A Bit Odd

I just listed these adorable Preemie to Newborn size booties in my shop this morning.

I also woke up to find that a friend had purchased from my shop too.  Hope she likes the items she purchased.  So many thanks to her and I hope to meet you one day if you are reading this.

Now to the bit of odd.  For some reason I'm on a never ending LH surge.  I couldn't believe it.  For three days in a row now I've had a second dark line.  Sure when I look at the other ones they have faded.  The negative ones have really faded so I definitely can tell the difference between the positive three and the negative two.  Here is a picture of the three days of positive with the newest one being on the bottom and the freshest so it is the darkest without having a chance to fade.

Like I said they were all as dark as the bottom one on their respective mornings using the FMU.  I'm thankful that tomorrow I have an appointment with the RE to find out just what is going on inside of me.  I've been having a lot of pelvic pain the last few days too.  Likely I've got more than one ripe follicle.  Too bad all of the eggs within are crap.  One can always hope for that unicorn but we must all one day face reality too.

So the news for J is somewhat promising I guess.  I had him give a call to a former coworker that is a SSG and about ready to retire.  The guy pulled up J's ERB (enlisted record brief) and he was a ten.  A ten means that there is no reason why they wouldn't let him enlist.  He has no negative counseling statements either.  His PULHES( physical, upper, lower, hearing, eyes, psychological is the S) is all 1's with only a temporary 3 for his back.  Again no reason to bar him from re-enlisting.

What this all means is that it is about down sizing our troops.  The commander has to trump up a reason, manufacturer a reason, why he wouldn't recommend J for re-enlistment.   So yes, J has a chance.  Several NCOs are willing to make statements and recommendations for him if necessary so that he can go to IG (Inspector General) if it has to be.

Fingers crossed this doesn't have to go that far but if it does oh well.  There will be hell to pay.

Hoping every one has had a good weekend.  I'm headed out later to buy some more yarn.

Not Sure What To Say

I posted this item in my shop this morning.

Not sure what to say or where to begin this morning.  So much is on my mind.

Maybe I could start with the OPK results?  For the past two mornings they have been positive.  Probably the stress is keeping the surge up.  But I'm using this as a good sign. 

Things haven't been going well for my mate.  The Cpt in charge right now said no.  He was supposed to find out more information about J's abilities but it looks as though, I could be wrong mind you, that he didn't.  Maybe he didn't care.  Maybe he was just busy.

SSG that works with J wrote him a glowing recommendation for re-enlistment.  Now they need to wait until they have in writing what the Cpt said so that they can write a rebuttal.

Seriously I don't get it.  Why would they want to toss away a guy who's lowest line score was in the 130's and his highest  line score was in the 160's?  GT Score was 136. He scored a 98 out of a possible 99 on the ASVAB.  Are they nuts?  He went in with his bachelors degree in hand.  They didn't have to lose time with him trying to get his education.  J has taken upon him at each duty station leadership responsibilities.  So all it takes is one Rear-D commander to not notice J, find nothing exemplary to write about J, probably because he didn't know J or ask about J to begin with and now J has no chance?  Yes I'm pissed and I'm rambling on.

Hopefully taking the next step will help J's chances.  The next step is the Major.  I'd write his last name here but you all know I try to not put names with ranks for PERSEC/OPSEC reasons.  One of my followers had the same last name that she made her first name a few years back...hint for her.  Wondering if she knows this major or if they are related.  If you are reading this let me know because I'm curious.

So anyway, if the Major says yes it goes to the Col.  But the Col could still say no.  I know the Col.  Had lunch with him and his wife at the volunteer luncheon award thingy earlier this year.  I had been sitting alone when they asked to sit with me.  I'm not a rank snob.  I'm a civilian.  We seemed to have a lot in common, however, the chance of them remembering my last name and putting it to a piece of paper that comes across the desk is another thing.  I know I kept praising my spouse at the luncheon, I always do that to anyone unless I'm pissed off at him.  It doesn't matter if its civilians I'm talking to or military---so again not a rank snob.  I love J and I know how much being in the military means to him.

This is the first real job where J feels at home.  He feels like he belongs.  He really does enjoy the military.  He didn't just join up for the benefits and the pay he joined because he is patriotic.  He loves America and he had a chance to prove it.  No he isn't a hero that rescued a platoon of doomed soldiers with one arm while saving drowning kittens with the other.    J is a proud American that felt when he lost his job at the engineering firm it was time to serve his county.  The day after 9/11, when J was still in college, he wanted to join up but the recruiter reminded him that he had a path in college and could better serve his country after he finished college.  They needed leaders.  He wanted to lead.  So for some Cpt that doesn't know him to say that he doesn't see leadership ability in my spouse, well it hurts.

Getting to be a long rant I realize.  But there is a bit more.  Hang on.

When J was stationed in Korea both of the NCOs (SSG and SFC) and Chief Warrant went on leave at the same time leaving J in charge of the shop.  J did quite well on his own for that week including attending a staff meeting.  Not bad for someone that wasn't an NCO.

While at NTC his first time J was called the machine.  His contribution to his team was noted.

When his unit here was given two new soldiers, fresh out of the schoolhouse, he was given the job of being their leader.  He had to prepare them for their deployment too.

So what I'm saying is that this Cpt., who is a nice guy mind you, doesn't know my spouse's abilities because he was thrown into the job after the main body left.  He has no clue.  So now that when the time has come to have J re-enlist it seems as though no one is around to testify to his ability to lead.

Bitter Taste

I added this item to my shop this morning.  I've been busy making other baby items too of which I'll be listing soon.  I'll have to get back to making more booties while I'm at the hook.

So for the title.  It's for three reasons. 

First I'd have to say the bitter taste is from the dental work yesterday.  This temporary cap tastes a bit bitter with all the adhesives they used on it.  Plus it is a bit high.  But I was warned that it would start off a bit high then shrink down so I guess all is okay or will be soon enough.  Had a bit of fun with my heart during the septocaine administration yesterday.  Heart slowed down but pounded really hard each slow beat.  The dentist was a bit concerned when I told her about the arrhythmia related to my breathing and the left atrium.  She said the epinephrine from the anesthetic might cause me some shaking and chest pains but she was ready to handle it.

Next the bitter taste is from a former infertile.  Oh that was real fun yesterday.  I think I'll start calling FB Fertile Book like a few others.  Seriously all I did was congratulate one of my husband's former co-workers on her pregnancy.  Doubt she knows the word viability.  She was never that infertile to even have a worry about that bit.  She is now at the end of her second trimester.

So back to where I was.  I congratulated her.  I stated that I was envious too.  Then we started PMing each other.  She gives me AssVice. 

I spoke with a friend on fertile book as this person was giving me the assvice.  T thanks for being there.  Really now if praying did the job the world's population would not be only 7 billion, most likely double and for that fact which god do we pray to so that we get knocked up easily?  There are a lot of religions out there with a lot of babies being born.  If follistim did it alone for all of us infertiles we wouldn't need IVF or IUI.  And if you are going to tell me that just because you are a year younger than me that it "can happen to you" I'm going to get livid and stop talking to you.  Oh and definitely don't be telling me that I need to exercise more during pregnancy.  First off the problem for me is in getting pregnant.  Secondly my doctors, because of my heart, like me to take it easy!

Sheesh for a so called infertile she sure did get amnesia as soon as she got pregnant.  Why do they do that?  Is it so hard to not go out there and give assvice?  Just because you are pregnant it doesn't mean I'll get pregnant too on the first try with your method that your doctor prescribed for you.

I think that after trying for 17 years I can honestly say that if I can't go through with donor eggs my journey will stop.  There will be no going forward.  I will just veer off in the direction of living childless.  I want to say that I'm okay with that but right now I'm not.  I will be some day but for now it's going to take some time to adjust.

No, having children in my future does not look promising.  J's career with the Army looks like it's drawing to a close.  Even if this CO does decide to have a change of heart it still has to go through two other higher ranking individuals for him to get approved. 

Thanks for the budget cuts Prez.  You want our soldiers to be knowledgeable about their jobs and have the experience for war fighting but yet you want to cut back on the good soldiers and let the slackers that can't be touched stay in.  Yes, there are some that can't be touched because they are on disciplinary actions.  They will some day get booted out but until then they are taking up spaces for soldiers that are willing to do their jobs but instead the good ones are shown the door.

There are the three reasons why I have a bitter taste in my mouth today.  Dental, infertile assvice, and military stupidity.

Wee Bit Of Stress

I posted this item in my shop this morning.  I'll be posting more of them over the next few weeks.

Last night I finished another preemie to newborn sized baby hat in a print.  I also managed to start a preemie size hat too.  But it didn't stop the headache.

I'm stressed.  I know J must be too.  But last night the headache was bad.  While washing my face before bed and blotting it dry I pulled back the cloth and found blood.  I couldn't figure out where it was coming from.  Even J couldn't find a cut on my face or arm where I felt the water running off to.  Water always seems to run down my right arm as I splash my face to remove the cleanser.

So with some more blotting I finally found where.  I had a nose bleed.  My face was reddish from the scrub so I didn't realize that my nose was bleeding.  See what happens when you take your glasses off?  Can't see.

I think I need to calm down.  Last night was a headache and nosebleed.  The night before was chest pains and slow pulse with skipping heart beats.    If I don't find an outlet for my stress I'm going to give myself another heart attack.

But a bit of good news for me at least.  This morning I had another sale of baby items waiting for me to fill from my online shop.  Made me happy for a few minutes at least.

This afternoon I head to the dentist for them to remove the build up they put in place and start working on the crown.  I like the build up.  Not sure why I need a crown.  I can't understand why it has to be so expensive either.  But I'll have to suck it up and do what needs to be done.  As if I can afford to be risking my health right now and complaining about bills.  I am complaining.  I'm worried.  I can see that money I'll be paying out tonight and it hurts.  One more appointment after this one tonight to get the final crown piece put in place.  Just what I need, another tooth sensitive to hot and cold.

Enough.  Time to count my blessings.

I'm alive.  That is a good start.

My spouse loves me.

I enjoy my job.  It doesn't pay much right now but I have hope it will pay out more later on.

I have my health.

Not Sure What Direction

I added this item to my shop this morning.  It is a 6 to 12 months size hat.

Okay well yesterday wasn't the greatest day I've ever had but I'm guessing it was worse for J.

It started off with a surprise PFT.  He can only do one thing right now for the PFT and it just happens to be push up.  He did well enough on that with  62 push ups in 2 minutes but he thinks that because all cardio, due to his back injury, has been taken off his allowable they'll not consider it a passing PFT.  He'll know more in the days to come.

Turns out that the person he was told was going to decide J's fate decided that some one else could do it back in garrison.  Oh and it's not good.  The person that is deciding J's fate doesn't know him and doesn't know the people that J worked for that are currently deployed.  Rather a failure I'd say.

It doesn't look good.  So far this person isn't recommending J for re-enlistment.  We'll know more on Friday with any luck.  Oh and with luck, if there is any to be had, they'll allow him to re-enlist.  J did give him the names of his co-workers that could possible aid in his retention.  Hopefully they are able to be contacted.

This means that if J can't re-enlist he is going to get depressed.  I would too.  It means that we won't be able to do donor eggs.  That of course means a whole other kettle of depression for me.

Folks, if you are the praying sort, keep us in your prayers.

My Heart Is Going To Break

I posted this item today at my shop.  I didn't make it of course, but it is vintage.

Yesterday was a decent enough day.  It had its disappointing moments when I realized that the last day of the three day pass was done and we had gone no where.  J hadn't planned a thing.  Not even a gift.  Oh well.

My heart is breaking today.  Not because of yesterday.  No it's because of what I saw on the way to the mail box today.

I thought my eyes were deceiving me.  But no.  I saw true.  It was a scrawny orange and buff colored cat curled up in a ball up against a neighbor's house.  The right eye was puffed up like it had been in a fight.  The two neighbors in that area have cats and I thought perhaps it might have escaped.  I knocked on door and rang the bells.  I heard movement within that was definitely human but none came to the door.  How rude!

Soon a van pulled up, just as I was getting closer to the kitty.  Yes, I was willing to take the cat in  even  if J is allergic to them.  I can't let a helpless creature just go uncared for like this one obviously was.  Well the van scared it across the street.  I chatted with the driver of the van.  Turns out her friend is feeding the cat occasionally and it is a stray.  Think I might just go buy some cat food this week to have on hand for the animal, treats or even a can of tuna.  Maybe someone will take it in.  I know I would if I could coax it indoors.  Tuna is a great way to coax most cats indoors as I've learned in the past. 

I want to get that cat to the vet for some attention too.  But I'm not going to sit outside all day and wait. I have nothing to feed it right now.

If you are going to get an animal remember it's a lifetime commitment.  You brought it willingly into your home when you got it from the liter, shelter, or pet store.  I'm pissed at whomever decided to just dispose of their animal.  Makes me want to cry.  If you can't take care of your pet it is not disposable.  Find it a home!

First Sale

Happy to report that I made my first sale on Etsy.  Well okay it's not my first sale ever but it is my first sale since I re-opened my shop this month.  YAY!  I sold two of the preemie baby hats.

Today is my anniversary.  So I'm off to go celebrate 7 years together after I stop by the post office and mail a package.  I'm very excited today.

Oh and I listed this item today that matches the booties I already posted in my shop.

Quick Post

I bought more yarn.

I ran out last week.

Though I promised myself that I wouldn't buy more yarn until I sold something in my Etsy shop I couldn't resist the urge I had.

I swear that I'm addicted to yarn.

Oh and I just found a bunch more baby patterns that I'm going to have to try out for hats and booties. 

The Bloodletter's Daughter

I'm a kitchen witch.  A what?  A kitchen witch.  I make magic in the kitchen with more than just my cooking.

Above the refrigerator in that almost useless cabinet that we are supposed to store those dishes or appliances we least use I store my herbs, resins, and recipes.  Well spells more than recipes but they read like recipes and are written on index cards.

For me being a kitchen witch means that I love using my herbs and spices for more than what most folks would use them for.  I make incense to burn, potpourri to scent the house, herbal combinations for soaps, tonics and teas for when I'm ill.    Some common herbs when combined with others can be quite toxic.  My knowledge of herbs recently came in handy.  With the poor air quality issue I've had as a resident of WA state my asthma has had a flare up leaving me with a red throat, swollen gland, and hurting ears.  I mixed together lavender, chamomile, rose hips, hibiscus, and echinacea for a tea.  It does the trick every time.  Just two mugs of the tea and my throat is already feeling better.  Although this is my decoction I wouldn't prescribe it to everyone as different bodies have different responses.  It's more a science. 

Science has usually been a male pursuit where I grew up.  Most women aspired to be married and pregnant in the back woods area.  However,I've always had a pull towards the stars.  Even as a small child my brother and I would take nights of observations from his telescope and make notes of when certain events were to occur again in the night sky.  I went one step further with the stars and dreamed of Embry Riddle school.  Those dreams never came to fruition as I was a girl and was expected to stay near home to attend college.  Live at home or with another family member as some sort of protection.

Still to this day I long to travel to the stars.  I dream of discoveries and keep hope that one day I just might make it up there.  Until then I can be found in my kitchen making herbal recipes for colds, diuretics, and incense.

Inspired by a real-life murder that threatened to topple the powerful Hapsburg dynasty in the 17th century, The Bloodletter's Daughter imagines how one young woman holds more power than she thought possible.  Join From Left to Write on September 25 as we discuss the The Bloodletter's Daughter. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Random Discovery

I posted this baby hat in my shop this morning.  There are of course matching booties that have been listed.

Now to the random discovery.  This morning while I was rooting through my night stand drawer looking for my tramadol I found something I thought I didn't keep.

I found a positive pregnancy test.  I totally forgot that J wanted me to keep it.  Actually in there were two positive tests and four negatives.

1 February 2012 I was pregnant from the last IVF.  By the next day the line was gone.  Hoping against all odds I tested again the same day and twice the next day.  Beta was the following day.  At least I know for a while I was pregnant.  It's hard to believe it has now been 7.5 months.  Wow I would have been full term by now.  So much time has flown by.

I still have some hope that maybe I'll get pregnant again.  Oh I doubt it will happen with my own eggs but I have hope that if we are able to go the donor egg route I'll have a baby that way.

Still no word on whether or not J can stay in the military.  Now it's all down to one man's decision.  The same man that decided all soldiers on Rear-D were not worthy to go to the board or receive awards.  So yes I have my doubts because this one man seems to have it in for the those left behind.  This is just my opinion mind you.

J tells me that normally this man shouldn't have this power but for some unknown reason his paperwork has to go through this guy.  We were hoping for word on Friday but now it looks like, because the orderly room can't find record of his last PT test, he'll have to take another one.  Which means further delays.

I'm getting anxious.  I don't want to stress J, it's not his fault things have changed.  I just want an answer now.  I need to start making plans.

Maybe by December we'll know the answer to our big question.

First A Brief Message

Yes I realize it's a bit blurry but my camera is temperamental.  This item, however, can be found for sale in my shop.

Now to the main body complaint today.

Hello Uterus.

I didn't forget you were there.  No there is just no way I could ever forget you.  You always remind me of your occupancy downstairs.

Today you reminded me of yet again another failure.  I have to say Uterus that I find you to  be an extremely incompetent resident.  You have yet to pay your rent.

I see that you decided to start your monthly housekeeping.   I am reminded of how painful you make it for the rest of us.  You are a bad tenant.  You make me moan and cry in complaint.  There are not enough drugs out there to make you bearable to live with.  I say this to you as I take yet another tramadol and watch you toss your filth down the stairs.

I'm tired of your abuses.  There are days I wish I could evict you.  If it were possible I'd have another tenant in there in a heartbeat.  I've tried to calm you down with peace offerings of gonadotropins and progesterones but you just seem to have one idea and one way to do it.

Uterus I hate you.  This is me declaring war upon you.  I've tried to play nice.  I want you to get a roommate to calm you down soon.  I'm willing to pay for this roommate.  As a matter of fact I have several willing roommates lined up ready for me to call them.  If you don't get a roommate of your choosing soon I'm going to install one myself while you are sleeping under the influence of heavy meds.

Oh and if you try to kill your new roommate off when you wake up I may just have YOU removed for violating the terms we agreed upon.

Thank you and have a nice house cleaning.

Yet Another Beginning

I posted this hat in my shop this morning.  Matching booties are also listed in their area of my shop.

AF is almost here.  She'll most likely arrive with all her baggage later today.  Some of her stuff is already here.  Ugh!

Had to reach for the tramadol twice since midnight.  Fetal position just makes the pain worse.

I can already tell this weekend is going to suck!

In other news, I'm working on a few projects more military related.  I think what I'm developing will become key chains.  I want to try to keep the price down so I'll not be charging for my labor but mainly for the cost plus a bit.

Here is what I'm been giving my neck a crick over the past few days:

Each acrylic patch is roughly 1.5 inches long with a hole in it.  I still have to attach a ring to the hole and whatever else I plan on using to making it hang.  Mind you I started with a photo of a patch and drew free hand the majority of the design.  None of them are perfect when looked at close up.  There are a few unfortunate smudges in the the development that were out of my hands.

This morning I managed to dye my hair.  If I'm going to have a crappy weekend I'm going to at least look pretty.

Let me know what you think about the mini acrylic patches and how much I should charge for them when made into key chains.  Again all of the money made from my shop does go to pay for my infertility treatments since they are not covered by my insurance. 

Maybe

I put this cute little new born to three month size hat into my shop this morning.

I've now run out of baby yarn.  Oh I still have more baby items to list but that is because I used up all my yarn crafting them.

The company of the yarn brand I was using contacted me by mail today and sent me a prepaid envelope to include a knot I had in one skein.  Oh I had a few other knots since I called them up about the issue but I'm only including the one I phoned about.  They are going to replace the skein and I have my doubts I'll ever purchase that particular brand of yarn again.

This morning started out foggy and cold.  I'm still hoping that the grey, or almost white, sky will turn to blue once again.  The tomatoes on one plant are almost fully ripened while the other plant is still green.

Looks like AF will be here in time to ruin my magical weekend.  My seventh anniversary is this weekend.  J and I have been trying to putty over the damage that infertility has left behind.  The closeness that we once had under the illusion of it will just take "a bit of time" to make a baby is shattered.  We argue over little things which are so inconsequential that to an outsider we'd look like a parody of married life.  We do love one another but the problem is that we don't have our legacy.  We wanted a child.

I've given up on my own DNA.  However, that does not mean that I will magically have a child by donor eggs.  Odd are with my killer womb that I will miscarry again.  Stage III Endometriosis doesn't leave very good odds for getting pregnant and staying pregnant.  Oh and let's not forget the age factor.  I know that bed rest will be the prescription.  With that known J and I have to come to a decision.  Do we go ahead and take that expensive risk?  We want a child.  Or do we cut our loses now and just work on the marriage?

Every failed cycle I threaten him with divorce.  This is me being mean.  I want to give him a chance with a "normal" woman.  He is younger than me by nine years.  He still has plenty of time to find someone that will give him that gift of life and legacy.  This is mean being stupid and full of self pity too.

I have a lot of growing up to do.  Babies aren't everything.  I'm bombarded daily by pregnant bellies.  All I have to do is look out my living room window from my chair and I see young moms (think late teens and early 20's) walking by with big bellies and pushing a stroller on their way to the school to pick up their other kid.  It's enough to make any infertile scream.  I can see why my two infertile neighbors keep their front blinds drawn tight.  They don't want to see it either.

This is me venting.  AF is coming.  She never stays away for long.  Some how she always finds me.

J has stated that he is fine without children too.  He states that if we had kids he wouldn't get as much attention from me.  Well that is true but I have told him that the child would pay attention to him.  Heck kids love to nag their parents.

Wanting something for such a long time doesn't always make the effort of getting the thing worth it when you finally get it because some how it's just not the same after waiting all those years.  We have made so many sacrifices in our marriage and careers to just have that chance to have a child.  Was it worth the heart ache?  I'd have to say NO.  But we wouldn't know how it was to turn out if we didn't try.

I think our marriage will survive as long as we work together and remember the reason why we first fell in love.  Infertility is only a small part of our life path.  For now it seems huge.  For now it seems to have taken on a personality of it's own.  If we do donor eggs and it fails I think we'll walk away hand in hand, or at least I hope we will.  It will be behind us one way or the other knowing that we exhausted all possibilities.  Maybe adoption will be our future.  But until a few more unknowns are removed we are still going to be in limbo wondering what that future might be.

I just called him and told him I love him. 

Sunshine But No Roses

I posted this item in my shop this morning.  It's one of my own design and more favorite of pieces.

Well I've got the sunshine this morning but there are no roses.  Not even in my cheeks.  I think that the only place the roses are might just be in my throat as it's red and the tonsils are swollen.

Last night I complained while eating dinner, ribs that were really tender that I made myself, that chewing hurt.  After dinner while flossing I noticed that I had swollen gums and cut marks where my wisdom teeth used to be.  The gums has swollen so much that they had cracked.  I kid you not.  Then I looked down my throat and oh Joy!  I'm blaming it on the poor air quality that we have right now.  There are some fires less than an hour away and our news has reported the bad air quality.  Maybe this is the reason why I had a fever yesterday when the nurse checked my temp?

J has a sore throat and a headache too.  I can only imagine how many other folks are having respiratory  issues from the forest fires that live closer to it than do I.

So today I'm taking my herbal knowledge to the pot.  I'm going to boil up rose hips, lavender, echinacea, hibiscus, and chamomile to make a nice tea for my throat.  I would add in licorice root but I don't want to bring on endometriosis pain or diarrhea.  I'd make some for J but he likes having the licorice root in his tea.  Besides he has some ready made packets.  Oh and I'm going to use blackberry honey as a sweetener.  My cousin provided me with a container of the organic variety.

The RE office did get back to me yesterday.  I have a follow up appointment scheduled for the 1st of October.  Can you believe that is the soonest they could get me in with the amount of pain I've been in?  Since my two favorite doctors have left the clinic the place has gone to hell.  At least I still have some pain killers on hand.

Yesterday I took an hour away from drudgery and decided to draw.  I drew a really cool dragon on shrink plastic.  I mean even J thought it looked amazing except that I made the dragon's eye green and not yellow or red.  Picky picky picky.  Damn Virgo.  I have never used shrink plastic before and thought it would be cool to add a few things to my shop.  If it hadn't been for one corner curling up and a few bubble in the darn thing I would have created a cool window piece.  I was hoping to give it to J as a gift.  Frustrated, since it was ruined I cut it with my industrial scissors and loved feeling it shatter.  Next attempt will be later today.  I haven't put my drawing skills to use in years and I'm rusty but I'm having fun.

Only Time Will Tell Now

I finished this particular hat last night and today I listed it in my shop this morning before I headed off to see my doctor.

I love this hat.  I have my doubts that I will ever have a child of my own for whom I can make clothing for or teach things to, or even hang up their finger paintings.

At 0720 hrs I had my blood draw today.  As I was sitting there another baby was being born in the hospital.  The music played over the loud speaker.  I knew my test would be negative.  Last night the pain on the right side was explosive.  Yes, explosive is the best word to describe the pain.

The nurse that works in conjunction with my PCM was nice enough to give me my lab results when I asked if they were in yet.  She said I wasn't to let the doctor know that I knew about it though.
E2  183
P4 5.94 or 5 something
HCG   Negative

Looks like I'm back in cyst country.  I called up my RE office when I got back from the department of Licensing today.  My PCM filled out the request to renew my handicap parking placards.  I picked up my new ones.  He also put in a request for physical therapy today.  He wanted to put me in a boot or as some call it a walking cast.  I said no for now.  He said that if PT wants me in an air cast he is also willing to supply that.  Yes, my left ankle is still messed up from the new injury to it on the 29th of August.

I asked, in the voice mail I left, for my lab results and a follow up appointment.  Something is going to need to be done.  I know that they offered to take out the offenders last time but I'd like to keep my ovaries for a bit longer.  You could say I've grown attached to them.

I want a child but then I don't want a child.  I want a baby but only if J can be here with me to watch it grow up.  I'm scared that one day he won't come back.  Typical feelings mind you considering his employment.

I'm a bit depressed today and am eating my depression.  Since I'm not pregnant I asked J that on his way home he could see if the commissary has lox and cream cheese on hand.  Salmon is good for me.  That is how I'm going to justify the splurge.  Since I'm not pregnant I'm not worried about the soft cheese issue that pregnant women have to avoid.

Now what is going through my mind is the very fact that through out these past few months on until October if any of the IVFs or the one natural had made it I would have been either holding a new born or getting ready to give birth.  So today's Brahms lullaby playing over the loud speakers was a real kick in the pants.

I am thankful however that I still have a chance, if that is, I can go through with the donor egg program.  There is no guarantee.  I might still miscarry.  This is my killer womb we are talking about.  Damn endometriosis.

With the cost of donor eggs being so high; 30k for a fresh and 18k for a frozen I still can't see why they call it donor.  I mean the donor doesn't get much for them.  And at those prices I'd hardly call it a donation.  It's more like a state dinner function with dessert for two!

You know what?  I'd still pay out the cost if I knew for sure that J will be able to re-enlist.  For now I have to wait.  For now it's all a pipe dream and not one I can smoke.  Oh yeah, and I need to get the cyst problem under control. 

Slow Sunday

I put this item in my shop this morning.

Today has been a really slow start for us here.  I'm currently working on my book review post, reading another book, finishing up another baby hat, and doing laundry.  Sounds like a lot but it isn't really.

J was doing his homework this morning and is now cleaning the bathroom.  He likes to use strong chemicals when he cleans and with my asthma I have to be in another part of the house.  Every Sunday it's the same thing; cleaning the house.

Now that I've thrown myself into my Etsy shop full time I don't have the time for much else.  In a few months I'll have a lull again where I don't have to create as much for listing.  Right now I'm preparing for the upcoming holiday season which means, like last night, I was working on a project until 2100 hrs.

Tomorrow I do plan on giving back a bit to our household by making ribs for dinner.  Most likely I'll have to start their marinade tonight if they are going to be ready for finger licking goodness tomorrow evening.

On a side note, the heirloom tomatoes are starting to ripen up nicely.  J picked one of the Brandewine variety on Friday and several more are ready today.  It took long enough to get some decent growing weather here.

I'm a bit happier this morning because I have my bagel.  Still no sales so it's not an over the top kind of day as of yet.  I used to do a happy dance when someone would make a purchase in my shop.

Tomorrow is the blood draw.  I'm hoping for a bit of good news in the normalization of my hormones.  No spottting yet so I've no clue when AF is going to show up.  Usually it starts 5 days before hand for me and with tomorrow being 14 dpo I'm a bit confused.  Still really tired, hungry, bit of sore breasts, emotional so this leads me to believe it can't be much longer.

CD 20 12 DPO

I listed these preemie to newborn size booties in my shop today along with a newborn pink hat.  Still no sales.  I was truly hoping by now that I would have sold something, given my prices are quite competitive.  However, I do remember that a full month went by the first time I opened my shop before I had a sale.  With the holidays coming up hopefully I'll start to sell a few items.  It's basically my baby hope fund.  One way or another I hope to have a baby and if J gets out this is the only way I can afford it.

Yesterday was a good day.  I practiced my happiness.  Today wasn't so go and its not even half over.  Seriously who eats my bagels when they know I'm the one eating them especially when they have plenty of other food that they can eat?  Sometimes J can be so thoughtless and cold hearted.  I knew he was going to offer to run to the store and get me some at 1030 hrs but I said why bother because by the time you get back it will be lunch time.

I did a HPT this morning and it was negative again.  I packed up the test strips and put them away for another cycle.  Monday at least I'll find out the E2, P4 and of course the HCG.  At this point I'm more interested in the first two so that I can find out what went wrong.  I had the implantation pain and spotting.  I had symptoms then nothing after 8 dpo.  I know the egg quality is an issue.  I had just really hoped that I wouldn't have to possibly waste all of J's money on a DE cycle that might not work.  Especially since we don't know if he can re-enlist yet.

Oh he tells me that he is going to re-enlist.  Sure when?  I'm getting tired of this little game.  I need him to start looking for a job on the outside soon.  I need to look for a job that will accommodate my handicap needs.  If there is a chance he can't  re-enlist we need to face that fact with only 6 months left on this enlistment.  We need to start checking out places we want to move to.   This reminds me of vacation planning.  I do all the planning and he just drives for most of it.  Really maybe I'd like to drive and have him plan.  Its easy to drive.  If you don't like the route or the restaurant or the hotel you can always blame the person that did the planning.

So yes, I'm testy because I can't have that bagel I like to have first thing in the morning.  I can't have him go out and get me one freshly toasted with a shmeer of lox either since soft cheese, until we know via blood test along with sushi is a big no right now.  To those who drink coffee it's like finding that someone used up the last cup and didn't care if you wanted any.

CD 19 11DPO

These two items went into my shop today.  They are real coral, antiqued genuine Thai silver and something called aragonite which is the yellow bead. I enjoyed making this set as the colors cheered me up.

Now I need to send out thanks to all my friends and follows that leave me comments.  Thank you for being so supportive.

I believe that after testing again this morning the cycle is a bust.  But that is okay too. No, seriously it is okay.  Each failed cycle is a learning session for me.  Since Major S would like me on a form of progesterone to get my cycle to shed each time without cysts I think I'll just ask and hope that they allow me to do progesterone support after ovulation instead.  I can ask  and if they say no, well then okay too but I hate when they contradict themselves.  Monday's lab draw will show my hormone levels and hopefully give them a clue as to how to proceed since they have stated emphatically that they will no longer stimulate my ovaries because I only grow more cysts.  Okay well I grow cysts without the stimulation too.

Last night I convinced my pessimistic husband, he wasn't always a pessimist, to watch with me a PBS special called the The Happiness Advantage.  He sat through the video and took notes!  He thinks that he can implement the ideas and I really hope he does try.  I already knew most of the techniques from my DBT and J should have too from his DBT class that he recently took. I was starting to think that he slept through most of his DBT classes.

Its pretty simple and I'll list the notes that J took last night.
 5 Habits of Happiness

1. The Three Gratitudes.  For 21 days write down 3 new things that you are grateful for each day.  If married share them with your spouse before bed.
2. The Doubler.  Think of a meaningful experience from each day and write down everything you can think about it.
3. Fun Fifteen.  Add 15 minutes of fun activity each day--- must be mindful and physically active, ie: think exercise like walking, or playing Frisbee with your dog.
4. The Ripple Effect.  Consciously add 3 random smiles.  You might find that by the third smile it's contagious.  Try it out in a public place.  Note:  try holding a pen horizontally in your mouth it makes you smile.
5. Charge your Happiness Battery.  For 21 days think of a different person and write them a 2 minute note or email.

Today I'm going to start to follow this list because I know that right now with the pain I'm in I could use a happiness boost.

CD 18 10DPO

I listed this hat at my shop  today.  Someone added the blue version of this particular hat to their treasury list.  I'm so happy to know that someone out there likes what I'm creating.

I called my RE office today and left a message requesting that the P4 and E2 be added to Monday's labs.  Nurse J called me back and said that she added it on for me.  Nope, no mention to me about the rest of the message I left.  I told them that I had been in chronic pain.  It hurts to walk with the pain radiating down my right leg from the pelvis.  I swear if it was Nurse M or Nurse S I would have been told to come in asap.

Oh well!

Yesterday I reviewed the full copy of medical records sent to my address.  Seems that they included more than just the infertility ones.  I'm okay with that.  I found out something interesting from the last visit with the cardiologist that was in his personal notes.  I'll get to that in a minute.  What I did notice in my infertility records is that only Lt.Col. B. refers to me as Rebecca.   All the other doctors have referred to me in their notes by age and female patient.   Is there any wonder why I like Lt.Col. B. so much?  He has a wonderful beside manner too.  I just wish that he wasn't away from the clinic right now.

After scouring all my reports I have this to say:  the transcribers need to learn how to spell and to check what they are typing out.  The doctors need to listen up.  Two large errors:  1)  I am not bipolar I have borderline personality disorder and yes there is a difference, 2) I do not have children.  They keep listing me as having two children.  When did I have them?  Are they invisible to me and my spouse?  So I'll need to address this little issue with my record when next I see my PCM which will be Monday.  At least they finally got my race corrected.

Now for the cardiology report.
Telemetry ECG: Sinus rhythm with sinus arrhythmia 77 beats per minute, normal axis, no pathologic Q waves, left atrial abnormality, QRS 84 ms, QTC 450 seconds.

I looked this up.  It seems to go hand in hand with the diagnosis that I was given  22 years ago in an ER by the neurologist, Dr. Mosby I think was his name,  that saw me that day.  I was given propranolol to take care of the issue while the patient in the bed next to me was given anti-anxiety meds.  I thought that there must have been a mistake since I was only 21 at the time.  There wasn't but I didn't like the side effects of the medicine and trashed it.  My diagnosis back then was abnormally shaped heart with mitral valve prolapse starting.  So yes, I still have the issue but its still not going to kill me any time soon.  It seems as though only my respirations are affecting the sinus rhythm right now and I have no intention of holding my breath.   I'm on labetalol since the heart attack I had in March of 2009.  Life goes on.

Oh and the hpt was stark white again today.  I think we have a cyst growing.
symptoms:
sore breasts
pelvic pain bilateral with some uterine cramping
vivid dreams and some nightmares
hungry

CD 17 9DPO

I posted this item at my shop today along with matching moon earrings.

So I caved in today and tested at home.  I was going to wait until tomorrow but with the symptoms I was having I needed to eliminate a factor.  Yes the test was negative.  I really didn't expect it to be positive since I know it's still early.  I'll test again tomorrow.

Last night I had a lot of right side groin pain.  It made walking rather difficult as the pain radiated down my right side to the knee.  I had J get my cane for me so I could walk supported to the bathroom at least.  I'm thinking that I have a cyst again.  The E2 number didn't drop low enough and the cyst that was on the right side was only 2.5 from the 5 it was before but we all know I'm special.  I also have a follicle cyst as of last week on the left side that was measuring a 3.

Symptoms:
I've now lost 3 pounds in two days
pelvic pain bilateral
pain radiating down right leg making walking difficult
sore breasts
hunger
oh and even though I've lost weight my jeans are tighter than ever in the lower pelvic region just above the pubic hair line.

This isn't looking good folks.  If I get another cyst it's going to put using donor eggs back farther on the shelf than I had hoped.  Sure a pregnancy would have or would be nice but I'm having my doubts about it being pregnancy symptoms.  Monday can't get her quick enough.  I think Friday I'll give the RE a call again and ask them to add E2 and P4 to the lab test.  Something isn't good.

Today's mail was all mine.  That is surprising to me since of late most of it has been J's.  He received his glasses and college materials in the mail the past two weeks.  Today I'm the winner though I'm not so sure that is a good thing.  One of the pieces of mail I received was 9 x 13 inch 1/2 inch thick envelope from my hospital.  Maybe its the records they finally got around to copying?  I'll open it now to find out.  Yup good guess.  It did say Department of the Army Commander Madigan on it.  I requested a few records, infertility ones, back in July...took a bit to get them huh?  Now I have something to read today.

#######UPDATE######
From the doctor notes on 4 Sept with Major S.  Got to love this one.  I have two follicles on the left ovary and one on the right.  She never told me I had more than one on the left.  Largest one was the one recorded and told to me besides the one on the right.  SO um, could I have ovulated two eggs?  Well not like it matters much now.

CD 16 8DPO

I listed these today at my shop along with a matching hat.

Sighs...so much on my mind of late.  I don't want to think about all of it at once because I'll probably stress out.

1)  Still no idea if J might be able to re-enlist.  He does have some back issues from all that gear they are made to carry around.  It caused the natural curve in his back to disappear.  Now they are trying, through adjustments, to get it back.

2)  I'm feeling odd.  So tired.  Last night I ate like a pig and lost almost 2 pounds.  I mean come on I ate three meals and two snack then pigged out by eating a pack of zingers and a whole pint of full fat ice cream.  What is the deal?  Why did I lose weight?  That can't be normal.

3) Seems like my viewers on my blog are slowly deserting me.  Have I offended them?  Well it is my blog and I have the right to post here what I want right?

4)  It's 9/11 and I swear the US has forgotten.  Seems like they only want to vote it in as a holiday so that they can get an extra day off of work.

5) Seems like the US has also forgotten that we still have a war going on .  On average there is one death per day of this war.  After 11 years that adds up folks.  Families have been torn apart.  Fathers, brothers, sister, mothers, sons, daughters haven't come home except in coffins or what they could scrape up to put into the box.  So many have come home injured bodily and mentally.   Why have we forgotten them?  Why do we just center our attention for one day a year on the Twin Towers?  Did we forget the plane that crash landed in the field or how about the plane that crashed into the Pentagon?  Seems like all we remember is NYC.

Blood Test Results

At 1455 hrs Pacific Time Nurse M ( my favorite one) called me with the results.  Before giving me the results she asked me what we were expecting.  I said that I was thinking that perhaps another cyst with the symptoms I'm having.

Here are the results for 7 DPO:
Estridol (E2) was 124
Progesterone (P4) was 9.73

Though I'd like to see the E2 lower and the P4 higher it is only 7 DPO.  Hopefully my unmedicated, totally natural cycle will fix itself.  The E2 level means that there is possibly some cyst activity.  The P4 level means that I ovulated accordingly.  Wishing it were a solid 10 but like Nurse M said its only .27 off from it.  I guess give it another day.

So the symptoms could be leaning either way.  I told Nurse M that I realize we could schedule a beta HCG for next week Monday which will be 14 DPO but I'm scared because that will only be CD21.  She wants to schedule the beta.  She is always nurse hopeful.

Thursday I can start POAS.  I'm holding back until then because I'll be 10 DPO by then and I might stand a better chance of seeing a faint line by that day.  If I don't that is okay too because I realize it is early still.

Yes it could be early pregnancy symptoms.  It could be PMS or another ovarian cyst.  I'm not going to dwell on it and I'll get back to the hat I'm currently crocheting.  I'm trying to see if I can make an adult variation of the baby hats I've made for my shop.

Off to the kitchen I go to make supper.  Organic no hormones Turkey for the turkey meatloaf, Yukon gold potatoes mixed with the last of the potatoes I grew this year for mashed potatoes and french cut string beans.  One of J's favorite meals.  Last night I made red cabbage and bockwurst for him.

If some how I turn out to be pregnant naturally again, its been almost a year since that fete, I'm going to seriously have to figure out just how the heck my body allowed it again.  Oh and definitely hope that this one will stick if there is one in there and I'll be praying that it will be healthy with my ancient eggs.

CD 15 7DPO

Available for purchase in my shop.

Well as I type this I'm waiting to get the results from my lab work at 0845 hrs.  I have to wait at least until 1045 hrs to call the clinic.

I'm glad I went into my clinic today before going to the lab.  I was going to request that the blood draw be a STAT.  Turns out that Nurse J never even had Major S put in the lab request.  Now I'm not liking Major S or Nurse J all that much today.  Guessing Dr.B. was on hand today as the blood work paper stated his name on it and not Major S.
Nurse S is wonderful.  I spoke with her and told her what is going on with me symptom wise.  I'm afraid to say that I think I might be developing another ovarian cyst.  So Nurse S had Dr.B.  (one of whom did my surgery the other being Lt.Col. B) put in my request for an E2 level as well as the  P4.

symptoms today:
bi-lateral pelvic pain
back ache
sore breasts
uterine cramping
fatigue from having a week of insomnia (it's getting to be hard to fall asleep at night.  maybe I should take naps during the day?)
hungry

I'm really hoping the E2 level is going down from the 316 of last week Tuesday.  When my estrogen is up my breasts start to hurt along with the other symptoms listed above.  Oh I realize they could also be PMS or early pregnancy symptoms.  I'm so used to the ovarian cyst pain symptoms though that I doubt it could be anything else.

I'll blog about the lab results once I find out what they are.

CD 14 6 DPO

So I had a horrible nightmare this morning.  I thought about the nightmare and it seemed to have a bit of a moral to the storyline.

In my dream I was driving to Florida with my husband to tell my parents that I was pregnant.  I get to their condo and find it's a murder scene.  Home invasion.  The body aren't covered up.  It's a mess.  My brother showed up before I did and he is now laying claim to all my parents possessions.  I started crying.  Not because of the loss of the possessions but because I had lost my parents.  The only thing I wanted in the dream after my parents were removed was two cookbooks that had been in the family for a while.

So after waking up I evaluated the dream.  It's best to not wait to tell my parents when I do get pregnant again even if it means that they will have to possibly deal with me losing another one.  Yes, I had thought to not tell them until I was in the fourth month.  Too much heart ache to let them know sooner but really I think with my dad's health being so bad it's best to tell him right away.  He is living on borrowed time.

I've also learned that most things I could care less about owning that were my parents.  I just truly do want the two cookbooks.  If my brother, who is quite greedy about material things, wants it all I'll most likely not fight him.

No my parents no longer have their condo in Florida so the likelihood of this dream happening is basically nil.

Symptoms of either pregnancy or PMS:

Breasts are a bit sore---could be too much estrogen and another cyst forming
Tight feeling and some cramping in the uterus----could be endo and adenomyosis pain
Bi-lateral pelvic twinges today and last night---could be cyst pain.
Heightened sense of smell----maybe my sinuses are starting to clear up!  Yay!


I listed two more pairs of baby booties in my shop today.   http://www.etsy.com/shop/darendianadesigns?section_id=12104337

CD 13 5DPO

Interesting day yesterday.

I fired my lawyer.

I got really annoyed by someone that I thought I could trust.  No not the husband.

I had pain on the left side in my pelvis.

So lets start with the lawyer.  I fired my work comp lawyer yesterday.  I need a letter from the firm stating that I no longer use them as representation.  For four years I haven't received a dime of monies owed to me.  My TENs unit died they say they can't help me.  Turns out they archived my case a few years ago.  Yes, archived it as in they don't care.  So I'm going to deal directly with the insurance carrier myself.  I spoke with them on the phone yesterday.  They instructed me what to do and gave me the name of my case worker.  Funny I had just asked my lawyer who my case worker was and they gave me the wrong name and a non-working number.  Mind you this was before I called them back and told them that they were fired.  They have no clue what is going on with my case.  I explained to the insurance company that I recently re-injured the same body part.   Its chronically unstable or so my doctors have told me.

Now as for the betrayer of my trust.  I'd like to write quite a bit about it on here but unfortunately the offender does occasionally read my blog.  Let's just say that I can no longer trust this person and will slowly wean off contact with them.  It will just seem like we've grown apart is all.  I've told my husband about this person and one other person that is a blogger and good friend on facebook.  I know my husband and my friend on facebook won't rat me out.

Last night I had some pain on the left side of my pelvis.  This morning my uterus was feeling really tight when I did my morning stretches.  I went pee, wiped of course, and noticed a tan-ish discharge in the mucus.  Kind of early for the spotting of my period to begin.  Still might be a bit early for implantation bleeding to start.  Though it is possible I suppose I mean my body is weird like that.  I did ovulate on CD 8 which is really early.  Well whatever it is I'll know more about what is going on in my body on Monday when I get my P4 levels checked.  Hopefully Nurse J marked it stat and not routine.  If its routine I could be waiting days to find out my levels.  Maybe I should stop by their clinic first to ask if they could mark it stat for me?

ETSY shop is updated with two new items today.  J is busy making an antiqued silver color (gunmetal) chainmaille bracelet today.  I'll post it when he is finished.  Could take him another week to finish it since he is really busy with his homework today too.

CD 12 4 DPO

So Nurse S called me yesterday with my 1DPO labs.

LH:    10.05
FSH:    4.63
P4:       0.23
E2:    316

Remember all of the numbers above are with a natural cycle.  No stims or support.

Nurse S asked if I was recruiting follicles.  I told her no I had just ovulated.  I was a bit concerned with the progesterone being so low.  Nurse S said the level was okay for having just ovulated.  She said the doctor didn't want me on progesterone support, at least now.  Finally they are realizing there might be an issue with the endometriosis and my progeterone levels.

I called back today, yesterday it was rather late when Nurse S called me.  I asked Nurse J if I could get a P4 for next week.  I actually had to argue with her a bit.  I hate when she plays know it all.  Finally her mind clicked on to what I was asking.  I was asking for the day 7-10 Progesterone test (P4) to ensure my levels were rising accordingly.

So Monday being day 7 you know I"ll have my arm out for a lab draw.  Nurse J said that she would be more than willing to put the request into the system now that she understands.

Thursday next week I'm going to start POAS.  If it shows even the faintest lines I'm going to call my doctor and tell them what is going on especially if the lab work shows low numbers.  I'm getting way too old to play these games with the medical staff.

Now about the ETSY shop, no sales yet but I'm still hoping that I'll get some soon.  I posted more baby stuff today.  Every day I'm working on creating more items for the shop.

https://www.etsy.com/listing/108851426/preemie-to-newborn-size-crochet-tickle  I think these turned out so cute!

CD 11

Well as some of you know I had hoped to go to San Juan for our  7th anniversary later this month.  I called to use my voucher that I had purchased on line and well no luck.  Seems as though some people have better planning skills than me.  That happens.  The soonest I can go on a vacation to this particular place in San Juan will be October.  Ugh!

So I guess I'll be taking a break to go up there probably in Winter which does not please me one bit as I can bet most everything fun to do on the island will be closed down.  Or it will be bitter cold up there.  Has anyone been to San Juan in Winter?

Now I need to work my vacation around the crown I'm having put in place on the 27th.  Last night I had a tooth build up done on a molar.  Not too bad since I didn't need a root canal.  We were really hoping I wouldn't need one.  Next appointment will be the temporary placement of a cap and two weeks later a permanent crown.

With that appointment so noted I now need to find another destination.  Maybe J and I will just go out for dinner on our anniversary.  We haven't done that in a while.  Besides if I know AF she'll be here to wreck any plans I'd like to have.  If she doesn't show up then I'll be celebrating something else most likely.

Today is day CD 11 or 3 DPO.  With another approximately 13 days to go in my two week wait.  Most likely the anniversary will be a wait and see what's going on with my reproductive organs weekend.

Yesterday I started working on the preemie to newborn booties for my shop.  I'll list more baby items tomorrow.  Today, since I alternate, is jewelry listings.  The foot base on the booties is 2.75 inches.   I swear these things are near impossible to take photos of without them looking lumpy.  I guess that is because the yarn is so soft it's not stiff enough to stand upright without a foot in them.  Alas my foot is way too big to model these.  For some reason the lighting was different enough in the same place I take the other photos to put a slight yellowish cast to the photo.  I'll have to fix that before I post them to the shop.

I'll make more booties today.  I have nothing better to do than wait around for return phone calls for the next two days from my doctors and lawyers.  6 years I've been dealing with these lawyers.  I'm about to give up.

January First

While I read this true story I felt conflicted.  I knew how it felt to be labeled.  I am not schizophrenic, however I do have borderline personality disorder.  Twelve years ago I was misdiagnosed as Bipolar NOS.  I have been put on various cocktails of drugs of which never seemed to work.  They have upped my dosages to the point that I would fall down while trying to walk.  I was even put on Geodon, an anti-psychotic, at one point because my ex husband convinced my psychiatrist that I was hearing things.  It took a divorce to show the doctors it wasn't me and I wasn't having mental issues other than the borderline personality disorder brought on by the years of abuse.

No, I wasn't hearing things.  I heard him talking in low volumes on his cell phone to his mistress, now his second wife.  The problem wasn't with me, the problem was with my first marriage.  There is only just so much mental and physical abuse a person can take before they snap.  I snapped in the wrong direction.  I felt worthless and wanted the world to stop so I tried to take my life.  See, wrong direction.

I can only describe the feeling like I was in a bird  eggshell.  I was closed in and trying to drown out the problems around me but my shell was still to fragile to protect me and I cracked.

Finally I found the right direction.  No medication could fix the issues for me.  Talk therapy helped immensely.  DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) group sessions helped me find the good in my life and the good in me.  I got out of the bad marriage.  The old me just wouldn't work in the new world that I had to create for myself.  I learned to cope with the environmental factors and radically accept that which I could not change.

Unfortunately for people like Jani with schizophrenia, January, talk therapy alone doesn't normally work like it did for people like me with lesser disorders.  Like many of my schizophrenic friends ( I met quite a few in the psych ward while I was being held), they need to find an equilibrium between the medications, their variation of reality, and the talk therapy of which for some can help immensely.

Though I do not have schizophrenia I do understand how it feels be held against one's will in a psych ward.  I also know how it feels to not want to leave the psych ward since it can be quite a safe environment where friendships that you wouldn't have on the outside are formed with people that do understand.

How far would you go to advocate for your child? In January First, father Michael Shofield and his family struggle to find the right treatment for his daughter Jani, who was diagnosed with schizophrenia at six years old. Join From Left to Write on September as we discuss the Shofield's memoir January First. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

CD 9 Good News

My date with Wanda went fairly well today.  We have a new RE in the clinic and I got to see her.  Both Drs B are out right now.  One went TDY for three months and the other is on vacation today.  Oh well I'll have to adjust.

I have to say though that this Major S is a bit condescending and to the wrong person.  I hate doctors that think they know it all when they don't.  She tried to tell me that if I went with PNW for my oocycte purchase (hey think about what I'm paying...its not really a donation since I'm not getting a dinner special with it) they would have to transfer the embryo and thaw it at SRM.  I'm like, "no they won't".  I'm paying out 18k for it to all be done, except for the monitoring, at PNW.  She was, "I'll have to check on that while you get dressed.".

Suffice it to say, I was right.  Thank you to Stephanie at sometimes its hard to get pregnant for informing me all about what I need to know in advance.  I had already discussed all of the ins and outs with Lt.Col. B before he went TDY.  Oh and I told Major S that bit but she is stubborn to say the least.

Now on to some bit of good news.
The 5 cm cyst on the right side is now 2.5 cm.  YAY!
My OPK yesterday showed a surge.  I used the information yesterday wisely and will again today.
The ultrasound showed that indeed I did ovulate on the left side.  A 30 mm cyst is what it probably was Major S said and it's collapsing in on itself now.  Okay so 30mm probably means the egg was over ripe but hey, I ovulated on my own and I still have a chance.

Now since its only CD 8 when I ovulated, we know I ovulate early, I have about a 16 wait in my two week wait.  I'm far from normal ladies.  My cycle is normally 25-27 days.  So 16 is about right.

I told J he has to be very nice to me until I either test positive on the hcg or see red again.  No stressing me out.

So I'm officially in my two week wait ladies.  Fingers crossed it worked.  My labs will be in tomorrow for the P4, E2, FSH, LH that Major S ordered.  She didn't put stat on them so it's just routine.

If J gets to re-enlist, we'll know more in October, I'll be put on hormones right off and be on the phone with the clinic in Seattle to get the donor egg going asap.

Side note:  I lost 1.8 pounds overnight.  Finally the bloat is coming off again.  Looks like the Endo Diet is truly helping to shrink the ovarian cysts.

 J created this last night for my ETSY shop.

I made this one and will list it tomorrow maybe.

And I made this one too.  So maybe I'll add more hats and booties tomorrow.

CD 8

The line is growing darker today.  Yay!  Unfortunately in the past two days I've gained 1.6 pounds.  Seems like I might have an issue with fluid retention which could mean the cyst is still there on the right side.  Well the pain is bilateral so I can only guess right now.  Tomorrow's appointment will hopefully yield a few answers.

I forgot to trim the strings back on these baby booties before I took photos of them.  I noted said trimming in the item description on my ETSY shop.  J loves these booties.  I'm waiting for him to ask me to make him a pair of crocheted slippers from the same yarn.

Today I listed just four pairs of baby booties.  Go have a look see.  I still have several more pairs in different colors to list.  I finished another hat last night and will create another today.  I'll probably list more baby items on Wednesday.  Tomorrow I'll list more of my jewelry.

J ticked me off this morning.  I had just weighed myself and found out that I had gained 0.8 pounds overnight.  I asked him to bring the two full laundry baskets to the laundry room so that I could do the wash.  (Yes, even with my severely sprained ankle I'm still trying to do things around the house.  And yes it hurts like heck.)  He dropped a pair of my panties on his way to the laundry room.  His comment was, "I thought the basket felt light.".  Oh my I saw red.  My comment to him was, "do you want me to slap your face for that insult?".  I of course did not do him any violence but I let him know that I wasn't going to take his insult.  He of course immediately back peddled and said he didn't mean to insult me.  Sure. Sure.  I know when he insults me.  I'd rather he just tell me that I'm getting fat than to insult me.  My pelvic region is sticking out, looking like I'm nearing my second trimester, from the bloat.  Like I said in the first paragraph I'll find out the probable cause of the weight gain tomorrow.

CD 7

Today I listed four jewelry items in my ETSY shop.  This is a photo of the chain maille bracelet that J made for the shop.  Its 8 inches in length.  I told him to be careful and consider making a few smaller ones too.  I have a small wrist, just under 6 inches around.

Its CD7.  The OPK line is starting to darken.  Will I have a chance with my shitty eggs this cycle?  Who knows.  But I'm going to give this cycle my best effort.  I'm still going to enjoy my life.

J and I are still hoping to move onto donor eggs soon but we, alas, have to wait on the Army.  So until we know how much money we have to use for donor eggs everything I sell in my ETSY shop, see the link at the side of my blog, will go to cover the infertility treatments or possible adoption fund that the medical insurance doesn't cover.  After paying out-of-pocket for numerous IUIs and two IVF we have to be careful with what money we have left in the savings.  If J does have to leave the Army we'll need that money to survive on until he can find steady work.  Time has run out on us trying to conceive without the aid of medical intervention.  Hopefully my shop will yield a few dollars to help pay for a bit of the process of getting a child.

We have not ruled out adoption.  Adoption is just going to take a lot longer and more money than going the donor egg route.  I hate to even think that the donor eggs will fail because then well, I'll just break down and cry and cry and cry.  Not like I haven't done enough crying already.

Why donor eggs?  Well as we all know men tend to bond more quickly with someone they have something in common with.  What is better than sharing DNA?  I will more than likely bond with the baby while it's in my womb.  I could care less about my own DNA except for the fact that it would have saved us a chunk of change that we could have put into the child's college/trade school fund.

So here I sit watching the line darken and having some hope for a possible easy future.  Ugh, there is no "easy" with endometriosis so I'm not sure why I even used that word.  But I think that most of you know what I mean.  If all goes well I'll be ovulating right around the time the RE checks me out which will be on Tuesday.  Fingers crossed, legs wide open, eyes covered by crossed fingers that I see some follicle and not MEGA huge cyst activity on the ultrasound machine on Tuesday.