Maybe

I put this cute little new born to three month size hat into my shop this morning.

I've now run out of baby yarn.  Oh I still have more baby items to list but that is because I used up all my yarn crafting them.

The company of the yarn brand I was using contacted me by mail today and sent me a prepaid envelope to include a knot I had in one skein.  Oh I had a few other knots since I called them up about the issue but I'm only including the one I phoned about.  They are going to replace the skein and I have my doubts I'll ever purchase that particular brand of yarn again.

This morning started out foggy and cold.  I'm still hoping that the grey, or almost white, sky will turn to blue once again.  The tomatoes on one plant are almost fully ripened while the other plant is still green.

Looks like AF will be here in time to ruin my magical weekend.  My seventh anniversary is this weekend.  J and I have been trying to putty over the damage that infertility has left behind.  The closeness that we once had under the illusion of it will just take "a bit of time" to make a baby is shattered.  We argue over little things which are so inconsequential that to an outsider we'd look like a parody of married life.  We do love one another but the problem is that we don't have our legacy.  We wanted a child.

I've given up on my own DNA.  However, that does not mean that I will magically have a child by donor eggs.  Odd are with my killer womb that I will miscarry again.  Stage III Endometriosis doesn't leave very good odds for getting pregnant and staying pregnant.  Oh and let's not forget the age factor.  I know that bed rest will be the prescription.  With that known J and I have to come to a decision.  Do we go ahead and take that expensive risk?  We want a child.  Or do we cut our loses now and just work on the marriage?

Every failed cycle I threaten him with divorce.  This is me being mean.  I want to give him a chance with a "normal" woman.  He is younger than me by nine years.  He still has plenty of time to find someone that will give him that gift of life and legacy.  This is mean being stupid and full of self pity too.

I have a lot of growing up to do.  Babies aren't everything.  I'm bombarded daily by pregnant bellies.  All I have to do is look out my living room window from my chair and I see young moms (think late teens and early 20's) walking by with big bellies and pushing a stroller on their way to the school to pick up their other kid.  It's enough to make any infertile scream.  I can see why my two infertile neighbors keep their front blinds drawn tight.  They don't want to see it either.

This is me venting.  AF is coming.  She never stays away for long.  Some how she always finds me.

J has stated that he is fine without children too.  He states that if we had kids he wouldn't get as much attention from me.  Well that is true but I have told him that the child would pay attention to him.  Heck kids love to nag their parents.

Wanting something for such a long time doesn't always make the effort of getting the thing worth it when you finally get it because some how it's just not the same after waiting all those years.  We have made so many sacrifices in our marriage and careers to just have that chance to have a child.  Was it worth the heart ache?  I'd have to say NO.  But we wouldn't know how it was to turn out if we didn't try.

I think our marriage will survive as long as we work together and remember the reason why we first fell in love.  Infertility is only a small part of our life path.  For now it seems huge.  For now it seems to have taken on a personality of it's own.  If we do donor eggs and it fails I think we'll walk away hand in hand, or at least I hope we will.  It will be behind us one way or the other knowing that we exhausted all possibilities.  Maybe adoption will be our future.  But until a few more unknowns are removed we are still going to be in limbo wondering what that future might be.

I just called him and told him I love him.