Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Big Fat Negative

I'm so frustrated right now.  Just thirty minutes ago I took a home pregnancy test.  It was negative.

I tell my husband.  He says, "Well you didn't think it would work the first cycle anyway."

I say, "true".

But for all that I was telling him it probably won't happen the first cycle it was to make him not feel bad.  I took the ovulation prediction test.  I saw my Lutenizing Hormone surge line on the kit.  I felt the ovulation pain.  The clomid ensured that I would ovulate.  I normally ovulate and blood work has proven that fact.  I only went on the clomid to even the odds because I'm not a spring chicken and his test wasn't perfect either.

 I wasn't wanting to hear what he said as he rushed out the door to work.  I didn't like him saying what he did say.  No I wanted a hug.  I wanted the chance to cry on his shoulder.  Dammit why me?  What am I doing wrong?  My other cousins can get pregnant easily enough.  What are we doing wrong?

Oh and folks don't start with that whole thing on relaxing.  Does the female that gets pregnant from a rape ever relax during the act?  Think on that one a bit.

No praying to the Christian god or converting isn't going to make me more fertile or give me what I want.  Do the vastly over populated Chinese pray to the Christian god?

Maybe I tested too early.  Maybe the test kit, being a cheap one because my neighbor used up my last two designer ones, isn't sensitive enough?  My cycle before the clomid use would have started tomorrow making a normal home pregnancy test kit work just fine.  The control line showed bright pink, the test was working fine but, I must be broken.  However, if the clomid is changing me out to a thirty day cycle who the heck knows when the test kit would work.  Maybe if I wait another five days and test again.

I have to get a blood test before I start my next round of clomid.  But almost always the Army medical staff will only give you a blood test if you've stated that you've done a home pregnancy test first.  I know this for a fact.  If I don't start like I should it would mean provera to get me started which would delay the use of the clomid even more.  In order to start the next round of clomid I have to first have a bleed.

My breasts ache, my pelvis is sore, I pee way to much for someone having gone off of the water pill and the nausea at night is just wonderful.  I sleep almost sitting up so I don't puke in my mouth.  Totally gross in my book.  Something is going on in my body involving hormones.  I'm not sure I like it if its from the clomid.  I'm losing my appetite from the nausea.  I guess since I'm obese that isn't such a bad thing.  Even with losing a couple of pounds this week my fat clothes are snug from the bloat.

I'm miserable and my spouse is callous today.  I'm so glad we have that appointment with the Family Life Center today.  I love my husband but he just doesn't understand what I'm suffering with these hormones.  He doesn't understand that a hug would have been an appropriate response to the test being negative.  I'm not a guy.  I don't have as much serotonin in my body as he does.  I need a hug.  I need to know that he still loves me.

Now I'm off for a good long cry in the shower.  At least the shower will hide my sobbing noises.

Just why?  Why can't I be blessed with a baby?  I just want one.

Yes I know a pity trip.  Damn tears are already starting.

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