Only Time Will Tell Now

I finished this particular hat last night and today I listed it in my shop this morning before I headed off to see my doctor.

I love this hat.  I have my doubts that I will ever have a child of my own for whom I can make clothing for or teach things to, or even hang up their finger paintings.

At 0720 hrs I had my blood draw today.  As I was sitting there another baby was being born in the hospital.  The music played over the loud speaker.  I knew my test would be negative.  Last night the pain on the right side was explosive.  Yes, explosive is the best word to describe the pain.

The nurse that works in conjunction with my PCM was nice enough to give me my lab results when I asked if they were in yet.  She said I wasn't to let the doctor know that I knew about it though.
E2  183
P4 5.94 or 5 something
HCG   Negative

Looks like I'm back in cyst country.  I called up my RE office when I got back from the department of Licensing today.  My PCM filled out the request to renew my handicap parking placards.  I picked up my new ones.  He also put in a request for physical therapy today.  He wanted to put me in a boot or as some call it a walking cast.  I said no for now.  He said that if PT wants me in an air cast he is also willing to supply that.  Yes, my left ankle is still messed up from the new injury to it on the 29th of August.

I asked, in the voice mail I left, for my lab results and a follow up appointment.  Something is going to need to be done.  I know that they offered to take out the offenders last time but I'd like to keep my ovaries for a bit longer.  You could say I've grown attached to them.

I want a child but then I don't want a child.  I want a baby but only if J can be here with me to watch it grow up.  I'm scared that one day he won't come back.  Typical feelings mind you considering his employment.

I'm a bit depressed today and am eating my depression.  Since I'm not pregnant I asked J that on his way home he could see if the commissary has lox and cream cheese on hand.  Salmon is good for me.  That is how I'm going to justify the splurge.  Since I'm not pregnant I'm not worried about the soft cheese issue that pregnant women have to avoid.

Now what is going through my mind is the very fact that through out these past few months on until October if any of the IVFs or the one natural had made it I would have been either holding a new born or getting ready to give birth.  So today's Brahms lullaby playing over the loud speakers was a real kick in the pants.

I am thankful however that I still have a chance, if that is, I can go through with the donor egg program.  There is no guarantee.  I might still miscarry.  This is my killer womb we are talking about.  Damn endometriosis.

With the cost of donor eggs being so high; 30k for a fresh and 18k for a frozen I still can't see why they call it donor.  I mean the donor doesn't get much for them.  And at those prices I'd hardly call it a donation.  It's more like a state dinner function with dessert for two!

You know what?  I'd still pay out the cost if I knew for sure that J will be able to re-enlist.  For now I have to wait.  For now it's all a pipe dream and not one I can smoke.  Oh yeah, and I need to get the cyst problem under control.