in just so many days implantation starts (5-9 dpo).  Again he causes conflict.

I've sort of figured out why he does this and have asked him to stop.  If I have a baby it will mean less attention for him from me.  Well, um, helpless infant can't fend for itself!  Grow up!

This morning I woke up after two hours of sleep at 0430 hrs to take my medicine for blood pressure.  I reminded J ,"is it really wise to be stressing me out with my high blood pressure?".

My sore throat is back.  It is really raw, hurts to swallow too.  I need sleep to recover.  How am I supposed to get sleep with the sabotage going on here?  I'm at the end of my fertility years and I want a child.  I don't know if we'll be able to move on to donor eggs because we still don't know if the Army is going to keep J.

Other than J lacking husband like qualities of late he is a fine soldier.  Yes, I realize that he is under stress right now and we often  lash out at the ones we love but seriously he could be a bit more graceful about this whole process.  One would think that with the individual counseling he is receiving that with all that individual attention he would better able to process his work stress and not bring it home with him.

It is 11 days past ovulation.  I'm thinking of waiting until Tuesday morning for the HCG test and just leaving town without finding out the results.  I'm at that point where I knew by the symptoms that there was something there trying to attach.  It was the left side.  All the right side did was the release of  egg pain of ovulation.  The left side was ovulation pain and implantation pain then nothing past 9 dpo.  I want to cry.  I hate endometriosis.  Just thinking about the horrible period awaiting me on my trip to San Juan is enough to make me want to cancel it.  But again I'll just suck it up like I did for J's birthday and endo be damned I'll try to enjoy myself.

Just wishing my spouse would stop being a big smelly ass to me.

Odd Dreams and Stray Cats

I just made this particular baby hat yesterday and felt like I had to list it this morning.  It is preemie to newborn size in a grey marl and baby blue stripe with the grey marl rosette on top.  It can be found in my shop for sale as of today.

I made it thinking of a particular blogger that suggest I make one in blue and grey.  J just loves this hat.  Wonder if he'll want me to make him the adult version of it next.

My dreams were really odd last night.  I was pregnant, maybe 5 months, but my cousin who had a hysterectomy was was near her due date and throwing a pool party too in the dream. 

I must have baby on the brain.  I know I don't have a baby in me yet because the HPTs keep showing negative.  Well it is still early.  My blood test isn't until Tuesday but I won't be around for those results so I'm bumping it up to Monday.  Hopefully that doesn't screw things up.  No real symptoms.

Today I saw another stray cat in the neighborhood.  I have seen the orange and buff colored one in over a week.  This one was a skinny black and white kitty.  Why aren't they being better taken care of.  They are almost always on the other side of the street too.  No they don't belong to my neighbors since their cats I know by color and they are kept indoors. 

The weather is getting too cold overnight for these cats to be wandering around looking for shelter.

Fattening Up the Calves

I posted a grey preemie baby hat in my shop this morning.  I think it is quite fitting since it is a grey kind of day.

We are due for some rain.  My pulled groin muscle twice more this week, including last night, reminded me that I'm moving too fast and too often.  All I did was make dinner from scratch last night.  Who would have thought standing that long would have irritated the injury.

Because the standing my calves are swelling up.  I have put on two pounds this week.  Too much sodium in my diet.  I can't believe that I have gained 16 pounds this year.  I swear all I have to do is look at a cracker, potato chip, or the salt grinder and my calves swell.

Speaking of swelling.  Okay yes, I'm complaining today.  Is that any different than usual?  Perhaps that is why I don't have over 100 followers?  I found out last night when J and went to hug and kiss upon his arrival home last night that my left side of my jaw line hurts.  I checked it out and my left gland is swollen.  I followed up the palpation by an oral exam with flashlight and sure enough the tonsil is sticking out into my throat quite a bit.  Ah damn, the head cold is winning.

Symptoms:
fatigue
cough
post nasal drip
headache
tender breasts  (PMS)
minor cramping of and on (PMS)

AF should be here just in time for my trip to San Juan.  Lovely.

Think I'll go watch some television today while I crochet and just wallow in my misery.  I hate head colds especially while other parts of me are injured.

The Black Count

War!  Revolution!  They bring on many changes. Families get uprooted, religions change, rules are made to suppress the citizens.  Because of so much turmoil my family has often moved around between France, England and Canada.

While working on a long and in depth genealogy project while living in Germany I discovered that more than one branch of my family tree decided to leave their native land for better prospects elsewhere.  Children left their parents to seek their fortunes in more fertile lands.

On my mother's side the Huguenots left because of persecution.  On my father's side, I swear living near Calais, made it so from one day to the next they didn't know if they were under British or French rule.  Eventually they just gave up and moved to Canada.  Was that any better?  Not really since they settled in the the French Province of Quebec and struggled for freedom there as well.  Eventually they moved to NY.

While researching my paternal grandmother's side I found that her ancestors were primarily English with some Scots and Irish mixed in.  Borders blur and families find themselves on opposite sides of borders over night.  Sir Hugh Tirel can be traced back to William the Conquer.  No wonder Grandma was an imposing figure of a woman; it was in her genes.  Her ancestors fought in crusades.  One of her ancestors was the Prince of Poix.  No not the modern day Prince of Poix who is an offshoot of a different family entirely.

I have found that trying to figure out where I came from isn't as easy as it seems to be.  It is more than just being born.  It is hertiage.  That heritage can be passed on through adoption and not just genetics.  Discipline, teachings, familial relations, cultural influences all comprise what makes us who we are and who we will become.

Alexandre Dumas' works were heavily influenced by his father, also named Alexandre Dumas. In the biography The Black Count, author Tom Reiss tells how Dumas went from slavery to become the equivalent of a five star general in the French military. Join From Left to Write on October 11 as we discuss the The Black Count. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

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The 7th Day test

I had the P4 7DPO test done today.  Today is 7dpo and CD 19.  Other than some minor twinges on the left side of my uterus and left ovary I have nothing noticeable for symptoms.  Well headache and fatigue but those are probably from allergies and well heck, I have fibromyalgia so when am I not tired?

Progesterone was 10.14

Better than last month of 9.73 but still not all that good.

I did ovulate.  That is about all I can say from that test score.  Probably won't get anything to stick.  On to the next cycle.

I'll test in a few days to see if I have anything exciting to report on the HCG.  Doubtful but one never knows.

A Little Bitter

I posted this newborn to three months sized baby hat in my shop today.  Yesterday I finished up a grey one that I'll soon post too.

Okay I don't get it.  I'm a little bitter about the whole situation.  I just found out that a fellow blogger is 14 weeks pregnant from her last FET.  I'm really happy for her but I'm bitter because she has felt like she needs to hide it from the blogging community.

What have we infertiles become?  Why is it that when one of us gets pregnant we get all pissy?

Seriously I've lost four pregnancies, 5 babies.  Every one of them was special to me no matter how long they were there for.  But seriously I'm not going to get pissed just because some other woman got pregnant after suffering through a long infertile journey.  I wouldn't want my infertile friends to be upset just because I got pregnant.  No, I would hope that they would be happy for me too.

While in the two week wait during my IVFs I was afraid to announce that I had success.  I would only state that I saw a faint line and it could be nothing.  It was never nothing.  I too was afraid of the possible hate comments that many have been known to post.  A fellow female infertile blogger, that now has twins, told me what she went through the first time she was pregnant.  I was afraid to be excited.  I'm saddened now that looking back on those blog posts I didn't jump with joy when I saw the two pink lines.  I should have celebrate even a short lived miracle.

Where has the support gone?  Just because someone got pregnant this cycle while doing treatments or had a natural pregnancy after trying for years and years shouldn't mean that we devalue their happiness.  It doesn't mean just because they are pregnant it won't happen for us either.

Yes, I too was bitter when back in 1996 after having to have a D&C a close friend comes over and announced she was pregnant.  I should have been happy for her since she had lost so many and had been trying for years.  But yes, she too could have been a little bit nicer about the announcement and waited a day or two after I got home to tell me.

I do feel right in being bitter though when teenage pregnancy occurs that isn't wanted.  Especially when the teenager didn't care to use protection, doesn't have a job, isn't married so that someone responsible besides the soon to be grandparents can support the baby.  I'm bitter that they decide to keep the baby when so many would love to have that baby to raise.

Just this past week a friend of my husband's became a grandparent.  His teenage daughter gave birth.  His daughter was still in school and I hope she goes back to high school after she is well enough to finish her degree.  Oh and should I say, probably not, that her parents are on public assistance because they fell on hard times.  Way to go teenage daughter, burden your parents with yet another mouth to feed.  Don't judge me for my thoughts.  The girl's boyfriend is in the picture but is also not able to support the new mouth.  So who ends up supporting them?  The tax payers.  Think about that for a minute. 25- 45k for adoption of a US born baby when we have so many on public assistance.  How is that fair?

Nothing is ever fair.  Drop the fairly tale you've been reading.  Suck it up and drive on.  Support your friends when they are pregnant and stop complaining already about how you think it's not fair that they got pregnant on their first IVF, IUI, FET or medicated cycle.  Shit happens.  Secretly you know you wish it were you and you'd want their support so don't forget to give it them.

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Happiness is Making a Sale

I listed this pretty Yellow and Binkie print striped baby 0-3 months size crocheted hat in my shop this morning.

I woke up to a sale over night.  It made me smile of course to know that someone out there likes what I make enough to want to purchase  the item.

I've always had an inferiority complex growing up.  What ever I did was never good enough for my family.  It wasn't me that was the problem but the fact that they were hard to please.

Yesterday I made the above hat and I made this hat too.  I kept really busy.  Usually I can only make one hat a day with everything else I have to get done.  I put in more hours yesterday on crafting and less on the internet promoting.

The most time consuming part of having a small business is the advertising.  I would rather spend more time crafting.  With that in mind it looks as though I'm going to end up paying out for advertising so that I can spend more time creating.

I'm not being cheap. I'm being frugal. I have a really small business and I want to keep the overhead costs down.  I think it is also being wise to rationalize the business expenses and remind myself of the goal of using the funds to pay for donor eggs or adoption.  However, with the holidays almost upon us I have rationalized that having an advertising budget would be quite wise so that I can keep up with the potential client requests.

Well it is time for me to finish up this post and get back to the advertising and creating portion of my daily program.   Wishing everyone out there much happiness today.

Make A Muscle

I added this cute newborn to three months size baby hat to my shop this morning.  It is the Giggle Pint by RH baby soft.

Well my groin muscle is feeling much better.  I managed to go out and buy some more yarn yesterday.  Just another 6 skeins.  I was good.  Mostly boy colors this time.  I bought 12 skeins last week.  I really do have a yarn addiction. 

I didn't realize that I was totally sold out of new born size hats in my shop.  I've been working on the preemie sizes all last week so that I can add one new hat a day.  I have two more new born hats that I can add in the next few days then I'll add some more preemie sized ones.  But I will continue to make more new born ones to even out the numbers in the shop.

My left hand is still messed up.  I'm not sure what happened to it.  But I think I might have disjointed the middle finger at the metacarpal joint.  There is pressure on the ring finger as well since it's so far back.  Swollen enough that putting my wedding rings on is a chore so I'll leave them off for a few days.  If the finger isn't better by Tuesday I'll see about making an appointment  with my PCM.  I've disjointed fingers before in volleyball back in high school.  Probably should tape the ring and middle finger together so that they bend together supported but that will get in the way of my crochet.  It hurts to grasp items with the left hand.  Thought about soaking my left hand in warm water but that will most likely just increase my trips to the bathroom.  LOL.

Now that is the arm of a strong soldier.  J has been careful with which muscle groups he has been working due to the lower back pain.  He is fine with upper body and can crack out 62 push ups with no problem in less than 2 minutes.    He has to be careful with the leg work as it pulls on the lower body.  Sad to see the leg muscles aren't as defined as they once were.  But still a nice drool factor for me.  If only I could have sex during the two week wait...you know it is off limits though.

Sorry getting distracted by the muscles.  His abs are really nice too but I'll not be photographing those and sharing them without his permission.