Saturday, October 13, 2012

Time For A Rant

This is so true.  I'm cranky today.  All I wanted was a decent nights sleep and a positive on the HPT.  Well I kind of figured that yesterday with all the symptoms I had disappearing, including the tightness in the womb feeling, that I would get a negative today.  Sure enough I got a negative.

Thank you to J for mucking up my implantation time with your little stunt.  Really!  I'm not happy with you right now.  I won't go into what he did because that is not my story to tell but seriously he is in the dog house for it and I might just make him sleep there.   I told  him how I felt this morning when he effectively denied me sleep with his snoring.  J snores on the weekends and vacations and holidays.   He  knew I needed sleep if I'm to have less pain during the day and deal more effectively with stress management especially during the precious implantation part of my cycle.  For J snoring is psychological.  If he is stressed he snores.  I'm guessing his Friday was worse than he let on.  We have had J checked out with sleep labs and there is no medical reason for his snoring.  PERIOD!  It is psychological.

This is a routine thing he likes to pull.  J, I don't think really wants to be a father.  Oh he likes the idea of being a dad but not the hands on part or so it seems.  Every time I ovulate he gets pissy.  He causes arguments making it so I either don't want sex or just want to cry through it.  Then he of course knows that in just so many days implantation starts (5-9 dpo).  Again he causes conflict.

I've sort of figured out why he does this and have asked him to stop.  If I have a baby it will mean less attention for him from me.  Well, um, helpless infant can't fend for itself!  Grow up!

This morning I woke up after two hours of sleep at 0430 hrs to take my medicine for blood pressure.  I reminded J ,"is it really wise to be stressing me out with my high blood pressure?".

My sore throat is back.  It is really raw, hurts to swallow too.  I need sleep to recover.  How am I supposed to get sleep with the sabotage going on here?  I'm at the end of my fertility years and I want a child.  I don't know if we'll be able to move on to donor eggs because we still don't know if the Army is going to keep J.

Other than J lacking husband like qualities of late he is a fine soldier.  Yes, I realize that he is under stress right now and we often  lash out at the ones we love but seriously he could be a bit more graceful about this whole process.  One would think that with the individual counseling he is receiving that with all that individual attention he would better able to process his work stress and not bring it home with him.

It is 11 days past ovulation.  I'm thinking of waiting until Tuesday morning for the HCG test and just leaving town without finding out the results.  I'm at that point where I knew by the symptoms that there was something there trying to attach.  It was the left side.  All the right side did was the release of  egg pain of ovulation.  The left side was ovulation pain and implantation pain then nothing past 9 dpo.  I want to cry.  I hate endometriosis.  Just thinking about the horrible period awaiting me on my trip to San Juan is enough to make me want to cancel it.  But again I'll just suck it up like I did for J's birthday and endo be damned I'll try to enjoy myself.

Just wishing my spouse would stop being a big smelly ass to me.




10 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thanks Sonja. I had J read out loud your list of helpful things a partner could do for someone with chronic illness. He still doesn't understand what to do. For a smart guy he really can be stupid.

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  2. Your post really hit close to home. I am sorry you are going through this - I have been there and its not fun.

    What you describe as J's behaviour is how my ex-husband used to be. He too would say he wanted to be a father but was never willing to do the "deed". He would tell me it was stessing him out, sometimes he would tell me to tell him when I ovulate then when I did he would say he cannot perform "on demand" and we would invariably quarrel just when I was ovulating so we would not even want to do it. It was a standard monthly drama - I just got so sick of it. And even though I explained that my eggs had a finite life, he never quite understood the reason why each month was an opprtunity to try.

    I hope you feel better physically too.

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    1. I read out loud to J what you wrote. It seems like when it is seen through someone's eyes, besides mine, he'll pay attention more.

      This cycle is a bust. The spotting started tonight.

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  3. Sorry you're having a hard time with J. I wonder if maybe he feels stressed and pressured about performing, or that he's letting you down? It could be a combination of everything... either way, he needs to be nicer to you and help create a less stressful environment because it's hard to tackle everything along. Hang in there, hope things get better.

    Oh, A is a snorer with an amazing ability to fall asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. Meanwhile I lay there and wait for sleep to find me... and wait... and get annoyed with his snoring... wait some more... I've been dealing with insomnia since I was a teenager, but his snoring doesn't help.

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    1. The expression, "put a sock in it" is mighty tempting at times. Hopefully he allows me to get some sleep tonight. I'm revving up for a new cycle with new chances and new hopes. I'm hoping he doesn't screw this one up.

      Oh and it isn't stress so much as fear for him of responsibility of a human that can't take care of itself.

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  4. I am so sorry Rebecca, husbands can be so exasperating. I'm sending you huge hugs for this last cycle and big hope for the next one. I think men can be such huge babies sometimes! My husband is leaving for a men's retreat because he's been so "stressed"! Really?!! They couldn't last 5 minutes in our shoes! Thinking of you xx

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    1. Your husband is going on a retreat now? Last cycle looks like a total bust.

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  5. Ever since my husband and I started dating in 08 all he wanted was for us to get married and have TONS of babies.... We got married and had a son and he wanted NOTHING more than to have nothing to do with either of us!! The idea of being a husband and a father made him feel like he would be a man. In all reality, he didnt want either. A lot of men take their responsiblities of as a father deeply and are very worried about becoming fathers. A lot of men feel that becoming a father is one of the final tests of their man hood. Idk if that is the case with J or not. I am not saying what he is doing is ok but maybe some words of encouragment on how he'd be a great father.

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    1. There are days where I think he would be a wonderful father but then there are days I have my doubts. The doubt days are like today when he acts so stupid that I have to be curt with him and people stare at me like I'm some sort of bitch. I had blood drawn today and the tech didn't apply the bandage so it would stick. I left the lab with J and walked into the enclosed area between the two buildings. I took off my jacket and asked J to help me with the bandage and he acted all stupid. It isn't like I can fix the darn thing myself and make it stick. Then since it lost some of its stickyness on reapplication of the stretch stuff J acted like I could put my own jacket back on without his assistance and bend my arm to do so. He saw me struggling and I did ask. It took almost shouting to make him help. Where his brain is today I don't know.

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