CD 15 A Little Darker

Today my OPK was a bit darker but still not as dark as it should be.  Maybe tomorrow?

I'm not trying to be depressing but I am realizing that even if I manage to get pregnant this cycle the odds are against me.  Even without having Stage III Endometriosis I have only a 50% chance of carrying to the 20th week.  I've explained all this to J.    To be honest I think my best bet would be not only an egg donor but a surrogate too.

On that train of thought, I know it's bad, but wouldn't it just be easier for my husband to have a fling at this point?  He would still have a child of his own.  I'm not trying to be depressing but haven't most of us just thought about this just once?

If I had a young cousin that didn't mind doing an IUI it would be great but the fact is that I don't have any young cousins.  All are either too old or too young.  My husband has cousins that are the right age but um, I think we'd have to worry about the genetics since it would be his cousins unless it is a cousin far enough out but then again I highly doubt any would volunteer to do something like this for us.  Pregnancy takes a lot out of a woman.  I had a friend volunteer her eggs two years back but her BMI puts her way above the allowable limits to make it safe for her.  Plus now she is over 35 herself.

But I can dream that I'll get pregnant this cycle, stay pregnant long enough to have a viable birthing and a child to pass on the: DNA, dreams, hopes,  and learning too?

Come April J will have to pay out of pocket to keep Tricare coverage for both of us.  Before it was more simple.  J was fully covered by his job.  We are learning just how hard this is going to be for transitioning.  I really hope he finds a good job before he leaves the service though he isn't allowed to start working for them until I think they stated 30 days after he leaves the service.

I too need to start looking for work. J will still have two years of reserves he has to fulfill but that won't pay the bills.  So I guess the only thing that I won't have to change is the name of my blog for two more years.  LOL

CD 14

CD 14 and still no dark second line.  I was hoping to do an IUI with trigger shot by now.  But my doctor decided otherwise.  To him a 16 mm follicle isn't mature enough and with the budget cuts to our clinic they can't have me come in again this week for another monitoring appointment.

I'm hoping that maybe tomorrow I'll get the dark second line.  Until then it is baby dance every other day as most of us that are trying to conceive will do.

I have a nice stress rash behind and above both of my ears.  The patch of stress rash that is on my abdomen has now returned to flesh tone but is still raised.  Mind you I've had a stress rash before.  When J decided to enlist in the Army I broke out in a nice rash on various parts of my body.  After all it is war time and was so back then, I was afraid of him getting hurt or worse.

However, I can't take the necessary medicine for the problem.  No it isn't because my clinic doesn't know,  of which they most likely wouldn't care since it is an OTC drug that works but it is because I can't take the steroid cream that I will suffer.  Those trying to conceive know quite well that steroid usage while trying is limited to a only upon death bed do you get to use it.

I can't wear my spectacles.  I'm wearing my contact lenses.  I have a sample pack of the 1 day lenses and I'm not liking them.  I'm thinking this weekend I'll put in an order for the two week ones I normally use.  I haven't purchased contact lenses in over two years.  Just never have a reason to wear them all that much until the rash.

My stress level is up enough that again last night I had the PTSD nightmares.

Written Off Part 2

This morning my RE clinic called waking me from PTSD dreams.  I'm thankful for that at least.  I finally have a few answers.

J and I weren't imagining it yesterday when it seemed as though Dr. C. was overly concerned with the costs of my care.  Our insurance is doing cut backs.  The pharmaceutical companies are no longer donating extra medicines to our hospital.  Tricare is trying to disallow anyone under the age of 65 from using it as their primary insurance coverage, which means we'll be forced to buy into another insurance program soon, and if you are using Tricare then when you need a prescription that the hospital pharmacy doesn't have you are going to pay out big.  The formulary costs are now going to be raised to a modest $14 co-pay but the non-formulary are going up to $44 per script some time next year.  So far this is just proposed but each time a hike in our co-pays has been proposed it has been passed.

My infertility clinic here has had most of their funding cut because of the government budget cuts.  No wonder their score has dropped to a 41 out of 100.

• In Vitro Fertilization (IVF)
• Gamete Intra fallopian Transfer (GIFT)
• Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI)
• Embryo Cryopreservation
• Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET)
• Intrauterine Insemination (IUI)
• Blastocyst Transfer
• Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD)    

On 17 Apr of 2009 the above services were still available but not now.  http://www.mamc.amedd.army.mil/obgyn/Reproductive_Endocrinology.htm    When I first got to Lewis IUIs were still done at the clinic or so I was told.  But when they did renovations that was dropped from their list to no longer be added back.  If I need an IUI I have to go to Seattle Reproductive Medicine.

Nurse S said that they will no longer be doing P4, E2, FSH, LH or any other blood draws because of cut backs except for betas on me monthly.  I had requested a CD3 for next cycle but they can't afford it.

Nurse S told me that they will be able to continue to help me get pregnant through natural cycles and TI.  Well um, do I really need them then?  What are they going to be able to offer me?

This isn't  my only clinic that has cut back on their services.  I can't get appointments with rheumatology,  neurology, or  pain management within my hosptial.  Actually I can get pain management outside of the hosptial if I don't mind driving 1.5 hours to get to the place that they offered me.  But rheumatology and neurology services don't exist for me now with the budget cuts.  When I first moved here I was due to see a neurologist because of a car accident I had been in two months prior.  I got denied by my insurance for treatment.  I was however able to get an MRI within a week of my doctor requesting one and at the MRI clinic on post next to the hospital.  Now I have to wait for a denial letter from MAMC Tricare and a call from an imaging place off the installation to get an MRI.  Mind you the nerve damage in my back and neck is not getting better and I'm dropping things more often.

Still Tricare is better than no insurance.  Soon I won't have insurance when J no longer has his job.  Congress has really tied the military's hands.  We aren't getting the  medical treatments for our soldiers that they desperately need even with taking away benefits from the family members.

Congress isn't opting to take a pay cut but they are saying our military is overpaid in comparison to the civilian sector.  Hmmm, $25,000.00 a year for the average E-4 is too much?  I beg to differ.

Back in the 1990's- early 2000 I would have received my dental care, though I was paying for the insurance for it, through the dental clinics on the installation.  Now they only treat the soldiers.  I go outside the fence for dental care and the costs out of pocket are crazy expensive even with my insurance.

I'm beginning to think that if the military went back to using its own clinics we might have less available appointment but a better use of our funding.  When we go outside the fence for medical care we pay extra.  It's like paying contractors to do the same jobs that the military is capable of handling.  But we are paying more out of our budget to support the local economy.

My husband explained it to me the other day.  When his office runs out of the paper and ink supplies they need to create imagery they aren't allowed to go to the Express Supply on post which is run by the government for the government workers, instead they have to go outside the fence and support the local economy which does cost more.  But they have rules they have to follow.  Nothing like tying the hands the military with more stipulations.

Hope that this long post helps unravel the confusion.  I'm thinking it won't but I tried.

Written Off

A post of venting about my RE clinic.

I know how old I am and I know quite well how old my eggs are too, thank you for telling me yet again.  However do you really think that I don't have much of a chance of getting pregnant considering the fact that I have in the past four times gotten pregnant, the last being earlier this year?

I ovulate on my own.  I'm not telling you I need fertility drugs to get pregnant.  What I'm asking you for is medication to ensure that I stay pregnant once the embryo implants.  I have endometriosis, I know what can happen full well after losing five babies.

Please don't go into telling how much the cost of the Endometrin is since I know quite well it is expensive but my insurance covers it fully and you aren't the one that would have to pay for the medicine.  Why you even suggested and decided to ignore my request and prescribe me the prometrium instead is beyond me.  Thank you doctor for being inconsiderate.  Now I have to find my way up my vaginal canal with two fingers and insert the capsule myself.  Just the very reason why I don't use non-applicator tampons, it hurts!

Thanks a lot for not coming back to my exam room with the semen analysis results.  I really appreciate you not wanting to remove your colleague, who was just chatting with you in the office, so that we could have some privacy for the result.  Giving me the results in the hallway was so professional.

It wasn't enough to insult my intelligence by reminding how old I am but now you decide that just because I have one 16 mm follicle on the right ovary, after you didn't search very hard for the left ovary even though you know it likes to develop cysts that hide behind my bladder, that you won't prescribe a trigger shot this cycle.  Again you deem it not necessary and expensive.  My insurance fully covers the trigger shot too.

IUI would be a waste of my time and money you said since at this point you told me it wouldn't matter.  So you are not saying but left unsaid that you already believe that this cycle is a bust?  Hey doc I hate to remind you but for a gal my age to still ovulate on my own is quite an achievement.  So what if I didn't produce follicles on both ovaries this cycle I did it for two cycles in a row without medication.  I think I'm allowed a slow cycle.  Oh and thanks for not wanting to order a beta in 14 days and telling me to go home and do OPKS.  You want me to use the expensive smiley face ones that aren't covered by insurance well actually none of them are covered.

I asked you when you thought I might ovulate and you had no clue.  I asked what if it happens on Saturday when you are closed.  You just tell me to call SRM and schedule an IUI if I still want one though you don't think it is necessary.

I feel so loved.  End of rant.

I notified Nurse M that I'd like a beta draw 14 days from Saturday.  She wrote it down on a scrap of paper.  Hopefully she'll put it into the computer.  I realize that I'll either have to get it done on the Friday before or wait until Monday.  I'll be testing with HPTs at home.

It is like they just wrote me off.  I really can't wait for Lt.Col.B. to get back.  Even before Dr.C. examined me I told him that I've been getting a lot of pain on the left side.  He ignored me so I didn't bother to tell him that it is hurting after I pee again because he would probably order a urine test to check for a bladder infection of which I don't have.  I've had two of those before.  I won't forget those symptoms.  This feels more like Endo pain.

So this cycle is a bust.  I'll not be celebrating the holidays with at BFP.  My doctor has no faith what so ever in my ovaries and uterus but they won't come out with testing that I need for a possible solution as to why I could be losing pregnancies except to blame it on Endo.  If you blame it on endometriosis you get written off.  I hit the magic number of 42 last year and they started to ignore me then.

Douglas Adams had it right with 42.
I have the question for his answer of 42.

At what age are you written off by the RE?

42!

Forgot to mention it is CD12 and my endometrial stripe is already 9.1, nice and plush!

Walking In Water

0730 hrs I had my schedule appointment with my doctor of physical therapy.  J was able to go with me to the appointment.  First time he has been with me to an appointment in several months.  I swear we had to beg time for the IUI.  Can't really do it without him, or could I?

Physical therapy has been changed for me.  No longer will I be doing weight bearing exercises.  I guess from the physical exam today my foot has gotten worse.  I told Dr.A-Z.  about the low D3.  She was very concerned.

I'm to start pool therapy next week.  I could have started tomorrow but I'll hopefully be doing an IUI sometime later this week.  Tomorrow is my ultrasound.

On the ovary front: I've been getting twinges of pain from both sides.  Hoping that that both ovaries are again wanting to produce on this non-medicated cycle.

Not sure how water aerobics will affect my cycles.  It has been four years since I've done this particular exercise.
I actually remember using this type of belt last time I did water aerobics.

Wedding Day

Just a short note.  J and I are off to be with family again today.  There is a wedding today. 

If I remember to take a camera along, ever forgetful, I'll post some photos.  J brought his camera along for Thanksgiving and took not one photo.

Hope every one has a pleasant Saturday.

A Journey Of Thanks

Twist, turn, left then back right.  The narrow black top curved back upon itself before we reached the destination we had in store.  Upon the winding road a once bubbling stream has swelled over its banks. Rushing noises seeping through the car's windows.  To the left a small waterfall that was almost dried up this summer now pounds the rocks below.  Ferns so green they glistened like emerald dew drops in the morning's mist ribbon the winding road on either side.

Crunch, skitter, creek the car came to halt on the the crushed stone driveway.  We are here at last.  Alighting from the car I tell J that I'll make sure the cat stays away from where J is trying to back into a spot.  Poor Benny, poor, poor Benny.  He is loved to death by the end of the day and looking for a hiding spot from all these strangers.

Oh no, Lucky!  Lucky, a black Labrador retriever is a Hurricane Katrina survivor.  I've forgotten about how he doesn't take to men in hats.  The red velvet, white faux fur trimmed cap with the antlers is too much for the dog.  He growls at J.  Getting down on knees in front of Lucky I reassure him that it is only us.  Later J and the dog are playing wildly with Lucky's toys.

J parks the car and we unpack the many boxes and bags to take into the house.  I've begun the ritualistic cleaning out of excess from our house that I do every time we get ready to move.  This trip only one box of  books will be given away.  Next box is the pie I slaved over.  Finally the last packages are in the house.

The family is gathered in the kitchen.  The smells of garlic turkey, and pies pervade the air.  We bow our heads while D says a prayer.  Aunt J states that there will be no throwing of the green beans this year since they are cooked in bacon.  Pleasant memories of holidays past wind through my mind with the thought of the inevitable food fight that ensue shortly after the food has hit the plates.  I can testify  with no guilt that I did not throw food this year.  I've been good for the past two years.

The night wound down with a Nerf gun fight amongst the men of the clan, professional photos (I am camera shy and declined), and desserts for those that wanted some.

Finding a bit of solace with dog on the settee I gather my thoughts.  Where did the years go?  This was our last Thanksgiving with this kin.  Next year I have no clue where we will be or with who we'll be sharing the holidays.  With not a few tears in my eyes I close them and give thanks for family.

Kill The Pumpkin and ICLW

Ride of the Valkyries to the wording of kill the rabbit by Elmer Fudd is going through my mind except Elmer Fudd is singing Kill the Pumpkin in places.  The small pumpkin saw its last days a whole fruit yesterday.

I cooked the pumpkin down, made my own pie shell and baked the beast.  Here are the recipes I used:

From a 1951 copy of Meta Given's Modern Encyclopedia of Cooking vol.2.

Cooking Fresh Pumpkin.  5 lb pumpkin equals a No.2 can of pumpkin meat.  I sliced the pumpkin in half and greased the cut sides of the pumpkin, not removing seeds.  Placing it in a preheated 400 degree F. oven for 50 minutes.    After baking I scooped out the seeds and stringy matter setting it aside.  Into the food mill ( that sieve thing with the wooden bat) went the rest of the pumpkin meat minus the skins.  After a half hour of working it out into the bowl with the orange stuff in it I was ready for the next step.  Oh I had made the pie crust from scratch while the pumpkin was baking mind you and I chilled it too.  Really easy crust using shortening, water, flour and salt.

1 3/4 cups fresh cooked pumpkin puree
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ginger
2 eggs
1 cup cream
1/2 cup milk
First cook down the pumpkin until it thickens which takes about 10 minutes.  Remove from heat and add in the remaining ingredients stirring with a whisk rapidly.  It forms a custard.  Pour immediately into the chilled pie shell and bake in a preheated 400 degree F oven for  35-40 minutes.  Cool for 1.5 hours on a rack.

I decided to make enough for two pies.  One of which I'll take to a party tomorrow.  The other my husband and I got into last night.  The above is for Thanksgiving.

The one in the dark pan to the right is the one I made specially for J.  I made a crushed ginger snap crust for that one.  Mind you he loved it.  He brought some of it into work today to share with his SSG.


Oh and I should tell all of you that I have never on my own made a pumpkin pie from a Pie Pumpkin before.  I've had help as a child making one but this is my first so I was very pleased that it came out so good.

For the ICLW crowd it is CD6.  I'll hopefully be doing an IUI next week.  Ultrasound is on the 27th to see how many follicles in a natural cycle I have going on.  Pelvic region is really achy today and I called off my physical therapy session.

How Can You Love Me

"Sit down, we need to talk.", I said as I'm beating the egg in the bowl.  On the kitchen counters around me are the ingredients for tonight's supper of Toad in the Hole which has become a favorite of his.

He sits down with a plop into the dining room chair in a room that is attached to the kitchen.  A sullen look is on his face and his arms are crossed in front of his chest.  I can see that he is defensive ready for an expected tongue lashing. 

Not wanting to come out with an attack statement I take a minute to read the cook book for the next step, though I've made this recipe several times, I gather my thoughts.

Tick, tick, tick, the clock in the kitchen is reminding me that I'm going to lose his attention shortly if I don't come up with an opening that won't shut him down for listening.

I add the flour to the bowl and say, "I do understand what you are going through.  Losing this job is losing an identity.  I realize that you are going to feel out of sorts for a while."

He looks at me with anger.  He doesn't want to be sitting there discussing this.  He would rather it never happened but we have to deal with this now so that he knows I'll be beside him through it all.  He says, "I don't know how you can understand when I can't understand it either.  I feel empty.  No wait, I feel anger.  All I have left in me is hate.  I still love you but I hate myself.  It is my fault this happened."  He is gesturing wildly through his words.

"How can you love me if you can't love yourself first?  You will have to find your own reason to be happy through this and learn to love yourself again.  I know you just said that you love me but your actions of late don't show that you do love me.  You have been pushing my buttons and pissing me off.  You want me to be angry so you are justified in the feeling that the world hates you.  I'm going to try even harder to not let this happen.  I've been down that slippery slope and its a long hard haul back up."

The dry ingredients are mixed at this point and I've added the egg to the well I made. Slowly I pour in the milk mixture and stir it into the dry ingredients.  The oven is preheating.

"I don't like the fact that you always understand.  I would rather you get upset when I can't come home for dinner or the weekend plans have suddenly changed.  I don't want you to understand what I'm going through right now."  He sits back in his chair and once again crosses his arms in front of his chest.

I put the casserole dish with the sausages into the oven to bake for 15 minutes while the batter is rising.  "Well I'm sorry that I do understand.  Why should I get upset over something that changes my plans when there is absolutely nothing I can do about keeping them?  I would rather get upset over something I can control.  You know, maybe you being so pale of skin you should get your vitamin D checked too.  You've been depressive and in a lot of bodily pain of late.  I know you didn't get much sun this summer either because you opted to stay inside most of the time I was on bed rest  It wouldn't hurt to get the lab work done.  If it is low maybe it will help improve your mood.  If it isn't the problem then maybe you should find someone to talk to."

"I've talked to three shrinks and they say I'm just fine!"  He gets up and walks off.

Staying in the kitchen I start some area clean up and setting of the table.  The "talk" is finished and I shut off the light in the dining room area.

Side note:  J is allowed to feel like he does right now.  The Army has been the life he has always wanted.  A place where he felt like he belonged.  He wanted to be a career man.  He wanted to be an officer.  He wanted to lead.  One by one his dreams have been taken away from him.  Did he do it to himself?  Was he just another warm body that soon became excess baggage to the Army in their draw-down?  What I see is a man with broken dreams.

One Day Difference

It is amazing how one day can make a difference.  I'm not saying all that much happened over the course of one night or even this morning to change things for J and I but it is one day closer to an end for our normal life routine.

Friday J got denied re-enlistment yet again.  He'll start his ACAP process this week.  I'm not sure what, when or where this will lead to.  Yes, there is still one last chance that he could re-enlist but with two higher ups saying no it doesn't bode well.

Down sizing sucks.  We all have had someone close to us that has lost a job with this economy.  Looks like J will be struck down twice by the failing of man.

He was let down by his team mates.  He didn't deploy so they held a grudge.  They could have given him recommendations but they chose not to.  Mind you he feels thrown under the bus.  If you'll remember back some ways for those that follow my blog J was a spare to a team.  He was given the opportunity to stay back and try to create a family with me.  They had two other people to fill his job.  He did offer to deploy this spring but was told he wasn't needed with his injury.  So he decided to go through with the surgery and work on healing his back.  Now he is paying for staying behind.

His surgery was a success.  His back is healing enough to have his profile down graded.  He can do more now.  In a few months he should be back to near perfect health again. 

I shouldn't be amazed that his teammates would throw him under the bus.  But some how I am.  I am ashamed of them for holding a grudge.  J did what he could back here to make things easier for his teammates while they were deployed but they didn't look at it like that at all.  No they are thinking that he was lazy and didn't do what they wanted in a timely manner.  He did what he could given the resources he had to work with.  I'm really tired of the pass buck blame that is going on in the ranks.  Own up, learn from the problem, work to accomplish the goals the team has set forth. 

While on Rear detachment J has been praised in his monthly counseling statements for going all out to work hard, take classes to be more valuable to his unit like the recent one he took to become the unit's armorer, and excel at tasks given to him.  He is considered a model soldier.  However, none of this matters to the teammates deployed or to the chain-of-command that is ever changing on Rear detachment.  All the chain-of-command knows is that J didn't deploy with his teammates, therefore he must be considered unfit and of no real use to the army so he'll be eliminated.

It is a sorry day when a trained, fit, and well educated soldier will be tossed aside so that they can bring in a new untrained, high school educated only, recruit to fill the ranks.  Maybe the Army should check it's books because from my understanding it costs more to train a new soldier to do a job including the basic combat training and outfit them than to continue to pay a soldier of my spouse's rank to do the same job at a higher skill level because he is proficient and they are not.

Now it is a wait and see what the end of the year will bring.

Prove To Me You Exist

Conversation with my bundled provider.  I changed their name out to just Cable.  I changed their number out too.  Besides what I put into parenthesis the rest is true to what was chatted between me and the Cable service bot/person. Chris: Hi, I'm a live Cable product specialist. Would you like my help checking out?

Chris: Just type your question below.

You: streampix

You: why do i have it on my account?

Chris: Please wait while a secure chat connection is established.

Chris: With Streampix you will be able to access content with your iPad, iPod Touch, iPhone, through On Demand with your set top box, through cable and more.

You: i don't have an ipod or iphone

You: i don't need it and i'm not paying for something i didn't request

You: I was charged this month for it as an additional service. I want the money I was charged refund

Chris: Thank you for being our customer! I recommend calling our Customer Service Team. They've got all your account information and they also have the expertise to better assist you. That number is 1-555-5555.

You: calling now

Chris: Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?

You: not unless you can remove the charges

Chris: Our customer service team will be the best person who can assist you with that. ( so a whole team is made up of one person huh?)

You: have a nice day

Chris: Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?

You: nope

You: the office is closed

You: so i'm guessing you knew that

You: so no one is really willing to help me

Chris: I apologize, Our Customer Service team is available Monday through Saturday, 8 AM to 7 PM.

You: why didn't you tell me before?

Chris: I apologize.

You: am i talking to a computer program and not a real person?

Chris: I am a real person.

You: sounds like something a computer bot would say. okay prove to me that you exist

Chris: I apologize however, I can only answer questions about our services.

Chris: Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?

You: i'm sure if you really wanted to be of help you would be. however, given that you knew it was a Sunday and the fact that you knew the offices would be closed but still told me to call the number I have my doubts

Chris: I apologize you can just call our customer service tomorrow.

You: how about since they have my number they call me?

You: they always seem to call me when they want me to purchase a new service

You: this time they committed fraud by adding a service without my permission

Chris: I do understand how you feel. Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?

You: Sure you could get me some chinese take out

You: you asked

Chris: What questions can I answer for you about our products?

You: why would someone without apple products in their possession want streampix?

Chris: Our technical Chat Agents are the best group to help you with all of your technical and Account questions. I’m happy to walk you through the simple steps to connect to that group.

Chris: Are you ok with me sending you to the appropriate webpage to connect to that group?

You: no

You: i would like to know how i can remove the service from my bill today via the internet

Chris: Please click here to access the page.

Chris: Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?

You: yes

You: how do i go about preventing Cable from adding unauthorized additions to my account in the future

You: it is fraud you realize

You: btw the page you sent me to is of no help for the issue. i can see my bill, pay it of which i already did but I cannot make changes to it

You: but i think you already knew this

Chris: I suggest you to call our customer service tomorrow where they can better assist you with your concern.

You: so you aren't at all concerned about the fraudulent charges?

Chris: I apologize I don't have that information.

Chris: Is there anything else that I can assist you with today?

You: Yes plenty

Chris: I can only assist you in adding/upgrading services here online.

You: you can only add but you refuse to take away? how is that helpful? My service was horrible this week. I was without phone, internet and cable this week sporadically. Shouldn't I be given a credit?

Chris: As much I would like to help you however, we can only add/upgrade service here online. Our customer service team will be the best person who can assist you with this concern.

You: Yes but they aren't available right now. So you are telling you are a useful as a two peckered billy goat? Chris: I do apologize however, the only person can help you in canceling your current services is our customer service. Chris: Is there anything else that I can assist you with today? You: 42 (Thank you Douglas Adams for popping into my head)   Chris:  Thank you for contacting Cable today.  Have a nice day.   what I need for streampix but don't have so why the heck would I want streampix?

Let's Add More Afflictions

There are days that I just know how Job must have felt.
This morning I woke up hoping to find that the split in the roof of my mouth had finally healed up. Nope.  Today I find that I have a red rash in addition.  No sores.  Not thrush.  No white spots.  Just the red rash on the soft palate.

Dr. Google suggests I could have mono.  LOL nope.  No fever.  Had mono when I was a kid while have a bad bout of bronchitis so bad that I never knew I had mono with it until I tested positive for having had it in the past.

I called up my dentist and she said to come in Monday if it is still there.  Until then to do the salt-water treatment.  Seems as though that with my Vit D3 low my mouth, the throat of which has been red and sore for almost two months now, is starting to get worse.  Now I have to be careful of what I eat and drink.  I know I didn't burn the roof of my mouth.  I did have some chips last weekend.  One would think that a cut would have healed in my mouth by now.

Fine and dandy.  I wanted Pizza, crackers, a bagel with a shmeer...heck a chew toy at this point.  I want to chew something other than the tapioca pudding I made last night, which really isn't chewing at all.

It never rains pain, it comes down in a deluge.

Whimpers.  Wants something crunchy, not sweet.  Something real to eat.  I'm not going to puree' a bagel with a schmeer of lox, though it has crossed my mind.
Love the ornament wishing I could eat the real thing!

Lab Results Finally In

Hey you!
Over here!
Yes, you!
Look at me!

Me: Hello Nurse J.  Would you please schedule me for ....?
<Now that I've got your attention I'd like something done.  No don't argue with me.>

Nurse J:  who is this?  Oh sorry I thought you'd recognized my voice by now.  It's Rebecca. < I've only been going to your clinic for 4 years!>

It was one of those mornings on the phone.  Again Nurse J.  Loves to argue with me.  Had to explain in detail what I wanted.  She said they gave me all the lab results the other day.  No they didn't.

<Again, please listen.>

Me: I need the vitamin D3 levels.

Nurse J: 26.1

Me: that low?
I'd like the doctor to put me on the prescription strength D3 again.

Nurse J:Your PCM will have to do that.

Me:No he won't. My cardiologist did it last time.  Can you at least ask Dr.C?

Nurse J:No you need to see your PCM.

Me:But it affects fertility.  Shouldn't Dr. C. be told my levels are too low?

Nurse J:Fine!  I'll let him know and call you back.

Me:<won't hold my breath waiting>  Thank you.

With the D3 levels this low I now have an explanation why the fibro has been flaring so often.  Also why I haven't been able to lose weight without starving myself.  Yesterday I had two really lean meals.  Maybe a total of 600 calories for the day and I managed to lose 0.8 pounds.

I'm tired of everything.  I'm getting depressed.  Oh and btw, I do take D3 daily and I told the nurse that too.  I just forgot to mention it above.  600 IUI daily.  It obviously isn't enough.

CD1 I'll be doing another natural cycle with an IUI towards the end of the month.  Hoping the vitD3 issue won't cause more problems with the eggs.

Shaving

Smile, you know where I'm headed or can at least guess.

I'm going to discuss shaving.  Not the face or legs, or arm pits.  I'm going  more intimate.

I used to shave quite regularly the whole pubic region.  I did it for me. Now not so often.  Not sure why I used to shave since it caused issues.

Why  have women decided that the hair we were blessed with at puberty is now offensive in our adult years?  I know that my mom's generation either went all natural or mainly didn't shave above the knees.
Women who did adult films in the 80's didn't shave to the extent that they do now for the adult film industry.  So why are we, who the majority claim to not like the idea of pornographic materials, trying to emulate the pre-pubescent type bodies devoid of pubic hair shown in the adult films?

Why are we trying to perpetuate the ideal that a woman's body should look like a little girls?  What in blazes is wrong with hair?

I figure that as long as you keep yourself washed and without foul odors there is nothing wrong with some hair on the mons pubis or labia.

I fell to pressure the other day.  Self-inflicted pressure.  I shaved.  I'm paying for it now.

A few years back I waxed it all off before a yearly pap exam.  My GYN, a female, told me next time to use a clean razor blade instead of the same one that was on the razor.  I corrected her and said the rash was from waxing. She apologized for her assumption and said I shouldn't try to remove the hair if the skin is that sensitive. 

I had my eyebrows waxed only once.  I broke out in a rash from waxing then too.

I've have used a electric razor and ended up in a rash.

I have used fresh out of the pack razor blades and ended up in a rash.

My skin does not like to be devoid of hair.  The hair acts as a buffer from laundry detergent residues, perfumes and dyes that might be on the pantyliners (though I  do buy the unscented ones) and any friction from clothing that might be a little tight like exercise clothing.

The other day after I shaved I put on clean exercise clothes and thought nothing of the bare skin until I was done exercising.  Let me tell you that even a warm epsom salt bath didn't help all that much last night.

So tell, are there any other women out there who have sensitive skin like I do?

If you have sensitive skin do you shave?

How do you prevent the sensitive skin rash?

Is this beauty treatment really worth the pain?
 

You Know It's A Fibro Day When...

You get into the shower wash your hair, condition it and forget what you were in the shower for, the next step in cleaning up and start it all over again.

Yup had one of those mornings.

I finally got my lab results yesterday afternoon around 1645 hrs.  The phones, internet and cable were on and off around the installation yesterday causing for some major issues in communications.

Yesterday was CD 28

D3 results are still not in.

Beta was negative as I figured it would be.

FSH 6.9

LH 6.19

P4 7.62  (this was with 100mg of Endometrin 2xday)

E2 44

The RE nurse assured me that the P4 was just fine.  Um, no it isn't.

Because I'm not yet bleeding and am having a lot of pelvic pain the nurse is going to try to get me an appointment for Friday to have a look-see.  I'm hoping that after five months the endometriosis is not growing back. 

Last night I took a nice hot soak in the tub and it felt like I had a marble in my lower back making the soaking not that comfortable.  The pain goes straight from the back to my reproductive organs.  Not a good sign.  It is starting to feel like it did this past spring.

Maybe if I can get in to see the doctor this week I can try to get a CD3 blood panel to make sure that all is back to normal.  Of course with my dumb luck the CD 3 will land on a weekend and muck things up.  For some reason this clinic doesn't want us going to the ER to get the labs drawn for the appropriate day.  Mind you our clinic is in the hospital.  At West Point I was instructed that if my CD 3 or 14 or 21 or 28 fell on the weekend the labs would need to be drawn at their ER to keep the CD labs appropriate for their day since we all know that hormones can vary widely in just 24 hours.

Looking forward to the next cycle.  Today I'll see about ordering some vitamins that are supposed to help fight off the endometriosis and give me more energy.  I need more energy today with the fibromyalgia.

The Headmaster's Wager

Ever thought that you were in complete control of you surroundings only to find out that you were the puppet?  I've been in that situation.  I've trusted other people only to find out I didn't really know them.

Friendships are forged fast in the military community.  We support one another through some of the most difficult of times imaginable.

But how much of our personal lives should we share with our friends?  In the beginning of a new friendship we want to believe without a doubt that we have good judgement in picking out our friends.  We want to trust that what we confide to our new found friend will stay between the two of us.

Friendships are often formed within the rank structure.  Supposedly a uniformed person cannot have a friendship with another member of the uniformed services two ranks above or below depending on another rule of junior enlisted, senior enlisted, junior officer or command grade and so on.  For the spouses of the uniformed personal it makes things rather sketchy when forming friendships.

In my husband's rank structure I have almost absolutely nothing to do with most of the spouses that are within that area.  I'm not a snob.  I just have my own idea of whom I'd like to be friends with.  For the most part I can't trust the wives I'm supposed to associate with.  Many are younger than I and very inexperienced.  Most have children and I do not.  And, this may really make me sound like I'm a snob, most can barely comprehend what I have to say because there is an educational gap.  Let me not forget the fact that being infertile means that I will most likely be judged by my use of science to get pregnant.

The female friends I normally attract while in waiting rooms, FRG meetings, and social gathering are not in my husband's rank range.  No I attract the women with education, age, and experience.  My life  isn't like the television show were were can just go to their house and have iced tea.  It doesn't reflect well upon the soldiers to have a General's wife and an enlisted spouse's wife being chummy.

So who can I trust?  I have tried to trust with secrets the lower enlisted women I have to choose from.  I've been stabbed in the back, exploited,  and ridiculed to my face and behind my back.  Where I once thought I had complete control of a situation and of my destiny I have found that I can't trust my feelings and secrets to just anyone.  I have to be more selective.

The people that we chose for our friends do reflect upon us.  If you chose poorly it doesn't look well for you or your spouse.  Lesson learned.

Headmaster Percivial Chen is a proud Chinese born man who runs English language school during the cusp of the Vietnam War. In his refusal to accept his adopted country's turbulent times, his gamble becomes a life changer. Join From Left to Write on November 15 as we discuss the The Headmaster's Wager. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Love Me

J decided to surprise me with roses.  I'll take them.  I deserve them too. 

He also told me that if I want to get any professional beauty treatments to book them because I deserve them.  Rarely do I do something nice for myself.  Unless of course you count home coloring, home manicures, and home facials done all by me of course.

I want to cry some more.  I've had a hellacious weekend.

I've cried, cried some more and now I feel like crying again.  I almost know for certain that the beta tomorrow will prove to be negative again.  I gave up home testing days ago. 

I need for this sinus infection to go away.  Until I'm proven to be not pregnant tomorrow I can't take much above a baby asprin to treat the pain I'm having.  Certainly not a decongestant, heaven forbid I'm pregnant and am actually forming a mucus plug, as I couldn't forgive myself if I royally screwed up a potential pregnancy.

Many of you know exactly how I feel right about now.  It's the damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Oh and I tried to smile when I saw the flowers but it hurt my face too much to smile.  I'm only getting blood out of my nose now.    Who wants to join me in my misery today?  Who out there today needs some love too?

Sight-seeing Saturday part two

Photo of the old gate.  The state force the government to dismantle the gate piece by piece when they decided that they needed more room for the I-5 lanes to expand.  Sometimes the state government does take precedence over the federal.

Statue of  Meriwether Lewis and his Newfoundland dog at the memorial park on Lewis.

Outside the Lewis Museum

Poor J.  I made him stand behind the cut out for his photo.
So that is what we did on Saturday.

J had to work 12 hours overnight, last night, so today he is sleeping-in.

Not sure how many more of these on-call shifts he'll be doing before the holidays are up but I know it is for a good reason.  Hopefully someone high up in rank will remember what a good job he has done and agree to let him re-enlist. 50 days left until the time runs out.

Sight-seeing Saturday

After some much needed couple time this morning J and I went out to breakfast.  I'm not one for a greasy spoon type place most mornings on the road but today I went for it and wasn't disappointed.

First stop after breakfast was the Nisqually National Wildlife Refuge.

We were one of the few today that got a chance to see the Blue Heron.  I've seen blue herons in NYS on Lake Champlain but none out here until today.

Talk about getting your ducks in a row.  There were actually three mating pairs out in the area today with the hens being the only talkative ones.

Hard to see but there is actually a short-shinned hawk in that tree.  Hint..look for the mossy branches.

Interesting tree stump.

More ducks trolling the waters for food.

Tomorrow I'll see about posting the other part of our sight-seeing journey.  For now I think this is enough photos the majority of which were taken by my husband.

11 Days Past IUI; Still Waiting

I've been keeping busy trying to ignore the stark white test each morning by making baby booties each day.  The above are now available for purchase in my shop.  I'm also making more solid color ones in newborn size to start with.  I didn't realize I was down to only 10 pairs in my shop this week.  Eek!  That isn't to say that I had a lot to start with but I realize that people like to have choices.

I'm also making the above in 3-6 months, 6-12 months and preemie so every one will have a chance to get the size they want and need.  Well those that want them that is.

My fatigue symptoms disappeared at 7 dpo.  I had  slight second line on 8 dpo and now nothing.  I'm guessing that maybe it was the left over from the trigger shot?  I'd like to think positive and really hope for that BFP on Tuesday but I'm a realist.  I know it won't always happen.  I also know that when I was pregnant with the twins that I never got a line on a hpt either.  The only time I have had lines is when I had the IVF and some left over hormones in my system from the IVF which helped the one natural pregnancy I did have.

I have been praying to God.  I keep hoping.  But truly I'm scared to have another failed cycle.  Another wasted amount of money that could be earning interest in the savings right now.

Even with the cost of two IVFs last year, we paid for the Jan one in Dec, we didn't get the tax credit.  J and I are just one of those couples that slip through the cracks.  We don't make enough for the big tax breaks and we make too much to get public assistance.  But we make just enough to pay out the for the highest tax bracket of what is it now? 27%?

Now that I hear on the news about the end of the year deadline for the taxes being changed up if the Prez doesn't get his peeps together.  I look forward to my meager tax refund each year.  Now it looks like I won't be getting that either.
Has anyone read this book?

Let It Snow, Well Maybe

As you can see my flowers are still blooming here and it is indeed November last time I checked the calendar.  The string in the photo is holding up the tomato plant of which decided to start producing more tomatoes after we thought for sure it was done for the season.  The yellow snapdragons are right next to the crimson chrysanthemum.  The dahlias are still blooming; if you look closely you'll see the one red flower.  Next to them is the purple Campanella.

I have a lone poppy plant in the back garden that decided to resurrect itself from its final blooming in July.  Behind it is the raspberry vine.

Photo of the front bed.  See the tomatoes?  Next to them are the larkspurs that have also decided to come back.  WTH?

Front bed again.  Dahlias and Campanellas.  I need to go out and do some dead heading again.

Thought I'd take an up-close photo of the rosemary.  It too has decided to bloom.  Normally this only blooms in the spring.

Remember readers I live in the PNW.  Right about now we are usually getting weeks of cold rain and some snow.

We are definitely have some major climate changes here on the west coast.  This was our longest, driest summer on record.









This looks pretty cool to me.  Maybe next year I'll get one for the patio.

Think Of My Future

Last night, after the election votes were mostly in, J and I talked about ending the fertility treatments.  I know that we had a plan on when we would stop but we couldn't remember the date.

Maybe it was the end of this year?

Was it when he ETS's?

I guess we'll have to talk a bit more about it soon.

J is rather annoyed with the outlook for our future.  I know it looks bleak with the economy being so bad.  If he has to leave the service he'll be competing with many others for the same job.  He has already run into problems with his job searching.  Seems he is over qualified for one level but under qualified for the next level up.

Another issue plaguing us is Obama care.  We can't afford health insurance if he leaves the military and has no job waiting for him.  I can't afford to get sick either.  I know that my health isn't good.  We won't qualify for public assistance either.  We are just one of the many that slip through the cracks of a very broken system.

We had hoped that things would have gone differently for us.  We knew that there were infertility issues when we married.  We knew that we would need insurance to help cover some of the costs of treatments.  Without the military medical coverage when he leaves the service all treatments will have to stop.  No donor eggs.  No adoption either.

Seriously who would want to loan money to an out of work infertile couple wanting to adopt?  No one in their right mind.  I mean we couldn't possibly support another mouth to feed.

I'm not putting off job hunting.  I'd like to start looking now but I know for a fact that my income won't be near enough to keep us looking in only one state for J to find work.  We've lived apart for so long already too.  We want to be together now.

I know that if R had one last night it wouldn't save J's job but I wonder if it would have helped the country?  We'll never know now.  Much as Obama has some good points in his presidency he also has a lot of bad ones that make me really fear the next four years.  Sure women's health is a good thing if you can afford the health insurance.  But I can't.  Will I get sent to jail for being uninsured?

Has anyone read this book yet?

Monday Brought Nightmares

Physical therapy went well enough.  I told my therapist that I wouldn't be able to do a few of the exercises like the leg press as my right ovary was sore and I had an IUI a week ago.  She was okay with that.  Instead I peddled for 20 minutes on the stationary bike.  That hurt my uterus.  Seriously I started with cramping like pain.  Every time I would get up and walk around after that the cramping would start more.

Is it any wonder at 8 dpo when I checked a hpt this morning it was negative?  Maybe it is way too soon but I doubt it.  Not trying to be too negative but the cramping has already started that means not much longer for the period to start.

Last night the nightmares started in.  Yet another symptom of an impending cycle start.  I'm not sure what to do at this point.  I have to wait it all out of course.  I really hate PTSD.  If it isn't my ex doing damage to me in the nightmares it is a family member.  Man I had a f'd up first marriage and a bad childhood.  If I get pregnant I'm going to work hard at being a good mom to my kid.

Yesterday I cancelled the RE appointment that I made over three weeks ago for today.  I didn't think I would be needing it since there wouldn't be anything to see at this point.

I guess I'll test again tomorrow and hope that tonight the good symptoms come back.  Right now I have a nice biting pain in my uterus that comes and goes. 

From Dr. Google:

Implantation after IUI

An IUI pregnancy is the same as a normal pregnancy. The only difference is the process of how the sperm entered the egg. Women who have undergone IUI fertility treatment can expect implantation to occur six to twelve days after ovulation. A pregnancy test conducted any time after this period provides a positive or negative result. A home pregnancy test is 99% accurate when detecting pregnancy. The test is conducted by holding the absorbent tip in the urine flow for five seconds. The test stick should be placed face up in a flat position for two minutes. A plus (+) sign, two red lines or a positive colour indicate pregnancy. Women who received an HCG injection before IUI may get a false positive result. This may require another pregnancy test a few days after.


So I guess what I do know is that the HCG shot is definitely out of my system.  Maybe the pain I'm getting is a good sign?  I won't know until the beta which is next week Tuesday.

If you put up a tree do you put up a star or angel?  If neither what do you put on your tree for a topper if you do put one up?