Okay I don't get it. I'm a little bitter about the whole situation. I just found out that a fellow blogger is 14 weeks pregnant from her last FET. I'm really happy for her but I'm bitter because she has felt like she needs to hide it from the blogging community.
What have we infertiles become? Why is it that when one of us gets pregnant we get all pissy?
Seriously I've lost four pregnancies, 5 babies. Every one of them was special to me no matter how long they were there for. But seriously I'm not going to get pissed just because some other woman got pregnant after suffering through a long infertile journey. I wouldn't want my infertile friends to be upset just because I got pregnant. No, I would hope that they would be happy for me too.
While in the two week wait during my IVFs I was afraid to announce that I had success. I would only state that I saw a faint line and it could be nothing. It was never nothing. I too was afraid of the possible hate comments that many have been known to post. A fellow female infertile blogger, that now has twins, told me what she went through the first time she was pregnant. I was afraid to be excited. I'm saddened now that looking back on those blog posts I didn't jump with joy when I saw the two pink lines. I should have celebrate even a short lived miracle.
Where has the support gone? Just because someone got pregnant this cycle while doing treatments or had a natural pregnancy after trying for years and years shouldn't mean that we devalue their happiness. It doesn't mean just because they are pregnant it won't happen for us either.
Yes, I too was bitter when back in 1996 after having to have a D&C a close friend comes over and announced she was pregnant. I should have been happy for her since she had lost so many and had been trying for years. But yes, she too could have been a little bit nicer about the announcement and waited a day or two after I got home to tell me.
I do feel right in being bitter though when teenage pregnancy occurs that isn't wanted. Especially when the teenager didn't care to use protection, doesn't have a job, isn't married so that someone responsible besides the soon to be grandparents can support the baby. I'm bitter that they decide to keep the baby when so many would love to have that baby to raise.
Just this past week a friend of my husband's became a grandparent. His teenage daughter gave birth. His daughter was still in school and I hope she goes back to high school after she is well enough to finish her degree. Oh and should I say, probably not, that her parents are on public assistance because they fell on hard times. Way to go teenage daughter, burden your parents with yet another mouth to feed. Don't judge me for my thoughts. The girl's boyfriend is in the picture but is also not able to support the new mouth. So who ends up supporting them? The tax payers. Think about that for a minute. 25- 45k for adoption of a US born baby when we have so many on public assistance. How is that fair?
Nothing is ever fair. Drop the fairly tale you've been reading. Suck it up and drive on. Support your friends when they are pregnant and stop complaining already about how you think it's not fair that they got pregnant on their first IVF, IUI, FET or medicated cycle. Shit happens. Secretly you know you wish it were you and you'd want their support so don't forget to give it them.
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I really love this post Rebecca. It is so true! I was pretty bitter for a week or so after my ivf failed, but I think that is natural. After I went through all my sorrow, anger, etc. I went back to being supportive. We all need it at different times in our journey.
ReplyDeleteWe have the right to feel bitter about our loses. But I for one know that if I became pregnant I would hope that I wouldn't have to hide my pregnancy from the blogger world. Another woman's pregnancy doesn't affect my chance to become pregnant; unless we are sharing the same guy and on the same cycle and depleting his sperm count. LOL
DeleteIt's interesting the conflicted feelings that are raised for those of us blogging in this community when we are able to finally achieve pregnancy. I blogged about my IVF cycle in detail, so of course I included my first + HPT and beta levels in that. . . but I then had mixed feelings about continuing to blog during my pregnancy and after.
ReplyDeleteI, for one, always found to be news of a pregnancy for one of my fellow IF ladies much easier to take than news of a pregnancy from the "fertiles" in my life. And even before I had children, I was generally happy for them in a way I often couldn't be for fertile friends and acquaintances.
Until I went down the infertile road I used to be happy for all women that got pregnant. I became bitter when after trying for years and then losing my first pregnancy. It did take time to heal those hurts. I've lost three more pregnancies since last year when I did my first IVF in Oct. Each one made me sad. I was angry at myself, my spouse and my doctors. I thought that perhaps more could have been done. Sometimes it does just happen for no known reason. I have the right to my anger for what happened but I don't have the right to spread anger to others that have found joy. Especially the ones that felt sorrow at my loss too.
DeleteGreat post, Rebecca!! I have read too many blogs recently about women being bitter about other people's pregnancies and finding it hard to be supportive etc, I find that really very sad.
ReplyDeleteI personally have never allowed myself to go down that path or be that person. Life is NOT subjective, we cannot compare our lives with other peoples. That is their journey and their success is NOT a reflection of my journey/success or failure. I do not get why women are bitter, its okay to feel sad about your own situation and wish you could have a similar happy news, but to be bitter and unhappy about someone else good news? That is so wrong. Well that is how I see it anyways.
If we keep feeding our anger we become a shell of who we used to be. As much as we find it cruel to say to someone that has been mourning a loss for too long they really do have to let it go before it ruins the relationships that they once held dear.
DeleteI was wondering - would it be easier not to do baby knitting for you at the moment? I know I couldn't have when I was going through treatment. Maybe you're tougher than I am, though!
ReplyDeleteIt might be easier on my hands but seriously I do have a yarn addiction. I can justify all the yarn expenses if I'm creating things for my shop to sell. Years ago I just used to say that I was making blankets for the family members. I ran out of people to give blankets to. Then I went to scarves. One Christmas every family member got a scarf. My addition is just insane. Still by making the baby hats I keep some hope that maybe I'll one day be making a hat for my own baby.
DeleteIt is unfair, and it is conflicting.
ReplyDeleteI don't post as much because I don't want to just post about my son on my blog. I keep fumbling over the same topics though, trying my best to be sensitive and yet wondering if I should bother... I lost followers after he was born, so theoretically the people who would be offended by my posts have left, right?
Before I had him, I did get bitter sometimes... it was a manifestation of my self pity. Which did run rampant at times, especially after my losses. Despite that, I never stopped following anyone because they got pregnant or had a baby. I was still happy for them, even if I was incredibly sad for me.
I always look forward to your blog posts about V and your weight loss. Wishing I could be so good about my diet and exercise.
DeleteI have guilt sometimes when I post about a pregnancy, but I just think to myself...my friends and family get to have pregnancy and mommy blogs after an easy conception...why can't I speak about mine after struggle? I do understand when a blogger holds off for a long time, especially if people she knows reads her blog and she doesn't want them to know yet. But I do wish we could celebrate with them sooner.
ReplyDeleteIt's a little painful sometimes, but usually 80% of fellow IF bloggers want to support and be happy for each other.