Thursday, November 18, 2010

Love During War

I took this photo over the summer while on vacation with my husband.

Maybe some of you still realize that there is a war going on.  Maybe some of you are sick of hearing about the military.  Maybe some of you have a loved one overseas serving in a war torn country.  I can relate to all of the above because my spouse hasn't been home all that long.  For a while I just wanted to hide inside my home with no news broadcasts, not a whisper of anything military, I didn't want to think about the possible dangers and that my love might not come back home.

I have my hopes up that Obama will hold true to at least one of his promises and let me keep my husband at home for two years.  I don't think I've ever had two years with my husband at home.  Let me think, nope I haven't, but many of the military spouses can understand this as a foreign concept.

Just this week, during lunch, my husband was telling me that they are soon to start their training again.  He told me of a definite assignment coming up for the new year and of another possible one.  I realize that its going to mean he'll not be home for at least a month for each new adventure.  What is a month? its just a short amount of time in comparison to how long he's been gone thus far, but it means a lot more.  It means that yet again I'll be marking off the days on the calendar, this time not just to mark their passing, but now it will mean those empty days and long nights I've survived yet again.

I didn't marry a military guy.  I married a civilian.   Sure I've been associated with the military before and I even worked for the Department of Defense once upon a time.  Still it never prepares the family for when the soldier has to leave.  And leave they must because someone has to go out there and fight for freedom.

There are way too many left behind with open wounds in their hearts.  Our soldiers leave us to go do a mission.  They take us with them in their hearts and try to leave us with a bit of theirs as well.

The last two weeks before my husband deployed were shear HELL!  The last two weeks are supposed to be spent with immediate family only for a darn good reason.  I think we are the only ones that can understand truly that our soldier becomes a grouch before they leave.

The nightmares, night sweats, stress, and anger come on in those last two weeks.  Most of us try not to remember those last two weeks with our spouse as they aren't the memories we want to tide us over for the entire deployment.  We argued.  We loved.  We knew our time was down to just hours the last day.  Would those precious few hours be the last I would hold him?  I kept hope that I would see him again.  I'm one of the lucky that was able to hold my soldier again.  Kiss him again.  Make love with him again.  He wasn't the same guy that left me behind but I was no longer the same woman he left behind either.

Now, almost four months after he re-deployed we are still putting back together us.  Look at the above photo of the heart made of rock.  If you take out a rock you leave a hole.  Its that rock we are trying to find.  One to stand on and build from. We might have found that rock and now we just have to make it fit for us both.

This afternoon is another session of marriage counseling at the Family Life Center.  I look forward to today's session knowing that we are both willing just to be there.  There is no quick fix to a year apart.  We can't get back what we missed.  The experiences we both had over the past year were not shared together but apart.  Our paths are merging together again, slowly, so that we don't miss that precious rock that will complete us.

Remember love is the rock you build your life on.

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