CD 1: IVF #2 Begins

I awoke this morning to a phone call from my REI nurse at Madigan returning my phone call from yesterday.  My calendar is now ready with the scan times and drug dosing for the next IVF.  I'm waiting for the microdose of Lupron to show up which won't be here until early January.

My protocol has changed a bit.  I'll still be using Lupron but I won't be starting it like I did last IVF, this time I'll be waiting until the day of my first scan, the suppression scan.

I'm excited.  Sure I'm a bit sad that the first IVF resulted in a miscarriage but I have hope again for this IVF.  Yes, I know I always keep hope.  I had hope for the natural cycle that I had in-between too.  I had the implantation bleeding on the right day but somehow it just didn't stick.  It never even made it to a chemical pregnancy this time.  But its still nice to know that some part of my body still work at least half way at my age.

Today looks like from the toilet tissue wiping to be day one.  Bright red bleeding was there.  I'm always prepared with boxes of tampons and packs of pads so its not like its ever going to be one of those, "hun, please run to the store for me?" days when it happens.  Well, I hope that never happens at least.

I am thinking of no longer buying tampons.  For the past year or two using them has grown very uncomfortable.  I'm not sure if its the endo pain or what.  They don't work that well for me either with the amount I bleed.  I'm changing even the supers in under an hour when I have my heavy days. 

Bleeding is always a messy subject but somehow I always felt in better control of it, mess-wise, when I was able to use a tampon with comfort.  Now I'm becoming paranoid thinking that perhaps my body is trying to tell me something when it wants to reject it.  Maybe having a tampon sitting inside my body collecting all that blood just isn't good for it.  I'm thinking about the bacteria breeding ground its creating.  While I, knock on wood, have yet to ever have a yeast infection I do wonder if using a tampon could create the proper environment to get one.  Shudders to think of that particular mess.

The REI nurse told me that I could start the birth control by day two of my new cycle.  I don't have enough time to go for another natural cycle before I'd have to be on the pill so I'll be starting it by tomorrow I'm thinking.  My cut off date to start birth control is the 18th of December.  I'll be ringing in the holidays with migraines.  Birth control always gives me migraines and tension headaches.

The sound of the television, the one in the living room makes a slow leak noise of a balloon with buzzing, will give me headaches while on the hormones too.  I love watching the holiday movies too.  I'm a real sucker for the old black and white versions of  Its A Wonderful Life,  White Christmas,  and The Bishop's Wife.  Cary Grant plays an angel in the last one.  Got to love Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart, Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye (spelling his last name?).  I love to watch the dancing scenes in White Christmas. 

Well I'll be spending my holidays with my paper chains, snowflakes, and other craft works to decorate while I watch my holiday flics.  I'll be relaxing and hoping that this will be the cycle to grant me my dream baby.

42T

I need this in a 42T.  That is 42 Toddler.  Seriously there are days when my legs give way, like this morning, that I feel like a toddler again.

I told my husband this morning I need a size 42T.  He asked me what that was and I explained baby sizing to him.  There are 2T, 3T and 4T which are all ages with corresponding T's next them for toddler. 

He then wanted to know, he knows nothing about babies mind you, what the Toddler part was doing next to the age/size.  I explained it means that the outfits normally have more in the butt areas for a diaper since most of the children are still potty training at that age.

So I need a 42T since at my age when I have a cold and a full bladder its "look out!" if I don't get to the bathroom quickly enough, I might have a few drops come out.  Oh and with the endometriosis I swear I need a diaper for all that blood.  So yes, I want a 42T.


I imagine a 42T would look much like the above photo.  Its rather cute too.  Or I could just go with one of those lazy outfits that looks like fleece jammies that they sell on television now.  You've seen the ones where they are actually wearing them in public.  The Forever Lazy pajamas.  I don't think I could bring myself to wear something like them in public.  Maybe at home on really lazy, I'm sick don't get near me fibromyalgia days.  But in public?  Hell NO!!

Unfortunately I've seen many folks wearing their pajamas to the military Exchange and to the Commissary.  What were they thinking?  Our post facilities are starting to look like they are over run by Wal-mart oddities.

Leave the jammies at home unless you can completely disguise them as regular street clothes.

Blog Awards, Another Round

Thank you EndoWarrior and Living With Endo for this award.  I appreciate you both thinking of me when you gave this award to me and I'll now pass it on to 15 other wonderful bloggers.


The rules for receiving this award are: Tell seven things about yourself and pass on the award to 15 other great bloggers.

Seven things about me that maybe you didn't already know:

1)  I'm 42
2)  I was raised in NY state, way upstate near Canada.
3)  I have French Canadian ancestors.
4)  I love to read.  I mean I have so many books right now that often I give them away because I'm an     Army Wife and have limited weight when we move so I can't keep all the books that I've read.
5)  I do charity work when possible.
6)  I've been married once before and had it annulled.
7)  I love cats more than dogs but it doesn't mean I don't have affection for dogs I just prefer my furry friends to be cats.

Now for the 15 blogs I have chosen to pass this on to:
1) Mommy Odyssey
2) Steph at Dogtags And Devotion
3) Niki at What Dreamers Do
4) Alex at First Time Twins
5) Sushi Girl at Just Us And The Cat
6) keeniebeanie
7) chasingourstork
8) missconception
9) ablanket2keep
10) adventuresinfertilityandmortality
11) Do I Have To Be A Dink
12) Just Two Lines Away
13) fromcupboardtocupboard  I like good food
14) Journey To The Center Of The Uterus
15) Of Cabbages And Kings

Walking The Ledge Of Insanity

This morning I did my final testing.  Both tests were so negative that I'm surprised the control lines even showed up.  Its time to move on from this failed cycle.  Its time to once again let go.

Last night I was watching the season finale of Sister Wives and I cried.  I opened up my box of grief and started to let it flood out.  I called to my husband, who was in another room, for a hug.  He thought of himself again first as the room I was in was colder than where he had been.  Instead of seeing my grief he saw what he needed first.  There are days I feel so unimportant in his eyes.  So I sucked the flood back into my box and snapped that lid shut again.  What came out next was rage.  I shut off the television, I didn't finish watching the episode, and let the anger blast in his direction. He said I was right that he was being selfish.  All I wanted was a hug.  I wanted to once in our marriage come first.  I can't make him give to me what he is not able to give.  I have to accept that.

So I went to bed alone last night.  I said I was angry.  I refused to sleep with him.  Couples have that happen from time to time.  Because I went to bed angry I paid for it in  my dreams.  I was once again locked in that four year old girls body.  At four I experienced the wrath, the violence, the abuse of sexual, physical and mental abuses that no one of any age should have to endure.  I paid for it all over again in my dream world.

My next appointment with my psychologist is not until 9 December.  I hope I can hold myself together that long.  I could call and leave a voice mail message begging to be seen earlier but it wouldn't do any good.  J needs the vehicle for his classes this week.  He has already informed me that its a good thing that I don't have any appointments this week.  Geez, make me feel worse already because I had been thinking about trying to get an appointment for the pelvic pain.  Did I forget to mention that I'm in a lot of pain right now from the endometriosis?  I swear its worse as my period draws ever near.

So I'm awake, I've showered, made the bed and now will drink my caffeinated tea, something I haven't had in weeks, in the hopes that some sort of regime will fight off the depression knocking at my mental doors.  I've got a little over two months before the next egg retrieval and I plan on using that time to lose more weight, exercise, get my marriage in better shape and my mind too.  We'll see how much I actually get accomplished.

Oh and I might just go back to church.  What?  Yes, the church.  The Roman Catholic Church.  I've been feeling a pull in that direction for most of the year.  I've been fighting it off.  But I think I need to go there and address my issues of why I pulled away and why so many are going back to the faith.

Look to my next blog post, possibly later today for the awards I'll be handing out to other bloggers.  For now I need to get going on the projects here at home.

Not Very Patient

It stands to reason that because I'm infertile and I go through so very many tests and procedures the folks about me would think that I'm a very patient person.  I'm not.  I home tested yet again this morning.

Finally I figured out the exact date of my ovulation.  16th of November.  Okay that means that the next day would be the first day in the two week wait.  Today being the 27th of November is day 11 or 11DPO for those that prefer to write it that way.  Still negative.

Being that the HPT was negative I used an OPK too, I just wanted to see what was going on there.  I got two lines.  Why on Earth would I use an OPK?  Well it can be used for a HPT. HCG and LH are similar hormones found in the body.  An OPK tests for the LH at higher amounts so that each test when positive with a dark line would show true since LH is always found in the body at trace amounts.  HCG and LH at a molecular level are nearly identical but for the fact that HCG has a little extra something however it means that an OPK can still detect HCG levels.

So knowing this I tested and found a line, not really dark but a line in the test area besides the control area of my OPK.  My OPK line is darker than the one on the website, so does this mean I won?  Well the HPT test was either so faint it had to be turned at an angle and looked at with special binoculars or there just isn't one visible without super human vision.

A better understanding of how to use this trick is at peeonastick.com 
Here are the photos for the same number of DPO to mine from their site.

For some reason my camera just bites when it comes to taking photos of late.  My HPT was identical to the above and a line wasn't really there either.  But my OPK was a lot darker.

The OPK is the blue ended one and HPT is the pink/red ended one.  Like I said my camera bites of late.  Something with the auto focus and I'm starting to wonder if it got dropped without me knowing about it. This does not mean I am ovulating as my test line was still much lighter than the control line.  I know that things can be screwed up for a while after a miscarriage.  Maybe in February I'll get the BFP after the January IVF.

Okay so if I don't get at least a decent faint line tomorrow for 12DPO I'm going to not test the following day.  I'll not test again until my period is late.  I doubt it will be late, even though my breasts still ache when I cross my arms.

Note that I've still been puking up a bit and last night my temp was over 99 but under 100 using my BBT thermometer (99.24). So I either have a touch of the flu, remainders of slight food poisoning (no more egg smelling belches after the first few hours of it), or something just isn't right in my temple.  Some tan spotting continues, had a touch of pink last night but I think it was from trying to detect the cervix position.  I might have irritated it a bit.

Whatever happens I know I have January IVF as my back up.  I'm taking it easy today because I feel ill.  J has gone to the grocery store to pick up some fill in foods to our cabinet until I feel like going for a full grocery trip again.  He can be a sweetie when he wants something.  LOL

Feeling A Little Sick

Okay I'm tired, so tired that I slept in until 1030 hrs today.  I tried to nap yesterday afternoon but my bladder had other ideas.  NOT PREGNANT still.  Yup you heard me, the test is still negative.

So I'm probably testing way too soon.  I'm not due for another cycle to start until at the earliest 1 December.  I had a three day window of LH surge and I figured that yesterday was my 10DPO.  I could be wrong and it could be the final day of the three day surge.

My boobs, while not as sensitive as yesterday are still swollen, tender and plain annoying as they seem to be everywhere but where they should be which is staying within the limits of my bra.

I'm nauseated right now after eating.  Could be the flu as early this A.M.  my belches were smelling of sulfur.  Thankfully that smell has gone away and I really hope it doesn't come back.  After researching the smell it seems to have come from what I ate yesterday at Subway Store # 6901, a meatball sub.  Can you say food poisoning?  At least it was mild enough of an attack but I won't be eating at that place again.  So if I am pregnant I really hope this won't affect the embryo, if there is an embryo.

I would like to thank the bloggers at Miss Conception and A Blanket 2 Keep for giving me this award.  I really appreciate her thoughtfulness in deciding I deserved it.  Her blog is an IF journey of conception and loss and how she is coping with it all.  I can only hope to be as strong as she is.

This Award is given to bloggers who have less than 200 followers, all in the spirit of fostering new connections. Leibster is German & means ‘dearest’ or ‘beloved’ but it can also mean ‘favorite’. The idea of the Leibster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

Here are the rules:

1. Thank the giver and link back to the blogger who gave it to you.

2. Reveal your top five picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. Copy and paste the award on your blog.

4. Hope that the people you’ve sent the award to forward it to their five favorite bloggers and keep it going!

#1 is Alex

I read her blog about her twin pregnancy because as we all know creating one baby is hard but creating twins is extra hard.  She really deserves this award.

#2 Another Dreamer 

She  has a dream to have a baby and has never given up.  With only a few weeks to go in her pregnancy I love to hear how the she is getting everything ready.  One day I hope to be in her shoes and having my own nursery prepped.

#3Singlemom2b

I give this award to her because she is going about this whole IF process without a partner.  I applaud her decision.  I know I couldn't do it without my spouse as I'm a big baby.

#4 Pork Chop this one is for you.  You always keep my spirits up.  Thanks for being there for me.  I really enjoy reading your blog.

#5 Paul  can't forget you man.  I've known you since I was a bratty teen.  I love reading your blog about your adoption and your family unit how it goes on with struggles, joys and winter life in the North Country of NY

For the rest of you,  I love reading all your blog post.  Really I do.  I wouldn't follow your blogs unless I found them interesting.  Keep up the good work.

CD 19 10DPO

I'm waiting for answers as its now CD19 10DPO.  I'm seeing just the control line on the HPT.  Yes, I know its really early still.  I know that I shouldn't be testing at all until CD25 or 26 but I can't wait.

I'll let you guys determine in your minds my possible outcome.

Here are my symptoms:

• Breasts are so sore that a hug good bye last night, while wearing my winter coat almost brought tears to my eyes.  They are swollen, heavy, really heavy and even the blanket hurts when I sleep.  Bending over makes them move in my bra and it hurts.
• I had pink spotting for a minute just after midnight when it became 9DPO.  Nothing since.
• I've been getting uterine twinges of pain since 8DPO through yesterday.  
• Forgetfulness.  
• Dizziness
• Nausea
• Fatigue, I've been yawning sleepy for a few days starting about 1400 hrs and onward.
• Bloat.  My 14's are tight enough with just 1 pound of weight gain in a week.  I'm back in my 16's.  Oh no wait gain from yesterday's feasting either, I gained the one pound slowly over the week with no change in weight from Wednesday to Friday.
• Slight irritability but its due to the other conditions because I can't get comfortable.
• Headache
• Sensitivity to smells.  Ugh unwashed body near me yesterday almost made me puke.

I'm sure all of the above can be attributed to PMS and other issues I have.  I know the ovary pain when I have an involuntary stretch is a real killer on the left side.  The left ovary I ovulated from this cycle.  So if I'm not pregnant this is going to suck with an ever increasing cyst.  I've had them before. The 9 CM cyst from hell.

I have to pick up my IVF meds soon.  I was going to pick them up and store them in the fridge but if I'm pregnant I'm not going to need them so why bother?  I'll know soon enough when the red witch shows up to curse me once again.

According to my IVF calendar I don't start the birth control until the 18th of December and I have three packs on hand here; so there is really no need to go pick up my medicine from the pharmacy this very day.  I can wait a week or two or three since I won't be starting the injections until around the 11th or 12th of January.  Might as well keep the fridge for food and not drugs as long as possible.

Besides its a holiday weekend and my spouse has it off.  Might as well spend some time with my soldier.

Now if anyone has any guesses, its still really hard to tell, put them below in the comments.  I'm not going to yell at you if you were wrong.  Remember I'm not a spring chicken in the IF world so its not like I have a high probability of getting pregnant.  I'm not lucky enough to be blessed with Michelle Duggar's fertility.

Feeling Ignored

I'm feeling rather ignored of late.  Oh I could go into the depths of my mind and dredge up possible self-deprecating reasons why I feel like I am and should be ignored but I'm not going to go there.

But its true, the facts are there, I'm being ignored.  Well how do I know?

About ten days ago I sent my spouse an email, a forwarded email full of information he needs to know for his job.  Now how do I know what he needs to know being that I'm only the wife of the soldier?  Well its because of my FRG.  Had my husband read the email I sent to him, listing what it was for in the headline he would have known this past Tuesday, yes yesterday, that he had to be somewhere important at a certain time. 

So I called him, he was in a hurry and wanted to know what I wanted to tell him.  I asked him where he was.  He told me where he was headed.  So I asked him if he was surprised that he had to be there, and of course he was surprised.  I then mentioned to him that I knew where he had to go and that if only he had read the email I had forwarded to him he would have been prepared.  I'm a Point Of Contact for my Family Readiness Group.  I often have the information that he needs to know but alas he ignores me.

Today, case in point, he goes online at work.  He responds to a friend's email on a social networking site photo through his email.  I found out about it as it was in my feed.  I called him up and asked him why he'll respond to a friend's email on a photo that is really, well, ridiculous, but then not respond or read my emails.  He said I was right that he isn't paying proper attention to me.

Well its nice to hear but how will he fix it.  I really don't like his manners when he gets home.  When he arrives home late I still will sit with him and chat with him while he eats dinner.  Sometimes I even make him his dinner depending on when he gets home.  Hey, its just the two of us so don't even think about judging me on  my domestic skills with my handicaps.  So back to his bad manners.  It amounts to me only getting about 15 minutes of his attention in a single night or even the weekend of late.  He is always too busy for me, but some how he has time for his friends?

"So am I chopped liver?"  I told him that very thing on the phone this morning.

 I then said. "You are treating me like a Kleenex to be used and tossed aside.".

He then said to me, "Not a Kleenex, more like a hankie."

I said, "Excuse me, how is that better?".

So he is going to come home for lunch if at all possible and we are going to work on us for hopefully a bit more than 15 minutes.  He realizes fully that he has been pushing me aside and using me when he has need of me.  I want more.  I deserve better treatment.  This babe is not going to be left in the corner!

Oh and I know I'm not the only wife or Army Wife out there that has to deal with the same type of bad manners from the spouse.  We often feel neglected, and alas its to be expected considering the type of work our men in uniform do.  We clean up after them and smile as we sit on the side lines while they get the medals they worked hard to earn.  There are days I feel like a dog at the table of affection and love begging for scraps.

Taking Joy In Someone's Pain

Yup that's me right now.  I'm as angry as a bear that had something taken from it.

I'm having a double dose of reality.  I don't want to fully disclose everything and I certainly won't name names here but I can tell you that people are really disappointing me.

Some of you that follow my blog closely know that I don't have a good relationship with my parents.  Its true they aren't my favorite people nor the parents I always wanted and they are the source of my borderline personality disorder.

But when I need to verify facts within the family I still need to call them.  A cousin of mine, I grew up next door to her mom, recently lost her grandfather and her father within a few days of each other.  I called my parents to verify the facts.  I used to do genealogy and I should probably update my files now.

I'm pissed because my own father thought it was funny.  Yes, he was laughing at the posting about the deaths.  He'd probably now deny it to save face and Mom would back him up.  He's known for at least a day.  I told my mom that Dad is one sick son of a bitch and he'd better watch his karma for his reactions to these deaths.  His health isn't all that good.  He shouldn't be laughing at the demise of others.  Really he should be making amends like the good Roman Catholic he was brought up to be.  Wait a minute, is there really such a thing?  I think my father is perhaps on the other end of the scale there and he cultivates anger in others.

I know, I know, honor thy father and mother.  But when does that apply?  When they go too far they need to be reminded to not be so harsh about the feelings of other.

All I can say is for the sake of the grown children left behind, who are now fatherless, you'd think that my father, their uncle, would be offering condolences.

Oh and if any of my family is reading this, well seriously what you put out there comes back to haunt you.  You know quite well how I feel about your response with this matter.  I've told you on the phone too.

Yes, I've known other people that are just as twisted to find joy in the sorrow of others.  Yes there are plenty of them out there on Earth.  Those that take joy in the loss of someone's pregnancy, their loss of their home, or hard earned wealth.  I find it disgusting to say the least when someone takes joy in the pain of others.

My WTF Appointment

0920 hrs I was seen at my REI clinic at Madigan with my spouse.  We sat down with Dr. C. to discuss what went wrong with the last IVF cycle.  J was really tired from his CQ duty last night so I wonder just how much he comprehended from the meeting.

Dr. C. explained everything to us but I still don't know the reason why it failed.

On day 3 we had a 8 cell, 0 fragment, Good quality egg, Perfect embryo.  The abbreviations and number were explained to us from the chart.  So if it was a perfect embryo why did it chose to not stick around?  I know I was pregnant because of the two home pregnancy tests.  I told Dr.C. at this appointment that I took them.  I guess it changed the picture a bit.

Now the focus is on the fact that my eggs are my age and not so much what could possibly be wrong with me but with the eggs themselves.  If we used donor eggs he said we'd have a 65% success rate.  I have only 40% with my own eggs.  But it was perfect I'm yelling in my head.  I must have done something wrong.

I asked about the hypertension issue since I'm always on medications.  Its not that.  I asked about being put on restricted weight limit for lifting  he said even if I moved furniture it wouldn't be the problem.

So why?

He said it could look perfect at day 3 but there are sometimes issues with implantation, yes even with the Assisted Hatching we had done on the embryo.

I then asked if it was the endometriosis. He said that could be a factor but that most likely it was still with the age of my egg.  Dr. C. said one of the larger follicles he drained in his egg quest was filled with blood so he knows that I have issues with endometriosis.

To be quite franks he was genuinely surprised to get the 8 cell with zero fragmentation and a perfect embryo considering I'm 42.  He said its rare.  So we still don't know the exact reason why it didn't chose to stick around.

Looks like I'll be doing a late January embryo transfer if all goes well.  If I don't have enough follicles we'll commute to an IUI and hope for the best.

J's morphology issue is no longer an issue and that is good to know.  Now if only his sperm will stay that good for the next round.  We are still going with the ICSI for the January IVF.  We have to.  Dr.C. says it will again increase our odds of a better embryo.

This time I hope we get four follicles for retrieval day, we had four the first day but Dr.C. wanted to wait leaving it at only 2 follicles left by retrieval day.  Dr.C. just didn't want us to do too early of an egg retrieval.  But now that he knows my ovary reserve is declining we might end up doing an early retrieval in January.

I'm also hoping for two perfect embryos to transfer this time around.  I can hope right?

I can also hope that I'm pregnant now, right?  I mean I am in the two week wait right now after ovulating on my own.  But yes, I know that at my age its rare.  My maternal grandmother had my mom at 42 so there is always a chance. 

Religion 101

As the Christian holidays in December draw ever near I find that I want to learn more about the world religions.  I'm not a thrill seeking individual that wants to form her own cult and have followers brain washed.  Just making that clear.

I do want to learn.  I'm curious.  I want to know what makes any one person gravitate towards a particular religion and what they get from it personally.

Last night J and I talked about theology.  He supports my decision to learn  more about the Mormon religions of LDS and the Mormon Fundamentalism.  From what I know about the Mormon religion it started in NY state, a state I grew up in and basically that's all I know about it.  We also chatted about my wanting to learn about the Jewish religion and their Torah.  I'd also like to read the Quran as well as any other religious books we can find and learn about their traditions.

I want to know the why's.  I want to just know.  If we all came from one religion, according to what I was taught in CCD classes, then why did so many other religions shoot out from it.  (I was brought up Roman Catholic.)  Have I been lied to?  I mean really now the Native Americans weren't near the cradle of life where I was taught that the true religion began from but yet their creation beliefs aren't all that far from what I was taught either.  Can you see the confusion?

I want to learn about the genealogy of religion and how and when each branch formed with its various sprouts from there.

So if anyone has any good sources for religion leave them below in the comments section.  Links, sources to free reading materials are always welcome.  If you know me well enough to have my address feel free to send me what you have in books or leaflets.

Knowledge is out there, it should always remain free for those willing to learn.  I want to learn.

My Eyes Decieve Me

As many of you already know I've been battling my weight for a long time.  Today I said to heck with it and decided to browse for new clothing at the Military Exchange.

The reason why I don't shop for clothing is because I never know when I'm going to get lucky enough to get pregnant.  Kate according to the supermarket check out rags, I don't read them but I saw a few with the headlines, is pregnant and 6 weeks at that.  A hard slap in the face to me as I'd be about the same right now if things had gone according to my plans.  Still if the rumor proves true I wish her well, lucky wench.

So with trying to put negative thoughts behind me I walked over to the clothing racks and searched for jeans.  I tried on 5 different pairs of jeans and 5 different brands.  I finally found one pair that fit like a dream.  No I declined to buy them as I'm afraid to gain an ounce.  In two days I've lost 1.2 pounds.  I had gained back 3 pounds this month so its about time some of it comes back off.  Funny how eating more is making it come off.  Figure that one out.

The pair of jeans I walked into the store with on my person are a size 14 and almost 10 years old.  Out of date and higher wasted with a patched hole in the left flank from an incident with a wire sticking out of the seat in my old clunker of a car I no longer own.  I have only one pair of jeans that fit me well now and the rest just hang on me which is fine because when I do get pregnant I'll have clothes for a while without having to buy any. 

I tried on Calvin Klein size 14's...way too big.  I tried on the store brand 14's again too big.  I finally ended up trying on the perfect jeans for my figure.  A pair of Levi's in size 12.  I can't believe I now fit into a size 12 when earlier this summer, August to be exact, I was a size 18.    For those of you in the UK an American 18 is your size 20. 

I'm still fat but one day I hope to be a size 8 again.  Maybe after I have my miracle baby. 

Oh and no I didn't buy the jeans because, like I said I'm still afraid I'll gain an ounce or worse they'll shrink in the wash.  Maybe in another two weeks, I'm in the 2 week wait right now, I'll buy them when I have a better idea of what my body is trying to do to me.

So I guess when I pass a mirror and see a bit fatty in it my eyes are playing tricks on me.  I'm not that fat anymore and have 35 pounds still to go.  Its a lot but it is doable.  Besides the look on my husband's face was precious today when I exited the dressing room for him to see me in them.  He loved how they hugged my bottom so nicely.  I forgot how shapely a bottom I have when I lose the back fat and abdomen fat.

Miscarriage Therapy Session # 1

Rain drummed on the roof of my SUV as we drove to the clinic.  I looked over at J and asked him to run an errand for me while I was in therapy.  He nodded in agreement and said that he has the list for the grocery store.

J pulled up to the building and let me out into the pelting rain.  This is it I think. Time to go in and get some therapy.

First thing first, I have to check in with the receptionist and use their computer to log my emotions.  Have I been suicidal?  Have I had thoughts of harming anyone?  Have I had marriage issues?  Those are just some of  the general questions that I have to answer in order to get seen at my appointed time.  Thankfully there is an essay block where I can type in the real reason I need to see my therapist today....miscarriage.  Plain and simple I need to find a better way to grieve.

20 minutes later I'm in the therapy room.  My doctor asks me how I'm doing.  I'm trying not to lie but I feel like I have to close up.  I have to protect myself from further hurts.  She sees that I'm already closing down within minutes of the session.

JD gets me to open up a bit.  Just a bit and some tears flow.  Quickly I suck it all back in and start bouncing my left foot up and down while the right one rests over it crossed at the knee.  She says to me, "do you see what you are doing?".  I respond with a squeaky voice with a simple, "Yup".  Why she wants to know.  I explain that crying is a waste of energy and that I was taught to suck it all up.  She says she can see that I'm angry.  Correct I am.  I'm very angry.  I'm being childish but I'm angry at myself and the world.  She explained to me that I'm "wasting" more energy by letting the anger build up when I should let the tears flow.  Its okay to cry.  Its okay to feel hurt and betrayed and all those other emotions that we go through when we have lost someone important to us.

She explained to me it doesn't matter how far along I was pregnant, the fact is that its harder when you go through IVF because you know you are going to create that baby and have it transferred to your body.  You know you are pregnant even if only for a little time.

So JD and I are going to work on my issues with this miscarriage on a weekly basis until I can learn to grieve and let go.  I really need this as I go into my next IVF cycle.  I'm scared of losing another pregnancy.

Even now I'm sucking the tears back in.  I'd like to try to schedule a tear session for Sunday when J has his CQ duty.  I'll have the house to myself for 24 hours and I'll be able to possibly let go and give myself some time to grieve.  Yes, I'm embarrassed to be seen crying.  I never used to be this way.  This is something that has recently started and I don't know how to let go and lose control now.  Its scary.

Roller Coaster Ride

The LH surge has disappeared and my mood has changed again.  Thankfully I have an appointment with my therapist today.  This is the first appointment since losing the embryo earlier this month.  She has no clue what is going on and I wish I hadn't had to of  waited so long to get in to talk to her.  But at least I still have an appointment.  J was lucky enough to be seen by an Army counselor the very next day after we got our beta results.  I, however, had to wait.

I'm angry again.  I'm unable to console friends right now.  Yesterday yes, today no. 

I broke something over the weekend.  Its small but very important.  I got angry.  I hated the little object.  Its out for repairs now.  It was never something that I picked out for myself.  No it was something I felt was forced upon me to always have and it wasn't my choice.  So after its fixed I'll have it back in my possession once again.  Hopefully I won't get so angry again as to break it once more. 

I'm depressed.  I've gained three pounds this month.  Yes, three pounds might not seem like a lot to most of you but when I'm half way to my next goal and I gain three pounds back its a lot.  Add to the insult that I was still "pregnant" when I weighed less it makes me angry and depressed.  So today I put on my tightest jeans and I'm sucking in the discomfort.  It will remind me that I have a goal.  It will remind me to not over eat, well I hope at least.  I don't really know where I over ate in the past two weeks but some how I did.  Two donuts over two day?  One slice of pizza?  Yes, I've been good.  I have no clue how or why it just decided to come back to my mid section but it did.  So its depressing me.

Last night I went from horny to harpy in just a few hours.  Sure I've done it faster before but still I don't like it when it does happen.  I could blame it on the borderline personality disorder  but in the end I'm still responsible for my own mindfulness.  I shouldn't let my emotions bleed out the way I can and sometimes do.

Because I know that this roller coaster of emotions is triggered by the loss of the embryo and most likely trying to conceive again too soon without healing properly in-between, I can identify from an outsider's point of view what to expect.  I'm going to chug back up to the top of that roller coaster with all I've got and try to stay there as long as possible looking for the straightaway.  I have to.  I have no choice.

Just A Bundle Of Emotions

Its time to make cookies again.  Most of the ones that like to eat my weekly treats are back off of leave so I'll be baking sometime today to make sure they get their treats.  I know they'll be looking forward to it and it always makes me feel good to bring a bit of happiness to someone else.  They just love my cookies at the COF. 

My moods are a bit mixed up today.  I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.  Looks like I'm going to miss that coffee date with a few friends today due to the fact that I don't have transportation.  Won't be the first one I've missed since I'm without my own car.  So that bums me out a bit.

I have laundry still to do and I over slept.  Well I didn't really over sleep but the pain of my newest injury, I slightly sprained my ankle yesterday, yes the one I injured pretty darn bad a few years back.  Plus it seems that my ovulation is triggering a lot of pain on my left side again.  I'm guessing I'm growing another cyst as even a light pressing on my pelvis is causing me  a lot of pain.  Oh and trying to sleep on my back is also a treat since it feels like on the left side my back is being pushed inward with a metal pipe just where the ovary would sit.

Then just add in the wintery mix of weather we are having today.  So um, my arthritis is flaring up along with the fibromyalgia.  I'm just a really fun person to be around today.  I really could use a day with the girls to get away from home.

Tested again this A.M. to see if I'm still within the ovulation window.  Yup, but I can tell with the pain its going to make things uncomfortable if not down right interesting to create this baby we have hope for.  If it doesn't happen for us naturally this cycle there is always the IVF set for January.

I want a baby soon.  Its so depressing to see all my blogger friends getting their BFPs.  I want one too and not just on a stick.  I want it on a BETA!!!

So yeah I'm an emotional bit of fluff today.  Someone needs to come over and blow this mood away from me fast before I just decide to eat all the raw cookie dough before it gets to the oven.

Oh and this week its chocolate chip peanut butter swirl cookies I'll be making.

LH Surge Has Arrived

YAY!  I can still ovulate. 

The top test is from three days ago, the middle from last night and the bottom one from this morning. 

Now for the fun part.  But I don't think I have to tell any of you what that entails.  I just need to get my soldier home for the perfect timing.

I guess the reason why I'm so excited is because it means my ovaries are still working well enough after the  miscarriage and that even if I can't get pregnant on my own this cycle I should probably start a fresh cycle in about two weeks.  That's means I'd be right on schedule for the birth control part of the next IVF cycle.

But I'm still hoping for a miracle that we can some how catch that elusive egg on our own even with my infertility issues and male factor infertility.  

I know dream on, right?

3 Days Of Migraine

For three days now I've been dealing with the headache from HELL!  Today its still here. 

Today I'm having tea containing caffeine, something I rarely do, and acetaminophen.  I didn't say it was helping though did I?

Yup its going to be a really short bitchy post today.  Last night I was puking.  But I'm a good girl when I puke, I keep my mouth closed tight.  Yes, I don't like to projectile vomit unless I know there is a toilet nearby.  No, I don't like re-ingesting my own vomit but when I'm at the dinner table I don't like making others want to lose their supper either.  Is that graphic enough for all of you?  I hope not too much.

On the ovulation front.  I peed in my cup today and checked it with a test.  Faint pink line.  Hopefully tomorrow I'll have the dark line and will get the chance to try to create a baby without much science involved.  Yes I know keep dreaming on that one.  Still we are set for the IVF in January.

That's all I've got today.  Aches in head, back, pelvis and general crabbiness is prevalent enough to make me want to wear a warning sign that says, "back off or I'll bite your head off".

Checking The Costs

Just for the heck of it today I decided to start researching the cost of donor eggs.  Donor eggs would give me a bit more time to try for a child.  It wouldn't be of my genetic material but it would be still of my husband's so its not all that bad to consider.

However, after just checking out the cost for a donor egg set of 6 eggs, the cost is going to be way out of my budget.  $15,000 for 6 eggs.  Yes, it would give me that chance to become a mother and its still quite a bit cheaper than trying to adopt.  But I can't afford the cost right now. 

I could do a loan but really is that a smart thing to do?  In this economy taking out a loan to get pregnant?

I guess the only reason why I'm even looking into this Donor Egg route is because I've yet to ovulate on my own after testing now for three days.  I have all the pains but it could just be the endometriosis.  I'm afraid that my eggs are really failing me.

I read quite a few blogs today and on one in particular the gal mentioned a similar problem to what I had with my last IVF cycle.  Her follicles weren't waking up like they should.  Her doctor decided to tweak her meds and she ended up with plenty of good eggs.  She is just two years younger than me.  I wonder is it because the Army doctors are limited on the types of drugs they can use for our protocols that I'm to never have that baby or is it because my doctor isn't all that great as to live up to the expectations I had hoped he would or quite possibly my eggs are just expired.

My odds given the two eggs they retrieved out of 8 follicles, most not even close to being ripe mind you, were as expected.  I had a 50-50 chance of getting an embryo.  I got one.  Just one.  It temporarily implanted but then something went wrong. 

Now I wonder if its the clinic or my body.  Did the embryologist not chose the best sperm when he did the ICSI?  Or did my body just decide to reject the embryo because I had a sinus infection.

I want a do over.  I want a happy healthy pregnancy.  Maybe I'll get that chance come January.  Now I just need to get another 15 pounds off to make it to my next goal.  I could handle going into the next pregnancy with only being 20 pounds overweight since I know my blood pressure will be more under control with the more weight I get off.  But I can't prevent sinus infections, colds, and flues even if I get the flu shot next week.

Too many variables stay subjective.  I'd like to change all that and make it more of a controlled environment.  An ideal environment.  For now the thought of donor eggs will have to shelved.

What Next?

So well yesterday didn't exactly go as planned but I'm learning that my life is going to be much like that when I try to plan something.  I think I'll stop planning things and just let happen what will happen....nope can't do that.

Finally we got the diagnostic done on the SUV.  I love my SUV.  Its old and some day we'll once again have a second vehicle.  Any repairs that need to be done get done.  This one is going to be a bit more costly than say, having a windshield replaced.

The oil is leaking from the Timing Cover.  $825.00 plus tax and 8 hours of labor later we'll get it fixed.  Its not like we can't drive it around with it leaking but I'm environmentally minded.  I don't like the idea of an oil leak and the thought of the damage it could do to the rest of the engine by having to keep watch on the oil level and add more oil as needed is rather annoying to say the least.

The 8 hours to get the job done we all know is going to take more than 8 hours.  When have any of us actually taken our vehicle to a dealership to get worked on and had it done in the allotted amount of time?  I never have.

The  $825.00 is going to hurt.  With another IVF cycle payment due soon its not going to leave us with a lot of money to enjoy our holiday.  But there isn't much we can do about it since it is our only mode of transportation.  Its not like we have a busing system on the installation to get my spouse to and from work.  We need our SUV up and running.  Nor is walking an option as its at least a 4 mile walk to work one way for my husband.

Yup it has to get done.  Now its just to figure out when we can fit it into our schedule.  That is going to be the interesting part.

So we aren't going away for the weekend.  That much is obvious already.  We won't be going any long distances until this gets fixed.

And life goes on.

Happy Veterans' Day

Thank you to all the Veterans out there.  I hope that you are well remembered today and always for the sacrifices you so proudly gave so that we will enjoy our freedoms that we often take for granted.

Today we aren't going out to celebrate the day.  Its not because of the harsh winds and heavy rains expected later.  Its because of car problems.

J noticed that the Ford Escape has been leaving spots on the garage floor.  He cleaned up the mess this morning and got under the SUV.  The oil is leaking and spreading back under the vehicle.  With the second day into a 5 day pass of sorts we aren't going anywhere.  Nope.  This has to take priority.  This is our only vehicle and though its 8 years old it has to last a few more years.

So he is on his way to Firestone with the hopes that its only a few loose nuts here and there.  I have my doubts.  I'm afraid that we have crack in the pan.  I'm afraid its going to get costly.  But really we have no other option.

I guess its better to get this taken care of now than to have driven to the Cascade Mountains this weekend as we had originally hoped for only to have killed the engine from the oil leaking out.  So J is a bit bummed out.  He too wanted to get away for at least an afternoon.  I can't blame him, he does have a hard job.

He wanted to get lunch here before he left, but I know he loves Burger King and I really don't so I told him that since Firestone is right across from BK to go get lunch there.  That actually cheered him up a bit.  He still feels as though I'm kicking him out of the house but I'm not.  There isn't much to be done about the car here, we don't have all the tools that his dad has on hand in his garage, and I'm on the second load of laundry as I write this blog post so I'd bore him to death.  Best that he goes out to get it repaired and try to enjoy himself a bit while he still can with the weather changing so quickly to storm like activity.

Wheel Thrown Agate Ware

This post is for all you ladies out there that have ever had to pee in a cup to find the moment of ovulation or tested for pregnancy at home.  Some might find it embarrassing but we all do it.

Yesterday I received a beautiful gift in the mail from my friend and local artist Alex.  She knows that I'm going through a difficult time right now and thought I might like to be cheered up.  I have to say that she is not only beautiful but very talented.

She has similar items to my lovely hand thrown agate ware cup, pictured at left, in her shop online shop called Ugabugabowls. Honestly the photos I take don't do her work justice.  I think I need to purchase a better camera and see about taking some photography classes to improve on picture taking while I'm at it.

Though its hard to see in my photographs the cup is about 2.5 inches tall and 3 inches across at the top opening.  She calls this, for me, a pee cup.  For those of you that do a lot of peeing on sticks you know you need a cup.  Why bother with the disposable cups when you can pee in such a pretty cup?  Besides all those disposable cups aren't good for the environment and I want to go as green as possible.

View of the inside of the cup.  Again this is hand thrown pottery.  Totally unused cup that could also be used as a bathroom cup and not just for the reason why Alex sent it to me.  But I'm going to use it for just that reason because I'm hoping it will be bring me a bit of good luck.

No I'm not superstitious but when a pregnant potter sends you a cup to pee in, so you can use the test sticks to find the right moment or even use it for the home pregnancy test, then I'm going to use it for its intended use.  Wouldn't you just love to purchase a beautiful, reusable, cup to pee in too?  I mean seriously you'd be doing the environment a favor!

Alex makes a lot more than these beautiful cups.  She makes wonderful bowls, mugs, cookie jars, goblets, pet food bowls, and even a mortar and pestle set.  She really is talented.  Why she even has on her site a chicken roaster pan that she made by hand.

Watch here as she makes some hand thrown Agate Ware.

Oh My Aching Uterus

My pain level is at 8 right now and a few minutes before was a 9.  Oh how I hate Endo pain.  This is the first true bleed, a new menstrual cycle,  I've had since the miscarriage.  I had a total of 3 days off from the first bleeding only to have it start all back up again and with a vengeance.

Three times in the past 24 hours I've told my spouse I wish I was dead.  Yes, the pain is that bad.  I've tried taking acetaminophen for the pain but that hasn't helped.  Often I think that acetaminophen is just a joke but it is one of the main ingredients in vicodin and percocet too.

I think I've forgotten what sleep is.  I haven't had two solid hours of sleep in about a week.  I know that with my fibromyalgia I will usually get 2-3 hours at a time throughout the night.  Of late not even that and its making me more fatigued when the bleeding is added in.

****TMI ****
In the past hour I've passed in less than a 5 minute period two blood clots the size of Eisenhower silver dollars.  I thought I was going to pass out from the pain.  I guess this is to be expected when my uterine lining was measuring 10.2 mm the day of the embryo transfer.  That is a lot of blood and it has to come back out.  I just wish it didn't chose to try to come out all at once.

My spouse has offered to come home and take care of me.  I might just have him do that as movement is really painful right now.  Those of you that have endometriosis and have had a miscarriage will understand how painful things are for me right now.

I could hit the percocet I have here but I'm always so afraid to take it because of the fact that I might build up a tolerance to it.  With another egg retrieval due in January I don't want to have the same pain medicine not work.  The egg retrieval was very painful.  If I was the slightest bit jostled I yelped in pain.

Deep breath in and blowing out.  Another wave of pain and cramping just hit.  Okay that's it for blogging for me today.  Time to go yowl.

20 Kids

I'm sorry but somehow I just find this a bit wrong.  Okay sure I'm jealous of the woman's ability to still produce viable eggs at the age of 45 but I'm also concerned about the reasons why they are still even trying.

First off they already have 19 children.  How can they possibly afford to feed the ones still living at home.  Please note that I don't watch this show and never have but that I just saw the headlines on Yahoo this morning.

Second how can it possibly be good for Michelle's body to even be trying for number 20 at the age of 45 and with past complications with the last one?  I'm 42 and I wouldn't even consider trying at her age.  I never thought I'd still be trying for the first one at 42 either.

I read through a few of the comments below the article and one stuck with me about hoarding.  Another about pets.  Well I wouldn't exactly call it hoarding since they aren't material possessions, they will grow up and hopefully leave the nest and they aren't animals per say, though I'm sure all of our parents have at one time referred to us as animals with the messes we make.

Its really none of my business but why is all I want to know.  Just why would they even consider having yet another child in this economy?  Its no longer cute to see huge families when you know in reality they have the same issues as a small family would just multiplied.  Remember though, television only allows us to see what they want us to see.

The only large family I tend to cheer on these days would be the Brown Family.  At least there are 5 adults raising all those kids.  5 potential incomes.  5 parents all helping one another when problems arise.  20 children and 2 parents is just a mess.

Sears Makes My List

We all have those lists.  I have one too.  This though is about adding just one more store to the list of ones I will refuse to do business with in the future.  Wal-Mart is already on that list and I can honestly say that I personally haven't done business with them in 18 months.

The day started out good enough.  J was helping out around the house while I was dealing with the cramps from the miscarriage.  Yes, I'm still in pain but that is neither here nor there and I'll just chalk it up to the endo pain.  Back to my story.  J was vacuuming.  My vacuum is a Kenmore and I've always found it to be quite adequate though my spouse finds it rather lacking in suction power on the bare floors.  Well the belt broke yesterday.  So I had to get another one.

J offered to run down to the mall to the Sears store off exit 130 in Tacoma and get me a new belt.  3 hours later he returns with no belt and a lot of frustration. 

Here is where the story gets interesting.  J asked a store clerk for some assistance in finding the part he needed.  Not only did my spouse write down the vacuum model and part number but he also took the broken belt with him to the store.  The clerk said, without looking, that they didn't carry the part in the store.  She tells him to go to the computer and order it for himself there.  Nice huh?  She didn't even try to look it up for him.

J goes over to the computer and looks up the part number himself.  He clicks on the appropriate items and tries to find out the shipping charges before purchasing the items.  It wouldn't let him.  After he has "paid" for the item it then gives him the total.  He calls me and tells me about the outrageous $8 shipping fee on just one belt and one light bulb.  Really it came to just under $18 with shipping for the parts.  I went online to another place and was able to find the same stuff with not one belt in the pack but two for a total of $11.65 including the shipping.  I told him to cancel the order.

This is where the hours slip by.  J tried really hard to get someone to help him cancel the order. Not only did the store manager on duty tell him that he couldn't help him but he told him that they couldn't cancel the order.  Yeah right, um I used to work for Sears and that is a bunch of BS!

I called up our bank and had them file a purchase dispute.  I hope this goes through.  I explained to my bank what happened and they assured me that the order could have been easily canceled but that Sears obviously didn't want to comply.

When J got home we went to his email and found the purchase order.  I followed up with Sears online and emailed them with the appropriate information asking them to cancel the order.  Hopefully it will be done without too much fuss.

So the real reason why I refuse to shop at Sears ever again is because the quality of customer assistance sucks!  Not only do the employees act helpless, they don't want to help and will walk away.  Seriously all they had to do was call their warehouse in Tacoma and ask if they had the part there.  Now I have to wait this all out for up to 90 days.  Thankfully this isn't the only vacuum we own.  I will never buy from Sears again in my lifetime if I can help prevent doing so.

Sears you are akin to Wal-mart in my book.  For shame.  You, Sears, who claim to support our troops actually don't.  Sure you run that once a year "Holiday" type contest to help out select few first come first serve troops but the funds aren't actually coming out of your pockets but from others from what I read. 

Sears you might have been my first job out of high school and you might have taught me that the customer comes first and is always right but I dare say you forgot that yesterday.  Thanks for nothing.

Oh for those of you that are family minded take note that Sears Online  used to sell pornographic DVDs!

Reading Up On The Reason Why

I've been doing a lot of reading up on the subjects of miscarriage, IVF, and pregnancy over the past few weeks.  I knew what could happen but now I want to find out why.

I need to know why if only to figure out a way to help prevent another miscarriage.  Maybe if we try again we can use a different protocol.  Changing out medicines might make the difference or perhaps a change in dosage amounts.

These were my facts:

1) I have a BMI of 32.  I need to lose more weight to sustain a healthy pregnancy.

2)  I have hypertension.  I need to find techniques within my means of lowering the blood pressure to help my medications work better.  My cardiologist doubled my hypertension medicine before the start of the injections.  I need to avoid stress.  Well perhaps I should just divorce and forget IVF right?  Nope not going to happen.  My spouse and I love one another too much to let this end our marriage.

3)  My age is 42.  Nothing I can do about that detail.

4) I have fibromyalgia.  I wonder if that is causing some of the issues with my fertility.

5)  I have two small cysts on my thyroid gland.  Though they aren't seeming to cause any major problems with my thyroid producing the hormone I do wonder if they still might of concern.

6)  I have endometriosis.  Again nothing I can personally do about that issue.  Losing weight and exercising isn't going to make it go away though it might make the endo pain a bit less.

7)  Not all my follicles were developing at the same rate.  I lost out on several good sized follicles by doing what the doctor said and waiting several days for the other ones to develop.  I went from four good ones to two and of the two one made it.  So maybe different strength drugs or different meds are needed. I always have plenty of follicles on clomid.

Now what I found out is this:  SHIT HAPPENS!  Yes, just that.  Sometimes even if thing are perfect, like my 8 celled embryo (JR) something can and will go wrong.  No matter how much I want to lay the blame on someone else it happened.  Sure the stress I was under probably didn't help the cause but what can I do about outside influences?

So I'm still reading and hoping to find a cause.  Something that will pinpoint the problem area with an "ah-ha" moment of clarity.  Something that can be fixed so it doesn't happen again.  If you've got a clue, I'm all ears.

Bugging Out For A Day

I'm leaving with my spouse for a few hours this day just to get the hell out of the house.  I'm feeling up to a few hours away as the cramping is mild for now.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

Healing The Hurts

It seems as though J and I are going through the 5 stages of grief at different times.  He is seeing a counselor, one that I now refuse to see because the man only takes my husband's side, the soldier's point of view.

I think I've mentioned before that my husband and I go to marriage counseling to make sure that we stay on the right track.  Well with trying to conceive it has become a necessary part of our communications.  However, this former chaplain, is not helping matters.  I realize that because my husband is a soldier he has be protected and come first, but I feel as though my medical conditions should also be put as a high priority too.  This counselor does not try to understand me and likes to cut me off when I'm trying to make a point.  I'm done with this former chaplain.  I have my own counselor who I'll be seeing again later this month.  I can always move our marriage counseling to another person and I think we've decided to do just that as of last night.

Communication at times is lacking in relationships.  Its a necessary thing if one wants to receive what they most desire.  Mind reading is not an option.  In the last few months I've had more sit down, evening discussions with my husband than most couples have in a year's time.

I need to know where we are headed and if we are on the right path.  I don't want to become pushy just so that I know that I'm getting what I want.  I just want to remain in control of my own life without someone else trying to control it for me.  I'm willing to take a back seat, and usually I do, to make sure that we are doing what he needs to get him back on the right path.  My spouse is a bit of a loner.  He wanders off into the darkness on his own path way too often forgetting about obligations to the family time in pursuit of his own desires to be alone.  Okay so we all need a bit of selfish alone time to heal our own wounds but seriously I'm getting tired of yanking him back on the path.

My husband is a wonderful guy that is sweet, and sensitive, and pig headed, and obnoxious, and well a man!  Not that any of it is a bad thing but at the wrong time it can be.  Right now I need that sweet and sensitive guy to hold me while I cry about the miscarriage.  I've yet to have him do that.  I want my time to grieve.

Because I'm unable to let loose fully right now with him I'm stuck often in denial and anger.  When I first started to bleed I did the bargaining.  I knew what was happening.  I prayed to every god I could think of with the hopes that one would hear me.  Sometimes things just happen that I have to accept.  The depression is now hitting me.  I'm not in my happy place. I have hope that because the next IVF cycle isn't that far off, January is the retrieval and transfer  but the medications start much earlier, I'll be in a better mood knowing that a baby is once again a real possibility for us.

Denial             check
Anger             check 
Bargaining       check
Depression      check
Acceptance     getting there

Miscarriage Day 2

Letting go of a hope and a dream is never easy.  I had really big hopes and dreams for JR.  I had hopes that I would get to give it a real name as it grew within my womb.  I had hopes to one day feel it quicken.  And yes I had hopes of changing its dirty diaper, cleaning up its trail of toys through the house, and worrying as it went to school, dates and college. 

Now I just have to let go of all those hopes and dreams for this particular baby.  My tally of losses is now increased by one.  I've now lost three.  I'd rather not keep count but who among us infertiles has not keep count of their near and dear almost hopes and dreams.

Within a few months of arriving in Washington State I met someone that loved to read palms.  I'm not one to take to flights of fancy but she was genuine and sweet.  I let her read my palm.  What she saw scared me and I'd almost forgotten all of the bad until now.  She said you'll lose three children but will have others that live to give you grandchildren but that you won't live long to see those grandchildren mature. 

I thought at the time she had to be mistaken as I've only lost two and we haven't had a third show any where near us.  I felt joy knowing that I would someday have grandchildren, but first I had to get a child.  So okay I've now lost three, I want the ones that live.

With that said, we are going to try again.  Yes, we are now on the list for the January IVF.  This will be our last attempt.  Our finances are taking a big hit with this second try but we are prepared as prepared can be.  I did save up for two tries and I want those two tries before my eggs shrivel up and die off altogether.

I have to admit that I am in a goodly amount of pain this morning.  Emotional pain is pretty high because I am finally alone to deal with it all.  J is back to work today.  They let him have a half day to be with me yesterday.  He cried.  He didn't think he would.  But when you realize that you've lost part of you to never see it grow up, it hurts.  I have no clue what the emotional pain would have been like for us had it died shortly after living.  I'd rather not think about it.

No today I'm deal with my own emotional pain.  Tears are welling up easily.  But I still have hope for next cycle at the same time.

The pain of miscarriage is twisting my uterus like someone wringing out a sponge to dry.  I'll deal with it.  I'm not going to say its going to kill me as I've dealt with Endometriosis for as long as I've had periods but just didn't know why they hurt so bad.  I'm not going to say that I'm used to pain either.  But I will say it does hurt.  I may have to reach for the percocet if it gets worse.

Given time, a lot of time, I will heal my emotional hurts and my physical ones too. 

Beta Today

I'm still on bed rest.  At 0200 hrs I started to bleed AGAIN!!!  Luckily it stopped within two hours of starting.  Now I'm just freaked out any time I get that bit of a creepy sensation, yes even with perspiration, in my panties.

I had my beta HCG drawn at 0700 hrs today and am waiting for the results.  I'm scared that JR decided it didn't want to stick around.

There are days, like today, that I dread.  I just don't handle this waiting game all that well.  I want answers now.  But yet, I'm afraid I'll get an answer that is going to be hard to deal with.

I'm cranky.  I'm tired.  I'm nauseated from worry.  Still I took my PIO shot this morning.  Even though I'm positive its going to be a negative beta or so low its inevitable to be a chemical pregnancy.  Yes, I'm turning into a pessimist.  Its become almost too much to hope for to get a positive result.  For now I live through my fellow bloggers,  I feel their pain and their joy.  I hope more of us get that BFP with a healthy baby.  I want it too.  For now I'll just sit here on bed rest with my phone handy.

Oh this bed rest is causing me some pain too.  My left hip and left ankle have now decided to no longer cooperate with the reclined position.  The left hip refuses to stay in its joint and the left ankle, well that is pain related to the torn deltoid ligament that never fully healed.  But the pain will be worth it if only I get a BFP later today.

If I don't I think I'm going to go for a really long walk and screw the pain factor.  I can't stay inside all day and dwell on things lost.

******UPDATE*****
0957 its a BFN.  Chemical pregnancy.  Yes, we lost this one.  I'm trying to get us into the next cycle which is in January.  I really don't want to wait until March but the doctor gets the final decision.  This will be the last try too.

Pregnancy Test Blank Window

I'm on my spouse's laptop on bed rest today.

****TMI***
Last night I had more of the bright red, thick bleeding. No clots thankfully.  That is of course until it turns to the brown stuff.  When it goes brown it gets all sort of clots in it.

I took a home pregnancy test this A.M.  A digital one, EPT to be exact.  I did as directed and waited watching the little hourglass work its magic, then it goes blank.  WTF!  Yes, it went blank. 

Okay so it has a battery in it and I have to crack it open to separate the electronics from the rest of it for proper disposal.  Besides it does have a test strip inside, this isn't the first time I've cracked one open. 

Luckily for me I could read the test strip.  Its not rocket science and I've no clue how some folks can't read them.  So for today I saw the thin blue control line separated by a white space and a big blue smudge three times the thickness of the control line.  So I guess I'm still pregnant.  Its good news I think.  But the bleeding is scary.  Maybe the bleeding is nothing?

I have yet to call the REI nurse after she told me to take it easy yesterday.  I'm definitely on bed rest today.  J's been very helpful and has loaned to me his laptop, brought into the bedroom my healthy snacking foods (nuts, and such), the 300 dvds in the single case, another blanket, bottles of water too.  He is so sweet when I asked him to do this.  He had to get to work but he took time for me. 

You should have seen his face screw up in agony this morning with the test results.  He is happy but he is also afraid that I'll still lose JR in the next few hours.  We are both afraid that the blood test tomorrow will come back negative.

I'm hoping of course that JR decides to stick around for the full 9 months but I can't make it happen if its not to be.  I continued with the PIO shots this morning.  This one given in the bedroom while I was on my side. 

My bad back is really hating me right now.  I need to get up and move about but I know that the more I move about the less my uterus will rest, the more the blood pressure will rise, and so on and so forth. 

I'm sure many of you out there know what I'm going through.  I'm struggling just like the rest of my infertile cysters to keep my embryo in my uterus.  Each pregnancy is different for every one of us.  If I'm lucky enough to carry to term I'll try to not complain too much about the pain from my DDD, bulging and herniated discs in my back and neck, and the fibromyalgia pain.  No promises though, I knew what I was getting into before I got started.